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LORD,

SET

ME

FREE!

A Workbook on the Fourteen Steps

Published by

Homosexuals Anonymous Fellowship Services

dougmcin2000@gmail.com 832-884-7428

H.A.F.S. APPROVED LITERATURE

Homosexuals Anonymous/HA Copyright 1994

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the copyright owner, except for brief quotations embodied in reviews.

To God, whose mercy endureth forever--

the Father, who in love purposed my salvation,

the Son, who bore my sins in his own body on the tree,

the Spirit, who indwells, guides, and empowers my life;

to Colin C., co-founder of Homosexuals Anonymous

to whom God gave the 14 Steps on which our recovery is based;

to Dan R., my counselor, and Calvin K., my pastor,

whose support and guidance were richly used of God in my recovery;

to Peter F., Rudy C., Geoffrey P., John W., Bob P., and especially Ivan L.,

men whose friendship has helped and sustained me in the process of recovery;

to Duncan E., Richard P., Charles M.,

Paul K., David W., Lois S., Alex C., Jack H., Rod H., and Ivan L.,

Homosexuals Anonymous Board members past and present,

without whose help and encouragement this ministry could not prosper;

to Jim P., Ivan L., and Nancy B.,

who graciously volunteered many hours to help me complete this workbook;

to the members of the Reading chapters of Homosexuals Anonymous,

whose experience, strength, and hope has enriched me beyond measure;

to the courageous men and women who are members of Homosexuals Anonymous,

who have committed their lives to the living God

and have determined to walk the road of freedom

until they grow up into Christ in all things;

this workbook is gratefully dedicated.

--John J., Reading, PA

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction1

Step 1 We admitted that we were powerless over our homosexuality and that our emotional lives were unmanageable.

Step 2 We came to believe the love of God, Who forgave us and accepted us in spite of all that we are and have done.

Step 3 We learned to see purpose in our suffering, that our failed lives were under God's control, Who is able to bring good out of trouble.

Step 4 We came to believe that God had already broken the power of homosexuality and that He could therefore restore our true personhood.

Step 5 We came to perceive that we had accepted a lie about ourselves, an illusion that had trapped us in a false identity.

Step 6 We learned to claim our true reality that, as humankind, we are part of God's heterosexual creation and that God calls us to rediscover that identity in Him through Jesus Christ, as our faith perceives Him.

Step 7 We resolved to entrust our lives to our loving God and to live by faith, praising Him for our new unseen identity, confident that it would become visible to us in God's good time.

Step 8 As forgiven people, free from condemnation, we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, determined to root out fear, hidden hostility and contempt for the world.

Step 9 We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs and humbly asked God to remove our defects of character.

Step 10 We willingly made direct amends wherever wise and possible to all people we had harmed.

Step 11 We determined to live no longer in fear of the world, believing that God's victorious control turns all that is against us into our favor, bringing advantage out of sorrow and order from disaster.

Step 12 We determined to mature in our relationships with men and women, learning the meaning of a partnership of equals, seeking neither dominance over people nor servile dependency on them.

Step 13 We sought, through confident praying and the wisdom of Scripture, for an ongoing growth in our relationship with God and a humble acceptance of His guidance for our lives.

Step 14 Having had a spiritual awakening, we tried to carry this message to people in homosexuality with a love that demands nothing and to practice these steps in all our lives' activities, as far as lies within us.

Bibliography, Scripture Index, and General Index

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311

HOW TO USE THIS WORKBOOK

(PLEASE READ THIS!)

Why work a workbook?

Personal research helps us learn new ideas. Writing forces us to clarify our thoughts. Using a workbook involves research and writing to deepen our understanding.

What about a cover for my workbook?

This workbook was designed to fit a regular three-hole binder. Please purchase your own cover which will allow you to carry the workbook anywhere and have your anonymity protected. We recommend that you also purchase dividers and separate the workbook by steps to help you find your place quickly. You can also keep any additional material you have collected in your notebook behind the appropriate step. This should give you a wealth of material on recovery for your own use and to help others.

What will I need besides this workbook?

A pen or pencil and a Bible. Any standard version will do. If you have trouble understanding a verse, check it in a second translation.

How can I find a passage in the Bible?

To find Joshua 1:8, for example, look for Joshua in the "Table of Contents" in your Bible and turn to the page indicated. The number before the colon (:) indicates the chapter you want, in this case, chapter 1. The number after the colon indicates the verse sought, so look for verse 8 in chapter 1.

What if I have doubts?

This workbook uses the Bible to help us understand God and ourselves. Even if you have doubts about God, you can still find help from this study if you approach it with an open mind and a willing heart.

How do I answer the questions?

Write the verses, exactly as you find them in the Bible, in the space provided in the workbook. If a thought comes to you as you write the verse, jot it down in the margin next to the verse. It is more important that you make this workbook useful to you than that you make it neat. In the "Personal Response" section, summarize these verses and thoughts and apply them to your life. You may also wish to express your reaction (positive or negative) to them.

How much should I do at one time?

Work at your own pace. Perhaps one question in a section with its "personal response" a day might be comfortable for you. When you want to work more, do so. If you find the material difficult to understand or if it brings up painful emotions, work more slowly. At least do a little every day. As someone has said, "It is not how many times you have been through the Bible that matters, but how many times the Bible has been through you." Work at a pace that enables you to make these truths a part of your life (which is the only way they can help you) rather than rushing to get through this workbook.

Should I skip around?

Try to finish each Step in this workbook as completely as possible before going on. This includes doing the assignments under "How You Can Work This Step". Each Step is a vital link in the chain of recovery.

Can I get help with this material?

We encourage you to do so. We often come to a deeper understanding of ourselves through others and experience God's healing power through their acceptance, encouragement, and support. Ask one of the senior members of your HA chapter whom you respect and with whom you feel comfortable to be your step coach. Ask him/her to meet with you weekly to go over your work and answer any questions you have. If you are not near a chapter, perhaps you can meet regularly with one or more friends who will work this workbook with you.

Can our HA chapter do this workbook together?

By all means! (1) Have your coordinator collect money from and order workbooks for each member. Order several extra workbooks with money from your treasury and have them available for new members to purchase. (2) When the workbooks arrive, the moderator should assign the questions to be done for discussion at the next meeting. He/she must work ahead so they can assign enough questions to insure that everyone learns something and there can be a good discussion, but not so much material as to over-pressure members with more work than they can complete. (3) Encourage each new member to meet with a step coach between meetings for help with their study. (4) Ask each member to commit themselves to make a sincere effort to: (a) attend regularly ("bring the body and the mind will follow"); (b) do their homework, even is some of the material causes personal discomfort; (c) participate in the meeting and share openly and honestly to the best of their ability; (d) accept support and give it to others; (e) recognize their own limits and those of others; (f) realize that God does the healing through His Son by His Word and Spirit; (g) recognize that they must take personal responsibility for their own recovery in dependence on God's grace and strength; (h) make time each day for prayer and meditation on God's Word; (i) work the steps; (j) refrain from seeing themselves as victims but rather as persons working a program of recovery.

INTRODUCTION

I fought a lonely, losing battle with homosexuality for thirty-six years before I found that there is real hope and help.

My father wanted me, his firstborn, to be exactly like he was--strong, tough, a fighter, and a doctor. These were things God had not equipped me to be. I felt I was not what my father wanted and that he did not love me. So I put up a wall between us and missed the love I needed from my father to develop a healthy gender identity.

I first became aware of homosexual feelings when I was twelve, but I hid them from everyone but two friends with whom I was sexually involved during my teen years. At eighteen I became a Christian, and that stopped outward activity for over twenty years. It did not end the inner struggle. Neither did intense religious activity or marriage and children. Temptation persisted until a time of great stress in my late thirties when I felt I could fight no longer. Once I yielded, I could not stop no matter how hard I tried. The result was blackmail, exposure, the loss of my reputation and family, and an attempted suicide.

God is able to bring good out of trouble! As a result of my problems, I learned about Homosex- uals Anonymous and for the first time came in contact with well-founded hope and solid help. The 14 Steps of HA crystallized and concentrated biblical truth on my struggle so that homosex- ual activity ceased and the power of temptation lessened. There are no quick fixes or easy solutions. I still have times of struggle, but the Good Shepherd has found His wandering sheep, has me on His shoulder, and is carrying me home!

God's Word shows how this experience can be yours too. The Bible tells us how we can have God's enabling power in our lives so that we can follow His counsel and realize His promises. The 14 Steps are a guide to help us know God's strength in our struggles. They show us how God can change lives that were ineffectual and unhappy into lives that are joyful and fruitful.

1. Can the Bible show me how to find freedom?

Joshua 1:8

Some of us felt, "But I tried the Bible and it didn't work!" Something was missing. A know- ledge of the Bible is vital to recovery, but it is only when the truths of Scripture become part of the very core of our being that they do their transforming work. When Scripture is rooted in our very souls, immeasurable power is released!

"One day in 1945, Clarence W. Hall, a war correspondent following on the heels of our troops in Okinawa, came upon the tiny village of Shimabuku.

"It was an obscure little community of only a few hundred native Okinawans. Thirty years before, an American missionary on his way to Japan, had stopped here. He had not stayed long --just long enough to make a few converts, leave them a Bible, and pass on.

"One of the converts was Shosei Kina, the other...his brother Mojon. From the time of the missionary's visit they had seen no other missionary and had had no contact with any other Christian person. But in those thirty years Shosei Kina and his brother had made their New Testament come alive....

"Aflame with their discovery, they taught the other villagers until every man, woman and child in Shimabuku had become a Christian. Shosei Kina became head man in the village; his brother, Mojon, the chief teacher. In Mojon's school the Bible was read daily. To Shosei Kina's village government, its precepts were law. Under the impact of this book, pagan practices fell away. In their place...there had developed a Christian democracy at its purest.

"Then after thirty years came the American army, storming across the island. Little Shimabuku was directly in its path and took some severe shelling. When our advance patrols swept up to the village compound, the GIs, guns leveled, stopped dead in their tracks as two little old men stepped forth, bowed low and began to speak.

"An interpreter explained that the old men were welcoming them as fellow Christians. They remembered that their missionary had come from America. So, though these Americans seemed to approach things a little differently..., the two old men were overjoyed to see them.

"The GIs reaction was typical. Flabbergasted, they sent for the chaplain.

"The chaplain came, and with him the officers of the Intelligence Service. They toured the village and were astonished at what they saw--spotlessly clean homes and streets, poised and gentle villagers, a high level of health and happiness, intelligence and prosperity. They had seen many other villages on Okinawa--villages of unbelievable poverty and filth. Against these Shim- abuku shone like a diamond in a dung heap.

"Shosei Kina and his brother Mojon observed the American's amazement and took it for disap- pointment... They bowed humbly and said, 'We are sorry if we seem a backward people. We have, honored sirs, tried our best to follow the Bible and live like Jesus. Perhaps if you will show us how...'

"Hall relates that he strolled through Shimabuku one day with a tough old Army sergeant. As they walked the sergeant turned to him and whispered hoarsely, 'I can't figure it--this kind of people coming out of only a Bible and a couple of old guys who wanted to live like Jesus!' Then he added a penetrating observation: 'Maybe we've been using the wrong kind of weapons...'" [Richard Hall and Eugene P. Beitler, How To Read the Bible, p. 17-19]

Psalm 119:9

"This book will keep you from sin, or sin will keep you from this book." [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 8]

"...At the very start we must make clear there are no quick cures.... I consistently warn against solutions that are more magic than miracle, and sow confusion in the hearts of hurting Christ- ians. I spend a disproportionate amount of counseling time trying to pick up the pieces of disillusioned Christians who have unsuccessfully tried some instant cure." [David Seamands, Freedom from the Performance Trap, p. 20]

Psalm 119:11

"Meditation is the wing of the soul, which carrieth the affections thereof to things above.... Hereby we hold fast the things which we have learned, we awaken our faith, inflame our love, strengthen our hope, revive our desires, increase our joys in God, we furnish our hearts and fill our mouths with materials of prayer, we loosen our affections from the world, we pre-acquaint ourselves with those glories which we yet but hope for, and get some knowledge of that love of Christ which passeth knowledge. Meditation is the palate of the soul whereby we taste the goodness of God; the eye of the soul whereby we view the beauties of holiness; that...gymnasia whereby our spiritual senses are exercised... It is the key to the wine cellar, to the banqueting house, to the garden of spices, which letteth us in unto him whom our soul loveth; it is the arm whereby we embrace the promises at a distance, and bring Christ and our souls together." [Edward Reynolds, "The Epistle to the Reader," in Thomas Watson, Sermons, p. iv-v]

Psalm 119:105

"Psychology can help in diagnosis, but only God can cure. As a rule He does so through the Book." [Andrew W. Blackwood, Preaching From the Bible, p. 212]

"One of the chief obstacles to healing is our obsession with the immediate. The 'itch for the instantaneous' pervades much of our Christian thinking. We tend to think that unless a healing is immediate, it is not of God... We have become impatient and frustrated with things that take time." [David Seamands, Healing of Memories, p. 181]

Isaiah 8:20

Since the Word of God can do so much for us, it is not surprising that the enemy of our souls would try to turn us away from it. For this reason both Old and New Testaments are full of warnings against false prophets and false teachers.

"We are to receive nothing for truth but what is agreeable to the Word. As God has given to his ministers gifts for interpreting obscure places, so he has given to his people so much of the spirit of discerning, that they can tell (at least in things necessary to salvation) what is consonant to Scripture, and what is not.... We have this blessed Book of God to resolve all our doubts, to point out a way of life to us.... God having given us his written Word to be our directory takes away all excuses of men. No man can say, I went wrong for want of light; God has given thee his Word as a lamp to thy feet; therefore if thou goest wrong, thou dost it wilfully.... The Spirit of God acts regularly, it works in and by the Word; and he that pretends to a new light, which is either above the Word, or contrary to it, abuses both himself and the Spirit: his light is borrowed from him who transforms himself into an angel of light (Satan)." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 31-33]

"The biggest liar in the world is 'They Say.'" [Douglas Malloch quoted in R. Scott Richards, Myths the World Taught Me, p. 13]

John 8:32

"People will go to a lot of trouble to learn French or physics or scuba diving. They have the patience to learn to operate a car but they won't be bothered learning how to operate them- selves." [Mildred Newman, Bernard Berkowitz, and Jean Owen, How To Be Your Own Best Friend, p. 8]

"I'm thinking of several Christian young men who came seeking help for their struggles with homosexuality. There were hours of counseling, prayers for healing, and a long time of repro- gramming which included accountability and encouragement from a small support group. They are now happily married, with families, and God has given them a special ministry to others with the same problem." [David Seamands, Freedom from the Performance Trap, p. 182]

II Timothy 3:16,17

"The Bible...is copyrighted in Heaven." [Gems From Bishop Taylor Smith's Bible, p. 22]

"Our minds are stuck in a rut, a pattern of thinking that is antagonistic to the will of God. Successful Christian living depends on getting out of that rut and establishing another one that is characterized by biblical values and ways of thinking." [Doug Moo, "Putting the Renewed Mind to Work," Renewing Your Mind in a Secular World , p. 145]

"We are where we are and what we are because of what has gone into our minds. We change where we are and what we are by changing what goes into our minds." [Zig Ziglar in A Treasury of Business Quotations, #213]

"...He that would get weeds destroyed must plant the ground with contrary seeds." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 155]

Personal Response

2. Will God help me understand His truth?

Psalm 25:8

"Men are unable to understand why time should be consumed in divine works.... Men.... demand immediate, tangible results. They ask, Where is the promise of His coming? They ask to be themselves made glorified saints in the twinkling of an eye. God's ways are not their ways, and it is a great trial to them that God will not walk in their ways. They love the earthquake and the fire. They cannot see the divine in 'a sound of gentle stillness,' and adjust themselves with difficulty to the lengthening perspective of God's gracious working.... These impatient souls....must at all costs have all that is coming to them at once." [B. B. Warfield, Perfectionism II, p. 561]

Psalm 32:8,9

"..A man was walking behind a gipsy woman and when they came to a place where the road divided, the gipsy woman threw her stick up into the air, and let it fall on the ground. Then she did it a second time; and a third time. By this time the gentleman had caught up with her, and, being curious, he enquired: 'Why do you throw your stick up into the air like that?' She replied, 'That is how I determine which way to go; I go whichever way the stick points.' 'But you threw it up three times,' he said, wondering why she had done so. 'Yes, I did!' she answered, 'for the silly thing would point that way, and I wanted to go this!'" [George Goodman, I Live Yet Not I, p. 84-85]

We may smile at the woman's folly, but are we any wiser when we do not let God rule, but only obey were God's commands agree with our wishes?

"I have found that many Christians rely more on their own ideas and feelings than they do on the Bible, especially when Scripture commands them to do difficult things. In particular, many people seem to believe they can be sure they are doing what is right if they pray and feel a sense of 'inner peace.' Nowhere does the Bible guarantee that a sense of peace is a sure sign that one is on the right course. Many people experience a sense of relief ('inner peace') even when they are on a sinful course, simply because they are getting away from stressful responsibilities. Conversely, doing what is right sometimes generates feelings other than peace, especially when we are required to obey difficult commands, die to our own desires, or put others' needs above our own. Since the Bible alone provides absolutely reliable guidance from God, it should always be our supreme source of truth and direction." [Ken Sande, The Peacemaker, p. 229]

Personal Response

3. What should my attitude be for maximum benefit?

Psalm 86:11

We cannot walk in God's way unless He teaches us, but it is folly to ask Him to teach us unless we resolve to obey Him as He instructs us. To do that we need what the psalmist prayed for-- a heart united in reverence for God.

"He has known the misery of a divided heart, the affections and purpose of which are drawn in manifold directions, and are arrayed in conflict against each other. There is no peace nor blessedness, neither is any nobility of life possible, without whole-hearted devotion to one great object; and there is no object capable of evoking such devotion or worthy to receive it, except Him who is 'God alone.' Divided love is no love. It is 'all in all, or not at all.'... There is no tranquillity nor any power in lives frittered away on a thousand petty loves.... 'This one thing I do' is the motto of all who have done anything worthy." [Alexander Maclaren, "The Psalms," The Expositor's Bible III, p. 223]

Psalm 119:18

"It is one of the million wild jests of truth that we can know nothing until we know nothing." [G. K. Chesterton, Heretics, p. 65]

"...Dependence on the Holy Spirit to teach us will guard us against...placing too much confidence in ourselves, and failing to trust the Lord for needed understanding. Of course, dependence on the Holy Spirit does not mean that study is unnecessary. God may sometimes quickly give us understanding of a particular passage, while at other times we may have to study patiently for insight." [Robert L. Samms, How To Study the Bible, Part I, p. 16]

Personal Response

HOW YOU CAN WORK THE PROGRAM

1) You will note that each step begins with "we" rather than "I". Homosexuality springs from a broken relationship with our same-sex parent, and the recovery program in these steps will only be effective as you work it in relationship with others. If there is an HA chapter near you, attend regularly and work the steps with them. If no chapter is nearby, order the Homosexuals Anonymous Policy and Advisory Manual from the "HA Book Ministry" list under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY" and start your own. If you can't do that, get two or three friends of the same sex who do not struggle with homosexuality to work this workbook with you (it will be a good Bible study for them). Ask them to encourage you in the recovery process and be accountable to them concerning your progress. Start your own chapter when your recovery is going well and continue to look to your friends for support as the chapter gets under way.

2) Watch the video: HA: The Path to Freedom listed under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Journal your responses and share what you have learned with someone in your chapter or a friend.

3) Read the brochures Can Homosexuals Change? and We're Finding Freedom listed under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Journal your responses and share what you have learned with someone in your chapter or a friend.

4) Read the material up to Step 1 in Experience, Strength and Hope listed under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Journal your responses and share what you have learned with someone in your chapter or a friend. Continue working in your workbook.

5) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

STEP 1

We admitted that we were powerless

over our homosexuality

and that our emotional lives

were unmanageable.

In Step 1 we acknowledge that homosexuality is a real problem to us and admit the power it has held over us. Thus we gain the humility we need to reach out to God and others for the help we must have if we are to experience the glorious liberty of the sons and daughters of God.

How long and cleverly we defended our right to wrong ourselves and others by denying that there was anything wrong at all. We deluded ourselves by claiming that there was nothing really wrong because we only engaged in homosexual activity once in a while when other people upset us. Some of us rationalized our behavior by saying, "I only engage in mutual masturbation, not intercourse, and that is not really homosexuality." Others maintained, "I don't have intercourse, just sexual intimacy without orgasm. How can that be wrong?" Some of us said we had no problem since we had never been sexual with anyone, ignoring the fact that homosexual desires, pornography, and masturbation ruled our lives.

We tried to quit. Failing that, we sought to cut down. We made promises and plans, but to no avail. We summoned up all our will-power, only to fail repeatedly. Many of us could not con- trol our outward behavior. The rest of us could not still the fierce war raging in our emotions. What we did not express with the body of another we did express with our own bodies in habit- ual masturbation to fantasy and pornography--leaving us guilty, ashamed, frightened, and hopeless. Our despair was so oppressive that some of us tried to take our own lives.

And so we faced the truth. Our pain and the hurt we were causing others was too real, too intense, to ignore. We were compelled to admit, "Something is desperately wrong. I have a real problem with homosexuality, and I cannot solve it by myself." Strangely, this admission of powerlessness was our first step to strength. Our confession of slavery started us on the road that leads to freedom!

1. What sexual activity was ordained by God?

Genesis 2:24

Human beings "alone...bear His likeness (see Gen. 1:27).... We must know God in order to know ourselves. God also tells us that to discover our true humanity, we must be known by the opposite sex.... When God determined to create a helper for Adam, no mere animal would do. The only adequate counterpart was one who would be similar enough to him to meet him on the inspired ground of his humanity, but unique enough to draw him out of his aloneness and fill in the empty places of his masculine soul. From Adam's rib God created Eve (see 2:21-23). And He built into each a yearning for the missing part within that the other possessed. Adam knew his maleness in the gaze of Eve's distinct femaleness, and vice versa.... That dynamic sense of dissimilarity and similarity drew them into an adventure of self-discovery.... Becoming 'one flesh' is a powerful symbol of this coming together.... United they complement one another, as well as create new life.... Thus the Genesis creation account reveals several key themes. First, God graces us with His image. We don't attain to the image; it's a gift of God. Second, the molding of the male and female reveals God's image. The complementarity of the two sexes reflects a fullness of being that same-sex union cannot reflect. Within that comple- mentarity, sexual yearning can be blessed." [Andrew Comiskey, Pursuing Sexual Wholeness, p. 39-41]

"The prima facie sense of Genesis 2:24 is that one man is to be joined to one woman and that the two become one flesh..." [John Murray, Principles of Conduct, p. 29] "The sexual act is a sanctuary sacred to the man and his wife alone. For any person to invade that sanctuary but man and wife is a desecration that violates one of the elementary canons regulative of human life and behavior. It is for man with wife and wife with man exclusively, and this applies to homosexual as well as heterosexual aberration." [ibid., p. 80]

Dr. Stanton L. Jones, professor of psychology at Wheaton College, notes, "Each major person- ality theory in psychology today places sexuality in a different place in a person's life; some place it at a person's core while others place it on a person's periphery. None of the major theories asserts that the expression of genital erotic urges is essential to human well-being. Even Freudian theory, the most 'sexualized' of the theories, does not posit genital gratification to be essential to wholeness." [The Crisis of Homosexuality, p. 112] "There is no scientific evidence that people who do not experience regular genital sexual gratification, intercourse, are less well-adjusted than others. Such a position is clearly hostile to the whole of biblical revelation, where sexuality is viewed as a blessing given to every human being, and expression of that sexuality in the overt form of intercourse is reserved only for those who are married." [ibid., p. 170]

Personal Response

2. Did Jesus think that what God originally ordained should be weakened or abandoned in any way?

Matthew 19:4,5

"The biblical case against practicing homosexuality....rests primarily on the constant, pervasive biblical teaching that sex is a gift intended for the committed relationship of a man and a woman in life-long covenant. Never is there a hint anywhere in Scripture that God intended sex in any other relationship." [Ronald Sider, Completely Pro-Life, p. 114]

"A man may have sexual relations with a woman who is married to him; with a woman who is married to someone else; with a woman who is unmarried; or with another man. The Bible con- demns the last three--adultery, fornication, and homosexual practices--in no uncertain terms, and is equally definite in approving the first..." [Alex Davidson, The Returns of Love, p. 35]

Personal Response

3. Does the Bible teach that homosexuality is contrary to God's will?

In Genesis 1 and 2 we "discover God's initial creative intent--man as male and female. The fall distorts God's intent for human sexuality...and the law arises in response to this deviation... Finally, in the New Testament, the law appears as an agent of reconciliation...directing sinful man to Christ." [Andrew Comiskey, Pursuing Sexual Wholeness: Guide, p. 159-160]

Leviticus 18:22-24

These words made many of us angry because we thought God was being arbitrary like a parent who says, "You can't wear blue just because I don't like it." God is not arbitrary. God is love (I John 4:16). When He tells us not to walk in a certain way, it is because He knows that road will be deadly for some of us physically, destructive for all of us emotionally and spiritually.

Unfortunately, our instinctual sexual drive, which has been joined to deep emotional needs for love not met in our relationship with our same-sex parent when we were young, makes us like people lost in a snow storm. We have tried to fight our way out but are now so weary that the snow looks warm and inviting. If only we can lie down and go to sleep, all will be well. To do so feels good, but to do so is to die! And so our Father lovingly urges us not to give in, but to fight on, promising freedom to those who will trust Him.

Romans 1:26,27

Some of us were deeply troubled by these words. We thought God had somehow selected us for special condemnation. We failed to read these words in their context.

What the passage is saying is that all men are sinners who have turned away from the true God to things they chose to worship. God then let them do what they wanted to do. Some were given over to heterosexual sin (Romans 1:24,25); others (made vulnerable by unmet same-sex, parent-child needs from childhood) to homosexual sin (Romans 1:26,27); others to other sins (Romans 1:28-31). "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). We are all worthy of death (Romans 1:32)! All of us are in the same boat! We only sit on different planks!

Further, God tells us we are sinners to show us our need of the forgiveness (Romans 3:21-5:21) and freedom (Romans 6:1-8:39) for which Christ died. Romans 1:26,27 was not written to harm us, but to bring us to Christ. It is motivated by a love which sacrificed everything for us and is written that we might enjoy the blessings of that sacrifice.

The words that so frightened us, "God gave them up," only mean that "...God allowed them to go their own way in order that they might at last learn from their consequent wretchedness to hate the futility of a life turned away from the truth of God. ...Paul's meaning is neither that these men fell out of the hands of God...nor that God washed His hands of them; but rather that this delivering them up was a deliberate act of judgment and mercy on the part of the God who smites in order to heal (Isa 19.22), and that throughout the time of their God-forsakenness God is still concerned with them and dealing with them." [C. E. B. Cranfield, "A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Epistle to the Romans," International Critical Commentary I, p. 110]

"Sometimes God seeks us by letting us go. Letting us go our own way and allowing us to suffer the inevitable consequences of that way in the hope that our suffering will bring us back to Him." [David Seamands, Freedom from the Performance Trap, p. 195]

I Corinthians 6:9-11

These words, which at first seemed so threatening, became some of the sweetest words in the Bible as we understood them better. True, they mention active and passive homosexuality among the sins which, if not repented of, bar people from the Kingdom of God. They do not list them first, as if they are the worst of sins; nor do they mention them last as if they are unspeakable. They are listed in the middle of this catalogue along with sins like greed and slander--no better, but no worse than the other misdeeds. And those words, "and such were some of you" told us that some early believers had struggled with homosexuality and had found forgiveness and freedom! Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Therefore the One who delivered them can also forgive and free us! We have solid hope drawn from God's own Word!

Personal Response

4. What is one reason God gave commandments in the Bible?

Deuteronomy 6:24

"God commandeth us a course of duty or right action...that we may be happy in his love.... His very law is a gift and a great benefit.... Holiness is happiness, in a great part." [Richard Baxter in Ernest Kevan, The Grace of Law, p. 62]

Deuteronomy 10:12,13

"The 'do's and don'ts' are there only to guide us toward a better, happier life. Just as an owner's manual advises you not to put water in your gas tank,...the Bible instructs us to do certain things and refrain from...others because God knows the ULTIMATE OUTCOME of all our actions.... And just as you might be able to operate your car for quite a while without an oil change and not discern any appreciable difference..., further down the road the internal damage caused by your neglect will reveal itself.... Look where you are now. Look at your gay friends. Are they anywhere close to where you want to be? Just as the car whose buyer neglects to heed the owner's manual will eventually fall apart, so will the person who neglects the wisdom in the Word of God." [J. A. Konrad, You Don't Have To Be Gay, p. 170-171]

Psalm 119:1

"All men would be happy, but few take the right way; God has here laid before us the right way, which we may be sure will end in happiness, though it be strait and narrow. Blessednesses are to the righteous..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 685]

Proverbs 8:36

"To say a man might disobey and be none the worse would be to say that no might be yes and light sometimes darkness." [George MacDonald: 365 Readings, p. 94]

"...Temporary relief...can lead to permanent misery." [Abraham Twerski, When Do the Good Things Start?, p. 56]

Jeremiah 32:39

'"Well Jack,' said one who met a man who had" recently become a Christian, "'I hear you have given up all your pleasures.' 'No, no' said Jack, 'the fact lies the other way. I have just found all my pleasures, and I have only given up my follies.'" [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXVII, (1891), p. 64]

Matthew 6:33

"Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness." [George Orwell in The Portable Curmudgeon, p. 133]

"...'Seek' carries the meaning of seeking earnestly, seeking intensely, living for it. And He ...enforces it by adding... 'first'.... That means...principally, above everything else; give that priority.... Many Christian people miss so many blessings...because they do not seek God diligently." [D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, The Sermon on the Mount II, p. 143]

"Because of our addictions, we simply cannot--on our own--keep the great commandments. Most of us have tried, again and again, and failed. Some of us have even recognized that these commandments are really our own deepest desires. We have tried to dedicate our lives to them, but still we fail. I think our failure is necessary, for it is in failure and helplessness that we can most honestly and completely turn to grace. Grace is our only hope for dealing with addiction, the only power that can truly vanquish its destructiveness." [Gerald May, Addiction and Grace, p. 16]

Personal Response

5. Where do homosexual temptations come from?

James 1:13-15

We must not blame God for our homosexual temptations, shaking our fists in His face and screaming, "Why have you made me this way?". God has not made us this way! We must admit that the problem is our own. It comes from within us as a result of a failed relationship with our same-sex parent and our defensive detachment from him or her. Once we acknowledge this truth, we can bring the resources of grace to bear on our struggle and begin our journey to freedom. Until then, we are doomed to remain stuck in our homosexuality.

Personal Response

6. Can I overcome homosexuality myself?

Jeremiah 13:23

"...Can the Ethopian change his skin, which is by nature black, or the leopard his spots, which are even woven into the skin?... Sin is the blackness of the soul, the deformity of it; it is its spot, the discoloring of it; it is natural to us, we were shapen in it, so that we cannot get clear of it by any power of our own. But there is an almighty grace..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible IV, p. 496]

"...The new sexual addiction groups...all begin with the first step of AA...--that I must...realize this is something that's taken over my life and I'm powerless. That has a direct parallel in our evangelical theology: 'Nothing in my hand I bring...helpless come to thee for grace.' Evangeli- calism is a theology of powerlessness.... We haven't always been...consistent in applying it, but those of us who sat through all those altar calls are no strangers to the admonition that if we think we can do something about our basic brokenness...we're on the wrong track. Spurgeon once said that if he told people to crawl back and forth from here to Rome on their hands and knees they would want to do it; but the hardest advice to take is that there is nothing you can do. That is what the...addiction models are picking up on.... It is a move toward the gospel rather than away from it." [Richard Mouw, "The Life of Bondage in the Light of Grace: An Interview," Christianity Today, (December 9, 1988), p. 44]

Romans 5:6

"After many years of pastoral ministry in which it has been my privilege to counsel people of varying races and cultures, I have come to a strong conclusion that the last thing we humans surrender to God is an admission of our helplessness to save ourselves." [David Seamands, Freedom from the Performance Trap, p. 112]

Personal Response

7. Does being a Christian enable me to overcome homosexuality by myself?

Romans 7:19

"'Lord,' said Augustine, 'deliver me from my worst enemy, that wicked man--myself.'" [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit X, 1864, p. 409]

"Experts speculate that as much as ten percent of the total Christian population is sexually addicted." [Mark R. Laaser, The Secret Sin, p. 15] "A Leadership magazine survey revealed that twenty-three percent of the three hundred pastors who responded had done something sexually inappropriate with someone other than their spouse." [ibid., p. 63] "Our research indicates that probably no church of over 200 members is without its homosexual constituency." [Paul Morris, Shadow of Sodom, p. 26]

"Sin keeps house with us whether we will or not; the best saint alive is troubled with inmates; though he forsakes his sins, yet his sins will not forsake him." [Thomas Watson, Sermons, p. 27]

"The three things which we must insist on if we would share Paul's view are: first, that to grace always belongs the initiative--it is grace that works the change: secondly, that to grace always belongs the victory--grace is infinite power: and thirdly, that the working of grace is by process, and therefore reveals itself at any given point of observation as conflict.... The sanctifying action of the Spirit terminates on us, not merely on our activities; under it not only our actions but we are made holy. Only, this takes time; and therefore at no point short of its completion are either our acts or we 'perfect.'" [B. B. Warfield, Perfectionism II, p. 584]

Galatians 5:17

"Anselm, seeing a little boy playing with a bird, he let her fly up, and presently pulls the bird down again by a string: so, saith he, it is with me...; when I would fly up to heaven upon the wings of meditation, I find a string tied to my leg; I am overcome with corruption..." [Thomas Watson, Sermons, p. 28]

"Flesh and Spirit...are opposites. They pull in opposite directions, 'that you may not do the things you wish' (5:17). Luther recalling Romans 7--'The good I would, I do not; the evil that I would not, that I practice'--took this to mean, 'that you may not do the good things you wish to do.' You will never shake off the flesh; you will never be able to move smoothly ahead, achieving all the good things you mean to do. This is true, but it is not the whole truth. 'The things you wish to do', you being the man that you are, may well be bad things; and the Spirit is at work to prevent you from doing them. The result is...a mixture of good and evil..." [C. K. Barrett, Freedom & Spirit, p. 76]

"Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven", and given grace to grow up into Christ bit-by-bit, day-by-day, in all things (Ephesians 4:15).

Personal Response

8. What about my own intelligence and determination?

Admitting powerlessness was a terrifying step for many of us--one we resisted strenuously. To admit powerlessness meant that we had to acknowledge that all our efforts at control were ineffective, but to abandon them seemed to invite chaos into our lives. What would be left to us if we let go of all our elaborate systems of control? Who would control us if we could not control ourselves? To admit powerlessness made us feel like fools and failures, and some of us had spent years trying to become strong to compensate for deep feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. To admit powerlessness meant that we had to trust others to help us, and many of us found tremendous difficulty trusting anyone because of unresolved childhood hurts. To admit that we were powerlessness was to admit our need of God, and many of us did not really want Him in our lives. So we continued our futile struggling.

Proverbs 3:5,6

"We do not have the ability in ourselves to accomplish the least of God's tasks. This is a law of grace. When we recognize it is impossible for us to perform a duty in our own strength, we will discover the secret of its accomplishment. But alas, this is a secret we often fail to discover." [John Owen, Sin and Temptation, p. 99]

Jeremiah 10:23

"Charlotte Eliza Kasl says, 'Addiction is, essentially, a spiritual breakdown, a journey away from the truth into emotional blindness and death.'... As the thinking and the behavior of the addict moves further and further away from reality, thinking processes become impaired.... Sexual addicts become progressively dishonest, self-centered, isolated, fearful, confused, devoid of feelings, dualistic, controlling, perfectionistic, blinded to their disease (denial), insane, blaming (projection), and dysfunctional. In short, their lives become progressively unmanage- able." [Anne Wilson Schaff, Escape From Intimacy, p. 10-11]

"We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves." [Eric Hoffer in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 311]

John 15:5

I am "a branch intimately and vitally joined to the vine--not just tacked on to the vine, but actually a part of it. ...Just as the life of that vine flows naturally into the branch, so the life of Jesus Christ flows naturally into me.... But the analogies of the branch on the vine and the members of the body should not be pressed so far as to give the impression that we are passive in our union with Christ. Jesus told us...to remain, or to abide, in Him.... We must renounce all confidence in our own wisdom, power, and merit, instead looking entirely to Christ for what we need to live the Christian life. But what makes the looking to Him effective and fruitful is the fundamental fact that we are in Him.... That is what God has done in calling us into fellow- ship with His Son Jesus Christ. He has brought us into a vital relationship with Christ that is as intimate as the relationship of the branch to the vine and the body to the head. He has made us to share in the very life of Christ Himself." [Jerry Bridges, The Crisis of Caring, p. 32-33]

Personal Response

9. Can I depend solely on the wisdom of men to gain freedom from homosexuality?

Psalm 1:1-3

Some of us were thoroughly confused because we had chosen to listen to people in the lifestyle, instead of to God. For a while, all seemed well. Then the pain, which inevitably comes from walking in ways contrary to God's will, overwhelmed us. At first, shame kept us from reaching out to God. Fortunately, the hurt got so bad that we finally said, "I will arise and go to my Father."

Psalm 118:8

"Behavioral psychologist Joseph Wolpe was faced with a religious client who felt guilty about his homosexuality. Wolpe had to decide which behavior to extinguish--the homosexuality or the religious guilt. Rather than try to change the homosexuality, he chose to ameliorate the guilt... Psychology claims to work from a 'value-free' philosophy. However, decisions such as this-- to eliminate religious guilt--are in fact being made from another value hierarchy of the therapist's choosing.... Two interesting notes on this case: first, Wolpe said he made his decision based upon the belief that homosexuality was biologically determined. Second, the client later discovered heterosexual attraction on his own after undergoing assertion training, and married. Wolpe considered him to be cured of homosexuality." [Joseph Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, p. 15-16]

Proverbs 12:15

While there are people the Bible warns us not to listen to, there are others the Bible encourages us to heed. Many of us were too proud or too frightened to seek outside help, and so continued to suffer until, in desperation, we overcame our fears, swallowed our pride, and reached out to those who could offer godly help.

Proverbs 15:22

"I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it." [Edgar Allen Poe in R. Scott Richards, Myths the World Taught Me, p. 71]

Jeremiah 17:5-8

Some of us, passive by nature, were ready to swallow anything we were told without responsible evaluation. All men are finite, and even the wisest and best can err; and, as sinners, men distort or even deny the truth. The Bible is God's touchstone by which we must test the teachings of men.

And even when men teach the truth, they cannot give us the strength to practice it. The Spirit of God must give us power if we are to live the truth we know. We should learn from others, but we must depend on God!

Acts 17:11

"In our present fallen condition it is impossible to...(think out) a standard of duty which shall be warped by none of our prejudices, distorted by none of our passions, and corrupted by none of our habits.... It is only of the law of the Lord as contained in the Scriptures that we can justly say, It is perfect.: [James Henley Thornwell, Collected Writings II, p. 457]

I John 4:1

"Everything in the railway service depends upon the accuracy of the signals. When these are wrong, life will be sacrificed. On the road to heaven we need unerring signals, or the catas- trophes will be far more terrible." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXVI, (1890), p. 167]

Personal Response

10. Where can I turn for real help with homosexuality?

Isaiah 55:6

"Seek...him...as your oracle. Ask the law at his mouth. What wilt thou have me to do? Seek...him...as your portion and happiness; seek to be reconciled to him and acquainted with him, and to be happy in his favor. Be sorry that you have lost him; be solicitous to find him; take the appointed method of finding him, making use of Christ as your way, the Spirit as your guide, and the word as your rule.... It is implied that now God is near and will be found, so that it shall not be in vain to seek him... Now his patience is waiting on us, his word is calling to us, and his Spirit is striving with us.... But...there is a day coming when he will be afar off, and will not be found, when the day of his patience is over, and his Spirit will strive no more. There may come such a time in this life, when the heart is incurably hardened; it is certain that at death and judgment the door will be shut, Luke xvi.26; xiii.25,26." [Matthew Henry, Com- mentary on the Whole Bible IV, p. 319]

John 8:34

"The sinner thinks sin is his tool, but he himself is the tool of sin. Sin obtains the mastery of his affections and will, and when the galling chains are felt, and efforts made to break through them, the awful tyranny is realized." [George Reith, The Gospel According to St. John II, p. 17]

"Servitude degrades people to such a point that they come to like it." [Luc de Clapiers in A Treasury of Business Quotations, # 507]

"Men rattle their chains to show that they are free." [Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 109]

John 8:36

"To deliver men from this bondage is the grand object of the Gospel. To awaken people to a sense of their degradation, to show them their chains, to make them arise and struggle to be free,--this is the great end for which Christ sent forth His ministers." [J. C. Ryle, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels I, p. 540]

"The Son of God makes free all who believe on Him, by delivering the conscience from the sense of guilt, and the will from the power of sin.... Jesus has gained for us the son's footing in the Father's house by His merits. He has also put the son's heart into us by His Spirit. Con- fidence toward God, joy of access, assurance, and deliverance from the love and power of sin, all follow this twofold work of Christ for us and in us." [George Reith, The Gospel According to St. John II, p. 17-18]

"The Son makes you free (v. 36), so trust Him and follow Him. His truth makes you free (v. 32), so study it, believe it, and obey it. Satan imposes slavery that seems like freedom (2 Pet. 2:19); Jesus gives you a yoke that sets you free (Matt. 11:28-30)." [Warren W. Wiersbe, With the Word, p. 694]

Romans 8:2

It has been asked how the same man can, at the same time, be both "sold under sin" (Romans 7:14b) and "free from the law of sin and death" (Romans 8:2)? "Both...are indeed true of the Christian life, and neither is to be watered down or explained away. While the Christian never in this life escapes entirely from the hold of...sin, so that even the best things he does are always marred by its corruption, and any impression of having attained a perfect freedom is but an illusion...., the believer is no longer an unresisting, or only ineffectually resisting, slave, nor is he one who fondly imagines that his bondage is emancipation. In him a constraint...stronger than that of sin is...at work, which both gives him an inner freedom...and enables him to revolt against the usurper sin with a real measure of effectiveness. He has received the gift of the freedom to fight back manfully." [C. E. B. Cranfield, "A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Epistle to the Romans," The International Critical Commentary I, p. 377-378]

II Corinthians 3:5

"Addiction can be, and often is, the thing that brings us to our knees.... Addiction teaches us not to be too proud, Sooner or later, addiction will prove to us that we are not gods." [Gerald May, Addiction and Grace, p. 20]

"The spiritual life which I have is not my own. I did not induce it, and I cannot maintain it. It is only and solely the work of Christ. It is not I who live, but Christ lives in me. My whole life is His alone." [John Owen, Sin and Temptation, p. 83]

II Corinthians 12:7-10

Recovery "is an experience of being changed by a loving supportive God who knows what we need and helps us through our pain to see and give up our...selfish agendas and surrender to his.... At times we are excited and delighted witnesses to our...transformation. At other times we are immersed in pain and discouragement at the slow pace of change, but with less and less fear of such pain and more and more confidence that we will emerge on the other side of it in a better place, closer to God. ...The steps are most effective when taken in the context of...:

1. Attending...step meetings

2. Reading certain material

3. Praying and meditating

4. Accepting guidance from a sponsor (step coach) through the process of 'working the steps'

5. Giving away what one is finding."

[J. Keith Miller, A Hunger for Healing, p. 8]

Personal Response

11. Will I need the help of others as well?

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"A partial solution to the sorrows of the lonely is found in the blessings of companionship. The central point made in v.9 is expanded in vv.10-12a with three illustrations; v.12b extends the principle further. Possibly all three illustrations are taken from the risks of travel; pits and ravines along the way (10), cold nights (11) and wayside marauders (12a). They highlight the blessings of companionship in error or mishap (10), adversity (11) or hostility (12a).... The move from two to three may...be a hint that there is nothing sacrosanct about the pair and that companionship may operate within larger numbers.... In some realms progress may be measured by increasing independence; in this realm spiritual stature is measured by growing interdependence." [Michael Eaton, "Ecclesiastes: An Introduction and Commentary," Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, p. 94-95]

"God has made no provision in the Bible for isolation. Scripture expressions all show a contrary state of things:-- We are

'branches' in the vine,

'members' in the body,

'stones' in the temple,

'brothers and sisters' in the family..."

[D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 141]

I Thessalonians 5:11

"Recovery from addiction is the reversal of the alienation that is integral to the addiction. Addicts must establish roots in a caring community. With that support, addicts can stay straight as they struggle with a perspective for their lives." [Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows, p. 19]

Dr. Earl Henslin warns, "We are not made to do recovery alone. Yet it's especially tempting for those of us who are Christians to do everything we can to keep our problems to ourselves. Often Christians say, 'Jesus is my support group. I share my problems with Him.' Sharing our problems with Jesus is a good first step.... But it is also important that we feel the reality of Christ's care through relationship with other people who struggle with similar issues. Just as Jesus moved toward His heavenly Father and His friends when He was in Gethsemane, so also we need to move toward God and others." [The Way Out of the Wilderness, p. 137-137] He states, "...The primary way healing and change occur is through a support group..." [ibid., p. 127] "...I don't mean attending an occasional meeting. I mean...attending on a regular, weekly basis. This is a scary step. Many times a person will attend one support-group meeting, find something wrong with it, and write off all support groups.... The individual finds it easier to see flaws in the support group than to work through the pain and flaws in his or her life." [ibid., p. 146]

Drs. Ralph Earle and Gregory Crow write, "One of our patients came up to us after a group meeting recently and complained, 'I must not be getting much out of these groups. I'm always in turmoil when I leave.' ...This patient wanted recovery to be a comfortable experience. But we told him, and now tell you, 'That's the point of recovery programs.... Most (sexual addicts) need a thorn in the side, the voices of self-help groups or therapists, to keep them moving toward recovery and to prevent them from returning to their old ways of thinking and behav- ing.'" [Lonely All the Time, p. 212]

II Timothy 2:22

Jeffrey Keefe, who received his doctorate in clinical psychology from Fordham University, said: "In my judgment, Homosexuals Anonymous...provides the most effective program, because it combines needed group support which in turn fosters self-acceptance and self-insight, with the spiritual dimension essential for any radical change. Individual therapy may be needed to supplement group therapy." [in John Harvey, The Homosexual Person, p. 76]

David Neff, senior associate editor of Christianity Today, writes, "For those who wish to conquer their addiction and turn away from a homosexual orientation, there is Homosexuals Anonymous." [The Crisis of Homosexuality, p. 98]

Personal Response

12. What might keep me from getting the help I need?

Jeremiah 17:9

Dr. Arnold Washton and Donna Boundy write, "...The four cardinal signs of addiction" are: (I) obsession; (II) negative consequences; (III) a lack of control; and (IV) denial "(1) that the ...activity is a problem they can't control and (2) that the negative consequences have any connection whatsoever to the...activity." [Willpower's Not Enough, p. 21-27]

"Clancy I., a well-known AA speaker from southern California, runs a mission for skid-row alcoholics in Los Angeles. He tells stories of holding many of them in his arms as they die from their alcoholism. And as they die, they protest, 'It wasn't the booze...'" [William Crisman, The Opposite of Everything Is True, p. 20]

Crisman describes his own experience. "...The use of booze and drugs was killing me... And even though I could rationally see that fact, I could not believe it because my gut told me that my survival depended on continuing to use the stuff. And the more dependent I became, the more I believed my gut." [ibid., p. 22]

John 9:40,41

"The healing of the blind man (in John 9) is presented as a parable of spiritual illumination. Thanks to the coming of the true light into the world, many who were formerly in darkness have been enlightened... But...some who thought they had no need of the enlightenment he brought ...turned their backs on him and, without realizing it, moved into deeper darkness.... Had they acknowledged their spiritual blindness and allowed him to remove it, they would have been blessed. Had they lived in darkness and found no way out into the light, their plight would have been sad but no blame would have attached to them. Blame did attach to those who, while liv-ing in darkness, claimed to be able to see... To be so self-deceived as to shut one's eyes to the light is a desperate state to be in: the light is there, but if people...reject it, how can they be enlightened? As Jesus said, their sin remains." [F. F. Bruce, The Gospel of John, p. 220-221]

Hebrews 3:13

"Many people have difficulty admitting...that any part of their lives has become unmanageable. We tend to think--perhaps because we like to think--that we are in control of everything." [Abraham Twerski, Waking Up Just In Time, p. 13] "The refusal to recognize that things have gotten out of control is called denial. Denial is not the same as lying, because in denial the person actually believes in his own distortion of reality." [ibid., p. 18] "Here is a good rule of thumb: If something causes a problem, it is a problem. Making believe that it is not will only allow the problem to continue." [ibid, p. 19-20]

Reviewing Nicholas von Hoffman's biography of the late Roy Cohn, Newsweek noted, "Cohn's homosexuality entered the public domain only after he died of AIDS in 1986. Cohn denied it to Mike Wallace on '60 Minutes' a few months before he died. von Hoffman....portrays Cohn travelling in a limo, accompanied by his current boy-friend, to deliver an address against gay rights before a 'Save the family' organization. This wasn't simple hypocrisy, von Hoffman suggests. He believes Cohn adhered to an earlier definition of (homosexuals)...as men who behaved effeminately. He didn't. Therefore he wasn't. In a stammering interview with Ken Auletta in the 70's, Cohn said, 'Every facet of my personality, of my, ah, aggressiveness, of my toughness, of everything along those lines, is just totally, I suppose, incompatible with anything like that...' Yet Cohn was extravagantly promiscuous, hiring male hookers almost nightly at $100 a shot." [Newsweek, (April 4, 1988), p. 69]

"When reality tries to tell you something, listen!" [Abraham Twerski, When Do the Good Things Start?, p. 14]

I John 1:8

"Did you ever watch babies put their hands over their eyes to hide from you? Infants think that when they cannot see you, you cannot see them... Like other forms of infantile thinking, this sometimes persists into adult life. There are people who believe that when they are oblivious to something, it simply does not exist." [Abraham Twerski, When Do the Good Things Start?, p. 18]

Revelation 3:17

Consider the great Judy Garland (1922-1969). A fantastic singer, superb actress, star of stage, screen, and television, she could totally captivate an audience. She had everything people think will make them happy: talent, success, applause, money; she tried everything the world sug- gested to find happiness: parties, booze, drugs, sex (she had five husbands). And yet she was a tragic figure.

"Judy was still in her teens when she began being plagued by a weight problem. In an effort to contain her tendency to gain pounds, the studio put her on a strict diet and a doctor recom- mended pills. At the time, the strain of work began taking its toll on her nervous system, and before long she was living on pills; pills to put her to sleep, pills to keep her awake, and pills to suppress her appetite. By the time she was 21 she was seeing a psychiatrist regularly.... The news Judy made in the late 50s involved lawsuits, counterlawsuits, nervous breakdowns, suicide attempts..." [Ephriam Katz, The Film Encyclopedia, p. 467-468]

Her last husband, Mickey Deans, said she was "frightened, guilt ridden" "afraid of the dark, afraid of sleep, afraid of death" [Look, (October 7, 1969), p. 85]. Newsweek described her as "...the bruised and vulnerable woman of 47 who struggled to the other side of the rainbow and found nothing there" [Newsweek, (July 7, 1969), p. 19]

She was so unhappy she repeatedly attempted suicide. Her last husband said, "She must have tried it at least 20 times while we were married.... Someone had to be there every minute. We never dared to leave her alone" [Life, (July 11, 1969), p. 27]. But one night, when he fell asleep, she crept into the bathroom and took an overdose of sleeping pills.

And yet help was offered to her. British actress Joan Winmill Brown tells of a meeting at Debbie Reynolds' home. She writes, "I heard the door open and Judy Garland stood there. To see her face was quite a shock to me. Her eyes betrayed the years of agony she had gone through.... She hesitated and then began to walk toward the couch where I was sitting. I moved over, and she sat down next to me. Whispering introductions, we then turned our atten- tion to Billy Graham and listened as he told of God's inestimable love.

"Suddenly Billy turned to me and said, 'Joan, why don't you tell what has happened in your life?' All faces turned towards me. Judy looked at me and smiled that beautiful smile as if in encouragement.

"I began to tell of my innermost fears and longings, my breakdowns, and then my contemplated suicide. I told how the Lord had come in and given me hope where there had been nothing but despair, and how I was assured of His love in my life. After I finished speaking there was complete silence.

"Then I felt a hand on my arm. It was Judy's. 'That was beautiful, darling. But you see--you had a need. I don't have any need." [Joan Winmill Brown, No Longer Alone, p. 124]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 1

I was always afraid to admit powerlessness over my homosexuality because I thought that to do so would mean the struggle was hopeless. If I could not bring my homosexuality under control, I felt I was doomed to its being forever out of control.

"But what about God?" you might ask. "Couldn't you go to Him for grace to help in time of need?" I tried. I accepted Christ, prayed, read my Bible, fasted, sought the fullness of the Spirit, went into Christian work, went to seminary, married--tried, yet there was no deliverance from lust and masturbation and, under heavy stress, I began acting out. And once I started there seemed to be no stopping.

Once, when one of the fellows I was involved with threatened to expose me, I determined to summon all my strength, seek God with all my heart, and stop. To continue in homosexuality was to risk my reputation, my job, my family, my very sanity! Yet despite my resolves and my prayers, I was back with the very same person in less than two weeks! On another occasion I saw a picture of another person with whom I had been involved a year after he had gone out of my life and burst into uncontrollable weeping from the pain of longing--longing for love, but a longing that was all mixed up with illicit sex.

And so I felt that God would not help me. I was sure that He was disgusted with me and, if I could not help myself, there was no help.

I was wrong, of course. The problem was not with God. My sin did not dim His love. My guilt was not too great for Christ's blood and righteousness. I was right to turn to Him, but wrong in my expectations of Him.

I expected God to deliver me all at once. He was waiting to heal me over time. This was not to torment me, but to teach me, to enable me to learn lessons about God, myself, and others which are enriching me immeasurably.

I expected God to deliver me without anyone else--just the two of us. He wanted to deliver me through His people. My problem is relational. It's a result of pulling away from my father and, later on, others. Its solution is relational. I must learn to reach out to others.

I was demanding a miracle. God wanted to use means--means that would fill the hunger for love left from my childhood failure to relate to my father.

To admit powerlessness is not, of course, a once-and-for-all act. It is a daily decision to reach out to God and to others when lonely, frightened, stressed, hurting, in need. When I follow God's will and reach out, I stand. When I forget, and draw back, doing things in my old way, I fall.

No one should expect this life to be easy. Everyone faces problems which sometimes over-whelm, but you need not face your struggles alone. God and His people are here for you. Begin reaching out. Why not today?

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 1

1) Order the brochure The Step Coach listed under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY" in the "HA Book Ministry" list and, after you have read it, ask one of the senior members in your chapter to be your step coach. If you have no chapter, find a friend who will work this workbook with you and encourage you as you work the steps. Make yourself accountable to them for your progress.

2) In your journal, write out as many examples of powerlessness and emotional unmanage- ability as a result of your struggle with homosexuality as you can remember. Discuss your findings with your step coach.

3) List something you can do this week to reach out in a new way to God or to another human being. Share your decision with your step coach and ask him or her to monitor your progress.

4) Listen to the tape Power for Powerlessness and read the brochures Reach Out amd Power for the Powerless listed under "STEP 1" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read the material in Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 2 while continuing to work in your workbook. Journal what you learn and share your findings with your step coach.

5) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

I can not do it alone;

The waves run fast and high,

And the fogs close chill around,

And the light goes out in the sky;

But I know that we two shall win

in the end--

Jesus and I.

I can not row it myself,

My boat on the raging sea;

But beside me sits Another,

Who pulls or steers with me;

And I know that we two shall come

into port--

His child and He.

Coward and wayward and weak,

I change with the changing sky,

Today so eager and brave,

Tomorrow not caring to try;

But He never gives in, so we two

shall win--

Jesus and I.

--The late Dan Crawford

Missionary to Africa STEP 2

We came to believe the love of God,

who forgave us and accepted us

in spite of all that we are and have done.

In Step 1 we faced our helplessness. We confessed that homosexuality was more than we could handle alone. In Step 2 we see our hope. Step 2 tells us of a loving and forgiving Father who will meet the unmet needs which cause our struggle.

Step 2 does not say "instantly believed" or even "enthusiastically believed". It says "came to believe" implying that faith did not come easily for many of us. Why is belief so difficult for some?

Our first and most influential ideas about God come from our early relationship with our parents. Unfortunately, many of us did not get on too well with our folks and so formed a mental image of God as Someone who does not really care, who is distant, demanding, always disapproving, harsh, angry, cold, indifferent, rejecting.

This is often compounded by unhappy experiences with people in church who we thought cor- rectly represented God. Some of us shared our struggle with a Christian who turned away from us. We concluded (wrongly) that if they despised us, God must also hold us in contempt.

Some of us were angry with God. We had asked Him repeatedly for help with our struggle, but nothing happened. Why was He so silent? Had He walked out on us? Did He care? Why did He leave us to struggle alone? Why had He not helped? These angry questions raised disturb- ing doubts in our minds and drove some of us not only to question God's love, but to deny His existence.

A number of us really hated ourselves because of what we had been doing and thinking. The guilt and shame we felt deluded us into thinking that God must hate us at least as much as we despised ourselves. So, for many of us, thoughts of God were most unwelcome, bringing only feelings of fear and condemnation.

If you find thoughts of God difficult, please remember, "The only requirement for HA member- ship is a desire to be free from homosexuality." We are not here to cram our beliefs down your throat, but to share with you what has helped us. The struggle with homosexuality will be more difficult in some ways than any you have met before. You will have to deal, not simply with outward actions or even inner thoughts, but with feelings that live at the very core of your existence. In this struggle, we have to find out who we are. We cannot trust our feelings or thinking because our past has distorted them. We cannot trust friends who share our distortions. Who can we trust? Who will gently show us who we are? We have found that only God can help here.

And God does help. We have learned this from our experience and, if you continue with us, you will see Him at work in some of our lives.

Gamaliel Bradford has been called "the wistful agnostic." A pioneer in psychological biography, he was mightily impressed by his research into the lives of men and women who had become real Christians. Perhaps you can accept his testimony. Speaking of the incontrovertible evidence of the transformation wrought by Christ in human lives, he wrote: "What this added power, which comes through Christ and the acceptance of salvation through Him, may be or may mean is another question. You may explain it psychologically however you please. There can be no question as to the fact. Men who have been hopelessly possessed by the devil of drink, have accepted Christ, and have flung drink behind them forever. Men who have found the sexual burden as impossible to throw off as it was intolerable to bear, have gone to Christ for help, have filled their lives with Christ, and then have looked back with wonder and pity at their former slavery." [Life and I, p. 213]

All this may be frightening to you. Just remember, you don't have to believe a thing we say to be welcomed and cared for. You are loved for your courage in entering this struggle. Bear with us. Keep open and honest. Dare to experiment. Try to have an open mind. Work those parts of the program you are ready for, leaving the others for later. If you cannot work on your relationship with God now, work on your relationship with others. God is wonderfully patient and He does understand. Do your best. Keep in touch. And easy does it! One day at a time!

1. Might I have distorted ideas of God?

Psalm 50:21

"Our concept of God propels us forward or it holds us back. Where did we get our idea of God? Our parent tapes and early religious instructions, our experiences, our imaginations, and even our programmed reactions to authority figures helped forge our concept of God.... We project impatience into God. We imagine God turning away from us. We think a thousand things that could never be. The fact is this: God is love, according to the Scriptures." [John Powell, Happiness Is an Inside Job, p. 138]

Isaiah 40:28

"There are many of us who really expect God to be silent and distant. Occasionally we throw our prayers and gifts over the high wall that separates us from God. We hope that he hears, but we do not expect an answer." [John Powell, Happiness Is an Inside Job, p. 134]

John 16:1-3

"One day I heard a new man in the program talking to an old-timer...., "No way I'm going to turn my life over to God! He'd ruin me--and I'd deserve it.' He went on to say that for him God was a giant policeman, and the man's life had been such that his experience with the police was not at all positive. The old-timer...said, 'You ought to fire that God..! You've got the wrong God for this program... The God who operates here is loving, forgiving, and gives you all the chances you need to get the program; he is honest and will always be there for you. I had a God like yours when I first came in here, but I had to fire him and get me a new God.' ...I realized....my unconscious...image of God...was a picture of my human father as I exper- ienced him... My father had not been there for me when I felt I really needed him as a little boy.... So I fired that God...and decided to believe in the God I saw living in the lives of recovering people..., a God who operated exactly like the God...in the Bible." [J. Keith Miller, A Hunger for Healing, p. 50-52]

I Corinthians 1:20,21

"Most of us have an instinctive fear of God that is based on our own weakness.... We either have to become comfortable with this human condition or go on pretending that it is not true. We have to go on hiding behind our pretending. Naturally, I am not suggesting that we simply cave in...to human weakness. I am suggesting that we must learn to be comfortable (with the fact that)....we have sinned and we will sin again.... It is important for me to know...Jesus... the Good Shepherd. I have to keep remembering that he is looking for us lost sheep and rejoic- ing when he finds us.... He takes me into his arms and sobs in relief, 'You're home. You know, that's all I've ever wanted. You're home.'" [John Powell, Happiness Is an Inside Job, p. 141]

Personal Response

2. How can I correct my distorted ideas of God?

John 1:18

"We must...remember that none of the appearances of God to man, described in the Old Testa- ment, were the appearances of God the Father. He whom Abraham, and Jacob, and Moses, and Joshua, and Isaiah, and Daniel saw, were not the First Person in the Trinity, but the Second." [J. C. Ryle, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels I, p. 42]

"The eye of mortal man has never beheld God the Father. No man could bear the sight. Even to Moses it was said, 'Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see Me, and live.' (Exod. xxxiii. 20.) Yet all that mortal man is capable of knowing about God the Father is fully revealed to us by God the Son. He, who was in the bosom of the Father from all eternity, has been pleased to take our nature upon Him, and to exhibit to us in the form of man, all that our minds can comprehend of the Father's perfections." [ibid., p. 37]

John 14:8,9

"Let us...take comfort in the simple truth, that Christ is...God; equal with the Father in all things, and One with Him. He who loved us, and shed His blood for us on the cross, and bids us trust Him for pardon, is no mere man like ourselves. He is 'Over all, God blessed for ever' (Rom. ix. 5), and able to save to the uttermost the chief of sinners.... He that casts his soul on Christ has an Almighty Friend,--a Friend who is One with the Father, and very God." [J. C. Ryle, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels II, p. 290]

Hebrews 1:1-3

Christ, the Son, has perfectly revealed the Father to us because He is God Himself. Therefore He is able to do things which God alone can do: to sustain all things by his powerful word and purge away our sins.

"Our author is not thinking of that general revelation of Himself which God has given in creation, providence and conscience...but of that special revelation which He has given in two stages: first to the fathers through the prophets, and finally in His Son. These two stages of divine revelation correspond to the Old and New Testaments respectively.... The earlier stage of the revelation was given in a variety of ways....yet all the successive acts and varying modes of revelation in the ages before Christ came did not add up to the fullness of what God had to say. His word was not completely uttered until Christ came; but when Christ came, the word spoken in Him was indeed God's final word.... The story of divine revelation is a story of progression up to Christ, but there is no progression beyond Him.... God's previous spokesmen were His Servants, but for the proclamation of His last word to man He has chosen His Son." [F. F. Bruce, "The Epistle to the Hebrews," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 2-3]

"...The 'Son' in His relation to 'God' is represented here by light beaming forth from light, and by exact impress--the perfect image produced by stamp or seal." [W. F. Moulton, "The Epistle to the Hebrews," Ellicotts Commentary on the Whole Bible VIII , p. 284]

God has perfectly revealed Himself to man in His Son. As we behold Christ in the Bible, the Holy Spirit gradually replaces our false ideas of God with truth. As the truth passes from our conscious into our unconscious, healing takes place in our relationship with God.

Personal Response

3. Can I approach God when I have doubts?

Mark 9:24

"We readily confess that our faith is weak and timid at times. We struggle with periods of doubt.... Do we forfeit God's blessing because we are weak in faith? ...Consider Abraham, the father of believers. His faith was not always unfailing and strong. He had his moments of doubt and despair. Yet...God blessed him.... When the father of the epileptic said to Jesus, 'I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!'..., Jesus heard his prayer... He healed the man's son... Note, however, that this man struggled with his weak faith and asked for help. He received it." [Simon J. Kistemaker, "James and I-III John," New Testament Commentary, p. 39-40]

Luke 17:5,6

"Their view of faith was certainly very wrong. They saw it as a kind of power with differing degrees of intensity. But the power of faith is not contained in faith itself but in God, whom we know by faith.... Therefore, Jesus answered that if they had faith as small as a mustard seed, they would be able to order a mulberry tree to be uprooted and it would be done.... God, in whom they put their trust, would work the impossible." [S. G. De Graff, Promise and Deliv- erance III, p. 412-413]

John 7:17

Dr. R. A. Torrey wrote, "I have found no passage in the Bible equal to John 7:17 in dealing with an honest skeptic." [R. A. Torrey, How To Work For Christ, p. 118] He would ask the doubter if he believed there is an absolute difference between right and wrong. If the man said he did, Torrey asked if he would take his stand on right and follow it wherever it carried him. If the man agreed, Torrey said, "You do not know whether there is a God... I know there is a God and that He answers prayer..." [ibid., p. 119] He suggested the man make a scientific experiment. He asked him to read the Gospel of John a few verses at a time praying, "O God, if there is a God, I promise to act upon whatever I find in this book to be true. Show me whether Jesus Christ is Your Son or not, and if You show me that He is, I promise to accept Him as my Savior and confess Him before the world." Torrey said, "If a man is not an honest skeptic, this course of treatment will reveal the fact, and you can tell him that the difficulty is not with his skepticism, but with his rebellious and wicked heart." [ibid., p. 120] He shared the story of "a thorough-going agnostic" who followed this course. "Some weeks after I met the man again; his doubts were all gone.... He had put himself in a way to find out the truth of God, and God made it known to him." [ibid., p. 121-122]

Our God is so good that He not only blesses those with weak faith, but reaches out to those with no faith, if they are willing.

"When we first will to follow--first attempt obedience--God becomes not just some vague force, but very personal. Our idea of Him changes. Then, as He points to the deeps of our person- alities...that we are not in touch with, our idea about ourselves changes. We find that we do not know ourselves very well. Herein is both the identity crisis and its cure. As we will to be in Him, He gathers together the scattered parts of ourselves we have been separated from." [Leanne Payne, The Broken Image, p. 138]

Romans 10:17

"I prayed for faith and thought that some day faith would come down and strike me like lightening. But faith did not seem to come. One day I read in the tenth chapter of Romans, 'Now faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.' I had closed my Bible and prayed for faith. I now opened my Bible and began to study, and faith has been growing ever since." [D. L. Moody, Thoughts From My Library, p. 258]

Personal Response

4. Does God love me?

Jeremiah 31:3

"I have become convinced that the simple affirmation 'God is love' really is the key to every- thing. If we can live this truth, and not just recite it or print it on wall hangings, we may find both the power to combat evil and a place of rest and refuge in the midst of the struggle." [Mark Lloyd Taylor and Carmen Renee Berry, Loving Yourself as Your Neighbor, p. 4]

"Years of experience have taught me that regardless of how much correct doctrine Christians may know, until they have a picture and a felt sense that God is truly good and gracious, there can be no lasting spiritual victory in their lives." [David Seamands, Healing of Memories, p. 95-96]

John 3:16,17

"The love of God that is the source of the atonement is the love of God the Father specifi- cally.... The love of Christ is not in its biblical perspective unless we perceive that it is love constrained by and exercised in fulfillment of the Father's will...flowing from...(the Father's) invincible love. We must be captivated by the Father's love." [John Murray, Collected Writ- ings II, p. 144]

"Who delivered up Jesus to die? Not Judas, for money; not Pilate, for fear; not the Jews for envy;--but the Father, for love!" [Octavius Winslow, No Condemnation in Christ Jesus, p. 361]

Romans 5:8

"The love of a holy God to sinners is the most mysterious attribute of the divine nature. The manifestation of this attribute for the admiration and beatification of all intelligent creatures, is declared to be the special design of redemption." [Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology I, p. 427]

"...God's love, expressed through His people, and woven into our lives by His Spirit and His Word can, over a period of time, bring healing even to our deepest wounds..." [Robert McGee, The Search for Significance, p. 8]

Ephesians 2:4,5

"I am convinced that the basic cause of some of the most disturbing emotional/spiritual problems which trouble evangelical Christians is the failure to receive and live out God's unconditional grace, and the corresponding failure to offer that grace to others." [David Seamands, Freedom from the Performance Trap, p. 14]

I John 4:9,10

The room in which you study is full of radio programs. Though stations all around beam them at you constantly, you cannot hear them unless you have your radio on. God too is beaming His love to you, but, for the message to get through, there must be a receiver as well as a sender. If you have wondered whether God loves you, consider these words of Christ.

Revelation 3:20

"God's hands are not fists...but hands that bear the scars of love..." [Mark Lloyd Taylor and Carmen Renee Berry, Loving Yourself as Your Neighbor, p. 98]

Personal Response

5. Will God forgive me?

Psalm 130:3,4

"Christ didn't...love and die for...righteous people... If He had, we would all be in trouble! ...He came to...die for the unrighteous, the inconsiderate,...the selfish. As we grow in our understanding of His love...and continue to grasp that He has rescued us from the...condemna- tion we deserve..., we will gradually become more patient and kind to others when they fail." [Robert McGee, The Search for Significance, p. 86]

Isaiah 43:25

Debbie Dortzbach, a missionary to Ethopia, was held in captivity by some of those she came to serve. During that time she wrote:

"Thank You God that though

I have only dirty water

To wash in==

You have reminded me

As I look at the earth below me

That my heart is washed pure==

White as this glistening marble rock

Beneath my feet.

I am clean in the

Righteousness of Jesus!"

[Karl and Debbie Dortzbach, Kidnapped, p. 71]

Isaiah 53:5,6

"I often use a simple illustration in making the meaning of the verse plain. I let my right hand represent the inquirer, my left hand represent Christ, and my Bible represent the inquirer's sin. I first lay the Bible on my right hand and say, 'Now where is your sin?' The inquirer replies of course, 'On me.' I then repeat the last half of the verse, 'the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all,' and transfer the Bible from my right hand to my left, and ask, 'Where is your sin now?' The inquirer replies, 'On Him, of course.' I then ask, 'Is it on you any longer?' and he says, 'No, on Christ.'" [R. A. Torrey, How To Work for Christ, p. 33-34]

"Through the Cross, our sin is judged, yet sinful men and women are forgiven...because God has judged that sin in Jesus Christ instead of in us.... That is why the Cross is the 'trysting place, where Heaven's love and Heaven's justice meet.'" [Sinclair B. Ferguson, A Heart for God, p. 108]

Micah 7:18,19

"It is mercy to feed us, rich mercy to pardon us." [Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, p. 71]

"Where God removes the guilt, he breaks the power of sin.... With pardoning love God gives subduing grace." [idem.]

Matthew 26:28

"It is a folly to think that an emperor's revenue will not pay a beggar's debt... We have many sins, but God hath many mercies..." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 481]

Luke 23:33,34

"His own racking agony...did not make Him forget others. The first of His seven sayings on the cross was a prayer for the souls of His murderers.... Let us see in our Lord's intercession for those who crucified Him, one more proof of Christ's infinite love to sinners.... None are too wicked for Him to care for. None are too far gone in sin for His almighty heart to take interest about their souls. He wept over unbelieving Jerusalem. He heard the prayer of the dying thief. He stopped under the tree to call the publican Zacchaeus. He came down from heaven to turn the heart of the persecutor Saul.... Love like this is a love that passeth knowledge. The vilest of sinners have no cause to be afraid of applying to a Savior like this." [J. C. Ryle, "Luke," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels II, p. 463-464]

Hebrews 8:12

There are many ways to "express what we mean by forgiveness.... A small tribe in southern Mexico says that 'God loses our sins in his heart.' Because God has such a large heart, when he forgives us, our sins are simply lost in his great love." [Richard De Ridder, Today: The Family Altar, May 16, 1986)]

"I. The compassion of Christ inclines Him to save sinners.

II. The power of Christ enables Him to save sinners.

III. The promises of Christ bind Him to save sinners."

[D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 209]

Personal Response

6. Will God accept me?

John 1:12

"There may be days when I don't feel like God is my Father. But that doesn't change the truth one iota. On those occasions, I can either believe my inner impressions and feed the self-pity that attends my imaginary state of orphanhood; or I can refute my initial feelings with the truth, and bring my attitudes into alignment with the reality that my heavenly Father is actively involved in my life. His love promotes my highest good; His wisdom determines how to achieve it; and His power accomplishes what His love and wisdom have ordained." [Garry Friesen with J. Robin Maxson, Decision Making and the Will of God, p. 251-252]

John 6:37

"The final truth about life is that we are unconditionally, eternally accepted by God, not because of what we have done but simply because God is love." [David Lloyd Taylor and Carmen Renee Berry, Loving Yourself as Your Neighbor, p. 88]

Romans 3:24-26

The words you have just copied have been called "possibly the most important single paragraph ever written..." [Leon Morris, The Epistle to the Romans, p. 173] If some of the terms are unfamiliar to you, these definitions will help.

JUSTIFIED: "The biblical meaning of 'justify'...is to pronounce, accept, and treat as just, i.e., as on the one hand, not penally liable, and, on the other, entitled to all the privileges due to those who have kept the law.... Paul proclaims the present justification of sinners by grace through faith in Jesus Christ, apart from all works and despite all demerit (Rom. 3:21ff.).... The law has not been altered, or suspended, or flouted for their justification, but fulfilled--by Jesus Christ acting in their name. By perfectly serving God, Christ perfectly kept the law (cf. Matt. 3:15). His obedience culminated in death (Phil. 2:8); he bore the penalty of the law in men's place (Gal. 3:13), to make propitiation for their sins (Rom. 3:25). On the ground of Christ's obedience, God does not impute sin, but imputes righteousness, to sinners who believe (Rom. 4:2-8; 5:19)." [J. I. Packer, "Justification," Evangelical Dictionary of Theology p. 593-596]

GRACE: "...God's spontaneous, unmerited favor in action, his freely bestowed lovingkindness in operation, bestowing salvation upon guilt-laden sinners who turn to him for refuge. We think of the Judge who not only remits the penalty but also cancels the guilt of the offender and even adopts him as his own son." [William Hendriksen, "Exposition of Paul's Epistle to the Romans," New Testament Commentary I, (p. 48]

REDEMPTION: "...has its origin in the release of prisoners of war on payment of a price (the 'ransom'). It was extended to include the freeing of slaves, again by the payment of a price. Among the Hebrews it could be used for release of a prisoner under sentence of death (Exod. 21:29-30), once more by the payment of a price." [Leon Morris, The Epistle to the Romans, p. 179]

PROPITIATION or "reconciling sacrifice" or "expiation" "means that Christ has satisfied the holy wrath of God through His payment for sin. There was only one reason for Him to do this: He loves us; infinitely, eternally, unconditionally, irrevocably..." [Robert McGee, The Search for Significance, p. 98] This means, if we trust in Christ, there is no more wrath for us!

I Peter 3:18

"...He hung upon the cross that we might sit upon the throne.... His crucifixion is our coronation." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 174]

I John 1:3,4

"Reconciliation to God comes through God's forgiveness of that by which we have been estranged from God; and of all experiences in the religion of sinful men, it is the most deeply felt and far reaching. ...Every one who knows what it is to be forgiven, knows also that forgiveness is the greatest regenerative force in the life of man." [James Denney, The Christian Doctrine of Reconciliation, p. 6]

To sense the power which comes from taking the truth of this step to yourself, consider this letter we received: "Dear Sirs: I just got done reading...Homosexuality: An Open Door? for the umpteenth time. I can't believe it. For so long as a Christian I thought God was so against me. Like I was doomed before I began. Now it's like God is right there in the mud with me, helping me, and saying, 'No matter what happens Me and you are going through this together and I'm not ever going to leave you.' I don't know what to say. Thank you for the book, really. Please add me to your mailing list and send me a list of materials you have. This is like so wild. I can't believe Jesus is really setting me free! Wow!"

Personal Response

7. Will God love, forgive, and accept me in spite of all I am and have done?

Isaiah 1:18

"The greatest sinners, if they truly repent, shall have their sins forgiven... Though our sins have been as scarlet and crimson, a deep dye, a double dye, first in the wool of original corruption and afterwards in the many threads of actual transgression--though we have been often dipped, by our many backslidings, into sin, and though we have lain long soaking in it,...yet pardoning mercy will thoroughly discharge the stain, and...we shall be clean." [Matthew Henry, Commen- tary on the Whole Bible IV, p. 9]

Isaiah 44:22

"God is the sum of all patience and the essence of kindly good will. We please Him most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections, and believing that He understands everything and loves us still." [A. W. Tozer, The Root of the Righteous, p. 15]

Luke 15:2

"The door of mercy does not stand on the jar, it is wide open." [C. H. Spurgeon, The New Park Street Pulpit V, (1859), p. 288]

"If Christ had declined to associate with sinners, He would have had a lonely time on earth." [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 130]

Luke 19:10

"He was just a little boy, and he couldn't understand the punishment. The punishment was nec- essary that he might learn some important lessons and grow to be a man who would know right from wrong. But he couldn't comprehend all that. All he knew was that his father had sent him to his room without supper--and he was hungry. He thought his father cared for him less than the father's words seemed to suggest. After all, if his father really loved him, he would have allowed him to have his supper. Then the door opened, and his father came in and sat on the bed. 'Son,' he said, 'I know you don't understand now, but some day you will. Some day you will be glad that I loved you enough to train you properly. But I wanted you to know that I didn't eat supper tonight either, and I'm going to spend the night with you, and we will be hungry together.' The boy was still hungry, of course, but it somehow helped to fall asleep in the arms of his father--a father who had identified with his hunger. That is what God has done." [Stephen Brown, If God Is in Charge, p. 51]

Romans 5:10

"Being angry at God is never helpful.... It is far better to direct your anger at the real source of your hurt than to project it at God, which cuts you off from the very power you need to deal with your hurt. Fortunately, God understands when we vent our anger on him. He knows our minds play tricks on us.... So there is no penalty for feeling this anger or for even expressing it. But recovery requires that you pull your angry feelings back from God as soon as you possibly can and attach them to their real source." [Archibald Hart, Healing Adult Children of Divorce, p. 165-166]

"What ups and downs we experience because we build not on faith but on feeling, not on the finished work of Christ but on our own work and endeavor and experience.... Let us get down to the cross, to the broken heart of our God, down to the propitiation for our sins..." [Oswald Chambers, The Love of God, p. 18]

I Timothy 1:15

"Memorize this...: I have great worth apart from my performance because Christ gave His life for me, and...imparted great value to me. I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, totally forgiven, accepted, and complete in Christ." [Robert McGee, The Search for Significance, p. 61]

I John 1:7

God, having made and blessed us, has a right to expect that we will love Him above all. But have we not often ignored and even defied Him? And yet He loves us still with an incredible love!

Because of our rebellion, we deserve to be cast off forever. Instead, God loves us so much that He gave His Son to live a sinless life in our place and die on the cross for our sins. In Christ, a holy God can fully accept us with all our weaknesses and failures.

Christ rose from the dead. If you have never asked Him into your life, He stands at the door of your heart seeking admittance. He says, "I love you and long that we may be close. I want to forgive your sins. I'm ready to stand with you in all the struggles of life and will help you become all that God intends you to be. Come, share heaven with me forever.

What will you do with Jesus? Why not ask Him into your life right now? You might pray like this: "Lord Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for my sin. I need your forgiveness. Come into my heart. I receive your pardon. I give you my life. Thank you for not condemning me. Thank you for loving, forgiving, and accepting me."

Personal Response

8. Since God loves me, need I worry or fear?

Psalm 23:4

Many of us used sexual activity to deaden emotional pain. When life's difficulties seemed too much for us, we turned to sex much like an addict turns to drugs. As we break this pattern, we may begin to have strong, uncomfortable, even frightening feelings as our emotional numbness wears off. We must resist the temptation to draw back and instead reach out to God and His people to help us through our difficult periods.

Psalm 50:15

"We can only conquer doubts by looking steadily to Him and by not looking at them." [D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones,Spiritual Depression, p. 158]

Psalm 55:22

"We are safer with Him in the dark than without Him in the sunshine." [Theodore L. Cuyler, God's Light on Dark Clouds, p. 50]

"He never promises us smooth paths, but He does promise safe ones." [ibid., p. 75]

Matthew 6:34

When we are feeling emotional pain or undergoing strong temptation, we may begin to wonder how we can go on for the rest of our lives without acting out. Discouragement and depression can lead to defeat. At such times we need to remind ourselves that Christ taught us to live "one day at a time." To get through life's troubles we must focus on the present--the moment at hand, the day in progress--leaving tomorrow's struggles for tomorrow.

Philippians 1:27

We would question the sanity of the greatest football player in history if he tried to play alone against the poorest of teams. Yet we often withdraw from others who are willing to help and isolate ourselves when we are having trouble.

God never intended for us to fight our battles alone. He teaches us to reach out to Him and to His people for help. We must not struggle alone, but strive "together for the faith of the gospel".

Philippians 4:6,7

"Faith is the cure of care." [Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, p. 179]

Personal Response

9. Will God be with me when I am tried and tempted?

Psalm 27:14

Dr Earl Wilson writes, "I firmly believe that deliverance from sexual obsession cannot take place apart from God's help. I am not, however, suggesting that God is a pill which can be taken as a magical cure. Deliverance is closely coupled with obedience and a willingness to make hard choices....(which) may have to be made over and over again until the old behavior patterns are replaced by new sane habits. In this we all need God's enablement. He wants our cooperation." [Sexual Sanity, p. 82]

Isaiah 41:10

Great Britain's hopes for a medal in the men's 400-meter race in the 1992 Summer Olympics "were dashed when on the far turn of the semifinal race," Derek Redmond "pulled up lame, apparently with a torn muscle.... He stood there in agony, now out of competition but determined somehow to...finish the race. As he attempted to hobble toward the finish line, he seemed to reach the end of his strength with about one hundred meters...to go. At...that moment, a man from the stands ran up behind Derek, grabbed him around the waist, and began to...help him... It was his father, Jim Redmond. As Derek realized who was holding him up and helping to propel him forward, his startled expression became a look of relief, and he was overcome with emotion. He grabbed his father around the neck, hugging him and crying as they moved together toward the finish line. With the crowd roaring their support for the two men, Derek finished the race.... We have such a Father." [Chap Clark, The Performance Illusion, p. 79-80]

Matthew 26:41

Trusting God does not mean that we have no responsibility for our own well-being. If we are to recover, we must participate in our healing and in maintaining good emotional/spiritual health. "He who would eat the fruit must climb the tree." [Scottish proverb in Leadership, p. 105]

Jim West of the Betty Ford Center "says that every recovering alcoholic must always be aware of the possibility of a relapse into drinking, because our personality traits are like 'a snake who lies back in a dark corner of the mind and who, every now and then, maybe every three or four years, will open one eye to see if the alcoholic is still on guard.'... Eternal vigilance is the price of sobriety." [Betty Ford with Chris Chase, Betty: A Glad Awakening, p. 169-170]

Romans 13:14

If we want to stand, we must avoid situations which can lead to a fall. Alcoholics Anonymous has a wise saying: "If you don't want to slip, stay away from slippery places and slippery people." When we have no choice, we need to prepare in advance for the battle. Our greatest safeguard against temptation is prayer. It is also good to tell a friend of our danger and ask him or her to check with us periodically to see if we are having trouble. Remember, "If you fail to plan, you're planning to fail."

"There is no trap so deadly as the trap you set for yourself." [The Midnight Raymond Chand- ler, p. 490]

I Corinthians 10:13

"...Often people....say, 'I couldn't help myself.' What most people mean when they say that is 'I didn't help myself.'" [Mildred Newman, Bernard Berkowitz, and Jean Owen, How To Be Your Own Best Friend, p. 11]

"Some people stumble into sin; some fall; some play around on the edges until they fall in; and others jump." [Ed Hurst with Dave and Neta Jackson, Overcoming Homosexuality, p. 86]

We can only stand firm as long as we remember our helplessness (Step 1) and our Helper (Step 2). When we become self-satisfied and/or self-confident rather than watchful and God-confident, we are ripe for a fall.

Hebrews 4:15,16

"The Lord direct your heart into the love of God!--just as it is, hard, cold, fickle, sinful, sad and sorrowful. Christ's love touching your hard heart, will dissolve it; touching your cold heart, will warm it; touching your sinful heart, will purify it; touching your sorrowful heart, will soothe it; touching your wandering heart, will draw it back to Jesus. Only bring your heart to Christ's love. Believe in its existence, its reality, its fullness, and its freeness. Believe that He loves you..." [Octavius Winslow, The Sympathy of Christ, p. 165]

Personal Response

10. Will God forgive me if I fall?

Psalm 37:23,24

We all have differing struggles and recover on different schedules. Some of us are acting out. All have problems with thoughts. Some are out of control. Others gain and lose command of themselves several times as they work the Steps. Recovery begins for some with a certain Step while it may not come for others until all the Steps have been worked. Healing may be sudden or gradual. We are all unique.

We must be patient with ourselves and each other and trust God to heal us in the way best for each one. In all our struggle, we must not allow guilt, pain, confusion, or despair to overwhelm and isolate us from God or others. If we turn to God, He will forgive us. He will not abandon us, but will stand with us in all our battles till freedom is ours!

Proverbs 28:13

"We're told to hate the sin and love the sinner, but we're too apt to twist it around the other way. We hate the sinner in us and cling to the sin. Don't glorify your lapses. Just try to understand why they happened and steer yourself back on the right track." [Mildred Newman, Bernard Berkowitz, and Jean Owen, How To Be Your Own Best Friend, p. 56]

"As you go through life, brother

Whatever be your goal,

Keep your eye upon the doughnut

And not upon the hole."

[Mayflower Coffee Shop slogan in Leadership, p. 100]

Romans 8:33,34

"Moses was a murderer, but God forgave him and used him to deliver Israel from Egypt. David was an adulterer and a murderer, but God forgave him and made him a great king. Peter denied the Lord, but God forgave him, and Peter became a leader in the Church. God rejoices when His children learn to accept His forgiveness, pick themselves up, and walk after they have stumbled." [Robert McGee, The Search for Significance, p. 88-89]

"I have written in the back of my Bible, 'You wouldn't be so shocked at your own sin if you didn't have such a high opinion of yourself.'" [Stephen Brown, No More Mr. Nice Guy!, p. 108]

I John 1:9

"The devil has two false glasses, which he sets before men's eyes; the one is a little glass, in which the sin appears so small that it can hardly be seen, which the devil sets before men's eyes when they are going to commit sin; the other is a great magnifying glass, wherein sin appears so big that it cannot be forgiven, which the devil sets before men's eyes when they have sinned." [Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, p. 88]

"Many Christians who struggle with sexual temptation have experienced repeated failures that have deeply affected their relationship with God. It is hard to go back to God again and again when we are so painfully aware of our failures. Satan wants us to feel unworthy so we will not go back to God. He makes us forget that God is longsuffering and always willing to forgive." [Earl Wilson, Sexual Sanity, p. 108] "Many Christians...have trouble...because they hope that once forgiven they will not repeat the sin. I...know that often when I try the hardest I fail. As a believer I am responsible to...bring my sin to God, whether it is a repeated sin, or not.... If ...I spend all my time loathing my habit, I am doing nothing more than insuring...it will con- tinue. I need to focus on Christ, not sin." [ibid., p. 109] "...The worst thing we can do if we want to stop a habit is to focus on it.... Don't waste time thinking about how not to think about it.... Focus on Christ..." [ibid., p. 110] "When we fix our eyes on Jesus, we see victory.... When we fix our eyes on our recurring sin, we...see only defeat and will become ashamed to look at Jesus. We don't need...hopelessness. We need to get our attention back on the source of hope." [ibid., p. 111] "If your obsession is strong, you might need to confess your sin and receive forgiveness a hundred times a day. But it is not futile. It is a process." [ibid., p. 117]

Personal Response

11. How does one react when experiencing God's love?

Psalm 40:1-3

"Till you know the depth of the pit into which you have fallen, you will never properly praise the hand which raises you out of it." [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 70]

"In prayer we act like men; in praise we act like angels." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 15]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 2

Step 2 was not easy for me. It was difficult to believe that God accepted me when my conscience condemned me. I felt that the Scriptures which spoke of judgment all applied to me, and that those which spoke of mercy were for others. My experiences in life had taught me that people only love you as long as you please them. Did God love me in spite of all? Seeing family and friends turn away made it difficult to believe that God's arms were open to receive me. Since I was so depressed that I no longer cared what happened to me, is it any wonder that I doubted God's love and care?

The Holy Spirit helped me see that the Scriptures which speak of judgment are directed at the stiff-necked sinner, not at the one who is struggling with sin; at the defiant, not at the defeated. He showed me that God's promises of mercy are to all who trust in Christ and challenged me to accept them in simple faith. The more I beheld Jesus in the Word, the more my fears sub- sided, and, in their place, peace and joy began to blossom. There were some old friends who did not desert me. There were new friends who, knowing all, still loved and accepted me. These provided tangible proof of God's love. So, I came to believe.

Yet Step 2 is still not easy for me. My father, a good, able man, had dreams for me I could not fulfill. I always felt I was a disappointment to him. So I constantly hear in my mind, "That's not good enough. You don't measure up. I'm not pleased." When I do not consciously resist these thoughts by faith, I sense a pulling away from God evidenced by a reluctance to pray and study the Bible. Worship becomes a drudgery and thoughts of God distasteful. Only as I make a conscious effort to claim by faith the blood of Christ which cleanses from all sin and the righteousness of Christ which makes me completely acceptable to God does the sense of condem- nation dissipate and a sense of thanksgiving to God for His unspeakable gift move me to draw near to Him.

Is it worth all the work? It sure is! As I claim the truth that God is for me in every circum- stance because of the blood and righteousness of my Savior, solid peace and joy drive away the old depressions which were so crippling. As I accept the truth that God will never abandon me because Christ has endured all the wrath I deserve, I know I am never alone when temptation strikes. God is right there in the midst of the battle with me, not condemning me, but loving me, forgiving me, accepting me, counting me righteous in His Son, holding my hand, and sus- taining me as He and I walk out of this together. He promises to stand with me in the heat of battle and in the depths of despair, so nothing need overwhelm me. My past is forgiven, my present is secure, and my future is certain. What can I render to God for going to such lengths to save me and call me His friend?

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 2

1) In your journal, write out as many examples as you can recall of your tendency to doubt the motives of people (especially your parents) when they were thoughtful and kind to you. Then write examples of whining, complaining, and detachment from God which reveal your doubt of His love and acceptance. Discuss what you have found with your step coach.

2) Read aloud Psalm 23 every morning when you awake and every evening before you go to sleep, praising God for the truth of His love to you despite your shortcomings and failures.

3) Listen to the tape Loved At Last! listed under "STEP 2" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read the brochure Homosexuality and the People of God listed under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read the material in Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 3 while continuing to work in your workbook. Journal what you learn and share your findings with your step coach.

4) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

STEP 3

We learned to see purpose in our suffering,

that our failed lives were under God's control,

who is able to bring good out of trouble.

In Step 1 we faced our powerlessness. In Step 2 we saw "that power belongeth unto God" (Psalm 62:11) who "giveth power to...them that have no might..." (Isaiah 40:29); and, as we came to believe in His love and grace, we found "joy and peace in believing" (Romans 15:13).

With Step 3, our new found or newly revived faith in the love of God enables us to begin to attack the roots of our homosexual struggle. Many of us felt we were victims--victims of life, victims of parents. And it may have been true! But if we stop there and see no thread of grace running through our sufferings, we end up being victims who have no hope.

Whatever may have happened when we were young, we are children no longer and must accept responsibility for our current actions. With God's help, we can change. As long as we blame others or circumstances over which we have no control for our situation, we will feel trapped, unable to do anything to change our lives. Bitterness and suspicion will lead us to develop an ever more distrustful attitude toward others and we will put up walls to keep them far away emotionally so that they cannot hurt us. Loneliness will drive us to seek sexual encounters which are a futile substitute for the love we need but from which we have cut ourselves off. Resentment may even poison our relationship with God as we angrily ask, "Why me?"

Dr. Gerard van den Aardweg, a Dutch psychologist with over twenty years experience in treat- ing homosexuality, identifies "self-pity as perhaps one of the prime causes of homosexuality..." [On the Origins and Treatment of Homosexuality, p. xv] If we would find freedom from homo- sexuality, we must undermine our feelings of being a victim and of self-pity. To do so we must see God not only as our loving Father (Step 2), but also as our Sovereign Lord (Step 3) whose almighty grace can bring blessing out of all that we have suffered.

1. Since sin has come into the world, is life difficult for everyone?

Genesis 3:17-19

Sin always brings sorrow. It has been so from the first. "The whole earth partakes of the punishment, which the sin of man, its head and destined ruler, has called down.... Death reigns. Instead of the blessed soil of Paradise, Adam and his offspring have to till the ground now condemned to bear thorns and thistles, and this is not to end, until man returns to the earth from which he was taken." [E. Harold Browne, "Genesis," The Bible Commentary I, p. 46]

Job 14:1

"Everybody out there is hurting. And if you don't know that, you're either very naive and believe in people's facades, or so thick-skinned that you don't hurt yourself and don't feel other people's hurts either." [Peter Kreeft, Making Sense Out of Suffering, p. 10]

"My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn." [Louis Adamic in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 304]

Ecclesiastes 1:2

When Ernie Pyle, famed World War II correspondent, learned of the death of his mother, he wrote these poignant words: "It seems to me that life is futile and death the final indignity. People live and suffer and grow bent with yearning, bowed with disappointment, and then they die. And what is it all for? I do not know." [in Robert A. Williams, Journey Through Grief, p. 85]

Ecclesiastes 2:22,23

"There will be no major solution to the suffering of mankind until we reach some understanding of who we are, what the purpose of creation was, what happens after death. Until these ques- tions are resolved we are caught." [Woody Allen in R. Scott Richards, Myths the World Taught Me, p. 23]

Romans 8:22

"Is not disease the rule of existence? There is not a lily pad floating on the river that has not been riddled by insects. Almost every shrub and tree has its gall, oftentimes esteemed its chief ornament and scarcely to be distinguished from the fruit. If misery loves company, misery has company enough. Now, at midsummer, find me a perfect leaf or fruit." [Thoreau, Journal, 1851, The Oxford Book of Aphorisms, p. 326]

"Life is not just a struggle for you; it's a struggle for everyone, and no one meets all of life's challenges flawlessly." [Ralph Earle and Gregory Crow, Lonely All the Time, p. 255]

Personal Response

2. Is God in control of whatever happens?

There is some comfort in the realization that we are not alone in our suffering, but this is not enough to break the bands that bind us unless we also know that we are not subject to the power of impersonal fate or blind chance, but are in the hands of our loving Father in heaven.

I Chronicles 29:11,12

"One adequate support

For the calamities of mortal life

Exists, one only;--an assured belief

That the procession of our fate, howe'er

Sad or distrub'd, is order'd by a Being

Of infinite benevolence and power,

Whose everlasting purposes embrace

All accidents, converting them to good." [William Wordsworth]

Isaiah 46:9,10

"'What is history,' cried Cromwell, 'but God's unfolding of Himself?'" [James S. Stewart, Heralds of God, p. 12]

Daniel 4:34,35

"The great ones of this world--from Nebuchadnezzar to Mao Tse-tung--who lull themselves with the illusion that men create history...cannot spoil God's plans, but instead they form an unwitting part of his plans and must serve his purposes unconsciously and unwillingly.... The tender mercy of God rings out like a bell over our dark world. And this theme sets itself against the riddles of our fate and against all human powers who rebel against it and pretend to be the lords of this world." [Helmut Thielicke in Stephen Brown, If God Is in Charge, p. vii]

Matthew 10:29,30

There are really only two ways of looking at the painful side of life. "Some say that...to the gods we are like the flies that the boys kill on a summer day, and some say, on the contrary, that the very sparrows do not lose a feather that has not been brushed away by the finger of God." [Thornton Wilder, The Bridge of San Luis Rey, p. 23]

Ephesians 1:11,12

"God is never in a panic, nothing can be done that He is not absolute Master of, and no one in earth or heaven can shut a door He has opened, nor open a door He has shut. God alters the inevitable when we get in touch with Him." [Oswald Chambers, If Thou Wilt Be Perfect, p. 127]

Personal Response

3. Where does sin come from?

Mark 7:21-23

"Chesterton says...that the great problem of philosophy is why little Tommy loves to torture the cat.... Malcolm Muggeridge says that...original sin, the most unpopular of all Christian dogmas, is the only one you can prove by the daily newspaper." [Peter Kreeft, Making Sense Out of Suffering, p. 42-43]

John 8:42-45

"Sin....has the devil for its father, shame for its companion, and death for its wages." [Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, p. 209]

Romans 8:7,8

"If God lived on earth, people would break his windows." [Yiddish Proverb in The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 325]

"Bendetti, a Franciscan monk, author of 'Stabat Mater,' one day was found weeping, and when asked the reason of his tears, replied, 'I weep because Love goes about unloved.'" [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 79]

Ephesians 2:1-3

"All three evils, sin and death and suffering, are from us, not from God; from our misuse of our free will, from our disobedience. We started it!" [Peter Kreeft, Making Sense Out of Suffering, p. 107] "We are sinners. Our world is a battlefield strewn with broken treaties, broken families, broken promises, broken lives, and broken hearts. We are good stuff gone bad, a defaced masterpiece, a rebellious child." [ibid., p. 116]

Personal Response

4. Can God overrule sin?

Joseph's brothers were jealous of him, hated him, plotted to murder him, sold him into slavery, told his father he was dead, and abandoned him to his fate. God however made him second to Pharaoh over Egypt and used him to save his family from starvation. His brothers feared that he would take vengeance on them. He gave one reason why he would not do so in these words:

Genesis 50:20

"What his brothers did was genuinely significant--and hurt Joseph deeply. But Joseph had eyes to see that God was also at work, and that His purposes had been fulfilled not just in spite of his brothers, but even through their actions!" [Sinclair B. Ferguson, A Heart for God, p. 135]

Acts 2:22-24

The fact that Peter says Christ was "delivered by the determinate counsel and foreknowledge of God" shows that "it has now become the habit of the Apostle's mind to trace the working of a divine purpose, which men, even when they are most bent on thwarting it, are unconsciously fulfilling. In chap. i.16, he had seen that purpose in the treachery of Judas; he sees it now in the malignant injustice of priests and people." [E. H. Plumptre, "The Acts of the Apostles," Ellicott's Commentary on the Whole Bible VII p. 11]

"The wicked's intense rage carries on God's decree against their wills; for while they sit back- ward to his command, they row forward to his decree." [John Trapp, A Commentary or Expos- ition Upon All the Books of the New Testament, p. 425]

"Neither God's designing it from eternity, nor his bringing good out of it to eternity, would in the least excuse their sin; for it was their voluntary act and deed, from a principle morally evil, and therefore 'they were wicked hands with which you have crucified and slain him.'" [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible VI, p. 22]

Acts 3:13-15

"The sentence which Jesus' human judges passed upon Him and His human executioners carried out has been reversed, Peter asserts, by a higher court. They put Him to death, but God raised Him up..." [F. F. Bruce, "Commentary on the Book of the Acts," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 70-71]

Acts 3:26

The greatest tragedy in the world, the death of Christ, is also the greatest blessing in the world! It is the way sinners are saved! God can turn the worst into the best!

"Let us be content that God should rule the world; learn to acquiesce in His will, and submit to His providence." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 125]

Personal Response

5. Does God love me?

Psalm 86:15

A woman who had lived her life totally without reference to God was told by a doctor that her daughter, who had been injured in an automobile accident, would probably never come out of the coma and could quite possibly remain a "vegetable" the rest of her life. The woman said, "I walked out of the hospital and across the street to a bar and got totally zonkered. Then I got into my car and drove home, weeping the whole way. When I got in my driveway, I turned off the engine and began to curse God. I used every bit of vile language I knew, and I knew a lot. After about a half hour I was totally drained. And in the silence I heard a voice...and the voice said, 'That is the first time you have ever spoken to Me, and I love you.'" [Stephen Brown, If God Is in Charge, p. 15]

Psalm 145:8,9

"The reason the mass of men fear God, and at bottom dislike Him, is because they rather dis- trust His heart, and fancy Him all brain like a watch." [Herman Melville quoted in Philip Yancey, Disappointment with God, p. 54]

Romans 8:38,39

"Jesus Christ reveals, not an embarrassed God, not a confused God, not a God who stands apart from the problems, but One who stands in the thick of the whole thing with man." [Oswald Chambers, Disciples Indeed, p. 12]

I John 3:16

"It is quite natural (but wrong) to think that we have to become worthy in order for God to accept us. This harmful perception keeps people from coming to Christ, for it leads them to believe that He died for some sinners but not others. Homosexuals and adulterers, along with all of us, must bask in the love of God; we all must be willing to open our lives to His grace... God does not turn His back on those who believe in His Son." [Erwin W. Lutzer, Coming to Grips with Homosexuality, p. 32]

I John 4:16

"How you view God determines the quality and style of your Christian experience. Many Christians spend much of their lives paralyzed because, although they have trusted Christ as Savior, they have never really seen what His sacrifice teaches us about the character of God. He gave His Son...because He loves us. He thereby proves His grace. Do you know...God, in this way?" [Sinclair Ferguson, A Heart for God, p. 102]

I John 4:19

"Let not any hard dealing make you mistake your Father's affection.... It is a bitter cup, but He is still my Father." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 32]

"The people of God have ground for cheerfulness. They are justified and adopted, and this creates...music within, whatever storms are without." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 14]

Personal Response

6. Does suffering have a purpose?

Romans 5:3,4

"God has many angels who do His errands and summon men to Him, says Archer Butler; but the angel that has gathered most to the Savior's feet is the angel of sorrow." [J. D. Jones, The Gospel According to St. Mark II, p. 102]

"Perhaps we suffer so inordinately because God loves us so inordinately and is taming us. Perhaps the reason why we are sharing in a suffering we do not understand is because we are the objects of a love we do not understand." [Peter Kreeft, Making Sense Out of Suffering, p. 78]

"Blessed is that hour of holy desperation when a man...moves out of the wreck of himself into Christ." [Vance Havner, Day By Day, p. 120]

II Corinthians 1:3,4

"I often feel very grateful to God that I have undergone fearful depression. I know the borders of despair and the horrible brink of that gulf of darkness into which my feet have almost gone. But hundreds of times I have been able to give a helpful grip to brethren and sisters who have come into that same condition, which grip I could never have given if I had not known their deep despondency. So I believe that the darkest and most dreadful experience of a child of God will help him...if he will but follow Christ." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXII, 1886, p. 344]

James 1:2-4

"Adversity introduces a man to himself." [Anonymous in Carl Hermann Voss, Quotations of Courage and Vision, p. 14]

"Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure." [William Saroyan in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 188]

"...I remembered one of my friends at Yale: a Christian who struggled heroically with his homo- sexual nature. He could never remember a time when he had been attracted to girls. He had found himself falling in love with males since childhood. He had never acted out his desires. He had done nothing to encourage them. He did not want to be homosexual. He would have given anything to change his pattern of sexual attraction, but he knew little of the Holy Spirit's power to do this. I was an atheist at the time. He made all of his agony into material for Christian witness, telling us why he could not deny his Savior by following his desires. I found his account of his struggles deeply moving. He is part of the reason I am a Christian today." [Richard Lovelace, "An Uncomfortable Issue," Charisma, (March 1985), p. 9]

Whenever I grow discouraged, I have evidence that I am doubting that God is in charge of my life, that He loves me, that He intends to do me good, and that He intends to bless others through me.

Personal Response

7. Can God bring good out of trouble?

Psalm 119:71

"Hurt often must come before healing." [Vance Havner, Day By Day, p. 145]

"...Trial is not only to approve, but to improve..." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 31]

"The tears of the godly are sweeter than the triumph of the wicked." [Thomas Watson, Sermons, p. 21]

Romans 8:28

"A devout Christian young man lamented that he just couldn't let go of bitterness he felt about certain mental wounds he had suffered years earlier. He could quote Scriptures about how he should forgive, but he still didn't feel forgiving. He had prayed repeatedly, 'Thank you God, for letting such-and-such happen in my life.' Still, he didn't feel thankful. Then he used the idea that one picture is worth a thousand words. He pictured the wrongs done to him as gashes cutting deeply into his body. Then he imagined himself to be a giant key, and those gashes took on new meaning. They became notches precisely machined along the edge of the key to make it uniquely useful. God could use him as a tool to fit locks that no other key could budge. The locks represented bitterness, fear, and discouragement in the minds of other people. Now he, the notched key, could understand them. The hurts in his life had made him useful to other people's lives. He wept and laughed as he visualized God's huge hands turning him, the key, in those locks and freeing others from their emotional prisons." [Dennis Gibson, The Strong-Willed Adult, p. 82-83]

II Corinthians 4:17

"Remember St. Teresa's bold saying that from heaven the most miserable earthly life will look like one bad night in an inconvenient hotel!" [Peter Kreeft, Making Sense Out of Suffering, p. 139]

"God weeps with us so that we may one day laugh with him." [Jurgen Moltmann quoted in Philip Yancey, Disappointment with God, p. 100]

Hebrews 12:11

"...The Creator has so fashioned this universe that the best can emerge from the worst. Where forest fires once raged, jack pines and birches now thrive. The stubborn cones of jack pine often remain tightly closed, withholding their seeds from the soil until fire forces them open. As a consequence, fire has given some jack pines their only chance to get started on the earth. White birch crave open places where they can get light and air for growth. Fire burns such openings into the forest and gives white birches their opportunity. During World War II ninety-five types of flowers and shrubs unknown for decades were found in London, in holes where nitrates from bursting and burning bombs had enriched the soil. Seeds of grain are freed to multiply in the soil when the wind has whipped them or the threshing machine has threshed them. The pearl in an oyster is formed when an irritant, such as a grain of sand, causes the oyster to secrete a soothing substance around the aggravation. The secretion becomes a jewel. A moth's wings are strengthened for flight when the creature struggles to get free of its imprisoning cocoon; no struggle, no strength. Nature is rife with trouble that ends in blessing. One of the big assurances that this created world offers us is that trouble can be made to serve high purposes." [Harold Kohn, Pathways to Understanding, p. 76]

Personal Response

8. Should God's children shun self-pity?

Numbers 14:26-30

"Self-pity is a fertile seed-bed, where homosexual temptation flourishes with deep roots which are not easy to pull up." [Alex Davidson, The Returns of Love, p. 55] "...The regrets and longing for something you don't or can't have may...flood suddenly in and swamp your emotions. Then with the longing comes the imagining, and then the accepting and relishing what you imagine, and then the sly search for fuel to feed these thoughts, and then maybe some attempt at realizing them in action..." [ibid., p. 53-54]

Philippians 2:14

"Why do we shrink from great waters--without them we cannot see great wonders. Shallow water Christians see but few wonders." [Gems From Bishop Taylor Smith's Bible, p. 31]

"If...we can recognize the pain that we must endure as wind in our sails, we will use the agony rather than curse it." [Robert A. Williams, Journey Through Grief, p. 54]

Philippians 4:11-13

"The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well." [H. T. Leslie in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 306]

"We may think that...severity is inconsistent with...God's...compassion. ...That is because we do not appreciate how seriously God loves us, and how determined He is that we should have His best, even if it means pain." [Sinclair B. Ferguson, A Heart for God, p. 141]

Jude 14-16

"Because sin deserves death and we are all sinners,...all our mercies are undeserved mercies. Any apparent unfairness in God's treatment of us arises not because some have too much punish- ment, but because some of us appear to have too little. None of us will ever receive harsher judgment than we deserve.... The marvel is, in the biblical view, not that men die for their sins, but that we remain alive in spite of them." [John W. Wenham, The Goodness of God, p. 70]

Personal Response

9. What should I then do?

Psalm 34:1

Why is it so easy to complain, so hard to rejoice? "Most of us can remember how...the scraped knee may have gotten us...attention from a...parent. The way our brain...operates may result in such close association of self-pity with the gratification of being cared for, that we may actually enjoy...self-pity. Some people...actually incur pain in order to have something about which to feel sorry for themselves.... Mature adults...try to rectify things that have gone wrong instead of...pitying themselves..." [Abraham Twerski, When Do the Good Things Start?, p. 20]

Psalm 46:1,2

"God has given us the dignity of choice, a free choice, to accept or reject a relationship with Him. Our choice will have real consequences. We can spend our lives walking with God or running from Him. We can invest our short time here blaming God or being healed by Him.... What will you choose?" [R. Scott Richards, Myths the World Taught Me, p. 44]

Psalm 107:15

"I believe the best definition of man is the ungrateful biped." [Feodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky in The Portable Curmudgeon, p. 189]

"I feel a very unusual sensation--if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude." [Benjamin Disraeli in ibid., p. 125]

Acts 16:22-25

"When God is at the center of things, worship inevitably follows. Where there is no spirit of worship, there God has been dethroned and displaced." [Sinclair B. Ferguson, A Heart for God, p. 150]

Ephesians 5:20

"Cultivation of a thankful spirit, even in the face of personal disappointment, is one of the most important goals a man can have. A person can be submissive in his behavior without being sub- missive in his heart.... Learning to be thankful in all...situations will really help to develop the kind of submission that is pleasing to the Lord. It doesn't come easily, but the Lord will help you if you ask Him." [Garry Friesen with J. Robin Maxson, Decision Making and the Will of God, p. 397]

I Thessalonians 5:18

The praise to which God's Word calls us is not a superficial barrage of words, but a deep sense of gratitude based on what God is like and what He has already done for us. As faith thinks on these things, true thanksgiving wells up within the soul. This is not always immediate, and faith may often be required to fight its way through a jungle of crippling doubts, negative feelings, and external problems until it has that clear vision of God and His grace which prompts true praise (see, for example, Psalm 13:1-6). When this true praise finally bursts forth, it creates altered states of mind. Guilt, fear, anger, self-pity, suspicion, resentment, and bitterness are all overthrown; and the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control which are the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22,23) begin to grow in their place.

Personal Response

10. How can I live this life of praise?

Psalm 9:9,10

Dr. John Claypool lost his young daughter to leukemia. As he watched his little girl suffer, he could see no reason for what was happening to her. He understood how a man could turn against God and at times was not far from doing so himself. But he did not succumb. Instead he found, "...If we are willing, the experience of grief can deepen and widen our ability to participate in life. We can become more grateful for the gifts we have been given, more open-handed in our handling of the events of life, more sensitive to the whole mysterious process of life, and more trusting in our adventure with God." [John Claypool, Tracks of a Fellow Struggler, p. 103]

Psalm 30:4,5

"In hours of pain and grief

We learn in Him unfaltering faith and trust,

Only because we will and not because we must."

[W. O. Carver, The Self-Interpretation of Jesus, p. 94]

Psalm 34:22

"Grace's worst is better than the world's best..." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 23]

Proverbs 30:5

"Two children were playing on a hillside, when they noticed the hour was nearing sunset, and one said wonderingly: 'See how far the sun has gone! A little while ago it was right over that tree, and now it is low down in the sky.' 'Only it isn't the sun that moves; it's the earth. You know, Father told us,' said the other. The first one shook his head. The sun did move, for he had seen it, and the earth did not move for he had been standing on it all the time. 'I know what I see,' he said triumphantly. 'And I believe Father,' said his brother. So mankind divides today--some accepting only what their senses reveal to them, the others believing the Word of God." [Walter B. Knight, Knight's Master Book of New Illustrations, p. 184]

Isaiah 26:3,4

"A grief accepted loses most of its power to sadden, and all its power to perturb. It is not outward calamities, but a rebellious will that troubles us." [Alexander Maclaren in Robert Williams, Journey Through Grief, p. 27]

"It is not miserable to be blind; it is miserable to be incapable of enduring blindness." [John Milton in Carl Hermann Voss, Quotations of Courage and Vision, p. 16]

Romans 8:35-37

W. R. Maltby wrote, "In the sermon on the mount, Jesus promised His disciples three things --that they would be entirely fearless, absurdly happy, and that they would get into trouble. They did get into trouble, and found, to their surprise, that they were not afraid. They were absurdly happy, for they laughed over their own troubles, and only cried over other peoples'." [in Leslie Weatherhead, Jesus and Ourselves, p. 253]

"Was His head crowned with thorns, and do we think to be crowned with roses?" [Thomas Watson, A Divine Cordial, p. 21]

Romans 15:13

"God is the Creator of the universe, and the comforter of the sorrowing." [Thomas Binney in Theodore L. Cuyler, Recollections of a Long Life: An Autobiography, p. 171]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 3

It is important to remember in times of temptation that homosexuality does bring suffering. I am still not fully immune to the siren songs of sin. There are times of intense loneliness when I hear the whisper, "I am your only chance for love. Yield or you will be forever alone." There are times when I hear the promise, "I can ease your pain and banish the hurt." Then it is vital to remember the pain homosexuality has caused me in the past that I may discern the lie it tells me now.

I need to remember how homosexuality took my self-respect and gave me guilt, took my honor and gave me shame, took my honesty and gave me a double life, took my gentleness and made me an angry man. I need to remember that it led me to betray my God, my wife, my children, my friends, all those who trusted me. I need to remember how it promised relief but gave only pain; promised love but gave only lust and loneliness. I need to remember how it robbed me of my reputation, my family, my friends, and almost destroyed my sanity and my life.

But it is also important to remember that God does bring good out of trouble. Otherwise sorrow will swallow me up and give fresh power to temptation. I need to remember that, just as physi- cal pain warns the body to get out of harm's way, so emotional pain is God's "early warning system" crying, "This is not the way. Walk ye not in it." By it He positions me for grace. Only those who labor and are heavy laden will come to Him for rest (Matthew 11:28-30). He does not delight in the pain or the sin which is its source. He does overrule so as to bring good out of all our troubles as we walk with Him.

This good, for me, has meant a new appreciation of God's love and grace, a new tenderness toward all who struggle with any sin, and the realization that the highway of holiness cannot be traveled alone. We must walk it in fellowship with, and by the help of, God's people. It has meant a new ministry with those who struggle with that which brought my pain and the joy of seeing them find hope and gain freedom. Out of my pain has come a closer walk with God, ever-increasing freedom, new strength and vulnerability, the ability to help others, and perhaps the beginnings of wisdom! These make it all worthwhile.

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 3

1) Write out all the ways you know homosexuality has caused you pain in your journal. Then write all the ways God has or can bring good out of these troubles. Share what you have written with your step coach and begin, by faith, to praise God for the blessings which are or will be yours.

2) Read aloud Psalm 103 every morning when you awake and every evening before you go to sleep, and praise God for His loving, gracious sovereignty over all that comes to you.

3) Listen to the tape Good? Out of this Mess? and read the brochure Turning Loss Into Profit listed under "STEP 3" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 4 while continuing to work in your workbook. Ask your step coach to recommend a good book from the "HA Book Ministry" list which he believes will help you with Steps 1-7 and begin reading it. Journal what you learn from all this and share your findings with your step coach.

4) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

STEP 4

We came to believe that God

had already broken the power of homosexuality

and that He could therefore restore our true personhood.

Step 1 shows us our helplessness. Steps 2 through 4 show us how to find our help in God.

Step 2 teaches us to reach out to God as our loving Father who loves, forgives, and accepts us in spite of all that we are and have done. Step 3 teaches us to see Him as our sovereign Lord who so controls our failed lives that there is purpose in our suffering and good can come from all our trouble. Step 4 encourages us to see God as our mighty Savior who "breaks the power of reigning sin and sets the captives free."

It is wonderful to know that God forgives our past and transforms its failures into blessing. But what about the present? Are we forever doomed to failure? Will sin always lord it over us? God forbid!

The Bible teaches that God not only takes care of our past, He transforms our present and assures our future. Scripture says that at the cross God smashed the iron doors which Satan had used to imprison us. God Himself has entered our dark cell and holds out His hand to us, encouraging us to walk with Him into the glorious light of freedom and change!

1. Who brought all sin and misery into the world?

II Corinthians 11:3

"You all know the father of sin, that is, the devil.... The devil is the father, lust the mother, consent the midwife, and custom the nurse; if consent bring it forth, custom will bring it up." [Thomas Adams, A Commentary on the Second Epistle General of St. Peter, p. 50]

Ephesians 6:12

"Satan and his legions are out to disable the body, deceive the mind, and discourage the spirit.... He attacks through morals, through the mind, through moods." [Vance Havner, Day By Day, p. 79]

I John 3:8

"We were samples of the devil's dirty work, but we are now trophies of God's handiwork." [Stanley C. Baldwin, What Makes You So Special?, p. 59]

"So human nature can be changed!--praise God!" [J. I, Packer, "The New Man," Understand- ing Bible Teaching, p. 6]

I Peter 5:8

"Do not let the Evil One persuade you that you can have any secrets from him." [Franz Kafka in Leadership, p. 119]

"John Calvin reminds us that though Satan may rage about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour, yet he has a bit in his mouth and it is God who holds the reins." [B. B. Warfield, Faith and Life, p. 27]

Revelation 12:9

While the devil is popularly depicted as a man with horns, tail, and pitchfork, masking the dreadful reality of evil, the Bible plainly exposes him. It uses many names to describe Satan because he is terribly complex and appears in many forms in real life.

"DEVIL = (Gr.) the accuser or slanderer (Job i.6-11, ii.1-7; Rev. xii.10). Heb. Satan means adversary....

"There is but one Devil, many 'demons'.... Peter when tempting Jesus to shun the cross did Satan's work, and therefore received Satan's name (Matt. xvi.23); so Judas is called a 'Devil' when acting the Devil's part (John vi.70). Satan's characteristic sins are lying (John viii.44; Gen. iii.4,5); malice and murder (I John iii.12; Gen. iv); pride, 'the condemnation of the Devil,' by which he 'lost his first estate' (I Tim. iii.6; Job xxxviii.15; Isa xiv. 12-15; John xii.31; xvi.11; 2 Pet. ii.4; Jude 6).

"He slanders God to man, and man to God (Gen. iii; Zech. iii). His misrepresentation of God as one arbitrary, selfish, and envious of His creature's happiness, a God to be slavishly feared lest He should hurt, rather than filially loved,....is refuted by God's not sparing His only begotten Son to save us. His slander of good men, as if serving God only for self's sake, is refuted by the case of 'those who lose (in will or deed) their life for Christ's sake.'

"Demons...are spirits who tremble before, but love not, God (Jas. ii.19), incite men to rebellion against Him (Rev. xvi.14). 'Evil spirits' (Acts xix.13,15) recognize Christ the Son of God (Matt. viii.29; Luke iv.41) as absolute Lord over them, and their future Judge; and even flee before exorcism in His name (Mark ix.38). As 'unclean' they can tempt man with unclean thoughts....

"Satan as Beelzebub (Matt. xii.24-30) is at the head of an organized kingdom of darkness, with its 'principalities and powers' to be 'wrestled' against by the children of light....

"Possession with or by a demon or demons is distinctly asserted by Luke (vi.17,18), who as a 'physician' was able to distinguish between the phenomena of disease and those of demonical possession.... In Matt. iv.24, 'those possessed with demons' are distinguished from 'those lunatic'....

"At our Lord's advent as Prince of Light, Satan as prince of darkness, whose ordinary opera- tion is on men's minds by invisible temptation, rushed into open conflict with His kingdom and took possession of men's bodies also. The possessed man lost the power of individual will and reason, his personal consciousness becoming strangely confused with that of the demon in him..." [A. R. Faussett, Bible Cyclopaedia, p. 169-170] "In the gospels, demon-possession is known not just by disintegration of personhood, but also by recognition of Jesus' identity and authority as Son of God, and hostility towards him. Only when this factor appears can demon-possession ever be diagnosed with confidence." [J. I. Packer, God's Words, p. 84]

"...The assumption that demon-possession today might be as common a problem as in Jesus' day is doubtful. From Acts and the epistles it does not look as if it was a common problem even in the apostolic age. The natural way to read the evidence is to suppose that the coming to earth of the Son of God stirred up a great deal of demonic activity which subsided after his ascension. It is to be feared that the preoccupation of some with finding demons everywhere is really an obsessional ego-trip, which Satan can use as a smoke-screen for his real work of spiritual corruption no less effectively than he can use disbelief in his existence to that end." [idem.]

This is not to say that demon possession no longer occurs. It is to say that great discernment must be exercised before ascribing homosexuality to evil spirits. "One should not assume that all homosexuals need deliverance from spirits of homosexuality any more than one would assume that all thieves need deliverance from spirits of robbery.... Those who assume that all problems with homosexuality are demonic in origin only confuse their counselee and leave them in a hope- less state. The counselee will be confused because he will overlook the psychological aspect of his problem, thinking that demons are always to blame. He will feel hopeless because he is always at the whim of other beings, never gaining control of his own choices. Thus, it is a great disservice to any counselee to teach or even imply that all of his problems are demonic.

"If, in the course of counseling, however, the need for deliverance becomes apparent, the Christian counselor should not hesitate to...proceed with the only solution--deliverance." [Michael R. Saia, Counseling the Homosexual, p. 167]

Even with deliverance, there will still be much to do. "Deliverance does not solve relationship problems, it does not bring about any character development, it does not renew the person's mind, and it cannot take the place of a good relationship with God. Deliverance performs one necessary function: it removes a negative influence from the person's life, aiding the person to continue, unhindered, with the normal processes of Christian growth." [ibid., p. 170]

"Satan shall head the last conspiracy against Christ...and shall finally be cast into the lake of fire forever (Rev. xx.7-10). As the destroyer he is represented as the 'roaring lion seeking whom he may devour' (I Pet. v.8). As the deceiver he is the 'serpent.' Though judicially 'cast down to hell' with his sinning angels, 'and delivered into chains of darkness to be reserved unto judgment' (2 Pet. ii.4), he is yet free on earth to the length of his chain, like a chained dog, but no further. He cannot hurt God's elect; his freedom of range in the air and on the earth is that of a chained prisoner under sentence." [A. R. Faussett, Bible Cyclopedia, p. 170]

Personal Response

2. Has Satan's power and that of all his hosts been broken at the cross?

Genesis 3:14,15

"The monumental importance of this verse has been recognized by commentators from ancient times. Its gospel character is so marked that for centuries it has been known as the 'proto- evangel," i.e., 'first gospel,' for it is the first hint of the good news." [Frank E. Gaebelein, Exploring the Bible, p. 116] "Here, at the very beginning of Scripture, compressed in twenty-eight simple words, is the central teaching of God's Word.... In the words of the great Luther, 'Here rises the sun of consolation.'" [ibid., p. 158]

Here we have "the one great central truth of all prophecy--the coming of One, Who, though He should suffer, would in the end crush the head of the old serpent, the Devil." ["Appendixes," The Companion Bible, p. 15] "The bruising of Christ's heel is the most eloquent and impressive way of foretelling the most solemn events; and to point out that the effort made by Satan to evade his doom...would become the very means of insuring its accomplishment; for it was through the death of Christ that he who had the power of death would be destroyed; and all Satan's power and policy brought to an end, and all his works destroyed (Heb. 2:14; I John 3:8; Rev. 20:1-3,10)." [ibid., p. 25]

Matthew 12:28,29

"Jesus here answers the slander of the Pharisees who had said that he cast out devils by Beel- zebub, the prince of the devils. He shows the absurdity of the accusation by comparing the power of the devil with that of a kingdom or a town or a house... If one devil should cast out another, the kingdom of the devils would not stand but would fall asunder. But this does not happen. That is why there is only one explanation for Jesus' power over the demons, viz., that by the Spirit (or the finger of God) he was able to cast them out." [Herman Ridderbos, The Coming of the Kingdom, p. 61]

"There were Jewish exorcists, and the Pharisees did not accuse them of employing diabolical agency. Why then did they accuse Christ of this?... The charge of diabolical agency having been proved to be both absurd and unjust, the alternative of Divine agency is adopted.... The Kingdom of God is come near them, and yet they are far from the Kingdom.... The Messiah had taken prey from Satan by freeing demoniacs from his power; which is evidence that, so far from being the ally of Satan, He has begun to conquer him." [Alfred Plummer, An Exegetical Commentary on the Gospel of Matthew, p. 177]

"...Jesus' superior power over Satan....is already proved at the start by the temptation in the wilderness.... Jesus' rejection of the temptation is already the beginning of his victory and of the coming of the kingdom, although this victory will have to be renewed again and again during his life on earth...." [Herman Ridderbos, The Coming of the Kingdom, p. 62-63]

The powers of hell were finally smashed at the cross and this victory will be fully consummated when Christ returns.

John 12:31-33

"Superficial views of the work of Christ produce superficial Christian lives." [D. Martin Lloyd-Jones, The Cross, p. viii]

Colossians 2:13-15

Some may ask, "If the power of Satan and his hosts was broken at the cross, why do I have such difficulty finding freedom from homosexuality? Why are my struggles so painful? Why do I sometimes fail?"

Our situation is like that of the Allies in World War II. Hitler's power was effectively smashed when the Normandy Beachhead was established. After D Day, it was only a matter of time until VE Day. There were some bloody battles to be fought, but the Nazis were finished!

In like manner, Satan's power was demolished at Calvary. His doom is certain. Our victory is secure. There are still battles to be fought, but victory is ours in Christ! The power of homosexuality has already been broken at the cross!

Personal Response

3. What kind of battle am I fighting?

II Corinthians 10:3-5

"Never cope with a temptation alone, but strive to bring God into the combat." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 364]

I Timothy 6:12

"The individual who is not anchored in God can offer no resistance on his own resources to the physical and moral blandishments of the world." [Carl C. Jung, The Undiscovered Self, p. 34]

Revelation 12:11

The weapons of our warfare are spiritual, not carnal. They have been supplied by the life, death, and resurrection of our Savior. As we learn to use the weapons He has provided, we overcome the evil one.

We are not fighting for future victory but from Christ's accomplished victory already won at the cross. For us, the issue is no longer sin, but faith! We must ask ourselves, "Will I continue to pray desperately, 'Please help me overcome my homosexuality,' or will I say boldly by faith, 'Thank you, Lord, that you have already smashed the power of homosexuality at the cross'?"

Satan is the master of illusion. When we fall, it is because we fall for his lies instead of believing God's truth. In this warfare he uses four big guns: condemnation, sin, law, and death. These can only be spiked by faith--fighting faith!

Personal Response

4. Was the power of homosexuality to condemn the believer broken at the cross?

John 5:24

"You may pile up your sins till they rise like a dark mountain, and then multiply them by ten thousand for those you cannot think of; and after you have tried to enumerate all the sins you have ever committed, just let me bring one verse in and that mountain will melt away: 'The blood of Jesus Christ, His Son, cleanseth us from ALL sin.'" [D. L. Moody, Select Sermons, p. 45]

The great missionary William Carey had these lines written on his tomb:

"A guilty, weak and helpless worm,

On Thy kind arms I fall;

Be Thou my strength and righteousness,

My Jesus and my all."

[C. H. Spurgeon, My Sermon Notes,, p. 618]

Romans 4:6-8

"Question 60. How art thou righteous before God? Answer. Only by a true faith in Jesus Christ; so that, though my conscience accuse me that I have grossly transgressed all the commands of God, and kept none of them, and am still inclined to all evil; notwithstanding God, without any merit of mine, but only of mere grace, grants and imputes to me the perfect satis- faction, righteousness, and holiness of Christ; even so, as if I never had had, nor committed any sin; yea, as if I had fully accomplished all that obedience which Christ hath accomplished for me; inasmuch as I embrace such benefit with a believing heart." [The Heidelberg Catechism]

"...Righteousness comes by faith and not by hustle." [Stephen Brown, No More Mr. Nice Guy!, p. 118]

Romans 8:1

"The fact is, that believers are in a state of conflict, but not in a state of condemnation; and that at the very time when the conflict is the hottest, the believer is still justified." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXIII, (1887), p. 469]

"That living now goes singing down the centuries: in life, in death, in time, in eternity, there is no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus." [ibid., p. 479]

Ephesians 1:7

When strong homosexual feelings come, we may feel God is pulling away, abandoning us. If we surrender to this feeling, we will inevitably begin to say, "Why resist? Since God is abandoning me in my hour of need, all is lost. Why not abandon myself?" Faith, however, fights back, using "the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God" (Ephesians 6:17), and says:

"Father, I know these homosexual feelings are wrong and I want to be free of them. But I won't be free if I let myself think you walk away from me just when I need you most. Jesus was forsaken in my place (see Matthew 27:46). You have therefore promised never to forsake me (see Hebrews 13:5). I am not abandoned! Jesus' blood cleanses me from all sin (see I John 1:7). I am not filthy in your sight! You are not disgusted with me! Jesus is my propitiation (see Romans 3:25)--my wrath-removing sacrifice. You are not angry with me any more. Jesus is my righteousness (see II Corinthians 5:21). Therefore you do not condemn me. You accept me completely in spite of all that I am or have done. You will not impute sin to me (see Romans 4:8). You will not charge my sinful nature or my sinful deeds against me. I renounce these feelings of abandonment. I receive the truth of Scripture. I am now believing that you are walking through this struggle with me so that it loses its power."

Personal Response

5. Was the power of homosexuality to enslave the believer broken at the cross?

"He who supposes that Jesus Christ only lived and died and rose again in order to provide... forgiveness of sins for His people....is...making Him only half a Savior. The Lord Jesus has undertaken everything that His people's souls require: not only to deliver them from the guilt of their sins by His atoning death, but from the dominion of their sins by placing in their hearts the Holy Spirit..." [J. C. Ryle, Holiness, p. 16]

Romans 6:1-4

"...The death, which delivers from the bondage of sin, is followed by a new life of liberty (vv. 8-11), which is not under sin's dominion, but is to be devoted to the service of a new master (vv. 12-14)." [E. H. Gifford, "Romans," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 129]

Romans 6:11

If a wealthy relative leaves you a fortune, you are rich. It will profit you little, however, if you know nothing of your inheritance or do not believe those who tell you of it. You will not benefit from a generous gift you do not know or believe you have. Thus Paul urges us to know and believe the truth--that we are dead to sin and alive to God through Jesus Christ our Lord. "...This is the first exhortation in the epistle... The present tense points to a continuing process; this goes on throughout the Christian life." [Leon Morris, The Epistle to the Romans, p. 256] "Faith means seeing things as Christ sees them and then acting on the vision." [idem.]

Romans 6:12,13

"The exhortation now advances from faith to practice..." [E. H. Gifford, "Romans," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 130] "Sin fights for the mastery; it calls out an army of the lusts of the body, and seeks to use the members, hand, eye, or tongue as weapons wherewith the lusts may re-establish the rule of unrighteousness." [idem.] "This of course assumes that sin is still there; believers do not have a serene existence from which sin has been blissfully excluded. They are still 'in the flesh' as well as 'in Christ'. Sin is still a force, but Paul's point is that it is not supreme." [Leon Morris, The Epistle to the Romans, p. 257]

II Corinthians 5:14,15

"God has provided the solution... The question is...: Will we accept Christ's death as the pay- ment for our sins and discover the powerful implications of our salvation, or will we continue to follow Satan's lies..." [Robert McGee, The Search for Significance, p. 19]

I Peter 2:24

When strong homosexual temptation attacks the mind, anxiety begins to build. We may think God is condemning us for the temptation we sense in our sinful nature. Feeling rejected, we struggle to resist, but feel driven and helpless. If we surrender to these feelings, we will inevitably begin to say, "Why fight it? Sin is too powerful for me. God is against me. There is no way I can overcome. Why not yield? Why not spare myself the frustration of another fruitless struggle?" Faith, however, fights back, using the Word of God, and says:

"Father, I know these homosexual feelings are wrong and that my sinful nature is corrupt. But I thank you that no matter what I feel, you have no condemnation for me (see Romans 8:1), nothing can separate me from your love (see Romans 8:31-39), and you have smashed the power of sin in Christ (see Galatians 2:20). The victory has already been won and I claim it by faith. Sin may tempt me, trouble me, torture me, even trip me up, if I let it, but it is no longer my master. I reckon myself dead to it. Christ is my Lord. I count myself alive to Him. Thank you, Father, for ending the cruel reign of sin at Calvary and for standing with me in my struggle."

Personal Response

6. Was the power of homosexuality to shame the believer broken at the cross?

Some might say, "I can see how Satan could use the guns of condemnation and sin to trouble God's children, but how can he use God's law as a weapon? Isn't the law 'holy, and just, and good' (see Romans 7:12)?" It is, but the law must be used lawfully (I Timothy 1:8)!

The law can tell us what is right or wrong, but it is "weak through the flesh" (Romans 8:3). It cannot forgive the offender or empower the helpless, and the Bible teaches that we are all ungodly and without strength (Romans 5:6).

The law was not given as the way of deliverance, but in order "that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God.... By the law is the knowledge of sin" (Romans 3:19,20). The law works wrath (Romans 4:15) and makes the offence abound (Romans 5:20). It never justifies people (Galatians 2:16; 3:11); it was given to lead people to Christ (Galatians 3:24). Those who are under the law need redemption, and Christ came to be under the law to redeem those who were under the law (Galatians 4:4,5).

Far from empowering us to overcome sin, "the strength of sin is the law" (I Corinthians 15:56). Sin was dead without the law (Romans 7:8), but when the commandment came, sin revived (Romans 7:9), deceived Paul, and slew him (Romans 7:11). Because of our corrupt nature, our sinful passions are actually "aroused by the law" (Romans 7:5 NIV). The law either makes us so discouraged that we say, "What's the use? I'm no good. I'll never measure up!" and surrender to sin, or we become religiously neurotic, trying harder and harder--even by the Holy Spirit--to straighten things out so we can feel presentable before the law while constantly condemning ourselves for never quite making it. As the stress increases, so does our frustration and longing for love and comfort. This makes us even more vulnerable to temptation. Shame at our failure leads us to draw back from God and His people leaving us without the support we need to fight back. And so we succumb.

Therefore, while we should look to the law to teach us right from wrong, we must not look to the law for righteousness or strength. The law is not our Savior! We must look only to Christ for the removal of our guilt and for all our righteousness (see John 1:29 and Philippians 3:8,9). We must look only to the Holy Spirit for power (see Acts 1:8).

Acts 13:38,39

"This does not mean that the law of Moses justified from some things, but Jesus from more. Rather, the meaning is 'forgiveness for everything--which the Law never offered'..." [Leon Morris, The Cross in the New Testament, p. 138] "...Justification is basically a legal term and...it means more than pardon. It indicates that the person concerned is treated as innocent, as having been acquitted at the bar of God's justice. Christ's death is the means of conferring on us the status of being righteous in God's sight." [idem.]

Romans 7:4

"Those who are under law look, though they look in vain, for justification and sanctification by its means. They hope to enter into life by keeping the commandments... The law is their hope and dependence. ...To be...married to Christ is...to place our dependence for all we need on Him; to expect to be justified by His righteousness, sanctified by His Spirit, saved in, by, Him 'with an everlasting salvation.' It is obvious...that we must be completely free from the law in order to our being...married to Christ.... If we are under the law, we are seeking...salvation by our own doings; if we are in Christ, we are saying, 'Surely in the Lord have we righteous- ness and strength.' We cannot be doing both. We must be dead to--free from the law in order to our being united to Christ." [John Brown, Analytical Exposition of the Epistle of Paul to the Romans, p. 123-124]

"The purpose of this 'spiritual marriage...betwixt Christ and His Church'...is 'that we should bring forth fruit unto God.' It is to God's honor, as our Creator, Redeemer, and Lord, that souls wedded to Christ should not remain barren, but be fruitful...in holiness and love." [E. H. Gifford, "Romans," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 136]

Romans 10:4

"The law can pursue a man to Calvary, but no further." [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 152]

Galatians 2:16

"The law commands and makes us know

What duties to our God we owe;

But 'tis the gospel must reveal

Where lies our strength to do His will.

"The law discovers guilt and sin,

And shows how vile our hearts have been;

Only the gospel can express

Forgiving love and cleansing grace.

"What curses does the law denounce

Against the man that fails but once!

But in the gospel Christ appears,

Pardoning the guilt of numerous years.

"My soul, no more attempt to draw

Thy life and comfort from the law:

Fly to the hope the gospel gives:

The man that trusts the promise, lives."

[Isaac Watts in "Hymns," Psalms and Hymns Adapted To Social, Private, and Public Worship in the Presbyterian Church in the United States of America, p. 91]

Galatians 3:10-13

When strong homosexual feelings come over us, we experience anxiety, confusion, and depres- sion. We wonder what we really want. We feel guilty and worthless and fear that we will never be what we ought to be. If we surrender to all this, we will inevitably begin to say, "It's no use! I'll never make it. I'm a failure. Why fight any longer?" Faith, however, fights back, using the Word of God, and says:

"Father, I am struggling with homosexual temptation again. I feel divided. I want to love you, but I feel my corruption. I both hate homosexuality and want it. Sometimes I don't know who I really am. I feel I can never be what you want me to be. But Father, I will not let my corruption frighten me. Christ has received all the condemnation it deserves. In Him, I am righteous before you. In Him, I am complete (see Colossians 2:10). In Him, I measure up. I'm going to stop cutting myself down. In myself I have a long way to go, but that's all right with you. You see me in Christ and are satisfied, so I'm going to stop seeing myself as trying to measure up, and seeing you as never pleased with the outcome. I am going to see myself in Christ--righteous, whole, complete, acceptable, heterosexual--and see you accepting me completely, just where I am, and walking with me, day by day, to teach me by your Word and Spirit to live more like the complete person I am in Christ (see Philippians 1:6). I thank you that as I continue to walk with you, the completeness I now have in Christ, and will experience more and more in my life, will be fully mine in glory (see I John 3:2). Thank you, Father, for freeing me from the frustrating struggle to measure up, by imputing the righteousness of Christ to me. Thank you that I am free to simply get better instead of constantly struggling to make it. And thank you that, as I walk with you, I will one day be fully conformed to the image of your Son."

Personal Response

7. Was the power of homosexuality to enervate the believer broken at the cross?

"The fourth power Christ smashed at the cross is the power of Death....that spiritual, dark force which seems to break down all life energy, chipping away at your goals and eternal longings, leaving you feeling hopeless and stunned by a quiet fear that...the touch of death has rested upon all you have tried to reach for. And you feel, 'My life has been one long struggle of disappoint- ment. Why bother anymore?...'

"But God has intervened. 'As in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.' I Corinthians 15:22, NEB.... Christ broke the power of death by embracing it.... He completely enveloped death and moved in upon its core to rise from within as the Bringer of Life.... Death does not now reign in the kingdom of grace that He governs. Life now reigns." [Colin Cook, Homosexuality: An Open Door?, p. 26]

John 10:10

"One of Faulkner's characters said: 'Between grief and nothing, I'll take grief.' But our choice is between grief and a full life." [Mildred Newman, Bernard Berkowitz, and Jean Owen, How To Be Your Own Best Friend, p. 42]

"...Without Him everything else is nothing; and none of it will continue long. Without Him the whole of life is a ridiculous cage where human squirrels keep chasing themselves about in circles, gnawing on a few moral precepts for sustenance while they stop and catch their breath!" [David MacLennan, A Preacher's Primer, p. 14]

Romans 8:2

"Christianity is not adding a burden to our life. It is adding a power, for it is adding Christ..." [Henrietta C. Mears, Thoughts For All Seasons, p. 64]

"If Christ be our Light, we shall not walk in darkness. If He be our Wisdom, we shall not err. If He be our Life, we shall never see death. If He is our Good, we shall fear no evil." [Alexander Maclaren, Expositions of Holy Scripture III, p. 83]

Romans 8:10

"What is meant here by liberty you will first know when you ask not 'from what,' but--first-- 'for what'..." [Helmut Gollwitzer, "True Freedom," Sermons To Intellectuals From Three Continents, p. 81]

Galatians 5:22,23

"Christians sin, but they are forgiven (1 John 1:9; 2:1). Christians sin, but they are restrained from habitual uninterrupted sinning by the work of the Spirit. In verses 22,23, we move from the multiple 'deeds' of the flesh to the singular Greek term 'fruit' of the Spirit." [John MacArthur, Jr., Liberated for Life: Galatians, p. 106-107] "The works of the flesh are many, the fruit of the Spirit is one, yet manifold. The works of the flesh are in a measure independent of each other. It cannot be said that every unregenerate man commits all of them. But he who has the Spirit of Christ has in him the root of all Christian graces." [E. H. Perowne, "The Epistle to the Galatians," The Cambridge Bible for Schools and Colleges, p. 68] "This is the pattern that ought to be seen in the believer. There will be times when we fail to walk in the Spirit, when we break the pattern, but Paul is emphasizing that the fruit must be a frequently visible reality in every true Christian." [John MacArthur, Jr., Liberated for Life: Galatians, p. 107]

"The true man trusts in a strength which is not his, and which he does not feel, does not even always desire." [George MacDonald: 365 Readings, p. 60]

"'But how can God bring this about in me?'--Let Him do it and perhaps you will know." [ibid., p. 99]

Hebrews 2:14,15

After a fall, or when facing temptation, we may find depression overwhelming us. We feel dead inside and find it difficult to pray. Nothing seems to work and we don't even want God any- more. Feeling condemned, we shut down the lines of communication and a sense of aloneness and hopelessness floods our soul. Despair engulfs us. If we surrender to these feelings, we will inevitably begin to say, "How can God have any interest in me when I have no desire for Him? What's the use? I give up!" Faith, however, fights back, using the Word of God, and says:

"Father, I bring these feelings to you. I don't feel like keeping the channels open, but I will. Father, I confess that I have no desire for you. The Bible seems stale, prayer use- less, and the church boring. I feel dead inside! But 'I thank you that this death has no power over my spirit which shares in the resurrection of Jesus. Death has no power over Him. This death-feeling is not the true me. The true me is resurrected with Christ.' [Colin Cook, Homosexuality: An Open Door?, p. 27-28] I refuse to come under the power of death. By faith I acknowledge that my spirit is alive with Christ. Thank you that as I reckon myself alive to God in Christ Jesus (see Romans 6:11), hope will revive and I will joy in you once more."

Personal Response

8. Can God restore what sin has marred?

Joel 2:25

"Through repentance all which had been lost by sin, is restored. In itself...sin is an irreparable evil.... God, through Christ, restores the sinner, blots out sin, and does away with its eternal consequences.... Writers of old say, 'It is pious to believe that the...grace of God which destroys a man's former evils, also reintegrates his good, and that God, when He hath destroyed in a man what is not His, loves the good which He implanted even in the sinner." [E. B. Pusey, The Minor Prophets, p. 192-193]

II Corinthians 5:17

"When Augustine, shortly after his conversion, was accosted on the street by a former mistress of his sinful and licentious days, he turned and walked in the opposite direction. Surprised, the woman cried out, 'Augustine, it is I!' But Augustine proceeded on his way as he cried back to her, 'Yes, but it is not I.'" [Clarence Edward Macartney, Great Interviews of Jesus, p. 18]

Galatians 6:9

"Teach us, good Lord, to serve Thee as Thou deservest; to give and not to count the cost; to fight and not to heed the wounds; to toil and not to ask for rest; to labor and not to ask for any reward save knowing that we do Thy will." [Ignatius of Loyola in Eerdmans' Handbook to Christian Belief, p. 378]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 4

Becoming a Christian does not mean that our faith is perfect or always strong. All too often we fail to take advantage of the treasures of grace available to us through the cross. This is especially true in times of strong temptation when our habitual emotional responses come into play and Satan uses the old feelings of guilt, shame, and fear to stampede us away from the victory Christ has already won for us at the cross.

This sometimes happens when things have been going well. Some time ago, just after working on Step 4, I invited a heterosexual man I had recently met to my apartment to get acquainted. For much of the time he was there, I had to struggle against repeated, unwanted thoughts of ways I might seduce him. While I did not yield, I had not experienced anything so powerful for over a year! I had erotic dreams about him that night. I could see no reason why I was having such feelings at that time.

While I did not fall into the old trap of hopelessness, I did have to struggle for two days to stay out of it. The old feelings that God despised me and that I'd never get free hammered away at me. I repeatedly had to drag myself into my heavenly Father's presence, asking His forgiveness for being one who could have such a struggle, claiming the cleansing power of Christ's blood, and trusting His righteousness to make me fully acceptable to God. I steadfastly refused to allow my feelings to give the lie to God's Word, but hung on for dear life to the truth that God was not angry with me and that He loved me not one whit less because of my struggles. Though I felt the power of homosexuality to tempt and torment, I refused to slip back into the belief that it still had the power to rule me--that it was the master and I was the slave. Instead, I thanked God that I was savingly joined to Christ so that when He died, I died in Him to sin; and that when He rose, I rose in Him to walk in newness of life.

The outcome? I had two days of intermittent and sometimes fierce struggle. But I did not fall, I did not masturbate, and I did not entertain fantasy, but rejected it. Homosexuality harassed me, but it could not lord it over me! "Thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (I Corinthians 15:57)!

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 4

1) Write an account of your most recent, serious struggle with homosexual temptation in your journal. Which guns did Satan use against you--condemnation, sin, law, and/or death? How did he use them? How did you respond? How do you plan to respond when he strikes next?

2) Read aloud Psalm 27 every morning when you awake and every evening before you go to sleep, praising God that the power of homosexuality has already been broken at the cross and that He is even now restoring your true personhood.

3) Listen to the tape How To Spike the Devil's Guns under "STEP 4" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 5 while continuing to work in your workbook. Read Homosexuality: An Open Door? from the "HA Book Ministry" list under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY". Continue reading the book your step coach recommended to help you with Steps 1-7. Journal what you learn from all this and share what you have written with your step coach.

4) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

class=WordSection8>
O for a thousand tongues to sing

My great Redeemer's praise!

The glories of my God and King,

The triumphs of His grace!

Jesus! The name that charms our fears,

That bids our sorrows cease;

'Tis music in the sinner's ears,

'Tis life, and health, and peace.

On this glad day the glorious Sun

Of Righteousness arose;

On my benighted soul He shone,

And filled it with repose.

Then with my heart I first believed,

Believed with faith divine;

Power from the Holy Ghost received

To call the Savior mine.

I felt my Lord's atoning blood

Close to my soul applied;

Me, me He loved--the Son of God:

For me, for me He died.

He breaks the power of cancelled sin,

He sets the prisoner free;

His blood can make the foulest clean,

His blood availed for me.

He speaks--and listening to His voice

New life the dead receive;

The mournful, broken hearts rejoice,

The humble poor believe.

Hear Him, ye deaf; His praise ye dumb,

Your loosened tongues employ;

Ye blind, behold your Savior come,

And leap, ye lame, for joy.

My gracious Master, and my God,

Assist me to proclaim,

To spread through all the earth abroad

The honors of thy name. --Charles Wesl

ey STEP 5

We came to perceive

that we had accepted a lie about ourselves,

an illusion that had trapped us in a false identity.

Who is the real me? That question haunted many of us for years. Homosexuality is not principally a sexual problem, but rather an identity problem. Where could we learn our true identity?

We knew we could not expect our feelings or thoughts to provide the answer because our past experiences had distorted them. Nor could we trust friends who shared our distortions. We were afraid that others who had not experienced our struggle could not understand. Who could we wisely and safely trust to show us who we were?

Over four hundred years ago, one of the Church's greatest teachers wrote: "...It is certain that man never achieves a clear knowledge of himself unless he has first looked upon God's face, and then descends from contemplating Him to scrutinize himself." [John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion I.i.2, p. 37]

God made our first parents in His image (Genesis 1:26,27). They knew God, understood them- selves, were comfortable with each other, and enjoyed a life of healthy love.

Sin changed all that. In place of the beauty which God intended came all the horrors humanity now knows. When we look at people in general, and at ourselves in particular, we no longer see the pure likeness of God. Instead we behold a mass of problems like cruelty, apathy, hatred, resentment, indifference, bitterness, rage, lust, rebellion, greed, immorality, envy, pride, deception, and a thousand other tragic distortions.

The Bible tells us that homosexuality is also a distortion. Scripture teaches that God's plan was for the sexual union of male and female (Genesis 2:24), not for the union of two males or two females (Leviticus 18:22,23).

Something has happened to us that led us to diverge from God's purposes. Where did we go wrong? How can we get back? These are the questions which the 14 Steps help us answer.

Because we understood that distorted ideas about God lead to a twisted concept of self, we began by looking on God's face through His Word and His Son. We found that God is not a distant ogre or a harsh tyrant. He is our loving Father who forgives and accepts us in spite of all (Step 2), our sovereign Lord who is working all things for our ultimate good (Step 3), and our mighty Savior who has delivered us from sin and Satan's power at great cost (Step 4).

As we have begun to better understand God, we are now ready to begin to better understand ourselves. First we must face the lie we have accepted (Step 5), and then we can embrace the truth we have missed (Step 6).

1. What is one source of the longings we sometimes feel?

Psalm 42:1,2

"...Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee." [The Confessions of St. Augustine I:1]

Though we may have trusted in Christ and are completely loved, forgiven, and accepted by our heavenly Father; we may still keep Him at a distance and look for fulfillment elsewhere because of our fears and distortions. Thus we miss true satisfaction.

Psalm 63:1-3

"In comparison with this big world, the human heart is only a small thing. Though the world is so large, it is utterly unable to satisfy this tiny heart. Man's ever-growing soul and its capacities can be satisfied only in the infinite God." [Sundar Singh in Elliott Wright, Holy Company, p. 170]

"Even earth's best and deepest well satisfies not." [Gems From Bishop Taylor Smith's Bible, p. 59]

Psalm 84:2

"The blank space in the modern heart, said Julian Huxley, is a 'God-shaped blank.'" [James S. Stewart, Heralds of God, p. 55]

"We may go with the bee from flower to flower, but we shall never have full satisfaction till we come to the infinite God." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 53]

Personal Response

2. What is God's attitude toward man now?

John 3:16

"God loves the unlovely, and it broke His heart to do it. The depth of the love of God is revealed by that wonderful word, 'whosoever.'" [Oswald Chambers, The Highest Good, p. 120]

Romans 1:18

The Bible speaks of God's wrath but assures us that God is love, always and unchangeably (I John 4:8; Malachi 3:6; Hebrews 13:8). How can both be true? Since God loves us, He must react against the sin that is destructive to us and others.

Scripture teaches that God's wrath is revealed in handing men and women over to the full force of sin (Romans 1:18,24,26,28). God does not abandon them, but in tough love allows them to experience the results of their poor choices so that, as they look past the experience of pain and grief, they may come to recognize that God Himself is their only true friend and help.

Personal Response

3. Has God revealed Himself to humankind?

Psalm 19:1-3

"Larry Maggard sent this poem to his mother in Isom, Kentucky, in a letter that arrived the same day as the telegram notifying his parents of his death:

'Lord God, I have never spoken to you,

But now I want to say: How do you do?

You see, God, they told me you didn't exist,

And like a fool, I believed all this.

'Last night from a shell hole I saw your sky;

I figured right then they had told me a lie,

Had I taken time to see things you made

I'd have known they weren't calling a spade a spade.

'I wonder, God, if you'll take my hand,

Some how I feel that you'll understand.

Funny I had to come to this hellish place

Before I had time to see your face.

'Well, I guess there isn't much more to say,

But I'm sure glad, God, I met you today.

I guess zero hour will soon be here,

But I'm not afraid since I know you're near.

'The signal! Well God, I'll have to go.

I like you lots, I want you to know.

Look, now, this will be a horrible fight,

Who knows, I may come to your house tonight.

'Tho' I wasn't friendly to you before,

I wonder, God, if you'd wait at your door.

Look, I'm crying! Me shedding tears!

I wish I'd known you these many years.

'Well, I'll have to go now, God. Goodbye.

Strange how, since I met you, I'm not afraid to die!'"

[Christian Times in James C. Hefley, A Dictionary of Illustrations, p. 301]

"An atheist is a man who believes himself an accident." [Francis Thompson in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 44]

Romans 1:19,20

"There are mountains all around the Betty Ford Center, blue-gray in the distance, massive and enduring. Once in a while even a patient who doesn't believe in God will admit that if you look at those mountains long enough, you start to suspect there's something out there greater than you..." [Betty Ford with Chris Chase, Betty: A Glad Awakening, p. 1]

"...When Helen Keller (who had been rendered permanently blind and deaf by illness at the age of nineteen months) was 10 years of age, her father asked Phillips Brooks to tell her about God. Gladly he did so, and the two corresponded as long as he lived. Brooks was 'profoundly im- pressed with the remark she made after the first conversation, that she had always known there was a God, but had not before known His name." [Andrew W. Blackwood, Expository Preach- ing for Today, p. 103]

Romans 2:14,15

"Two things fill the mind with ever-increasing wonder and awe, the more often and the more intensely the mind of thought is drawn to them: the starry heavens above me and the moral law within me." [Immanuel Kant, Critique of Practical Reason, conclusion, The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, p. 284:4]

Though God has revealed Himself clearly in creation and conscience, He has revealed Himself most clearly in Scripture.

II Peter 1:19-21

"I want to know one thing, the way to heaven: how to land safe on that happy shore. God Himself has condescended to teach the way; for this very end He came from heaven. He hath written it down in a book! I have it; here is knowledge enough for me. Let me be homo unis libri (a man of one book). Here then I am, far from the busy ways of men. I sit down alone; only God is here. In His presence I open, I read this book... Is there a doubt concerning the meaning of what I read? Does anything appear dark or intricate? I lift up my heart to the Father of lights. Lord, is it not Thy word, 'If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of God'?... Thou has said, 'If any be willing to do Thy will, he shall know.' I am willing to do Thy will; let me know Thy will." [John Wesley in Andrew Blackwood, Preaching From the Bible, p. 24]

Personal Response

4. How has humanity responded to God?

Jeremiah 2:13

"It is natural for the mind to believe, and for the will to love; so that, for want of true objects, they must attach themselves to false." [Blaise Pascal, Pensees, #81]

Jeremiah 4:22

"You can hear it over and over again--all kinds of secondary solutions to secondary problems. Of course these are problems, but they are not the central problem ...The real reason we are in such a mess is that we have turned away from the God who is there and the truth which He has revealed. The problem is that the house is so rotten that even smaller earthquakes shake it to the core." [Francis Schaeffer, Death in the City, p. 58]

Romans 1:21-23

"The fallen self cannot know itself. We do not know who we are, and will search for an identity in someone or something other than God until we find ourselves in Him." [Leanne Payne, The Broken Image, p. 149]

Romans 1:25

"Our world lies on the brink of disaster because we as people have turned our backs on the God who made us. Our only hope is to turn back to Him--one life at a time." [R. Scott Richards, Myths the World Taught Me, p. 41]

Personal Response

5. Who is behind such responses?

II Corinthians 11:3

"Every sinner is really the devil's drudge." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 361]

II Thessalonians 2:8-10

"...If you despise God's truth you will fall in love with Satan's lie." [A. W. Pink, The Sermon on the Mount, p. 376]

II Timothy 3:13

"Other slaves are forced against their will...but sinners are willing to be slaves, they will not take their freedom; they kiss their fetters." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 150]

Revelation 20:10

"It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it." [Ronald Knox in The World Treasury of Religious Quotations, p. 239]

Personal Response

6. What is the result of our abandoning the true God?

Jeremiah 2:19

The Bible teaches us that our struggle is not something that deserves the wrath of God; it is part of the wrath of God which rests on all of fallen humanity. He did not hold us back from the sin we desired, but allowed us to run into evil, that the pain it brought might move us to return to His outstretched arms. "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is HIS megaphone to rouse a deaf world." [C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain, p. 93]

Romans says that when people turned from God, He gave them up to immorality (1:24,25), homosexuality (1:26,27), and various kinds of iniquity (1:28-32). "...We can use the parable of the prodigal son to illustrate what this means and what it does not mean. There the father gives up the son who forsakes him. In other words, the father lets him go; the Father in Heaven does not hold anyone back by force either.... But the Father does not forsake or abandon when He gives up: He waits and keeps watch for the one who has run away, waiting for him to turn back from his perversity, for the Father does not give up in order to destroy, but in order to save..." [Walter Luthi, The Letter to the Romans, p. 24]

God speaks of His wrath to urge us to receive the gift of His love, His Son (John 3:16; Romans 5:8), who offered His blood (Romans 3:24,25) "a wrath-removing or propitiatory sacrifice". [William Hendriksen, "An Exposition of Paul's Epistle to the Romans," New Testament Com- mentary I, p. 132] Jesus Christ is God's answer to God's wrath!

Romans 1:24

Having lost touch with God, we lost ourselves. "Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outside of others.

"Early on, we came to feel disconnected--from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

"We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we know to be free of it was to do it. 'Please connect with me and make me whole!' we cried with out- stretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.

"This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

"Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another be- cause we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the 'chemistry,' the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

"First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives." [From Sexaholics Anonymous, copyright 1985 by SA Literature. Reprinted by permis- sion.]

For some, "the sin against God's nature entails as its penalty sin against man's own nature." [E. H. Gifford, "Romans," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 66] "...The perversion of man's relation with God carries with it the perversion of his nature as it actually is." [Emil Brunner, Man In Revolt, p. 135]

Romans 1:26,27

Many of us, who could understand God giving us up to our own desires to draw us back to Himself, were still troubled by the question, "Why did I have these homosexual feelings in the first place?"

Some of us, having asked God for a miraculous release to no avail, and having struggled unsuc- cessfully against our feelings, came to the conclusion, "I'm homosexual and there's nothing I can do about it." We may have tried to blame our genes or our hormones, but we learned there is little or no scientific evidence to support such thoughts.

Experiments with hormones showed that increasing testosterone in male homosexuals, far from changing sexual orientation, simply increased their desire for sex with other men. In other words, increasing hormones did not make people less homosexual, it made them more so! [H. S. Barahal, "Testosterone in Psychotic Male Homosexuals," Psychiatric Quarterly XIV (1940), p. 319-329]

As Dr. William P. Wilson, who served as professor of psychiatry and as head of the division of biological psychiatry at the Duke University School of Medicine, says, "There is no evidence that genetic or hormonal factors play any role in the development of homosexuality." [Answers to Your Questions About Homosexuality, p. 156]

If our problem is not physical, why do we have this struggle? Dr. Elizabeth Moberly, a brilliant English research psychologist who received her Ph.D. from Oxford University, found "that the homosexual--whether man or woman--has suffered from some deficit in the relationship with the parent of the same sex; and that there is a corresponding drive to make good this deficit--through the medium of same-sex, or 'homosexual,' relationships." [Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 2]

For healthy development, a child needs love from its parent of the same sex. If that need goes unmet for a long period of time, the child develops mixed and contradictory feelings toward that parent and tries, through a process of detachment, to survive without the love he or she deeply needs. The emotionally hurt youngster says of the same-sex parent, "I don't want to be like you." These feelings are transferred to all members of the same sex so that the person exper- iences at the same time a deep desire for intimacy with people of the same sex and a strong fear of such intimacy. When puberty comes, with its strong sexual feelings, these feelings get con- fused with erotic intimacy and a homosexual struggle begins.

Homosexual behavior is a mistaken attempt to meet a real need for non-sexual, same-sex, parent-child love. This need is falsely understood as sexual, but homosexual behavior actually lessens the possibility of getting the real needs met because it involves guilt, deepens feelings of inferiority, tends to addiction, and increases the ambivalence experienced in same-sex relating. "There is an old Latin motto: Omne animal post coitum triste--all animals have hangovers after intercourse. Outside of permanent personal commitment, one is lifted from isolation for a few minutes and then dumped deeper into loneliness." [J. Rinzema, The Sexual Revolution, p. 98] Dr. Earl Wilson says, "The anonymous sex which many homosexuals exper- ience seems only to strengthen the reparative urge and leave the person more desperate." [Counseling and Homosexuality, p. 59] All this reduces a person's ability to have those healthy relationships with members of the same sex which are vital to coming to freedom from homosex-uality.

"Homosexuality is the kind of problem that needs to be solved through relationships. The solution of same-sex deficits is to be sought through the medium of...non-sexual relationships with members of the same sex.... It is the provision of good same-sex relationships that helps meet unmet same-sex needs, heals defects in the relational capacity, and in this way forwards the healing process." [Elizabeth Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 42]

These thoughts challenged the ideas many of us had long tried to believe, and some of us found them frightening at first. As we reflected, however, we came to see that they were good news. They proved that we were not the prisoners of cruel fate or faulty genes or hormones. Our problem was not physical and unchangeable but psychological and relational. There was hope for us! If we would draw near to God, work through our hurts, and establish healthy relation- ships, we could be free! Dr. James Dobson says, "...Contrary to what you've heard, homosex- uality can be treated successfully when the individual desperately wants to change." [Love Must Be Tough, p. 163]

The Bible gave us an additional piece of good news. Many of us had heard that God held homo-sexuals in special contempt. Romans assured us that this is not so. We are not alone in our sinful condition. Since humanity as a whole has turned away from God, everyone has been given up to something! "...There is no difference: for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:22b,23). God counts us no less, but no more, sinful than others. All are equally under the judgment of God. All are equally in need of the Savior. All are invited to come to Him in faith and repentance. "The ground is level at the foot of the cross."

Romans 1:28-32

"Much of what we...call straight is...crooked by God's definition.... It isn't God's plan to lead you out of one lust into another. The process of change...involves an unlearning of the homo- sexual condition, and then a learning...of the heterosexual one. It is important to realize that much of what passes as normal heterosexual drive and desire is also fallen." [Ed Hurst with Dave and Neta Jackson, Overcoming Homosexuality, p. 92-93]

Personal Response

7. Could I have been deceived about my sexuality?

Proverbs 28:26

"'Being different' or having different interests than the majority of individuals of our gender is not the first sign of homosexuality. However, the intolerance that our society, or...our peer group, has for those differences....can...create a sexual problem... Dressing up in women's clothing is not an early sign of homosexuality.... The desire to be noticed by others of the same gender is also not a guarantee of homosexuality.... 'Everybody looks in the locker room.' It's ...part of the 'measure up' pressure that is such a part of our culture. That's true also of sexual experimentation. Statistics show that a large number of young adolescents have pleasurable same-sex experiences ranging from mutual masturbation to oral or anal intercourse. The notion that 'if you were REALLY straight then you wouldn't have enjoyed it' is false. As human beings, we react to physical stimulation.... Response to gay pornography is also not a sure sign of homosexuality. ...Most males are easily triggered sexually, so much so, that they are even slightly aroused at the sight of their own sexual organs.... The fact that a man or woman has not found 'real satisfaction' in a heterosexual experience can also indicate many things. If these experiences occurred outside...a...marriage relationship...they already have some built-in failure potential.... There's the insecurity of not knowing how long it will last. With no enduring commitment, there's more emphasis on performance rather than genuine intimacy. These and other factors can have a serious effect on...fulfillment..." [Ed Hurst, Homosexuality: Laying the Axe to the Roots, p. 27-28]

Dr. Christ Zoos, who teaches at New York Medical College and the Albert Einstein College of Medicine and serves as the director of the New York Center for Short-Term Dynamic Psycho- therapy, writes, "When someone has a fantasy that is homoerotic in nature, the immediate response is 'I must be homosexual,' and most people react with consternation to that possibility. Homoerotic fantasies are commonly born of a craving for closeness with the parent of the same sex. Frequently people perceive their relationship with that parent as difficult or distant or cold or not the way they want it to be, and a homoerotic fantasy represents the desire for attention and warmth.... Sexual fantasies represent a need--one that can emanate from the distant past, the recent past, or the present. The thing to keep in mind is that the fantasy can be understood." [Think Like a Shrink, p. 130-131]

"As a lesbian who did come to be cured of it, four and a half years ago, I've been very interested in the answer (to the question can homosexuality be cured?), and, for two and a half of those years, I believed the answer was 'yes'... Part way through the therapy I changed to 'no,' based on what I was experiencing in the most intense homosexual relationship I'd ever had, and now, after almost a year of being free of the compulsive need to find a woman who wanted me, I know the answer is 'yes.'" [Anonymous, "Can Primal Therapy Cure Homosexuality?,' The Journal of Primal Therapy, (Vol. III, No. 2, 1976), p. 226-229]

And so we must decide whether we will follow our feelings and our fears or take our stand on God's Word the Bible!

Jeremiah 9:23,24

"Sixty years ago I knew everything; now I know nothing; education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." [Will Durant in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 173]

"The people of our world...pride themselves on what they know, but it is only educated ignor- ance." [Vance Havner, Day By Day, p. 189]

I Corinthians 3:18-20

"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people." [Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 260]

"Most ignorance is vincible ignorance: we don't know because we don't want to know." [Aldous Huxley in ibid., p. 261]

"I suppose that many might have attained to wisdom had they not thought they had already attained it." [Seneca, de Ira, Lib. iii. c. 36 in Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 26]

"See your need of Christ's teaching. You cannot see your way without this morning star.... The plumb line of reason is too short to fathom the deep things of God..." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 170]

I Corinthians 8:2

"The first step towards madness is to think oneself wise." [Fernando do Rojas, La Celestina, 1499-1502 in The Oxford Book of Aphorisms, p. 246]

Revelation 12:9

"...Unbelief is the mother of sin, and misbelief the nurse of it." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 477]

Personal Response

8. What shall I do?

Jeremiah 3:22

"His mercies are beyond all imagination; great mercies, manifold mercies..., tender mercies, sure mercies, everlasting mercies; and all is yours, if you will but turn." [Joseph Alleine, An Alarm to the Unconverted, p. 133]

"The lame man who keeps the right road outstrips the runner who takes a wrong one. Nay, it is obvious that the more active and swift the latter is the further he will go astray." [Francis Bacon in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 315]

Romans 10:13

"...There are two kinds of people one can call reasonable: those who serve God with all their heart because they know Him, and those who seek Him with all their heart because they do not know Him." [Blaise Pascal, Pensees, #194]

Revelation 22:17

"Christ does not pull His sheep by a rope; in His army are none but volunteers." [E. Frommel in R. C. H. Lenski, The Interpretation of St. Mark's Gospel, p. 347]

"Do not stand off because of your unworthiness. ...Nothing can undo you but your own unwill- ingness." [Joseph Alleine, An Alarm to the Unconverted, p. 113]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 5

Believing the lie was, for me, a process. There was the first stab of fear when, aged twelve, I was sexually aroused while playing strip poker with friends. Homosexual activity during my teenage years increased the distress. Recurring temptations after conversion and the failure of marriage to "cure" me strengthened anxiety. A return to homosexual activity under stress gave the lie real strength. The failure of a last, desperate attempt to free myself and the experience of crawling back to the very person who had threatened to reveal my secret life brought me to say, "I'm homosexual and there's nothing I can do about it." Only love for my wife and child- ren kept me from leaving them and embracing the lifestyle completely.
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Recognizing and renouncing the lie was also a process. Illusions do not die easily! The process began as I "hit bottom" when I was exposed and lost my reputation, my family, my friends, and my job. It was then that I learned of a group of people who were finding freedom from homo- sexuality. Faith engaged the lie in battle and was strong enough to get me to move to Reading where I could be involved in HA and in counseling.

My counselor had come out of a homosexual struggle. That gave me hope and the feeling that here was someone who understood and could be trusted. As he gently helped me discover and resolve some of the hurts of the past which had produced my struggle, the power of homosex- uality over my life and the power of the lie diminished.

Through reading, I began to understand the why of this struggle. The lie draws its strength from confusion, but light dispels darkness and truth destroys error. As I learned that this was not a physical problem, but a psychological one, and found others who were changing, faith grew stronger.

I told my new pastor my story. He gave me his home and office phone numbers and urged me to call him any time I needed help. He went out of his way to make me feel accepted and cared for while quietly maintaining that homosexuality was contrary to the will of God. His loving support, wise recognition that recovery takes time, careful avoidance of any appearance of pressure, and firm faith that I would recover did much to dispel the lie.

The loving support I received from some of the men in my HA chapter and from several men in my church did much to meet the needs which had fueled my struggle, so the lie lost more ground.

A careful study of the Scriptures on sexuality in general and homosexuality in particular con- firmed what I was hearing and experiencing. And now faith was on a firm footing.

And so the lie, like fog before the wind, was dissipated by the Spirit of God. While it can still make itself felt in rare times of strong temptation, I can truthfully say that most of the time I wonder how I could ever have believed it, and I know it will never rule my life again.

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 5

1) Write an account of how you came to believe the lie that you were homosexual and there was nothing you could do about it in your journal. What have you done and what are you doing to escape it? What progress have you made? Discuss this with your step coach.

2) Listen to the tape Truth To Set You Free! and read the brochure Who Am I in Christ? under "STEPS 5 AND 6" in the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 6 while continuing to work in your workbook. Continue reading the book your step coach recommended to help you with Steps 1-7. Journal what you learn and discuss your findings with your step coach.

3) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

STEP 6

We learned to claim our true reality

that, as humankind, we are part of God's heterosexual creation

and that God calls us to rediscover that identity in Him

through Jesus Christ, as our faith perceives Him.

If we have believed a lie about ourselves, where do we find the truth? Over three hundred years ago, a great Christian philosopher wrote, "Not only do we know God by Jesus Christ alone, but we know ourselves only by Jesus Christ.... Apart from Jesus Christ, we do not know what is our life, nor our death, nor God, nor ourselves. Thus without the Scripture, which has Jesus Christ alone for its object, we know nothing, and see only darkness and confusion in the nature of God, and in our own nature." [Blaise Pascal, Pensees, #547]

A Christian poet puts it this way:

"We cannot

name ourselves

"We wait for God

or Satan

to tell us who we are" [From The Secret Trees, c Luci Shaw, Harold Shaw Publishers, 1976. Used by permission of the author.]

All this certainly proved true in our experience. When we looked to ourselves, we lost ourselves. We "accepted a lie about ourselves, an illusion that...trapped us in a false identity" (Step 5).

To find ourselves, we must look away from ourselves. We must confess that sin has distorted our ability to perceive our own nature. We are fallen, broken men and women who no longer understand the truth about ourselves.

Instead of trusting in our own darkness, we must look to the One who is the light of the world (John 8:12). We must look to our Creator in whose image we were made, but whose image sin has distorted. We must look to God in Christ as He has revealed Himself in Scripture. Here we can learn "our true reality" and "rediscover" our authentic "identity".

1. What has God revealed about Himself?

Deuteronomy 6:4

"If a ship should have two pilots of equal power, one would be ever crossing the other; when one would sail, the other would cast anchor; there would be confusion, and the ship must perish. The order and harmony of the world, or the constant and uniform government of all things, is a clear argument that there is but one Omnipotent, one God that rules all." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 104]

Isaiah 6:8

Note that while God clearly states that He is "one" and calls Himself "I", He also refers to Himself by the plural pronoun "us".

Matthew 28:18-20

"It does not say, 'In the names [plural] of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost'; nor..., 'In the name of the Father, and in the name of the Son, and in the name of the Holy Ghost,' as if we had to deal with three separate Beings. Nor...does it say, 'In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost,' as if 'the Father, Son and Holy Ghost' might be taken as...three designations of a single person. With stately emphasis it asserts the unity of the three by combining them all within the bounds of the single Name; and then throws...into emphasis the distinctness of each by introducing them in turn with the repeated article: 'In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost' (Authorized Version). These three, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost, each stand in some clear sense over against the others in distinct personality: these three, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost, all unite in some profound sense in the common participation in the one Name.... The Hebrew did not think of the name...as a mere external symbol; but...as the adequate expression of the innermost being of its bearer. In His name the Being of God finds expression.... We are witnessing...the authoritative announcement of the Trinity as the God of Christianity by its Founder..." [B. B. Warfield, Biblical Doctrines, p. 153-155]

Personal Response

2. What has God revealed about what He planned for us?

Genesis 1:26-28

The Hebrew word translated "God" is plural as are the pronouns "us" and "our" referring to God. The singular pronouns "he" and "him" also refer to God. Many scholars see this mixture of singular and plural as an Old Testament foreshadowing of the truth that though God is one, there are within His unity three persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

With man we have a similar change from singular to plural. Man (singular) is created male and female and is referred to as "him" and "them".

Thus, both God and man are not beings in isolation but beings-in-community. As there is unity (one God) with differentiation (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) in the Godhead, so God intended unity (Adam and Eve were both human) with differentiation (God made man male and female) in humankind. "The differentiation of the sexes is so constitutive of humanity that...it appears as a primeval order (Genesis 1:27; 2:18ff.) and endures as a constant despite its depravation in the Fall (Genesis 3:16)..." [Helmut Thielicke, The Ethics of Sex, p. 3] "To be human is to exist in a masculine and feminine complementarity, and without this Man [generic] is incom- plete." [Urban T. Holmes, The Sexual Person, p. 3] "In a given man or woman there is...an incompleteness, that is only resolved in the union of man and woman to achieve Man." [ibid. p. 8] "The statement that God created them, man and woman, implies that the myth of the androgynies is an impossibility for Christian thought.... The desire for the overcoming of sex duality belongs to an (openly or hiddenly monistic) way of thinking." [Emil Brunner, Man In Revolt, p. 348-349]

One reason for this differentiation of the sexes is that the loving relation between the three persons of the Trinity is to be mirrored in the loving union of man and woman in marriage. What this passage "primarily means is that not mankind as male but male and female together make up the image of God." [Sakae Kubo, Theology and Ethics of Sex, p. 24] "By God's will, man was not created alone, but designated for the 'thou' of the other sex. The idea of man finds its full meaning not in the male alone but in man and woman." [Gerhard von Rad, Genesis: A Commentary, p. 58]

This is further confirmed by the command to be fruitful and multiply. "As the image and like- ness of the Creator, man is creator too and is called to creative cooperation in the work of God." [Nicolas Berdyaev, The Destiny of Man, p. 53] "...The power of cooperation in creation, which is the image, is expressed in human sexuality." [Urban T. Holmes, The Sexual Person, p. 4] "Psychiatrist Erik Erikson identifies generativity, pouring our life back into future generations, as adults' most meaningful function. And that occurs most profoundly in procreation. There, in an ongoing way, we function 'in the image of God' by participating in His act of Creation. But this participation is restricted through Creation itself to the union of the two sexes." [Ed Hurst with Dave and Neta Jackson, Overcoming Homosexuality, p. 17]

Homosexuality seeks undifferentiated oneness (the sexual union of two males or two females) instead of seeking oneness in the union of two who are the same (human) and yet different (male and female). In doing this, it denies the creation intent. "A community of simply one sex does not reflect God's intention for us or His character in the world." [Donald Williams, The Bond That Breaks, p. 57]

As we thought on these things, some of us felt threatened. Did this mean we were rejected by God because we were unable to marry? We had forgotten two important truths.

First, we had forgotten that we are accepted by God, not on the basis of our performance (works), but on the ground of the blood and righteousness of Christ. There is no condemnation for anyone who truly trusts in Him (see Steps 2 and 4).

Second, we had forgotten that this step calls us to a process of rediscovering our heterosexual identity. Had our same-sex, parent-child needs been met when we were young, we would have no problem. Because they were not met, we got stuck in our emotional and sexual development somewhere in childhood. Just as it would be foolish to demand that a six-year-old child be ready for marriage and parenthood at once, so it is foolish not to realize that a period of growth is necessary before we are ready for such matters.

Our task is to recognize our true reality, work on healing the wounds and tearing down the walls that have kept us from getting our needs met in appropriate ways, build a healthy relationship with God and with others of the same sex so our needs can be met, and remain open to rediscov- ering our true identity in our experience when we are ready. "As an African proverb states: 'The best way to eat the elephant standing in your path is to cut it up into little pieces.'" [Steven J. Danish in Leadership, p. 100]

If we still feel frightened, perhaps we have not really accepted the fact that we are fallen creatures and that salvation has not yet perfected us. We must be patient. God is not finished with us yet!

Personal Response

3. What was God displeased with in creation?

Genesis 2:18

God rejects any conception of man in isolation as "not good". "Solitude is...defined here very realistically as helplessness..." [Gerhard von Rad, Genesis, p. 80] Man needs a helper suitable for him. "Helper" is not a demeaning term. "Clarence Vos cites the other Old Testament refer- ences to" this word: "15 times it refers to God as the helper and 3 times to the help of man which is ineffectual. He concludes, 'Thus, if one excluded Gen. 2:18,20 it could be said that only God gives effectual help to man.'" [Susan T. Foh, Women and the Word of God, p. 60] "Now since God assigns the woman as a help to the man...he...pronounces that marriage will really prove to men the best support of life.... The vulgar proverb, indeed is, that she is a necessary evil; but the voice of God is rather to be heard, which declares that woman is given as a companion and an associate to the man, to assist him to live well." [John Calvin, A Commentary on Genesis I, p. 129]

Personal Response

4. What did God do to meet man's need?

Genesis 2:21,22

"In Semitic thought, naming implied the ability to learn the inner secrets or essence of an object, just as man has such powers in science today. Man's power to so 'name' the animals was notably set in the context of his recognition of his own relational needs." [James M. Houston, I Believe in the Creator, p. 81]

"The man no doubt recognized the animals which were brought to him as helps, but they were not counterparts of equal rank. So God moved on, in the most mysterious way, to create the woman--from the man. As distinct from the animals, she was a complete counterpart, which the man at once recognized and greeted as such. So is elucidated the age-long urgency of the sexes for one another, which is only appeased when it becomes 'one flesh'...; for the woman was taken from the man, and they must in consequence come together again." This "gives the relationship between man and woman the dignity of being the greatest miracle and mystery of Creation." [Gerhard von Rad, Old Testament Theology I, p. 149-150]

"Another way of expressing what God did is to say that He created a 'woman-sized void' in man, a void that none of the animals nor even another man could fill." [Dwight Hervey Small, Christian: Celebrate Your Sexuality, p. 243]

Personal Response

5. How did Adam feel about God's gift of woman?

Genesis 2:23

"It was not Adam who thought up woman as his helpmate; she was exclusively the thought and plan of the Creator. He alone knew man's need and what would fully meet it." [Dwight Hervey Small, Christian: Celebrate Your Sexuality, p. 138] Adam, however, joyfully accepted God's provision for him. These words, Adam's first recorded in Scripture, acknowledge "with complete freedom and the wisdom of his unfallen state...the woman to be the perfect...compan- ion to share his life and divide his labor." [ibid., p. 136]

Personal Response

6. What did God plan for humanity?

Genesis 2:24

"The powerful sexual drive found in mankind is explained by the fact that God created man and woman so that, having come from one flesh, they are strongly moved to become one flesh again. Verse 24 answers the question of why a man will forsake his own parents and cling to his wife. Monogamy is rooted in the very order of the universe as created by God. Although Moses had to alter the divine plan and permit divorce because of sin (Deut. 24:1-4), Jesus argues against divorce in the New Age on the basis of this passage in Genesis (Matt. 19:3-9), and Paul sees in the union of man and wife the highest earthly expression of the ideal relationship between Christ and his Church (Eph. 5:31-32). Marriage belongs to God's pure creation from the begin- ning. There is nothing inherently wrong in the sexual attraction of man and woman." [Charles T. Fritsch, "The Book of Genesis," The Layman's Bible Commentary II, p. 30]

"Heterosexual intercourse is much more than a union of bodies; it is a blending of complemen- tary personalities through which, in the midst of prevailing alienation, the rich created oneness of human being is experienced again. And the complementarity of male and female sexual organs is only a symbol at the physical level or a much deeper spiritual complementarity. To become one flesh, however, and experience this sacred mystery,...certain preliminaries are necessary, which are constituent parts of marriage.... Thus Scripture defines marriage in terms of heterosexual monogamy. It is the union of one man with one woman, which must be publicly acknowledged (the leaving of parents), permanently sealed (he will 'cleave to his wife') and physically consummated ('one flesh'). And Scripture envisages no other kind of marriage or sexual intercourse, for God has provided no alternative." [John Stott, Decisive Issues Facing Christians Today, p. 346]

Personal Response

7. Must I marry to please God? Aren't there times when it is better not to marry?

Matthew 19:12

Jesus lists "three categories of men who, in fact, do not marry: (1) those who are unable to do so by reason of birth defect; (2) those who are rendered incapable of marriage at the hands of others; and (3) those who choose to remain single in order to more effectively serve the kingdom of heaven..." [Garry Friesen with J. Robin Maxson, Decision Making and the Will of God, p. 287]

I Corinthians 7:7-9

"Persecution was impending. There were signs of a coming storm. The man who kept himself free from the entanglement of earthly ties would save himself from a bitter conflict: he would not have to face the terrible alternative--the most terrible to sensitive minds--between duty to God and affection to wife and children. A man who is a hero in himself becomes a coward when he thinks of his widowed wife and his orphaned children." [J. B. Lightfoot, Notes on the Epistles of St. Paul from Unpublished Commentaries, p. 231]

I Corinthians 7:26

We must always remember that we cannot please God of ourselves, but that we are perfectly pleasing to Him in Christ. Christ, having lived a spotless life in our place, died on the cross to pay for all our sins. All that Christ is--His righteousness, His completeness, even His perfect sexuality--has been imputed to everyone who believes. It is in Christ, and only in Him, that we are fully acceptable to God.

However, since we know God loves us, we want to experience what He says is right for us. To experience our heterosexual identity, all of us who are unmarried will need a period of celibacy. Homosexual activity and masturbation to homoerotic fantasy block our progress and must be dealt with. For us, celibacy is a necessary port on the voyage to freedom.

We must not, however, mistake the port for the destination. Some of us, seeing compulsive activity subdued, were tempted to slacken our struggle to build a good relationship with God and others and to work through old hurts, buried emotions, and character defects. We had come to a place where we were comfortable, and some of us were tempted to stay there.

If we are not to miss out on the blessing God has for us, we must press on to full recovery. To choose celibacy in place of healing is to settle for continued bondage and distortion. When our wounds have been healed and our heterosexuality restored, then, if called, we can joyfully and freely embrace a celibate life, not because of unresolved psychological problems, but in obed-ience to and out of love for Christ.

Let us press on in faith, not in fear. "The homosexually inclined, even if they are...willing to change, initially have serious doubts whether there are realistic chances of a profound improve- ment. There are periodically returning doubts, notwithstanding clearly observable progress... These doubts are just another variant of neurotic complaining: 'I shall never be normal; it is my fate; poor me!' Therefore, hope and faith are excellent barriers to these harmful thoughts that are a drain on the person's enthusiasm and energy.

"A realistic stand is also a good remedy for these paralyzing doubts: 'In any case, I see that I have to fight what I have recognized as childish, as wrong, and if I persist in doing so I trust that there will be progress...'

"We can establish over and over again that the one who makes the effort becomes happier. Let him not be obsessed with the question of whether or not he will reach 100 percent, but let him be content with every step forward and enjoy it. That is, after all, the mentality that appears to bring the client closest to his goal." [Gerard van den Aardweg, Homosexuality and Hope, p. 89]

Personal Response

8. What happened to spoil God's plan?

Genesis 2:16,17

"...The Bible begins and ends with a paradise. The one at the beginning of time and the other at the end of time. They both show the world as it would be if man were what God created him to be. When men are like God in their natures, then a world of peace and harmony and unend- ing joy comes into being. But this world is not a paradise... What has happened to make a world of disorder and conflict and cruelty?... The answer of the Bible...is that man deliberately chose to be something other than God intended and that, as a consequence of his choice, he found himself in a world of selfish strife..., of confusion and misunderstanding, of suffering and disaster." [David Noel Freedman and James D. Smart, God Has Spoken, p. 29]

"Concerning this prohibition, we may note (1) It was a needful prohibition. Man must be kept in remembrance that....there is another will in the universe besides his own... (2) It was but one prohibition. There was but one point in which his will and God's could come into colli- sion. In great lovingkindness God had made it so. Man was not burdened, or fretted, or perplexed with many points of this kind. Only one!... (3) It was a simple prohibition. It had nothing intricate or dark about it. There was nothing...in which man could mistake, nothing which could leave room for the question, Am I obeying or not?... (4) It was a visible prohibi- tion. It was connected with something both visible and tangible. It was not inward, but outward.... (5) It was an easy prohibition. Man could not say it was hard to keep. He was only to refrain from eating one fruit. Being a negative, not a positive requirement, it reduced obedience to its lowest form and easiest terms. Hence man's sin was the greater. He was wholly inexcusable. (6) It was enforced by a most solemn penalty.... In the day that man ate of the tree...he became a death-doomed man.... This death....brought with it, or included in it, condemnation, wrath, misery, separation from God; all endless; all immediate; all irrever- sible, had not free love come in..." [Horatius Bonar, Thoughts on Genesis, p. 79-81]

Genesis 3:1-5

"Those words were a lie, but the truly devilish lies are those...that twist the truth so that the resulting lie looks like the truth. Certainly it was true that by eating the forbidden fruit Adam attained a knowledge that he did not possess.... He had not known sin before; now he knew it.... He now knew good and evil; but, alas, he knew good only in memory..." [J. Gresham Machen, The Christian View of Man, p. 195-196]

Genesis 3:6-8

"If purified nature did not stand, how then shall corrupt nature? We need more strength to uphold us than our own.... Adam stood on his own legs, and therefore he fell; we stand in the strength of Christ." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 131-132]

Genesis 3:12

Sin corrupted man's relationship with his Maker and his mate. It left him hiding from God and blaming another, and his children have walked in his footsteps ever since.

"The breaking of man's relation to God means that the image of God in man has also been broken. This does not mean that it no longer exists, but that it has been defaced.... It has not simply gone, but it has been perverted." [Emil Brunner, Man In Revolt, p. 136]

"Sartre tells us that man owes responsibility only to himself. The Bible has another message. The mature man, the man come of age, the man of power, is responsible to God...for everything he does.... His first job on earth is not to develop himself. His first job is to serve God and his fellows. When this finally and fully happens...the earth will be a paradise, an Eden made real again. The Bible has a name for this situation: the Kingdom of God." [J. Rinzema, The Sexual Revolution, p. 37]

Genesis 5:1-3

"Adam was made in God's image, Seth in Adam's'; but Adam was no longer what he once was. It is the image of a fallen man, wrinkled and distorted with sin. 'That which is born of the flesh is flesh.'" [Horatius Bonar, Thoughts on Genesis, p. 274]

Psalm 51:5

"In the preceding verses he had confessed his actual sins; and he here humbles himself still more before God by acknowledging his innate, hereditary depravity... To this inherent, hereditary corruption he refers in the subsequent parts of the Psalm as his chief burden from which he earn- estly desired to be delivered. 'Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts; and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.... Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.'" [Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology II, p. 241-242]

Proverbs 20:9

"On September 1, 1943, Camus wrote in his journal, "He who despairs because of the news is a coward, but he who sees hope in the human condition is mad." [Herbert R. Lottman, Albert Camus: A Biography, p. 290]

"Take the happiest man, the one most envied by the world, and in nine cases out of ten his inmost consciousness is one of failure. Either his ideals in the line of his achievements are pitched far higher than the achievements themselves, or else he has secret ideals of which the world knows nothing, and in regard to which he inwardly knows himself to be found wanting." [William James in Eerdmans' Handbook to Christian Belief, p. 247]

Ecclesiastes 7:29

"I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them, on the whole, are trash." [Sigmund Freud in Gerald F. Lieberman, 3,500 Good Quotes for Speakers, p. 175]

"We would often be ashamed of our finest actions if the world understood all the motives which produced them." [Duc de La Rochefoucauld in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 340]

Romans 3:23

To come short of the glory of God means "...to come short of reflecting the glory of God, that is, of conformity to his image.... We are destitute of that perfection which is the reflection of the divine perfection and therefore of the glory of God." [John Murray, "The Epistle to the Romans," The New International Commentary on the New Testament I, p. 113]

Personal Response

9. Has God changed His plan for humanity?

Matthew 19:4,5

In Genesis 2, we see that "...God created human sexuality as a vehicle whereby men and women, created jointly in his image, could experience and express a union called 'marriage' in which all of life is shared. Note that this is the account to which Jesus appealed when he addressed these questions. From the perspective of God's intention in creation, marriage is the only context in which sexual union is to be experienced and expressed. Marriage is lifelong, faithful, heterosexual, the commitment of a husband and a wife to each other 'in heart, body and mind' that reflects something of the very nature of the triune God himself." [John Howe, Sex: Should We Change the Rules?, p. 17]

Ephesians 5:31

"One of the first things to do with the man (or woman) fearing there is no hope or healing for his deep gender confusion is to assure him that there is no such thing, strictly speaking, as a homosexual (or a lesbian). There is only a person (an awesome thing to be), created in the image of God, who is cut off from some valid part of himself. God delights in helping us find that lost part, in affirming and blessing it." [Leanne Payne, The Healing of the Homosexual, p. 1]

Personal Response

10. Does God approve of homosexuality?

Leviticus 20:13

"...The words 'as with a woman' clearly suggest that what is all right for a man to do with a woman is not all right for him to do with another man. If we read prostitution into the passage we make it say that homosexual prostitution is forbidden, but heterosexual prostitution is per- missible. If we read rape into the passage we make it say that homosexual rape is forbidden, but heterosexual rape is not. Of course, Scripture speaks decisively against both prostitution and rape. These verses say that what is permitted between the sexes in marriage is not permitted between members of the same sex." [John Howe, Sex: Should We Change the Rules?, p. 31]

"...All the capital offenses listed in Leviticus 20 have to do with sex outside marriage, including homosexual activity. The others include adultery, incest and bestiality." [ibid., p. 32]

"As to the...death penalty, it has already been served in Christ." [Ed Hurst with Dave and Neta Jackson, Overcoming Homosexuality, p. 23]

Romans 1:26,27

By "natural" and "against nature" "...Paul clearly means 'in accordance with the intention of the Creator' and 'contrary to the intention of the Creator'..." [C. E. B. Cranfield, "A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Epistle to the Romans," International Critical Commentary I, p. 125]

Consider the medical evidence. Dr. Bernard J. Klamecki, a graduate of the Marquette Univer-sity School of Medicine and a physician and surgeon specializing in proctology, writes, "The lining of the mouth cavity and rectum was not designed to be conducive to the traumatic, on- going push/pull motion of sodomy or fellatio. In contrast, the lining of the vagina is composed of cells that lubricate themselves and are resistant to the mechanical forces of intercourse. Persistent rubbing easily abrades, breaks down, or injures the tissues of the mouth and rectum." [The Crisis of Homosexuality, p. 119]

Consider the historical evidence. Dr. Armand M. Nicholi, who served on the faculty of Harvard Medical School's Department of Psychiatry, noted, "'No society, past or present, has ever tolerated the institutionalization of homosexuality, for to do so would be to sow the seeds for its own extinction because homosexuality undermines the basic unit of society--the family --and of course precludes procreation, which means the extinction of the human race.' Accord-ing to Nicholi, the claim that homosexuality is an irreversible condition is patently untrue and flies in the face of a massive body of clinical research." [John Jefferson Davis, Evangelical Ethics, p. 112]

Consider the psychological evidence. Dr. Irving Bieber and his research team of 77 analysts, each a member of the Society of Medical Psychoanalysts, provided information on two patient samples consisting of 106 male homosexuals and a comparison group of 100 male heterosexuals. After nine years of careful study they concluded, "In our view, every homosexual is, in reality, a 'latent' heterosexual..." [Homosexuality, p. 220] They found that "almost one-half of the homosexuals...reported erotic heterosexual dreams, in contrast to 25 per cent of the compar- isons with homosexual dream-content. Clearly...the homosexuals showed no exclusive interest in males in their dream-life. It is also noteworthy that there were twice as many homosexuals who had heterosexual dreams as heterosexuals who had homosexual dreams." [ibid., p. 222] "The foregoing data indicate that male homosexuals give evidence of a basic heterosexual poten- tial--most clearly discernible in the bisexual but also evident in exclusively homosexual patients..." [ibid., p. 228] Drs. Louis S. London and Frank S. Caprio state, "Psychoanalysis has proved that all homosexuals have shown heterosexual tendencies in early life." [Sexual Deviations, p. 40]

Thus, deeper than our homosexual feelings, which deceive us, is the bedrock of our God-given heterosexuality which will become "visible to us in God's good time" as we clear away the debris of childhood hurts and losses.

I Timothy 1:8-10

"The lawless were those who lived as though there were no law; the unruly were those who had thrown off every form of discipline; the ungodly were those who had lost all reverence for God; the sinners were those who had defied God as open rebels; the unholy were those for whom nothing was sacred; the profane were those who would barter spiritual birthrights for a mess of pottage." [Marcus L. Loane, Godliness and Contentment, p. 9]

If one engages in homosexual behavior, Scripture classifies him or her with the lawless, the unruly, sinners, and the profane, for such practices are, Paul teaches, contrary to the sound doctrine of the gospel.

As William Muehl states, "Both Old and New Testaments condemn homosexuality. Any effort to make a case to the contrary involves the kind of torturing of Scripture by which racists seek to defend segregation..." [Male and Female, p. 167]

It is important to remember that the passages we have considered are not expressions of contempt, but strong warnings from a concerned Father to His endangered children. Dr. Arno Karlen notes, "No one knows better than homosexuals that gay is a euphemism. There is a squalid side of the life--lavatory gropings, prostitution, rampant venereal disease, play-acting, promiscuity, mercurial and crisis-ridden romances, abuse of alcohol and drugs, guilt, suicide. Almost all homosexuals except gay militants have said to me that the causes are as much inherent in homosexuality as in the anti-homosexuality of the rest of society. The gay world has a bruising, predatory quality that gives many in it a far grimmer view than their heterosexual sympathizers hold." [The Sociology of Sex, p. 232-233]

Two gay men themselves describe the lifestyle thusly: "Numerous psychologists, sociologists, and men of letters have written at great length on the aloneness of man in today's impersonal mechanized world of gadgets, technology, and scientific management. The homosexual is perhaps even more alone because of...his homosexuality... He needs a life mate even more desperately, he feels, because of his increased need for communication with others like himself, so that he need not feel so lonely. As a result, he searches assiduously for the ideal type of person, who, he imagines, might help put an end to his problem and his search. He may not be a drinker, but he goes to gay bars, cruises the streets, and makes regular appearances at other places where homosexuals congregate, in hopes of meeting his ideal type. Each passing sexual encounter is hoped to be the 'one and only,' but numerous short-lived affairs are usually the result. Time goes by. Years pass. The attractiveness of youth fades. The muscles become flabby. Gray hair increases. Bald spots appear. The affairs continue. As the man gets older, he must work harder to coax others to take an interest in him. If this fails, there is the despair of old age, to be ended only by the inevitability of death." [Donald Webster Cory and John P. LeRoy, The Homosexual and His Society: A View From Within, p. 19]

Another homosexual writer says: "There is...the panic that one day you'll wake up to the fact that you're through...--that everyone has had you, that those who haven't have lost interest--that you've been replaced by the fresher faces...--younger than you now...and....someone will say about you: 'I had him when he was young and pretty.'" [John Rechy, City of Night, p. 159]

A newspaper editor in his mid-sixties says, "Regarding my sex life, I put zero effort into the chase. I am not interested in pursuing paths that inevitably lead to rejection. And ninety-nine out of a hundred times, the older man is rejected sexually--not only by the young, but by the old. We are the discards, wanted by few and feared by many." [in Alan Ebert, The Homosexu-als, p. 309]

"Homosexuals themselves, despite expressions of contentment with being homosexual, almost all say...that if they had children they wouldn't want them to be homosexual. Martin Weinberg says that most of the homosexuals he interviewed emphatically agreed with the line in the play The Boys in the Band, 'Show me a happy homosexual and I'll show you a gay corpse.'... It makes little sense to see homosexuality other than as a compulsion." [Arno Karlen, Sexuality and Homosexuality, p. 532]

God has spoken in love to spare us all that. Further, God has spoken to keep us from missing our true identity and the possibility of the blessings of marriage and children. We are not shut up to facing life alone or living in ways contrary to God's will. We may choose to heed God's call to rediscover our God-ordained heterosexuality through Jesus Christ by faith!

Personal Response

11. What has been done to restore God's image in humanity?

Acts 3:26

"The highest standard God has is Himself, and it is up to God to make a man as good as He is Himself; and it is up to me to let Him do it." [Oswald Chambers, The Shadow of an Agony, p. 23]

Titus 2:11-14

"Every homosexual has experienced some emotional deprivation that has driven him to seek sexual experiences with the same sex. He thinks that the word homosexual is a fundamental description of his personal identity, that it represents who he really is. But the moment a person becomes a Christian, he receives a new identity in Christ.... Rather than being in Adam as all unbelievers are, the Christian who struggles with homosexuality is now 'in Christ,' with all rights and privileges that accompany such a change. The key to overcoming any sin is for us to disbelieve what our emotions and thoughts tell us and to believe what God has said about us. Only such faith can take the victory of Christ and enforce it in our lives." [Erwin W. Lutzer, Coming to Grips with Homosexuality, p. 38-39]

I John 3:5

"He buys them off from Satan's bondage with the price of His own blood, in order that He may have a band of sons and daughters who will yield themselves willing instruments unto Him, for His work of righteousness in the world. He redeems them from their sin, that He may employ them in His...service." [William Arnot, Lesser Parables of Our Lord, p. 252]

Personal Response

12. How can God's image be restored in my life?

II Corinthians 5:21

"There is no sentence more profound in the whole of Scripture..." [Philip Edgcumbe Hughes, "Paul's Second Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 211]

Martin Luther wrote a friend, "I would be very glad to know...what is the state of your soul. Is it not tired of its own righteousness? does it not breathe freely at last, and does it not confide in the righteousness of Christ? In our days, pride seduces many, and especially those who labor with all their might to become righteous. Not understanding the righteousness of God that is given freely in Christ Jesus, they wish to stand before Him on their own merits. But that cannot be.... Oh, my dear brother, learn to know Christ, and him crucified. Learn to sing unto him a new song, to despair of yourself, and to say to him: Thou, Lord Jesus Christ, art my right- eousness, and I am thy sin. Thou hast taken what was mine, and hast given me what was thine. What thou wast not, thou didst become, in order that I might become what I was not!--Beware of pretending to such purity as no longer to confess yourself a sinner: for Christ dwells only with sinners.... If our labors and afflictions could give peace to the conscience, why should Christ have died? You will not find peace, save in him, by despairing of yourself and of your works, and in learning with what love he opens his arms to you, taking all your sins upon him- self, and giving thee all his righteousness." [J. H. Merle D'Aubigne, History of the Reforma- tion of the Sixteenth Century, p. 76]

II Corinthians 3:18

"In the old dispensation only one man, Moses, gazed with unveiled face on the divine glory. Now, in the gospel age...this is the blessed privilege of all who are Christ's.... To gaze by faith into the gospel is to behold Christ who...is...'the image of God' (4:4).... And to contemplate Him who is the Father's image is progressively to be transformed into that image." [Philip Edgcumbe Hughes, "Paul's Second Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commen- tary on the New Testament, p. 117-118]

"Immediate deliverance is only from the guilt of sin; there is progressive deliverance from the power of sin; but total deliverance will not come till the next world, when this body of ours is finally redeemed, for then its bias towards sin will vanish..., and so will its mortality and infirmity and tendency to disease." [Alex Davidson, The Returns of Love, p. 87-88]

I John 3:2

"...God's eternal purpose concerning man....finds expression in Gen. I.26, where God.... declares His intention of bringing into existence beings...as like Himself as it is possible for creatures to be like their Creator.... But Genesis 3 tells how man, not content with the true likeness to God which was his by creation, grasped at the counterfeit likeness held out as the tempter's bait: 'you shall be like God, knowing good and evil'. In consequence, things most unlike God manifested themselves in human life... The image of God in man was sadly defaced. Yet God's purpose was not frustrated... In the fullness of time the image of God, undefaced by disobedience..., reappeared on earth in the person of His Son.... With His cruci- fixion it seemed that hatred, darkness and death had won the day... But instead, the cross of Jesus proved to be God's chosen instrument for the fulfillment of His purpose.... The last Adam by His obedience has restored what the first Adam by his disobedience forfeited and has ensured the triumph of God's purpose.... The children of God, who enter His family through faith in His Son, display their Father's likeness, because of their conformity to Him who is the perfect image of the invisible God. They display it in measure here and now; they will display it fully on a coming day, for 'we know that, if he shall be manifested, we shall be like him; for we shall see him even as he is'." [F. F. Bruce, The Epistles of John, p. 85-87]

"In justification through faith into Christ the sinner is accepted in Christ...who Himself is the pure and perfect Image of God, and that divine image is freely imputed to the believer. In sanctification, through the operation of the Holy Spirit who enables the believer constantly to behold the glory of the Lord, that image is increasingly imparted to the Christian. In glori- fication, justification and sanctification become complete in one, for that image is then finally impressed upon the redeemed in unobscured fullness, to the glory of God throughout eternity." [Philip Edgcumbe Hughes, "Paul's Second Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 120]

These truths hit some of us like a bombshell! We had believed there was no hope and had fallen into a 'victim' mentality, complaining bitterly, "This is what my genes, my hormones, my parents, society, or God has made me." We felt we were homosexual and nothing could be done about it.

Now we saw in God's own Word that we were mistaken. God did not make anyone homosex-ual. "An enemy hath done this" (Matthew 13:28). Satan has tried to spoil God's good plans for us. We are part of God's heterosexual creation but sin has given us a homosexual struggle. Still, deeper than our homosexuality, is the heterosexuality God gave us in creation.

Further, God has intervened in Jesus Christ to "destroy the works of the devil" (I John 3:8) and "to set at liberty them that are bruised" (Luke 4:18). Christ has come to restore to us the image of God which sin defaced. He has broken sin's power to condemn and to rule. The question is, will we fall back into our old, easy, destructive ways of thinking and living, or will we take the difficult but rewarding path of responding to God in faith.

Our position is like that of the children of Israel when poised on the brink of the promised land. They could possess it by faith or lose it through unbelief. The God who promised them the land has promised us freedom, if we will take by faith (II Timothy 2:24-26). Unbelief murmurs, "We be not able..." (Numbers 13:31), but faith cries, "We are well able.... The Lord is with us: fear...not" (Numbers 13:30; 14:9). Which voice will you heed? "According to your faith be it unto you" (Matthew 9:29).

Personal Response

13. What must I do to enjoy these blessings?

Christ can only be perceived by faith. Our recovery is determined by the way in which our faith perceives Him. Unbelievers, the Bible says, are blind, deaf, and dead in trespasses and sins. As we trust in Christ, the scales fall from our eyes, our ears are opened so that we hear His voice, and we are raised from death to life. We make contact with Him. Now we must go forward, no longer trusting in our feelings or thoughts, but living under the guidance of God's Word. A weak faith produces a weak recovery; a distorted faith, a distorted recovery. Test your faith by the plumb line of Scripture. Our Savior says, "According to your faith be it unto you" (Matthew 9:29).

Mark 9:23

It is for us as it was with Israel. We must take what God has promised. During the process we too will be tempted to doubt and despair. Only the Word of God, received in faith, will give us the strength and courage to keep at it until all God has promised is ours.

Romans 8:32

"Mercy more overflows in God, than sin in us.... Mercy swims to us through Christ's blood." [Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, p. 73]

Hebrews 11:1

The choice for most of us is simply whether we will believe what we feel or what God says! We know our feelings have misled us many times in the past. We know God cannot lie! The choice seems simple.

When temptation is strong, however, we may find the choice difficult because our feelings seem powerful and our faith pitiful! It is then that God calls us to "fight the good fight of faith" (I Timothy 6:12)--to close our hearts to every voice but His and to go forward at His word (Luke 5:5). To do so often involves painful struggle, but it is struggle which issues in present comfort and certain triumph! "Faith brings the fullness of the future into the poverty of the present." [Erich Sauer, The Triumph of the Crucified, p. 96] "Faith...is...an act that bids eternal truth be present fact." [Vance Havner, Day By Day, p. 147]

"Don Quixote, Cervantes' sad figure of a knight, met a young prostitute in a village cafe. The people in the village treated this young woman as a common whore... But Quixote treated her like a lady, and told her she was in fact a noble lady. She became Don Quixote's Dulcinea. What he did was to appeal to the noble woman who really lay hidden in the prostitute's inner self. She saw in his loving and respect-filled eyes an image of her real self...and so she began to act nobly; the prostitute became a lady, the whore became a Dulcinea." [J. Rinzema, The Sexual Revolution, p. 72-73]

God has told us the truth about ourselves. Will we believe Him and discover our true nature, or will we doubt, and miss reality?

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 6

Step 6 has been, for me, the most difficult of all. It was easier for me to renounce the lie than it was to embrace the truth. It is still easier to say, "I am not homosexual," than it is to say, "I am heterosexual." It may be because of the embarrassment and secrecy which surrounded sexual matters in my childhood or my inability to relate well sexually when I was married. Whatever the cause or causes, this step, for me, is tough.

However, when the Bible asks, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Genesis 18:14), it expects a resounding "No!" Further, Jesus Christ has assured us that "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). It may be difficult, it may take time, but when God says, "This is the way, walk ye in it..." (Isaiah 30:21), there is no excuse not to press on. So what am I doing?

I am acknowledging to my heavenly Father my powerlessness to produce heterosexual responses. I am not trying to force such responses, but I am trusting God to produce them at the proper time, as I follow Him. After working the program about four years, I had my first spontaneous heterosexual response. I emphasize the word spontaneous because I believe it is a mistake to try to manufacture such feelings and urge you to just work your program and look in faith to God. My heterosexual feelings have continued. They come and go, and I still have minor homosexual feelings on occasion, but God is at work and I am waiting patiently for Him.

I am trying to keep God's love for and acceptance of me in Christ continually before my mind. I do not have to rediscover my heterosexual identity to be saved or gain God's approval. He has imputed to me the righteousness (including the perfect heterosexuality) of Christ and that is what He sees as He looks on me. He does not put me under any pressure, but gently, lovingly, patiently encourages each faltering step I take toward what He knows is my real identity and true happiness.

I have committed myself to God and am looking in faith to His Word to show me what I was meant to be. There I find that distorted heterosexuality is just as much a deviation from God's norm as is homosexuality. The true heterosexuality I see in Christ saves me from the folly of trying to measure up to the false notions of a fallen culture. God's Word is a plumb line which enables me to know when what I feel or lack in feeling is a lie. It is a compass that guides me through my times of emotional storm. It is an anchor which keeps me from running onto the rocks when temptation assaults.

I endeavor to regularly praise God for the heterosexuality He has imputed to me in Christ, is slowly working in me by His Word and Spirit, and will make perfectly mine one day in glory.

I am working to renounce my perfectionistic tendencies to see things in an all or nothing perspective. I am learning to be grateful for progress and not to despair when old feelings remind me that I have not yet arrived.

I do praise God for the progress I see. I rejoice in the more manly responses to life situations (such as new assertiveness) that are growing in me, and I encourage myself in the faith that they are the first fruits of a greater harvest yet to come.

I faithfully attend HA every week to encourage my faith, stimulate my working the steps, and help meet my emotional needs for love and caring. I also work on building friendships with those (especially Christians) who have never experienced a homosexual struggle, not only to help meet my emotional needs, but to give me further insight into what heterosexuality is, so that I may have a clearer idea of what I am seeking to experience, how much progress I am making, and how far I still have to go.

From all this, it should be obvious that I make no claim to spiritual perfection. I can, however, tell you I have seen real progress! I am not where I want to be, but I have come a long way from where I was. Do not let the fact that I am still in process discourage you. We must be honest with each other, not only in sharing our victories, but also in sharing the difficulties along the way. For myself, I have determined to continue on in company with my fellow-strugglers till we all come to "the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ" (Ephesians 4:13). How about you?

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 6

1) Write your thoughts on what heterosexuality means in your journal. Remember that heterosexuality does not necessarily involve getting married or having children (Christ did neither and people involved in homosexuality have done both). Rather, heterosexuality involves a personal acceptance of yourself and your gender and the ability to accept and relate to persons of the other sex in healthy ways. If you have believing, heterosexual friends who are aware of your struggle, ask for their thoughts on the subject in general and what you have written in particular. Try to correct your ideas and those of others by Scripture. Share what you have found with your step coach and ask for feedback. Con- tinue refining your thoughts and refer to what you have written from time to time to see where you are, where you are heading, and what progress you are making.

2) Listen to the tape Will the Real Me Please Stand Up? under "STEPS 5 AND 6" in the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read the brochure The Bible and Homosexuality under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read in Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 7. Continue reading the book your step coach recommended to help you with Steps 1-7 while continuing to work in your workbook. Journal what you learn from all this and share your findings with your step coach.

3) Meditate on one description of your standing in Christ in the brochure Who Am I In Christ? each day and praise God for it and as much of what it involves as you understand.

4) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;

He plants His footsteps in the sea,

And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines

Of never-failing skill

He treasures up His bright designs,

And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;

The clouds ye so much dread

Are big with mercy and shall break

In blessing on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,

But trust Him for His grace;

Behind a frowning providence

He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,

Unfolding every hour;

The bud may have a bitter taste,

But sweet will be the flow'r.

Blind unbelief if sure to err,

And scan His work in vain;

God is His own interpreter,

And He will make it plain.

--

William Cowper STEP 7

We resolved to entrust our lives to our loving God

and to live by faith,

praising Him for our new unseen identity,

confident that it would become visible to us in God's good time.

Gordon Dalbey writes, "Neither the liberal nor conservative view regarding homosexuality serves the healing purposes of God.... The conservative temptation simply to condemn and reject the homosexual...not only hinders his healing, it exacerbates his problem. ...The liberal effort to excuse his actions...only hinders the homosexual's healing process, which requires that he accept responsibility for his actions.... To celebrate a homosexual's 'free choice' is as counter-productive as to condemn it. For a little boy simply does not have 'free choice' regarding the emotion of his parents or the inherent ungodliness of the world into which he is born....

"The homosexual, meanwhile, may declare, 'What I'm doing can't be a sin, because I was born that way!' Yet the biblical faith understands that all of us are born into sin, and are unable by our own natural power to fulfill God's will for our lives. The Good News of our faith is...that the inborn brokenness of our human nature has been overcome and redeemed by Jesus, that the power to walk in His victory is accessible to those who surrender their lives to Him....

"It is not a sin to be born of a...distant father, nor to have consequent homosexual fantasies. It is a sin to refuse to surrender yourself to Jesus and let God begin to shape you into His image as a man." [Gordon Dalbey, Healing the Masculine Soul, p. 105-107]

We have seen that in spite of our helplessness and emotional turmoil, God loves us, forgives us, and accepts us, and is willing to bring good out of all our trouble. He has broken the power of homosexuality at the cross. The idea that we are homosexual and can never change is a lie! God created us heterosexual. While sin has distorted His image in us, Christ died to redeem us from all iniquity and to restore us to God's image and the liberty God wants for all His children. God is for us! We have solid hope!

To enter into all of this, we must work through certain questions: Will we entrust our lives into those hands that were pierced for us? Will we commit ourselves to doing His will rather than our own? Are we ready to trust His guidance rather than our own ideas of what is best for us?

If we have acknowledged that our lives have been "unmanageable," we must have realized that they have been under the wrong management. Now we learn how to give them over to the only One who can properly manage them. We may have tried to entrust our lives to Him before and failed. We may have entrusted them to Him at one time and taken them back. Whatever may have gone wrong before, now we seek a life of faith that brings the freedom promised us in Christ as we walk with Him.

1. How important is faith for me?

Ezekiel 33:11

"The only reason people are going to hell is because all life long they have told God that they can live just fine without Him. On the judgment day God will say, 'Based on your own decision to live life separately from Me, you will spend eternity separate from Me.' That's hell. God will not violate our will. If all life long we have said, 'My will be done,' then on the day of judgment God will say to you, 'your will be done for eternity.' G. K. Chesterton put it this way: 'Hell is God's great compliment to the reality of human freedom and the dignity of human choice.'" [Cliffe Knechtle, Give Me an Answer, p. 42]

John 8:24

"It has been said that earth is as close as a person who rejects God will ever get to heaven, and as close as a person who knows God will ever get to hell." [R. Scott Richards, Myths the World Taught Me, p. 59]

Hebrews 11:6

"As so much prominence is assigned to faith in the Scriptures, as all the promises of God are addressed to believers, and as all the conscious exercises of spiritual life involve the exercise of faith, without which they are impossible, the importance of this grace cannot be overestimated." [Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology III, p. 41]

Personal Response

2. What am I to believe in?

Psalm 18:2

"If I had my life to live over again, I would just believe God." [Henrietta C. Mears, Thoughts For All Seasons, p. 9]

Psalm 40:4

"Some years ago at a dinner party I found myself seated beside a brilliant young woman. There was a religious discussion, at the close of which she thought to sum matters up in these words: 'My guess is as good as your guess.' Well, I did not dispute it. I had no reason to be proud of my powers of guessing. For all I knew, her guess might be better than my guess. But her guess was not so good as my knowledge; and that I can say in all sincerity because I can recall a time when I sat exactly where she sat--guessing, speculating, balancing intellectual probabil- ities. I could have serene faith, so it seemed to me, if only...questions were answered which weren't answered. But certitude is not getting one's questions answered. It is something differ- ent, something more.... It does not come as the result and reward of a process of reasoning. It springs from a relationship." [John Henry Strong, A Man Can Know God, p. 2]

John 14:6

"...Mark...what glorious names the Lord Jesus gives to Himself. He says, 'I am the way, the truth and the life.'... Christ is 'the way,'--the way to heaven and peace with God. He is not only the guide, and teacher, and lawgiver, like Moses; He is Himself the door, the ladder, and the road through whom we must draw near to God.... Through His blood we may draw near with boldness, and have access with confidence into God's presence. (Ephes. iii.12.) Christ is 'the truth'... Without Him the wisest heathen groped in gross darkness and knew nothing rightly about God. Before He came even the Jews...discerned nothing distinctly under the types, figures, and ceremonies of the Mosaic law. Christ is the whole truth, and meets and satisfies every desire of the human mind. Christ is 'the life,'--the sinner's title to eternal life and pardon, the believer's root of spiritual life and holiness, the surety of the Christian's resur- rection life. He that abideth in Him, as the branch abides in the vine, shall bring forth much fruit. He that believeth on Him, though he were dead, yet shall he live." [J. C. Ryle, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels II, p. 287-288]

Acts 16:31

"Put yourself in those pierced and bleeding hands, and know yourself forever secure." [W. E. Sangster, They Met At Calvary: Were You There...?, p. 105]

Romans 3:25

"Faith, for Paul, means taking God at his word in Christ. It is the complete response of the soul to the good news of God embodied in Christ. Such faith is directed not to a proposition but to a person--sometimes God, oftener Christ, the living Christ with the virtue of his atoning death in him. It is not only an act but an attitude--the attitude of a whole life (Gal 2:20) and where it is true faith, it is a creative ethical force: faith 'works through "love"', and a faith which does not so express itself is a sham..." [A. M. Hunter, "Romans," Torch Bible Commentaries, p. 29-30]

I John 5:9-12

"There could hardly be a more distinct statement of the Scriptural doctrine as to the nature of faith. Its object is what God has revealed. Its ground is the testimony of God. To receive that testimony is to set our seal that God is true. To reject it is to make God a liar." [Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology III, p. 66]

"We all accept human testimony. Otherwise we would not be able to sign a contract, write a check, buy a ticket, ride a bus or do any of the thousands of other things that constitute daily living. 'Well then,' says John, 'why should we not believe God whose word alone is entirely trustworthy?...' Certainty also comes in a second way. Those who believe God have an internal assurance that what they have believed is trustworthy." [James Montgomery Boice, Foundations of the Christian Faith, p. 433] Theologians call this internal assurance the internal testimony of the Holy Spirit.

Personal Response

3. Must there be some knowledge before there can be true faith?

Romans 10:13,14

"Faith need not be a hopeless leap into the dark. True biblical faith is a step into the light. In the light of God's truth we can discover who we are, why we are here, and where we are going. We can encounter the fullness of life the Father has wanted for us all along." [R. Scott Richards, Myths the World Taught Me, p. 23]

"Scripture knowledge is the candle without which faith cannot see to do its work." [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 176]

Romans 10:17

"The Bible everywhere teaches that without knowledge there can be no faith.... On this principle the Apostles acted everywhere. They went abroad preaching Christ, proving from the Scriptures that He was the Son of God and Savior of the world. The communication of know- ledge always preceded the demand for faith." [Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology III, p. 86]

"Knowledge carries the torch of faith.... True faith...knows whom it believes, and why it believes. Faith is seated as well in the understanding as in the will. It has an eye to see Christ, as well as a wing to fly to him." [Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, p. 203]

II Thessalonians 2:13,14

"In our ordinary human relations do we trust a person of whom we know nothing? Especially when that for which we trust him is of grave importance for us, we must know a great deal regarding his identity and his character. How much more must this be the case with the faith which is directed to Christ; for it is faith against all the issues of life and death, of time and eternity. We must know who Christ is, what he has done, and what he is able to do." [John Murray, Redemption: Accomplished and Applied, p. 110]

Personal Response

4. What is faith?

Psalm 36:7

"Where can we rest our faith but upon God's faithfulness?" [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 101]

Psalm 62:8

"The...constituents of faith may be illustrated from the thought, feeling, and action of a person who stands by a boat, upon a little island which the rising stream threatens to submerge. He first regards the boat from a purely intellectual point of view,--it is merely an actually existing boat. As the stream rises, he looks at it, secondly, with some accession of emotion,--his pro- spective danger awakens in him the conviction that it is a good boat for a time of need, though he is not yet ready to make use of it. But, thirdly, when he feels that the rushing tide must otherwise sweep him away, a volitional element is added,--he gets into the boat, trusts himself to it, accepts it as his present, and only, means of safety. Only this last faith in the boat is faith that saves, although this last includes both the preceding." [Augustus H. Strong, Systema- tic Theology, p. 839]

John 3:36

"Faith means abandoning all trust in one's own resources. Faith means casting oneself unreservedly on the mercy of God. Faith means laying hold on the promises of God in Christ, relying entirely on the finished work of Christ for salvation, and on the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit of God for daily strength." [Leon Morris, "Faith," The New Bible Dictionary, p. 368]

"Faith is knowledge passing into conviction, and it is conviction passing into confidence. Faith cannot stop short of self-commitment to Christ, a transference of reliance upon ourselves and all human resources to reliance upon Christ alone for salvation.... Faith...is not belief of propositions...respecting the Savior, however essential an ingredient of faith such belief is. Faith is trust in a person, the person of Christ, the Son of God and Savior of the lost. It is entrustment of ourselves to him. It is not simply believing him; it is believing in him and on him." [John Murray, Redemption: Accomplished and Applied, p. 111-112]

I Timothy 6:17

"...Faith is the empty hand of the soul..." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 455]

Personal Response

5. How do I begin a life of faith?

John 1:12

The agnostic Gamaliel Bradford wrote, "The simple fact is, that, if God does not exist, the universe is but a wilderness of barren horror. If He does exist, life should be but one long effort to know Him and be at one with Him. Separation from His is the most terrible punish- ment the mind can conceive." [D. L. Moody: A Worker in Souls, p. 304]

Acts 2:21

"...Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car." [Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 109]

Revelation 3:20

"If Shakespeare were in you, what poetry you could write! If Beethoven were in you, what music you could compose! If Christ were in you, what a life you could live! If? There need be no if about it. You can't have an indwelling Shakespeare or Beethoven. You can have an indwelling Christ. You can say with Paul, 'I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me.'" [James S. Stewart, The Strong Name, p. 67]

Personal Response

6. What attitude of heart comes with faith?

Mark 1:14,15

"Let no one imagine that he will lose anything of human dignity by this voluntary sell-out...to his God. He does not by this degrade himself as a man; rather he finds his right place of high honor as one made in the image of his Creator. His deep disgrace lay in his moral derangement, his unnatural usurpation of the place of God. His honor will be proved by restoring again that stolen throne. In exalting God over all he finds his own highest honor upheld." [A. W. Tozer, A Treasury of A. W. Tozer, p. 108]

"'I thank thee, Lord, for forgiving me, but I prefer staying in the darkness: forgive me that too.' --'No; that cannot be. The one thing that cannot be forgiven is the sin of choosing to be evil, of refusing deliverance. It is impossible to forgive that. It would be to take part in it.'" [George MacDonald: 365 Readings, p. 93]

Luke 13:5

"...Man....tried to set up on his own, to behave as if he belonged to himself. In other words, fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms. Laying down your arms, surrendering, saying you are sorry, realizing that you have been on the wrong track and getting ready to start life over again from the ground floor--that is the only way out... This process of surrender--this movement full speed astern-- is what Christians call repentance. Now repentance is no fun at all.... It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years. It means...undergoing a kind of death.... This repentance...is not something God demands of you before He will take you back and which He could simply let you off if He chose: it is simply a description of what going back to Him is like. If you ask God to take you back with- out it, you are really asking Him to let you go back without going back. It cannot happen." [C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, p. 49]

Acts 3:19

"...Repentance is the tear in the eye of faith." [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 98]

"We should repent of what we have been, but rejoice in what we may be." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXII, (1886), p. 337]

Acts 17:30

"Saint Augustine once said that God is always trying to give good things to us, but our hands are too full to receive them." [Gerald May, Addiction and Grace, p. 17]

Some refuse to repent saying "we know ourselves...too well to promise...much to God! ...That is bad theology. It is also bad spirituality. For God calls us to promise ourselves to Him in a lifelong commitment of faithfulness and obedience. He does not regard our failure...as a becoming modesty, or an understandable reticence. He has other names for it: disobedience, disloyalty..., faithlessness." [Sinclair B. Ferguson, A Heart for God, p. 164]

Acts 20:21

While it is true that the faith with which we believe must be a repentant faith, it is also true that the repentance with which we turn to Christ must be a believing repentance. George Whitfield taught that even the tears of our repentance need to be washed in the blood of Christ, and Robert Murray McCheyne urged his hearers to take one hundred looks at Christ for every look they took at themselves. The gospel calls men out of themselves unto Christ!

Personal Response

7. Why is it sometimes difficult to believe?

John 3:18-21

Unbelievers have sometimes been quite candid about the reasons for their unbelief. Aldous Huxley wrote, "I had motives for not wanting the world to have a meaning; consequently assumed that it had none, and was able without any difficulty to find satisfying reasons for this assumption. The philosopher who finds no meaning in the world is not concerned exclusively with a problem in pure metaphysics, he is also concerned to prove that there is no valid reason why he personally should not do as he wants to do.... For myself, the philosophy of meaning- lessness was essentially an instrument of liberation, sexual and political." [Aldous Huxley, Ends and Means, p. 270ff]

"Choose well! Your choice is brief, yet endless." [Andrew W. Blackwood, Preaching From the Bible, p. 70]

John 5:44

"People often ask, 'If Christianity is true, why do the majority of intelligent people not believe it?' The answer is precisely the same as the reason the majority of unintelligent people don't believe it. They don't want to because they're unwilling to accept the moral demands it would make on their lives." [Paul Little, How To Give Away Your Faith, p. 81]

John 7:16,17

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried." [G. K. Chesterton in The Portable Curmudgeon, p. 66]

Hebrews 3:12

"The 'unbelieving heart' mentioned here is not a heart that has not yet come to belief, but a heart that departs from belief, 'a heart not firm in faith' (Aquinas), the evil nature of which is displayed in an act of wilful apostasy. It is not a question of a quasi-passive falling away (as our version might seem to suggest), but of a deliberate, rebellious secession from the living God (cf. NEB, 'wicked, faithless, heart of a deserter'; JB, 'a wicked mind, so unbelieving as to turn away from the living God').... To forsake the living God is always to fall into idolatry. Not that the recipients of this letter were in danger of transferring their worship to images of wood and stone: the constructions of human philosophy and speculation are no less idols, man-made and powerless to save. The essence of all idolatry, whether primitive or sophisticated, is the abandonment of the truth about God for a lie and the worship and service of the creature rather than the Creator (Rom. 1:25).... And, as Peter Lombard observes, 'to depart from him is to forfeit life, because in him alone is life.'" [Philip Edgcumbe Hughes, Commentary on the Epistle to the Hebrews, p. 145-146]

Personal Response

8. Will I need God's help to believe?

John 6:44

"Until the Father draws the heart of man by His grace, man will not believe.... His inability is not physical, but moral. It would not be true to say that a man has a real...desire to come to Christ, but no power to come. It would be far more true to say that a man has no power to come because he has no desire or wish.--It is not true that he would come if he could. It is true that he could come if he would.--The corrupt will,--the secret disinclination,--the want of heart, are the real causes of unbelief.... The power that we want is a new will. It is precisely at this point that we need the 'drawing' of the Father." [J. C. Ryle, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels I, p. 383-384]

There are several truths taught in the Bible that we must remember as we consider this verse:

"(a) We must never suppose that the doctrine of this verse takes away man's responsibility and accountableness to God for his soul. On the contrary, the Bible always distinctly declares that if any man is lost, it is his own fault. He 'loses his own soul.' (Mark viii.36.)...

"(b) We must not allow the doctrine of this verse to make us limit or narrow the offer of salvation to sinners. On the contrary, we must hold firmly that pardon and peace are to be offered freely through Christ to every man and woman without exception. We never know who they are that God will draw... Our duty is to invite all...

"(c) We must not suppose that we, or anybody else, are drawn, unless we come to Christ by faith. This is the grand mark and evidence of any one being the subject of the Father's drawing work. If 'drawn' he comes to Christ, believes, and loves. Where there is no faith and love, there may be talk, self-conceit...., but there is no 'drawing of the Father.

"(d) We must always remember that God ordinarily works by means, and specially by such means as He Himself has appointed.... We cannot pretend to explain why some are drawn and others are not drawn. Nevertheless, we must carefully maintain the great principle that God ordinarily draws through the instrumentality of His Word. The man that neglects the public preaching and private reading of God's Word has no right to expect that God will draw him. The thing is possible, but highly improbable.

"(e) We must never...waste time in trying to find out...whether we are drawn of God the Father. The first and indeed the main question we have to do with is, whether we have come to Christ by faith. If we have, let us take comfort and be thankful. None come to Him unless they are drawn.

"Augustine remarks: 'If thou dost not desire to err, do not seek to determine whom God draws, and whom He does not draw; nor why He draws one man and not another. But if thou thyself art not drawn by God, pray to Him that thou mayest be drawn.'" [ibid., p. 390-391]

I Corinthians 2:14

"You might as well try to describe a sunset to a blind man, play music to a deaf man, talk to a dead man, as to discuss the deep things of God with an unconverted sinner.... We might as well try to catch sunbeams with a fishhook or talk nuclear physics with a monument in a city park. The most erudite Ph.D. cannot take it in any better than a hillbilly; it is casting pearls before swine. As far as spiritual realities are concerned, a man who has not been born again is blind and can't see, deaf and can't hear, dead and can't feel." [Vance Havner, Pepper 'N Salt, p. 27]

II Corinthians 4:3-6

"It is here taught, (1.) That wherever and whenever Christ is preached, the evidence of his divinity is presented. The glory of God shines in his face. (2.) That if any man fails to see it, it is because the God of this world (Satan, the one the world worships) hath blinded his eyes. (3.) That if any do perceive it and believe, it is because of an inward illumination produced by him who first commanded the light to shine out of darkness." [Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology III, p. 73]

Ephesians 2:8,9

"God pours the golden oil of mercy into empty vessels." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 97]

Personal Response

9. Should faith be a daily attitude of heart?

John 8:31

"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done." [Letters of C. S. Lewis, c. September 1949]

"The promise of a kingdom, says Chrysostom, is not made to them that heard Christ or followed Him, but that continued with Him." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 287]

Colossians 2:6-8

The Greek verb tenses which the writers of the New Testament use with the word "believe" help us understand the nature of faith. "The aorist tense points to a single act in past time and indicates the determinative character of faith. When a man comes to believe he commits himself decisively to Christ. The present tense has the idea of continuity. Faith is not a passing phase. It is a continuing attitude." [Leon Morris, "Faith," The New Bible Dictionary, p. 367]

Hebrews 10:35,36

It is so easy, even after having made a wholehearted commitment, to stop trusting God. We can do so almost without realizing what is happening. Old habits reassert themselves and suddenly we find ourselves trying to follow our own ideas instead of God's Word, trying to work out our own solutions instead of God's plans, trying to realize our own desires instead of God's will.

When we discover this, we may grow discouraged and be tempted to give up. At such times we need to remember that the blood of Christ cleanses us from all sin and that the righteousness of Christ makes us fully acceptable to God, even in our weakness. His love is unconditional. We do not need to try to earn it. It is given gladly and freely. God will joyously forgive us the moment we turn back to Him and He will again begin to give us the freedom we seek.

Personal Response

10. How is Abraham a good example of faith?

Romans 4:18-21

"All temptation is primarily to look within; to take our eyes off the Lord and to take account of appearances. Faith is always meeting a mountain, a mountain of apparent contradiction in the realm of tangible fact--of failures in deed, as well as in the realm of feeling and suggestion--and either faith or the mountain must go. They cannot both stand. ...The trouble is that many a time the mountain stays and faith goes. This must not be. If we resort to our senses to discover the truth, we shall find Satan's lies are often enough true in our experience; but if we refuse to accept as binding anything that contradicts God's Word and maintain an attitude of faith in Him alone, we shall find instead that Satan's lies begin to dissolve and that our experience is coming progressively to tally with that Word." [Watchman Nee, The Normal Christian Life, p. 56]

Hebrews 11:8

"He knew not whither he went, but he knew with whom!" [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 180]

Personal Response

11. Will true faith change my life?

II Chronicles 20:20

"All the recovery programs say that in order to recover, we have to be willing to put our sobriety first." [Anne Wilson Schaff, Escape From Intimacy, p. 130]

Psalm 84:12

"Every man carries his kingdom within, and no one knows what is taking place in another's kingdom. 'No one understands me!' Of course they don't, each one of us is a mystery. There is only One Who understands you, and that is God. Hand yourself over to Him." [Oswald Chambers, If Ye Shall Ask, p. 56]

Psalm 125:1

"Faith melts our will into the will of God.... It not only believes the promise, but obeys the command." [Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, p. 204]

Romans 5:1

"I hear the words of Love,

I gaze upon the Blood,

I see the mighty sacrifice,

And I have peace with God.

"'Tis everlasting peace,

Sure as Jehovah's name;

'Tis stable as His steadfast Throne,

For everyone the same." [Horatius Bonar]

Romans 9:33

"Holiness is constant agreement with God." [Theodore L. Cuyler, God's Light on Dark Clouds, p. 137]

Romans 10:9,10

"Faith is not only a declaration of dependence, it is also a vow of allegiance. The sick man's faith in his physician is shown not simply by trusting him, but by obeying him. Doing what the doctor says is the very proof of trust.... Faith is self-surrender to the great Physician and a leaving of our case in his hands. But it is also the taking of his prescriptions, and the active following of his directions." [A. H. Strong, Systematic Theology, p. 838]

II Corinthians 5:14,15

"A Christian is one who recognizes Jesus as the Christ, the Son of the living God, as God manifested in the flesh, loving us and dying for our redemption; and who is so affected by a sense of the love of this incarnate God as to be constrained to make the will of Christ the rule of his obedience, and the glory of Christ the great end for which he lives." [Charles Hodge, Commentary on the Second Epistle to the Corinthians, p. 133]

Galatians 5:6

"...Belief that has no practical result ceases to be belief; it is fantasy." [Stephen Brown, If God Is in Charge, p. vii]

"Nothing matters but this: does Jesus have the utter absolute first and final say in your life?" [Vance Havner, Day By Day, p. 173]

James 2:26

"Faith...is a divine work in us which changes us.... O it is a living, busy, active, mighty thing, this faith. It is impossible for it not to be doing good works incessantly.... Whoever does not do such works...is an unbeliever. He gropes and looks around for faith and good works but knows neither what faith is nor what good works are.... Thus it is impossible to separate works from faith, quite as impossible as to separate heat and light from fire." [Martin Luther, "The Preface of the Epistle of St. Paul to the Romans," Luther's Works XXXV, p. 370-371]

Personal Response

12. Will faith give me strength for my struggle?

Matthew 9:28,29

Faith can open our eyes to things we have not seen before too. Dr. Earl Wilson notes, "...As persons have experience with homosexuality, they...reach a place where they accept the label 'homosexual' or 'lesbian,' and from that time forward will interpret all the things that happen to them from that perspective.... Stimuli which suggest heterosexual tendencies are denied... The brain tries to clear up ambivalence so...heterosexual input is filtered out as irrelevant. I find that many of my counselees have blanked out their memory of periods of heterosexual activ- ity because it does not fit with their newly acquired belief that they are gay--and gays have not and never will be attracted to the opposite sex--so the experience cannot be considered. They are often shocked when they are helped...to remember more clearly these experiences which have been filtered out." [Counseling and Homosexuality, p. 68]

Not only can filtering make people blind to what is taking place in them, it can lead them to misinterpret what is going on around them. It leads many to interpret all their same-sex contacts as either potentially or actually sexual. Until corrected by faith, all this distorts reality and makes the development of healthy same-sex relationships difficult and the development of good heterosexual relationships impossible.

Faith gives sight! As we, through faith in God's Word, reject the lie that we are homosexual and cannot change, and embrace the truth that we are heterosexual by creation and in Christ, reality can be clearly seen and healing can begin.

Mark 9:23

"Our doubts are traitors,

And make us lose the good we oft might win,

By fearing to attempt." [William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure, I.iv.77 in The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, p 461, #21]

"Our Lord did not rebuke His disciples for making mistakes, but for not having faith." [Oswald Chambers, The Love of God, p. 116]

Ephesians 6:16

"Virgil said, 'Birds fly because they think they can.'" [Abraham Twerski, When Do the Good Things Start?, p. 56]

The great psychologist William James said, "The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives." [Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 318]

Hebrews 11:32-34

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." [Theodore Roosevelt in Good Advice, p. 73]

I John 5:4

"Press on! Nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent." [Calvin Coolidge in Good Advice, p. 250]

This is certainly true when it comes to the matter of freedom from homosexuality. Dr. Irving Bieber, reviewing the work of 77 psychoanalysts working with 106 male homosexuals, many of whom were not seeking freedom, found that only 7 percent of the patients whose analyses were of fewer than 150 hours became heterosexual; 23 percent of the patients whose analyses were of 150 to 349 hours became heterosexual; while 47 percent of those who had 350 or more therapeutic sessions achieved the shift to heterosexuality. "These statistics are not necessarily final since 26 H-patients who had not become heterosexual were still in analysis at the time of the last follow-up report. Some patients in this group may yet become heterosexual as a result of continuing treatment. All such additional 'terminated heterosexual' cases would necessarily fall into the 'more than 350 hours' category and the 47 percent rate for this category would rise." [Irving Bieber et al., Homosexuality, p. 278]

This last figure is especially encouraging when one remembers that "in 1967 the American Psychoanalytic Association released their...long-term sociologic and statistical study of the results of treatment by psychoanalysis and analytic psychotherapy. While 97% of the patients were judged by their therapists to have improved in total functioning, and a similar number of patients agreed, the over all rate of symptom cure was only twenty-seven per cent." [Karl Lewin, Brief Encounters, Brief Psychotherapy, p. 250]

This means that people seeking freedom from homosexuality have more hope of recovery than those in therapy for other conditions--if they have a good support group, a skilled therapist, and persevere!

"Do not be impatient, for, as Emerson says, 'No one can cheat you out of ultimate success but yourself.'" [Andrew Carnegie in Leadership, p 166]

Personal Response

13. Can faith help me deal with the problem of depression?

Psalm 34:8

"True happiness is to be found not in ways of man's own devising, but in the revealed will of God." [A. F. Kirkpatrick, The Book of Psalms, p. 3]

"One has to give up dreams, because they stand in the way of happiness." [Walter Trobisch, Love Is a Feeling to be Learned, p. 12]

"Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best; God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it." [George MacDonald: 365 Readings, p. 58]

Psalm 42:11

"The life-script I had been taught was 'don't feel.' And this meant not only holding feelings in; it meant not even experiencing them, if possible.... Tears are necessary to psychological, physi- cal, and spiritual health. Emotional tears are unique to human beings and, I believe, are unique- ly intended to restore mind and body to sanity, relieve stress, and restore balance in our lives." [Archibald Hart, Healing Adult Children of Divorce, p. 178-179]

There are times when all of us who seek freedom from homosexuality will experience despres- sion. As Dr. Scott Peck says, "...The feeling associated with giving up something loved--or at least something that is a part of ourselves and familiar--is depression. Since mentally healthy human beings must grow, and since giving up or loss of the old self is an integral part of the process of mental and spiritual growth, depression is a normal and basically healthy phenom- enon. It becomes abnormal or unhealthy only when something interferes with the giving-up process, with the result that the depression is prolonged and cannot be resolved by completion of the process." [M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled, p. 69-70] "Even in slight things the experience of the new is rarely without some stirring of foreboding." [Eric Hoffer in A Trea- sury of Business Quotations, #205]

So, when you hurt and are tempted to give up, walk by faith in the promises of God. When you find yourself thinking of turning aside, remember that to do so is only to postpone your recovery and to make the process ultimately more difficult and painful. Feel your pain, deal with it by faith in the promises of God, and press on to the freedom God has promised.

Galatians 6:9

St. Augustine prayed, "God of our life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, we beseech Thee; turn our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the souls of all who journey with us on the road of life, to Thy honor and glory." [in Carl Hermann Voss, Quotations of Courage and Vision, p. 13-14]

Hebrews 11:24-26

"We would rather blame someone or something else for making us feel unhappy than take the steps to make us feel better. We even talk about our own feelings as if they were visitors from outer space. We say, 'This feeling came over me,' as if we were helpless creatures overwhelm- ed by mysterious forces, instead of simply saying, 'I felt that way.' We speak as if our feelings change from sunny to stormy like the weather, over which we have no control. This meteoro- logical view of our emotions is very useful; it takes us off the hook for the way we feel. We diminish ourselves, just in order to push away the chance of choice." [Mildred Newman, Bern- ard Berkowitz, and Jean Owen, How To Be Your Own Best Friend, p. 10]

"Faith is simply the bringing of our minds into accord with the truth. It is adjusting our expectations to the promises of God in complete assurance that the God of the whole earth can- not lie." [A. W. Tozer, That Incredible Christian, p. 27]

Personal Response

14. Can faith help me deal with the problem of anxiety?

John 14:27

"Peace, perfect peace,

In this dark world of sin?

The blood of Jesus

Whispers peace within.

"Peace, perfect peace,

By thronging duties pressed?

To do the will of Jesus,

This is rest.

"Peace, perfect peace,

With sorrows surging round?

On Jesus' bosom

Naught but calm is found.

"Peace, perfect peace,

With loved ones far away?

In Jesus' keeping

We are safe, and they

"Peace, perfect peace,

Our future all unknown?

Jesus we know,

And He is on the throne.

"Peace, perfect peace,

Death shadowing us and ours?

Jesus has vanquished death

And all its powers.

"It is enough:

Earth's struggles soon shall cease,

And Jesus call us to

Heaven's perfect peace." [Edward H. Bickersteth]

Philippians 4:6,7

"What an imperturbable certainty there is about the man who is in contact with God!" [Oswald Chambers, Not Knowing Whither, p. 129]

II Timothy 1:12

"Upon the walls of a mosque in Bagdad is inscribed the motto: 'What a man believes he will die for; what a man thinks he will change his mind about.'" [S. Parkes Cadman, Ambassadors of God, p. 266]

I Peter 5:7

"Faith is refusing to be burdened because we have cast our burden upon the Lord." [D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, The Sermon on the Mount II, p. 157]

Personal Response

15. Can faith help me deal with the problem of discouragement?

Deuteronomy 31:7,8

"In all forms of warfare the loser is beaten in spirit before he is beaten in fact." [David J. Rogers in Leadership, p. 146]

There is an old story which says that God saw that the devil had too many weapons in his armory and decided that they should be drastically reduced. The devil was allowed to choose only one of all his weapons with which to try to maintain his power. Satan decided to keep discouragement as his one weapon because, he said, "If only I can persuade men and women to be thoroughly discouraged, they will make no further moral effort, and then I shall be enthroned in their lives." [James Stewart, King For Ever, p. 95]

Joshua 1:9

"He who wishes to advance must always begin again.... Patience with oneself...is the founda- tion of all progress." [Romano Guardini in Leanne Payne, The Healing of the Homosexual, p. 26]

I Samuel 30:6

Dr. George W. Truett told of a man whose wife was taken from him after a brief illness leaving him with a five-year-old daughter. The two returned home after the funeral and the little girl cried late into the night while her father tried to comfort her. After awhile the little girl, trying to relieve her father's grief, stopped crying. "And in the darkness of that quiet time the big man looked through the darkness to God, and said: 'I trust you, but, oh, it is as dark as midnight.' And then the little girl started...sobbing again, and the father said: 'Why, papa thought you were asleep, baby.' And she said...., 'Papa, did you ever know it to be so dark? Why, papa, I can- not even see you, it is so dark.' And then, sobbing, the little thing said: 'But papa, you love me, if it is dark, don't you? You love me if I don't see you, don't you papa?'... He reached across with those big hands and took the little girl out of her crib, and brought her over on his big heart, and mothered her, until at last, sobbing, the little girl fell to sleep, and then when she was asleep, he took his baby's cry to him, and passed it up to God, and said: 'Father, it is as dark as midnight. I cannot see at all. But you love me, if it is dark, don't you?'... And then the darkness was like unto the morning! God always comes to people who trust Him." [A Quest For Souls, p. 24-26]

II Chronicles 32:6-8

"God makes a promise.

Faith believes it.

Hope anticipates it.

Patience quietly awaits it."

[D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 179]

John 14:1

"Fear knocked at the door, faith answered and no one was there!" [Harold Sherman, Your Key to Happiness in Dave Johnson, The Success Principle, p. 13]

Personal Response

16. Must my faith be perfect for God to bless it?

Matthew 14:25-31

"...The efficacy of faith does not reside in itself. Faith is not something that merits the favor of God. All the efficacy unto salvation resides in the Savior. ...It is not faith that saves...; strictly speaking, it is not even faith in Christ that saves but Christ that saves through faith.... The specific character of faith is that it looks away from itself and finds its whole interest and object in Christ." [John Murray, Redemption: Accomplished and Applied, p. 112]

Matthew 17:20

"A weak faith may receive a strong Christ." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 220]

Mark 9:24

"To a large extent this man, with more doubt than faith in him,...represents the age in which we live.... It is conscious of its misery and woe and sin....but it is not...sure that He can help. It is not confident that He can heal.... John Bunyan, in his immortal dream, pictures some men of sturdy and almost aggressive faith--men like Great-Heart and Steadfast, and Valiant-for- Truth, and Hopeful and Faithful, and the rest. But he also gives us the picture of men whose faith is timid and trembling, who scarcely believe, in the persons of Mr. Little-Faith, Mr. Fear- ing, and Mr. Feeble-Mind, and Mr. Ready-to-Halt.... So let us take our doubting, distrustful hearts to Him, and say, like this distressed and troubled father, 'Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.' And what mighty power there is in feeble faith. 'If ye have faith as a grain of must- ard seed,' said our Lord, 'ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence unto yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you' (Matt. xvii.10). As a grain of mustard seed, weak, tiny, infinitesimal. That is all this father had. But look at the result. A mighty exercise of power and a restored son.... The Lord is wonderfully compassionate.... He gives even to Little-Faith, and Mr. Fearing, and Mr. Ready-to-Halt, the victory and the abund- ant entrance." [J. D. Jones, The Gospel According to St. Mark III, p 227-230]

Personal Response

17. Will my faith be tested?

Genesis 22:1,2

"Why is temptation so attractive, unrelenting, and powerful?... Surely God...could make it easier for...us.... I'm not saying that God causes us to sin; nor does He tempt us as Satan does.... But God does test us; He also allows Satan to tempt us.... Why...? Temptation, with all of its frightful possibilities for failure, is God's method of testing our loyalties. We cannot say that we love someone until we have had to make some hard choices on his behalf. Similarly, we cannot say we love God unless we've said No to persistent temptations.... God ....is allowing us the luxury of difficult choices so that we can prove our love for Him. These are our opportunities to choose God rather than the world." [Erwin M. Lutzer, How To Say No To a Stubborn Habit, p. 11-16]

Deuteronomy 8:2

"'When you see a dog following two men,' says Ralph Erskine, in one of his sermons, 'you know not to which of them he belongs while they walk together; but let them come to a parting road, and one go one way, and the other another way, then you will know which is the dog's master. So, at times, religion and the world go hand in hand. While a man may have the world and religious profession too, we cannot tell which is the man's master, God or the world; but stay till the man come to a parting road; God calls him this way, and the world calls him that way. Well, if God be his master, he follows religion, and lets the world go; but if the world be his master, then he follows the world and the lust thereof, and lets God, and conscience, and religion go.'" [John Whitecross, The Shorter Catechism Illustrated, p. 66]

"Our faith must be tested. God builds no ships but what he sends to sea." [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 201]

Proverbs 17:3

"Being a Christian means joy, peace, and contentment, we are told. We happily misconstrue that to mean a Christian never has problems or pain. We'll be protected by our all-powerful Bodyguard from losing our jobs, suffering from illness, or having accidents that happen to 'other' people. We want to believe it, so we do. This one lie may be the most insidious religious falsehood in Christendom. ...It....becomes a source of bitterness and anger the moment life turns sour. God often becomes the scapegoat for all the hurt we feel when he doesn't come charging to the rescue.... The truth...is that life is difficult. Faith makes it less difficult, not by solving the problems through rescue, but by giving us a resource to handle the problems." [Chris Thurman, The Lies We Believe: The #1 Cause of our Unhappiness, p. 143]

Hebrews 11:17-19

"Faith...will trust Him where it cannot trace Him." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 12]

I Peter 1:7

"Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks." [Phillips Brooks in Good Advice, p. 266]

Personal Response

18. How can faith express itself?

Psalm 50:23

"I...believe that the damned are, in one sense, successful rebels to the end; that the doors of hell are locked on the inside. I do not mean that the ghosts do not wish to come out of hell, in the vague fashion wherein the envious man 'wishes' to be happy; but they certainly do not will even the first preliminary stages of that self-abandonment through which alone the soul can reach any good." [C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain, p. 127]

Psalm 86:12,13

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." [G. K. Chesterton, A Short History of England, p. 59]

Psalm 104:33

When we feel helpless...

we can praise God that HE HELPS THE HELPLESS!

When we feel ungodly...

we can praise God that HE LOVES THE SINNER!

When we feel anxious...

we can praise God that HE BRINGS GOOD OUT OF TROUBLE!

When we are tempted...

we can praise God that HE HAS BROKEN THE POWER OF HOMOSEXUALITY!

When we feel confused about our sexual identity...

we can praise God that HE HAS CREATED AND REDEEMED US HETEROSEXUAL!

Ephesians 5:18-20

"Thank and think...come from the same root word. If we would think more, we would thank more." [Warren W. Wiersbe, Be Rich, p. 141]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 7

Somehow I managed to confuse knowledge with faith. I thought the more Bible I crammed into my head, the more faith I would have. So I studied the Bible morning by morning, faithfully attended Sunday School and church, went to a theological seminary, and entered the ministry. I filled my head with Bible truth only to find that my faith was still not strong enough to withstand the blows that came to me in life.

Please do not misunderstand. Knowledge is necessary to faith. You cannot trust in One you do not know. Knowledge alone, however, is not enough for faith. "Faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17), but faith is not merely hearing. It only comes by hearing.

Knowledge is the beginning of faith, but it is only the beginning. Truth must filter down from our heads into the very fiber of our souls. This does not happen quickly or easily. It is not attained by mere human effort. It is the gift of God's grace over time. I learned this slowly, painfully. I am still learning.

In the past, when life overwhelmed me, I turned for comfort to homosexual activity. This only led to greater woe--guilt, shame, fear, blackmail, exposure, prison, the loss of family, friends, ministry, nearly life itself when I attempted suicide. I came to doubt that I had ever had any faith at all. I feared I was lost forever--that God had abandoned me, and that Jesus' final word to me was, "'I never knew you: depart from me' you who have been so sinful" (Matthew 7:21-23).

And then, at the lowest point in my life, God Himself reached out to me. I cannot explain or describe it. Words are inadequate. But He took the truths I had learned (that study was not in vain!) and began to apply them to my heart. Tenderly, the Spirit of God applied the balm of His truth to my soul, and slowly I began to revive.

Not only did God minister to my heart directly, He also used others--a Christian counselor, a godly pastor, gracious friends--to open the eyes of my spirit to the meaning of His word for my life. He taught me to meditate on His truth until I could see how it applied to me and then to praise Him for the love and mercy and grace I experienced as a result of this process.

And thus, from study, through meditation, to trust and praise, the truth passed from something outside of me into my heart, and I found the God-ordained way to life and ever-increasing peace, joy, and freedom.

Please be assured I still have much to learn. I am only a child in these things. I write, with the Apostle Paul, "not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus. Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:12-14).

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 7

1) Read your Bible each morning until you find a verse which speaks to your situation. Write it on a 3 x 5 card and carry it with you throughout the day for meditation. As you ask God to show you what this word from Him means for your life, jot the thoughts that come to you on the back of the card. Prayerfully write these thoughts out more fully in your journal at night and conclude with a written prayer of thanksgiving to God for what this truth means to you. Share some of these thoughts with your step coach.

2) Listen to the tape Let Go, Let God! and read the brochures Bolt That Door and In God's Good Time under "STEP 7" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 8 and finish the book your step coach recommended to help you with Steps 1-7 while continuing to work in your workbook. Journal what you learn from all this and share what you have written with your step coach.

3) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

Let me hide myself in thee;

Let the water and the blood,

From thy riven side which flowed,

Be of sin the double cure,

Cleanse me from its guilt and power.

Not the labors of my hands

Can fulfil thy law's demands;

Could my zeal no respite know,

Could my tears for ever flow,

All for sin could not atone;

Thou must save, and thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,

Simply to thy cross I cling;

Naked, come to thee for dress,

Helpless, look to thee for grace;

Foul, I to the Fountain fly;

Wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,

When mine eyelids close in death,

When I soar to worlds unknown,

See thee on thy judgment throne,

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

Let me hide myself in thee.

--

Augustus M. Toplady STEP 8

As forgiven people free from condemnation,

we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

determined to root out fear, hidden hostility

and contempt for the world.

Long ago AA warned of the destructive tendency of compulsive people to try and find "an easier, softer way". [Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58] We who seek freedom from homosexuality will fall short of our goal if we do not work all the steps.

Some of us make the mistake of working only the relational side of our program (Steps 8-14). In doing so, we run the risk of looking to man to meet needs only God can satisfy. Human beings are limited creatures who cannot always be available to us and often do not know how to help. Further, they are fallen creatures who can fail us terribly. When this happens to one who has not learned to look to God for wisdom, comfort, and strength, old emotional wounds can be opened and exacerbated. Thus, the person who fails to work the spiritual side of the program hinders his or her recovery.

Others of us make the mistake of working only the spiritual side of our program (Steps 1-7). In doing so, we forget that God Himself said that it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). God made this astounding statement before the fall, while Adam was enjoying perfect fellowship with Him in the garden. It was not enough. Man needed a helper like himself. Adam had no wounds from childhood that needed healing so he was ready for Eve. Those who struggle with homosexual problems may not yet be ready for marriage, but the Bible does stress the importance of friendship (see Proverbs 17:17; 18:24; 27:6,9,10,17; Ecclesiastes 4:8-12). God has ordained that He will meet some needs only through another human being. He will heal some wounds only through other people. Thus the person who fails to work the relational side of the program hinders his or her recovery.

Thus we urge all who seek freedom from homosexuality "to be fearless and thorough from the very start." [Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58] Only thus is complete recovery assured.

To begin the relational side of our recovery, we must do something we've always dreaded. We must face ourselves and discover those defects of character which have poisoned our past friend- ships. The longer we put this off, the more we will find ourselves using sex (whether with others, in our minds, or with ourselves) to deaden our feelings of shame, fear, and isolation. Such responses only increase the feeling that we are filthy, guilty, and worthless, which produces greater desires to escape into sexual oblivion to punish or comfort ourselves.

Thus we dare not delay. As soon as we possibly can, we must begin our "searching and fearless moral inventory" so that we can see clearly how to break free from the forces which have kept us in bondage.

1. What truth must I clearly understand before I can make my "searching and fearless moral inventory"?

Psalm 86:5

"My friend..., Tom Melton, tells of the time his three-year-old son Brandon tried to surprise Tom by bringing him a big glass of milk. In the process, Brandon broke glasses, spilled milk all over the kitchen, and drenched Tom head to toe. As it dawned on Brandon that he might have botched the plan, Tom's eyes filled with tears as he was overwhelmed with love for his son. 'True,' Tom recalled, 'he screwed up everything he touched. But he is my son, and I just couldn't stop thinking how much I loved him.'" [Chap Clark, The Performance Illusion, p. 92-93]

Psalm 103:12

"These two, east and west, can never be brought together; so our sins and us when once for- given." [Gems From Bishop Taylor Smith's Bible, p. 31]

Acts 13:38,39

"The pardon of sin is an indispensable...part of a sinner's justification, but is not an adequate or complete description of that privilege. It includes also his 'acceptance as righteous in the sight of God;' his admission to the divine favor, and possession of the gift of eternal life. His person, although he is still unworthy in himself, and...his services, although they are still imperfect..., 'are acceptable to God through Jesus Christ,' both being sprinkled with His blood, and perfumed with the incense of His intercession." [James Buchanan, The Doctrine of Justific- ation, p. 272-273]

Romans 8:1

"This...is not to be understood as descriptive of their present state merely, but of their permanent position. They are placed beyond the reach of condemnation. They shall never be condemned." [Charles Hodge, Commentary on the Epistle to the Romans, p. 249]

"The believer in Christ is made secure against all condemnation by the death, resurrection, ascension and intercession of Christ. When the death of Christ ceases to satisfy God regarding sin, and when the intercession of Christ ceases to prevail with God, then the justified man can be condemned and not till then." [R. A. Torrey, What the Bible Teaches, p. 322]

Romans 8:33,34

"Other religions list lots of acts or states of mind that have to be achieved before God will accept a person. But this message from God says: 'Yes, you are guilty. You have failed, sinned, ruined the perfect world. You can't be good enough. But I love you. I love you so much my own Son came to your planet and shared your sorrows. He took your punishment." [Cliffe Knechtle, Give Me an Answer, p. 111]

Personal Response

2. Should I expect perfection of myself?

Ecclesiastes 7:20

"To talk about the need for perfection in man is to talk about the need for another species. The essence of man is imperfection. Imperfection and blazing contradictions--between mixed good and evil, altruism and selfishness, cooperativeness and combativeness, optimism and fatalism, affirmation and negation." [Norman Cousins in David Stoop, Hope for the Perfectionist, p. 112]

Isaiah 64:6

"...Nobody can be perfect unless his admits his faults, but if he has faults how can he be perfect?" [Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 381]

"Nothing can damn a man but his own righteousness; nothing can save him but the righteousness of Christ." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit VII, (1861), p. 216]

Philippians 3:12-14

The world God made was perfect, but our first parents sinned. This resulted in a broken relationship between God and humanity and the world was cursed (Genesis 1:1-3:24).

There is in all of us a longing for the flawless harmony of Eden. "We yearn to have harmony in our environment as well as in our relationships--to our self, to others, and to God.... This quest--trying to restore the completeness of original creation--can be beneficial to us. We often find exhilaration in pursuing difficult goals. The processes of work, self-discipline, and human relations can be gratifying. We must realize, though, that in this life we can reconstruct only an imperfect approximation of God's perfection." [Richard Walters, Escape the Trap, p. 16-17]

"...Perfectionists will always be frustrated because we live in an imperfect world. None of us can escape that reality.... We can't recreate the Garden of Eden in this sin-broken world. We may achieve excellence, but not perfection." [idem.] "However perfectionists won't settle for excellence. They strive for perfect performance in every area of life and regard the gap between performance and the ideal as a personal failure. They scold themselves harshly and try harder, only to repeat the cycle of impossible demand, discouragement, failure, and self-condemnation once again." [ibid., p. 17]

James 3:2

"'There is no man that sinneth not;' this truth is the hypocrite's pillow, but the believer's bed of thorns." [Andrew Bonar, Diary and Life, p. 435]

I John 1:8-2:2

"Jesus is a sinner's Savior. It is not written, 'If any man be holy, he has an advocate." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XIII, (1867), p. 136]

"Christ died for our sins, not for our virtues. It is not your efficiencies, but your deficiencies which entitle you to the Lord Jesus. It is not your wealth, but your lack. It is not what you have, but what you have not. It is not what you can boast of, but what you mourn over that qualifies you to receive the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ." [ibid., XXX, (1884), p. 484]

Personal Response

3. Why is it so difficult for me to face my failures?

Proverbs 21:29

While some will not face their failures because they are proudly stubborn, others cannot do so because they are self-deceived.

Jeremiah 17:9

Denial is one way all of us a greater or lesser degree deceive ourselves. Unconsciously, we keep ourselves from facing reality and thus lock ourselves into increasingly destructive patterns of behavior by:

Outright denial: refusing to acknowledge an existing problem to ourselves and/or others.

Minimizing: acknowledging the problem but refusing to face its severity.

Rationalizing: acknowledging the problem but offering excuses to justify it.

Blaming: acknowledging the problem but refusing to take responsibility for current behav- ior by saying it is someone else's fault.

Dodging: changing the subject when the conversation begins to deal with the problem.

Attacking: getting angry when the problem is discussed, thus avoiding the real issue.

If you recognize any of these tendencies in yourself, put them to death if you really want freedom from homosexuality.

We can also deceive ourselves by taking other people's inventories instead of our own. We cannot change them; we must change ourselves!

Matthew 7:3-5

"A critic is a legless man who teaches running." [Channing Pollock in The Portable Curmud- geon, p. 72]

"It is dangerous to judge others, but it is good to judge ourselves." [Thomas Watson, A Divine Cordial, p. 37]

Romans 14:4

Camus was struck by a remark his friend Blanche Balain made "and recorded it in his journal: 'Nobody realized that some people make Herculean efforts just to be normal.'" [Herbert R. Lottman, Albert Camus: A Biography, p. 282]

"...Let the Judge do the judging. Unlike you, He knows what He's doing." [Garry Friesen with J. Robin Maxson, Decision Making and the Will of God, p. 388]

Pride can take the form of a perfectionism which blinds us to our own faults and makes us quick to see the failings of others.

James 4:6

"Moroccans make rugs with deliberate imperfections. Designs are purposely woven with 'mis- takes' in the pattern. Rug makers believe it is either ludicrous or blasphemous to attempt perfection when only God is perfect, and flaws are seen as reminders that humans are only human." [David Stoop, Hope for the Perfectionist, p. 12]

Personal Response

4. Why is it important for me to face myself?

Psalm 32:3-5

"Who would not declare all his debts when they are certain to be discharged by another?" [J. W. Reeve in C. H. Spurgeon, The Treasury of David II, p. 90]

"Sin is a serpent, and he that covers sin does but keep it warm, that it may sting the more fiercely..." [John Donne in J. J. Stewart Perowne, The Psalms I, p. 291]

As Dr. Earl Henslin warns, "Probably 80 to 90 percent of our interaction with other people is controlled by our response to old hurts from our childhood.... That's why it is so important to become connected with those old feelings and recover those old wounds. If we don't they will continue to play tyrant in our lives. ...(They) will determine whether or not we stay married. They will direct us toward success or failure. They will influence how we treat our children.... They will even govern our relationship with God." [The Way Out of the Wilderness, p. 155] "...Problems never get better on their own. Time only allows the hurt to become more entren- ched, the resentment to grow deeper, and daily life to become increasingly difficult. Time heals only if people are actively working toward recovery." [ibid., p. 70]

Psalm 51:6

"There is no greater disaster in the spiritual life than to be immersed in unreality." [Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude, p. 19]

"I remember approaching the office of a Christian mission and was puzzled to hear bangs and clatters and voices lifted up in anger--this was a Christian office! Two colleagues were physi- cally wrestling over a telephone headset. When I attempted to arbitrate, it was fascinating to hear both of them protesting that they had nothing against the other. This was obviously not true; wrestling the phone from one another was a symptom of a real problem, one they weren't prepared to confess. Until they did so, there was no possibility for trust restoration and spiritual harmony." [Arthur Dixson, To Trust Again, p. 93]

Psalm 81:10-16

One vital barrier against falling back into our old, destructive patterns is a clear record of the pain our old lifestyle involved. If we can remember what that lifestyle cost us, we will do what- ever it takes to avoid a return to that terrible misery. "The burnt child dreads the fire"--as long as he can recollect the pain! Thus, our "searching and fearless moral inventory" is an essential link in our chain of recovery.

Galatians 6:7,8

"It is a philosophical observation so profound as to be platitudinous, that a man's past is never finally past until he is buried; that any encounter, any incident in his life, though he may long since have filed it away as ancient history and for all everyday purposes forgotten it, may only be waiting with the infinite patience of a time-bomb to make violent re-entry into the peacefully lulled passage of his days." [Leslie Charteris, The Saint in Pursuit, p. 3]

Colossians 3:5-8

"We preachers have often given people the mistaken idea that the new birth and being 'filled with the Spirit' are going to automatically take care of these emotional hangups. But this just isn't true. A great crisis experience of Jesus Christ, as important and eternally valuable as this is, is not a shortcut to emotional health. It is not a quickie cure for personality problems.... What I am saying is that certain areas of our lives need special healing by the Holy Spirit. Because they are not subject to ordinary prayer, discipline, and willpower, they need a special kind of understanding, an unlearning of past wrong programming, and a relearning and repro- gramming transformation by the renewal of our minds. And this is not done overnight by a crisis experience." [David Seamands, Healing For Damaged Emotions, p. 12-14]

Personal Response

5. Who can help me see my errors?

Psalm 139:1,2

"How consoling to a child in the dark is the hand of a father or mother, and God's is a Father's hand, not a policeman's." [W. Graham Scroggie, The Psalms IV, p. 47]

Psalm 139:23,24

"It is as when a housewife cleans her chamber. She looks, and there is no dust; the air is clear, and all her furniture is shining brightly. But there is a chink in the window shutter, a ray of light creeps in, and you see the dust dancing up and down, thousands of grains, in the sunbeam. It is all over the room the same, but she can see it only where the sunbeam comes. It is just so with us. God sends a ray of divine light into the heart, and then we see how...full of iniquity it is." [C. H. Spurgeon, New Park Street Pulpit VI, p. 400-401]

Proverbs 21:2

"If man were his own judge, who would be condemned?" [Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 225]

"Whatever our judgment is concerning ourselves, the Lord ponders the heart." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 910]

Hebrews 4:13

"The omniscience of God...follows from his omnipresence. As God fills heaven and earth, all things are transacted in his presence. He knows our thoughts far better than they are known to ourselves.... We pray to a God who knows...our state and wants, who hears what we say, and who is able to meet all our necessities." [Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology I, p. 397]

Personal Response

6. What means will God use to help me see myself?

Psalm 119:130

"...The Word of God...is the outward and ordinary means by which the Spirit of God enlightens the understanding of all that are sanctified.... We begin to see when we begin to study the Word of God." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 713]

Hebrews 4:12

"The Word is a...(mirror) to show us our spots, and Christ's blood is a fountain to wash them away." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 87]

James 1:5

"Not only was the Holy Spirit active in the writing of the biblical books, he is also active in conveying the truth of the Bible to the minds of those who read it.... So we must pray as we read the Scriptures, and we must ask the Holy Spirit to do his work of enlightenment in our hearts. The Spirit's presence is not given to us to make a careful and diligent study of the Word of God unnecessary. He is given to make our study effective." [James Montgomery Boice, Foundations of the Christian Faith, p. 97]

We should make "earnest supplication to God to give us clear minds and pure hearts to over- come our prejudices.... We should also pray that God will assist us to overcome our proclivity for slothfulness and make us diligent students of Scripture." [R. C. Sproul, Knowing Scripture, p. 64]

I John 5:14,15

"The tree of mercy will not drop its fruit, unless it be shaken by the hand of prayer." [Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, p. 106]

Personal Response

7. What is my part in the process?

Lamentations 3:40,41

"Do with your hearts as you do with your watches, wind them up every morning by prayer, and at night examine whether you hearts have gone true all that day..." [Thomas Watson in The Golden Treasury of Puritan Quotations, p. 254]

Haggai 1:7

Dr. Albert Ellis said, "Homosexuals are even more difficult to treat than most other psycho-therapy patients for several reasons. They frequently do not admit that they are basically disturbed, but insist that only society is disturbed for persecuting them. They often enjoy their homosexual acts...and therefore cannot look upon these acts as disabling symptoms. They wrongly believe that they were born to be homosexual and that there is nothing unusual or aberrant about their being fixed deviants. When they come for therapy, they usually want to tackle their other symptoms--such as their anxieties, depressions, and guilt--but want to leave their homosexuality alone. They are usually evaders or goofers, and tend to work very little on their therapy, just as they work little at many other aspects of their lives." [Homosexuality: Its Causes and Cure, p. 111-112]

I Corinthians 11:31

"Fearless does not mean painless. Fearless means that we may be frightened but we go ahead and take our inventory nevertheless. Fearlessness is openness and honesty in looking within." [Emotions Anonymous, p. 51]

II Corinthians 13:5

"He who has gazed at his own sinfulness will be able to persevere in the face of setbacks. He will not be surprised by the sins of those to whom he ministers; he....will weep for the sins of his companions as well as his own sins; but he will not despair because of them, for he has a realistic view of himself... What is more, he has a glorious view of God, and of His power to save and keep." [Sinclair B. Ferguson, A Heart for God, p. 131]

Galatians 6:3,4

"As a cure for vain glory, the apostle prescribes an impartial and thorough examination of the individual's own conduct.... Instead of looking at the defects of his neighbor's character, and making use of them as a foil for setting off his own excellencies, let him examine his own char- acter by the unerring test--the Divine law.... He will find...so much wrong, that he will find there is no room for glorying." [John Brown, An Exposition of the Epistle to the Galatians, p. 329-331]

Personal Response

8. What should I consider as I make my moral inventory?

Matthew 22:37-39

"God did not tell us to follow Him because He needed our help, but because He knew that loving Him would make us whole." [Irenaeus in The Wisdom of the Saints, p. 137]

We are not given the option of loving God or our neighbor. We are to love God and our neighbor. "The love of our neighbor is the only door out of the dungeon of self..." [George MacDonald: 365 Readings, p. 23] "Love has hands to help others. It has feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. This is what love looks like." [Augustine in Inspiring Quotations Contemporary & Classical, p. 117]

"Do we love God with all our heart, and soul, and strength, and mind? Do we love our neigh- bor as ourselves? Where is the person who could say with perfect truth, 'I do?'... The best of us, however holy we may be, come far short of perfection. Passages like this should teach us our need of Christ's blood and righteousness. To Him we must go, if we would ever stand with boldness at the bar of God. From Him we must seek grace, that the love of God and man may become the ruling principles of our lives." [J. C. Ryle, "Luke," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels I, p. 373]

John 8:31

"We do not love Jesus at all if He is not our....King of kings and Lord of lords. Love Him, and belittle Him!... Follow your own will in preference to His will, and then talk of love to Him! Ridiculous." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXII, (1886), p. 657]

I John 4:20,21

"Loving someone means being so closely connected to them that what happens to them, in one sense, happens to you, too. If I really love someone, when they cry I ought to taste salt." [Stephen Brown, If God Is in Charge, p. 111]

I John 5:2,3

"Don't throw God a bone of your love unless there's the meat of obedience on it." [John MacArthur in Gathered Gold, p. 210]

Personal Response

9. What is love?

Romans 13:8

"Many people have a deep love for someone of their own sex. Such relationships have had social acceptance and even admiration, but it is when the agape of self-giving love turns into the eros of sexual gratification that the church's condemnation starts. It can do no other if it is to be true to both Jewish and Christian tradition." [Margaret White, AIDS & the Positive Alter- natives, p. 21]

Romans 13:10

Dr Alfred Plummer warns that "'love may go grievously astray--misty thought, emotional conduct, and indiscriminate good nature are perilous'." [Guy King, Joy Way, p. 25]

We dare not direct our lives by our feelings. They have been distorted by sin. We must trust our Father's instruction in the Bible.

"...The biblical Christian cannot accept the...premise...that love is the only absolute.... Love needs law to guide it." [John Stott, Decisive Issues Facing Christians Today, p. 350]

"Love is the fulfilling of the law, not the breaking of it." [Alex Davidson, The Returns of Love, p. 81]

I Corinthians 13:4-7

These "...words...have always seemed to me to hold the complete answer to all of human living." [Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings in Lillian Eichler Watson, Light From Many Lamps, 189] Compare them with any homosexual relationship you have experienced or seen.

Personal Response

10. What should I consider beside my deeds when I make my moral inventory?

Psalm 12:3,4

"We are moral beings and as such we must accept the consequences of every deed done and every word spoken." [A. W. Tozer, Of God and Men, p. 47]

Isaiah 6:5

"When I was a boy, the old country doctor came lumbering in with his bulging pill-bag and always began his examination by saying, 'Let me see your tongue.' It is a good way to begin the examination of any Christian. What we talk about is a good index to our character. Our speech betrays us." [Vance Havner, Pepper 'N Salt, p. 54]

Matthew 12:34-36

"Evil words show a wicked heart, and idle words a vain mind." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton, IV, p. 224]

Ephesians 5:3,4

"An evil tongue hath a great influence upon other members. When a man speaketh evil, he will commit it. When the tongue hath the boldness to talk of sin, the rest of the members have the boldness to act it.... First we think, than speak, and then do." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 288]

Personal Response

11. What should I consider beside my deeds and my words when I make my moral inventory?

Proverbs 4:23

"...The keeping and right managing of the heart in every condition is the great business of a Christian's life." [The Works of John Flavel V, p;. 425]

"A wound here is instant death..." [Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 53]

Dr. Mark Laaser says the three building blocks of sexual addiction are fantasy, pornography, and masturbation. "Fantasy is created by a need to satisfy deep longings. Pornography displays images of how to do that. Masturbation is the physical expression of perhaps the only touching or nurturing...the addict receives. The three...are involved in a cycle. Pornography stimulates fantasy. Fantasy needs to be expressed. Masturbation allows a 'release' of that need. There is a problem in this cycle. While it may satisfy the physical need for sex, it never satisfies the emotional and spiritual hunger that rests deep in the soul. Addicts have never learned to feed that hunger in a healthy way. Instead, they try to gratify this need in the easiest and most accessible way. Sex...allows the addict to escape and thereby cope temporarily with his feelings.... More and more sexual activity, however, also creates more and more negative feelings. This vicious cycle makes sexual addiction a degenerative process. It gets worse." [Mark Laaser, The Secret Sin, p. 29]

"Thoughts are the eggs of words and actions, and within the thoughts lie compacted and con- densed all the villainy of actual transgressions." [C. H. Spurgeon, The Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXII, (1886), p. 398]

Matthew 9:4

"Our thoughts are responsible for how we feel and most of what we do. Events occur in our lives, and we usually blame what we feel or how we act on these events. But events, as they are perceived by us, are interpreted in our thoughts. This inner conversation with ourselves is what causes us to feel what we feel and do much of what we do. Our experiences are processed in our thoughts and given meaning before we feel a certain way or respond in a certain way." [David Stoop, Hope for the Perfectionist, p. 143-144]

Philippians 4:8

"All homosexual lust...fights against normal sexual adjustment. Each instance of homosexual lust conditions the nervous system to an even stronger responsiveness to homosexual stimula- tion." [George Rekers, Growing Up Straight, p. 24]

"Sin, says St. Augustine, is 'a word, deed, or desire in opposition to the eternal law.' Sin is present whenever man tries to separate himself from God, ceases to acknowledge his dependence on God, and refuses God's gifts." [The Wisdom of the Saints, p. 147]

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes." [Benjamin Disraeli in Leadership, p. 108]

Personal Response

12. What is one area I must especially examine as I make my moral inventory?

Proverbs 29:25

Dr. Charles W. Socarides states, "The sexual arousal pattern in homosexuality is fear-based, unconscious, and very often completely beyond the awareness of those so affected. The repeti- tive quest for homosexual contacts is thus not motivated solely by the desire for pleasure; relief from and avoidance of anxiety is of paramount importance. In some homosexuals the anxiety is chronic, sometimes conscious and other times unconscious. It is this anxiety which the homo- sexual attempts to neutralize through homosexual activities." [Male and Female, p. 145] "...Anxiety or mental pain can be neutralized or diminished through sexual stimulation and orgasm." [Homosexuality, p. 155] "The aim of the homosexual act is to experience dependency on and acquire security from 'powerful' figures of the same sex." [ibid., p. 71]

Isaiah 12:2

"Always be afraid of being afraid. Failing faith means failing strength." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXVII, (1881), p. 367]

"If one gazes too long upon the enemy and his might, the enemy grows in the mind's eye to gigantic proportions and his citadels reach up to the skies (Deut 1:28). The hypnotic power of the enemy is broken when one turns one's gaze toward God, who is able to fight and grant victory (Deut 1:29-30)." [Peter C. Craigie, "Psalms 1-50," Word Biblical Commentary XIX, p. 73]

Isaiah 43:1,2

"It is not written, 'I will save thee from the fire,' but 'I will save thee in the fire,' not 'I will quench the coals,' but 'they shall not burn thee,' not 'I will dry up the rivers,' but 'they shall not overflow thee,' not 'I will put out the furnace,' but 'the flames shall not kindle upon thee.'" [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit VII, (1861), p. 396 with addition]

"God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them." [Unknown]

John 14:27

In 1986, James and Kim Jackson and lost their three-year-old daughter, Amber, to cancer of the eye. Kim herself has incurable cancer. How does she get through it? She says, "You can either focus on the good or the bad. You have to use energy for either one, and it seems to make more sense to make you and others happy rather than sad. I'm not saying it's always easy to be up. I get down too, but it just doesn't make any sense to stay that way. We have so little time on earth." [Judson Edwards, What They Never Told Us About How To Get Along With Each Other, p. 150]

Personal Response

13. What is another area I must especially search out as I make my moral inventory?

Psalm 37:8

Dr. Leo Madow says, "In homosexuality there is...frequently a great deal of anger, often near the surface." [Anger, p. 66]

Dr. Charles Socardies notes, "Most homosexual acts first disarm the partner through one's seductiveness, appeal, power, prestige, effeminacy, or 'masculinity' and then take satisfaction from the vanquished. To disarm in order to defeat is a common motif..." [Homosexuality, p. 161]

One man described his feelings thusly: "I try to take from the handsome males what I do not have.... I feel I can't be a real man, so I try to seduce and to top rival males... I do want a father!... I cannot get away from the trap of my mother...and whenever I get into an argument with her, or she is angry with me, I seem to seek out some male to exploit sexually, and prove myself, and get even with him." [Irving Bieber et. al., Homosexuality, p. 237-238]

"Anybody can become angry. That is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power." [Aristotle in Stephen Brown, No More Mr. Nice Guy!, p. 162]

Ephesians 4:26

"Anger is a normal human emotion. To never feel angry is to never be fully human. Yet intense, uncontrolled anger can hurt and destroy.... When pushed down and hidden, anger.... gnaws, eats, burns, corrodes until nothing is left but a raw-edged hole, an empty pit of despair." [Gayle Rosellini and Mark Worden, Of Course You're Angry, p. 3]

Think of yourself as a general and your emotions as messengers bringing vital intelligence. A messenger does not tell a general what to do! He has one job--to convey his message. He stays until the message is delivered. He should be dismissed when his job is done.

When you sense anger (or any other emotion), stop and ask, "What message am I receiving?" When you understand it, let the emotion go. Then decide what you should do in light of the message you have received.

"Get angry, but don't 'get (go) mad.'... Don't lose your temper! Losing your temper means losing control. Temper turns into rage, and rage turns you into a dangerous rampaging animal.... Am I saying, 'Get mad, but don't let it show?' Indeed not. Let it show if you feel it is justified. State coolly the fact (1) 'I am angry--I don't hide this'; (2) 'I am angry because...' and keep it impersonal: none of this 'you stupid so and so...' (We should try to be)...objective in selecting the object of our anger: the situation, not the person.... Two good rules to follow in expressing anger: 1) Wait a while... 2) State it and forget it." [Vincent Collins, Me, Myself & You, p. 61-62]

Dr. Archibald D. Hart says, "...The best advice I can think of concerning anger can be found in the Bible (Ephesians 4:26): get rid of each day's anger before the sun sets. This is great psychological wisdom." [Healing Adult Children of Divorce, p. 283]

Ephesians 4:30-5:2

"Bitterness leads to wrath which is the explosion on the outside of the feeling on the inside. Wrath and anger often lead to brawling (clamor) or blasphemy (evil-speaking). The first is fighting with fists, the second is fighting with words." [Warren Wiersbe, Be Rich, p. 117]

"For a young lad to seriously reject his own father (even with 'good reason') is often to find that, as an adult, he has rejected his own masculinity." [Leanne Payne, The Healing of the Homosexual, p. 38] "To hate a parent is, in the end, to hate oneself." [Leanne Payne, Crisis in Masculinity, p. 69] "...We cannot cut off a member of the family, and most especially a father or a mother, without cutting off a part of ourselves." [ibid. p. 60-61]

"...We must realize that men and women are what they are because of sin. Paul does not say, as so many foolish people...are saying today, that they refuse to see any wrong in people at all. That is not Christianity; that is make-believe. Christianity is always realistic.... Forgiveness is realizing to the full the wrong they have done, and then forgiving them.... And it is only the Christian who can do this, for he has become able to look at the offender...with a new eye. Before he saw him as a person who was doing him harm; now he sees him as a victim of sin, a pawn and a dupe of the devil; and he says, Yes, he is like that and I was like that, and there are...remnants of that in me still; who am I to say I will not forgive this man?" [D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Darkness and Light, p. 287]

"...You can only forgive a hurt that you understand, and you can only forgive someone who you admit has hurt you." [Archibald D. Hart, Healing Adult Children of Divorce, p. 117] "Forgiveness is both an act and a process. It is an act of your will in which you choose to surrender your right to hurt those who have hurt you, and it is a continual process of choosing forgiveness until you finally feel forgiveness." [ibid., p. 126]

Colossians 3:12,13

"Clara Barton, the founder of the nursing profession, never was known to hold resentment against anyone. One time a friend recalled...a cruel thing that had happened to her some years previously, but Clara seemed not to remember the incident. 'Don't you remember the wrong that was done to you?' the friend asked Clara. 'No,' Clara answered calmly, 'I distinctly remember forgetting that.'" [James C. Humes, Speaker's Treasury of Anecdotes About the Famous, p. 132]

"Life is short and we never have enough time for gladdening the hearts of those who travel the way with us. O, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind." [Henri Amiel in Good Advice, p. 45]

Personal Response

14. What if I resent others only when they have really wronged me?

Matthew 5:38,39

"Jesus is telling us that we can respond to people instead of reacting to them. If someone strikes us on the cheek, we don't have to strike him back. If someone sees us as an enemy, we don't have to treat him as our enemy. If someone is critical of us, we don't have to be critical of him. In all of these examples, Jesus is underscoring the power we have to choose our response." [Judson Edwards, What They Never Told Us About How To Get Along With Each Other, p. 49]

"People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes." [Unknown]

Matthew 5:43-45

Those who do not live in love "cannot pray the Lord's prayer, or if they do, they must pray against themselves; they pray that God will forgive them 'as they forgive others,' which is in effect to pray that God will not forgive them." [Thomas Watson, Sermons, p. 24]

Romans 12:17-21

"When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones." [Peter De Vries in The Portable Curmudgeon, p. 97]

I Peter 3:8,9

"Revenge is sweet, sweeter than life itself. So say fools." [Juvenal in Gerald F. Lieberman, 3,500 Good Quotes for Speakers, p. 207]

"The best memory is that which forgets nothing but injuries. Write kindness in marble and write injuries in the dust." [Persian Proverb in ibid., p. 152]

Personal Response

15. What is an attitude I must be especially careful to catch as I make my moral inventory?

Luke 18:2

The dictionary defines "contempt" as the act of despising, the condition of having no respect, concern, or regard for something or someone. Contempt has been defined as the belief that a person is only of importance as he or she satisfies my needs or wishes.

Consider this description of the homosexual lifestyle in San Francisco written by a homosexual reporter: "The gay sexual scene became progressively depersonalized. At first you'd sleep with a person, hug all night, talk and have omelettes in the morning. Then, you skipped the breakfast because just how many omelettes can you make before it gets boring? Then you wouldn't spend the night. With the bathhouses, you wouldn't even have to talk. The Glory Hole and Cornhole clubs came into vogue next. There, you wouldn't even have to see who you had sex with." [Randy Shilts, And The Band Played On, p. 58] "Stripped of humanity, sex sought ever-rising levels of physical stimulation in increasingly esoteric practices." [ibid., p. 89]

Ken Horne was a young man who moved from Oregon to San Francisco in search of love, look- ing for a man he could "marry". "When he did not find a husband, he took the next best thing --sex--and soon sex became something of a career. It wasn't love but at least it felt good.... As the focus of sex shifted from passion to technique, Ken learned all the things one could do to wring pleasure from one's body. The sexual practices became more and more esoteric; that was the only way to keep it from getting boring." [ibid., p. 46] Yet he still felt, "Life is a disappointment." [idem.] Ken Horne was the first reported AIDS case in San Francisco (ibid., p. xiv) and "at 1 A.M. on November 30, 1981, George Kenneth Horne, Jr., gasped one last tortured breath and lapsed into perfect darkness." [ibid., p. 100]

Edward Sagarin was "the father of the homophile movement..." [Toby Marotta, The Politics of Homosexuality, p. 20] He noted, "Every homosexual is aware of the ubiquity of casual rela- tionships, ones that last a few minutes or at most one night, of the hunger for love that meets constant frustrations, and of the fleeting nature of relationships that start with great promise and vows of fidelity." [Odd Man In, p. 100]

Sagarin also wrote under the pseudonym Donald Webster Cory with John P. LeRoy (also a pseudonym), "a member of several of the homophile organizations (including Mattachine) almost since their inception." [The Homosexual and His Society: A View From Within, p. xi] They warn that if a homosexual "expects that his casual sexual partner will, somehow or other, turn out to be a lover or life companion, his chances of having these hopes fulfilled by reality are rather small.... Far too many homosexuals view gay life as a means of finding a lover when its function is primarily one of finding a trick!" [ibid., p. 29-30] "A considerable amount of homosexual activity has little or no preceding or accompanying affection between the partners. Such acts are not so much between two persons but between parts of their bodies. They are more genital than personal. Each participant regards his partner solely as a means toward the goal of satisfying his sexual urges." [ibid., p. 41] In another book he noted, "...Many homosexuals are having a genital-to-genital relationship, rather than a person-to-person relationship." [in Albert Ellis, Homosexuality: Its Causes and Cure, p. 279]

Dr. Robert Kronemeyer warns, "One of the benchmarks of homosexuality is promiscuity; it connotes the intensity of underlying fear and panic. The need for 'proof' of desirability is insatiable. Driven from partner to partner, the gay skips from one 'conquest' to the next along the interminable yellow brick road to 'love everlasting.' His sexual compulsion is like the drug addict's need for a fix or the alcoholic's unquenchable thirst. 'To be gay is to go to the bar,' lamented one male in a series of profiles of homosexuals, 'to make the scene, to look, and look, to have a one-night stand, never really to love or be loved, to know this and yet to do this night after night year after year...'" [Overcoming Homosexuality, p. 30]

Alan Bell of the Kinsey Institute writes: "A modal view of the white male homosexual, based on our findings, would be that of a person reporting 1,000 or more sexual partners throughout his lifetime, most of whom were strangers prior to their sexual meeting and with whom sexual activity occurred only once. Only a few of these partners were persons for whom there was much care or affection or were ever seen socially again." [Male and Female, p. 139] "In early studies conducted by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control), homosexual men with AIDS reported a median of 1160 lifetime sexual partners..." [Harry W. Haverkos, M.D. and Robert Edelman, M.D., The Journal of the American Medical Association, (October 7, 1988), p. 1926] Doesn't this seem more like contempt than love to you?

Leanne Payne shows another way homosexuality can spring from and lead to viewing others as mere means to my ends rather than as children of the living God who are to be cherished and treated with respect. She asked a young man she was counseling, "'Do you know anything... about the habits of cannibals? Do you know why they eat people?' In utter astonishment he replied, 'No, I've no idea why they eat other people.'... I then told him what a missionary once told me: 'Cannibals eat only those they admire, and they eat them to get their traits." [Leanne Payne, The Broken Image, p. 46]

Ed Hurst writes, "I could not relate to...men.... I envied them, but I also despised them. At times, I wished that 'I had what they had.' Sometimes this desire became sexually confused until I thought I wanted them, not what they possessed." [Ed Hurst with Dave and Neta Jack- son, Overcoming Homosexuality, p. 40]

Have many of us been subconsciously trying to possess the manhood or womanhood we feel we don't have by acting out? Isn't it evil and futile to use another sexually for such a purpose?

Philippians 2:4-11

"Our condition is most noble, being so beloved of the most high God that He was willing to die for our sake, which He would not have done if man had not been a most noble creature and of great worth." [Bl. Angela of Foligno in Wisdom of the Saints, p. 31]

Will you treat others as objects to use or as God's children to respect?

I Peter 2:17

"Usually man does not show his body, and, when he does, it is either nervously or with an intention to fascinate. He has the impression that the alien gaze which runs over his body is stealing it from him, or else, on the other hand, that the display of his body will deliver the other person up to him, defenseless, and that in this case the other will be reduced to servitude. ...In so far as I have a body, I may be reduced to the status of an object beneath the gaze of another person, and no longer count as a person for him, or else I may become his master and, in my turn, look at him. But this mastery is self-defeating, since precisely when my value is recognized through the other person's desire, he is no longer the person by whom I wished to be recognized, but a being fascinated, deprived of his freedom, and who therefore no longer counts in my eyes." [M Merleau-Ponty, Phenomenology of Perception, p. 166-167]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 8

The words "moral inventory" and "searching and fearless" were certainly frightening. I was hurting and did not want, did not know if I could bear, any more pain. But I knew I should make my first attempt, so, gritting my teeth, I plunged in.

I had been asked to give a talk for our chapter on Step 8. I felt I could hardly share about something I had never tried. So, listing "fear", "hidden hostility", and "contempt for the world" at the top of three pieces of paper, I tried to remember the people and situations which had revealed these attitudes in my life.

It soon became apparent that fear was the driving force in my life and in my homosexuality. I was afraid of everyone. I was afraid of God. I was afraid of my parents. I was afraid of my wife. I was afraid of my children. I was afraid of people who said they were my friends. I was afraid of the members of my church. I was afraid of those in authority over me. I was afraid of those over whom I exercised authority. I was afraid of being a failure. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of being exposed. I was afraid of criticism. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of contempt. I was even afraid of being afraid. Fear dominated my life!

Behind all that fear was a deep sense of aloneness, of unworthiness, of being unlovable. At the core of my being I felt that I was not enough to get the love I wanted so desperately. I had to provide something more--some pleasure that would make a person want me, want to stay with me. Unmet needs from my relationship with my father in childhood dictated that it be a man. But I had to have a hold on him that would keep him from abandoning me.

As I thought on what I had discovered, I saw that the real force behind my homosexual feelings and activities was not love. It was not that I did not care for those with whom I was involved, but fear had fused with and corrupted that love until it had become a grasping, clutching caricature of itself.

Insight does not guarantee recovery, but it is a vital first step on the road to emotional health. Now, when tempted, I can analyze my feelings and recognize that the power I sense is neither sex nor love; it is fear! I hold on to God's promise, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). I work on developing an appropriate sense of self-worth. I share my vulner- abilities with friends and find that they understand and do not flee away. Thus my fears subside and, without anxiety to fuel them, my sexual feelings are manageable with God's help.

Am I now fear free? I fear I am not. I do not claim perfection. Recovery is, for me, a process. But my moral inventory helped me spot a problem. I am working on it. I see progress. I feel more secure. So I rejoice!

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 8

1) Set a time with your step coach, a counselor, a pastor, or a friend to hear your inventory even before you begin to make it. This will help you focus on getting the step done, even if you have to reschedule the appointment, and will give you someone from whom you can seek help should you run into difficulty. You alone can make your moral inventory, but you need not make it alone!

2) As you make your inventory, remember these words:

Arise, my soul, arise,

Shake off thy guilty fears:

The bleeding Sacrifice

In my behalf appears:

Before the Throne my Surety stands,

Before the Throne my Surety Stands,

My name is written on His hands!

Five bleeding wounds He bears,

Received on Calvary;

They pour effectual prayers,

They strongly plead for me;

Forgive him, O forgive, they cry,

Forgive him, O forgive, they cry,

Nor let that ransomed sinner die!

[Charles Wesley]

3) Write "fear" at the top of a sheet of paper, "Hidden Hostility" on another, and "Contempt for the World" on a third. Make two columns on each sheet by drawing a line down the middle. Over one column write "person"; over the other, "incidents". Take one page and list someone you have felt or feel that attitude toward in the column "persons". List each time you remember feeling this way toward that person in the column "incidents". Contin- ue until you remember no more incidents with that person. Then go on to another person. Continue until you remember no more persons or incidents for that attitude. Then take the next sheet and repeat the process until you have finished all three pages.

4) Listen to the tape Taking Stock and read the brochure The Injustice Collector listed under "STEPS 8-10" in the "HA Book Ministry list". Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 9. Ask your step coach to recommend a book from the "HA Book Ministry" list which he believes will help you with Steps 8-14 and begin reading it while continuing to work in your workbook. Journal what you learn from all this and share what you have written with your step coach.

5) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

I lay my sins on Jesus, the spotless Lamb of God;

He bears them all, and frees me from the accursed load:

I bring my guilt to Jesus, to wash my crimson stains

White in his blood most precious, till not a spot remains.

I lay my wants on Jesus; all fulness dwells in him;

He heals all my diseases, he doth my soul redeem:

I lay my griefs on Jesus, my burdens and my cares;

He from them all releases, he all my sorrows shares.

I rest my soul on Jesus, this weary soul of mind;

His right hand me embraces, I on his breast recline.

I love the Name of Jesus, Immanuel, Christ, the Lord;

Like fragrance on the breezes his Name abroad is poured.

I long to be like Jesus, meek, loving, lowly, mild;

I long to be like Jesus, the Father's holy Child:

I long to be with Jesus amid the heav'nly throng,

To sing with saints his praises, to learn the angels' song.

--

Horatius Bonar STEP 9

We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being

the exact nature of our wrongs

and humbly asked God to remove our defects of character.

Homosexuality has meant shame, hiding, masks, and deception for many of us. Some of us even took pride in our ability to keep things under wraps, to keep our feelings hidden, to go it alone. All this allowed us to continue in denial. It enabled us to convince ourselves that we would never have to deal with the consequences of our actions. It even let us talk ourselves into believing that there was no such thing as consequences.

We could only keep the truth at bay for so long. The time finally came when we could no longer hide the destructiveness of our life-style from ourselves. We were being hurt and we were hurting others--often in the name of love. Hiding merely increased our sense of isolation while destroying our self-esteem. We realized that the secrets we were keeping were keeping us from the freedom we had at last recognized we must find.

What we need, if we are to recover, is unconditional love. But our duplicity made receiving such love impossible. To know that kind of love, we must reveal ourselves--warts and all--to God, to ourselves, and to others. Confession is the key that turns the lock on the door which keeps us isolated and vulnerable to homosexuality.

Our moral inventory told us the things we needed to confess. We begin with God because He is love (see I John 4:16) and has bound Himself to forgive and cleanse all who confess to Him (see I John 1:9). We can be certain of His response!

Our acceptance of God's forgiveness empowers us to face ourselves in a new way. Knowing His forgiveness enables us to forgive ourselves. Knowing His acceptance enables us to accept ourselves.

That prepares us for full and honest confession to another human being. This is vital if we are to break the patterns of dishonesty and isolation which have kept us locked into homosexuality. Unless we take this step, we can never break through the terrible isolation that has kept us from what we have craved all along--that unconditional love and acceptance which can only come from one who knows all that we are and have done.

The one to whom we make such a confession must be carefully chosen. This person should have some understanding of homosexuality, should be able to keep our disclosures completely confidential, should have a good sense of his/her own weakness and need of grace, and should have experienced the unconditional love of God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Confession builds intimacy which is an important part of recovery, but we must be aware of our own vul- nerabilities. It is only prudent to make our confession to someone to whom we are not sexually attracted.

Confession is not an "X-rated" recounting of every sordid detail of our sexual misconduct, but is an honest facing of our character defects which have made us defenseless against our lusts. We need to face our internal motivations, the payoffs we received from homosexuality, rather than to recount titillating details of sexual encounters.

Confession is not a "blame game". While our struggles came to us as a result of things which happened in our childhood, we are responsible for our responses to these things as adults. Confession means facing our own faults, not those of others.

The person to whom we make our confession can help us put what we reveal in proper perspec- tive. It we are being too easy with ourselves, he/she can help us see through our rationalizations so that the truth can set us free. If we are being too hard on ourselves, feeling that everything that has ever gone wrong is all our fault, we can be helped to see what we are responsible for and leave to others that for which they are accountable. Thus we can begin to pray about and deal with our own problems.

Many of us have kept our lives rigorously closed for years, and this first experience of sharing ourselves with another in complete honesty can call forth differing responses. Some of us have found it wonderfully liberating; others have found it very painful. No matter what our reaction at first, all of us have found in time that, in making our confession, we turned a major corner in recovery. We took a step which can enable us never again to live closed, divided, loveless lives.

1. What should I do about those wrongs I discovered when I made my moral inventory?

Psalm 32:5

"I feel when I have sinned an immediate reluctance to go to Christ. I am ashamed to go. I feel as if it would do not good to go,--as if it were making Christ a minister of sin, to go straight from the swine-trough to the best robe,--and a thousand other excuses; but I am persuaded that they are all lies, direct from hell.... I am sure there is neither peace nor safety from deeper sin, but in going directly to the Lord Jesus Christ. This is God's way of peace and holiness. It is folly to the world and the beclouded heart, but it is the way." [Memoir and Remains of R. M. McCheyne, p. 151]

Proverbs 28:13

"No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home, but the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one's temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is present in us: it is the very sign of His presence." [Letters of C. S. Lewis, 20 January 1942]

Jeremiah 14:20

"If then any child of the Father finds that he afraid of Him, that the thought of God is a discomfort to him, or even a terror, let him make haste--let him not linger to put on any garment, but rush at once in his nakedness, a true child, for shelter from his own evil and God's terror into the salvation of the Father's arms." [George MacDonald: 365 Readings, p. 63]

I John 1:9

"The proper Christian attitude to sin is not to deny it but to admit it and so to receive the forgiveness which God has made possible and promises to us." [John Stott, "The Epistles of John," Tyndale Bible Commentaries, p. 77]

"I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him." [Letters of C. S. Lewis, 19 April 1951]

Personal Response

2. Will God be shocked?

Psalm 44:21

"Because God knows all things perfectly, He....never discovers anything. He is never surprised, never amazed." [A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy, p. 56]

Psalm 139:1-4

"How unutterably sweet is the knowledge that our Heavenly Father knows us completely. ...No forgotten skeleton can come tumbling out of some hidden closet to abash us...; no unsuspected weakness in our characters can come to light to turn God away from us, since He knew us utterly before we knew Him and called us to Himself in the full knowledge of everything that was against us." [A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy, p. 57]

Proverbs 5:21

"The truth about man is that he needs to be loved the most when he deserves it the least. Only God can fulfill this incredible need. Only God can provide a love so deep it saves from the depths." [Inspiring Quotations Contemporary & Classical, p. 81]

Jeremiah 16:17

"There is no secret of my heart which I would not pour into his ear. There is no wish that might be deemed foolish or ambitious by others, which I would not communicate to him. For surely if 'the secret of the Lord is with them that fear him' [Ps. 25:14], the secrets of them that fear him ought to be, and must be, with their Lord." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XI, (1865), p. 210]

Jeremiah 23:23,24

"God loves us the way we are, but He loves us too much to leave us that way." [Leighton Ford in Inspiring Quotations Contemporary & Classical, p. 80]

Personal Response

3. Do I need to face my wrongs in a new way myself?

Jeremiah 31:19

"He that never mourned for sin has never rejoiced in the Lord. If I can look back on my past life and say, 'I have no grief over it,' then I should do the same again if I had the opportunity. And this shows that my heart is as perverse as ever..." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Taberna- cle Pulpit XXVIII, (1882), p. 524]

Ezekiel 36:31

"If you have not a broken heart, only Christ can give it to you. If you cannot come to Him with it, come to Him for it. If you cannot come to Him wounded, come to Him that He may wound you and make you whole." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXII, (1876), p. 379]

Daniel 9:9,10

"Repentance is among other things a sincere apology to God for distrusting Him so long, and faith is throwing oneself upon Christ in complete confidence." [A. W. Tozer, The Set of the Sail, p. 124]

Daniel 10:8-12

"I was going along with my life, and, for the most part, thought I was happy. What made that belief possible was that I was out of touch with my feelings. In order to avoid the pain of the truth, my feelings had been shut down since I was a small child.... So the conclusion that I was happy held up as long as I continued to ignore the constant stirrings inside. It was like someone inside me was screaming at me to wake up, someone trapped in a cave-in, yelling out, hoping the rescuers will hear. But I had no idea how to listen, who was screaming, what the screams meant, or what to do. I was afraid.... There are two very definite reasons why for years...I wanted no part of the truth. One, I believed I was 'fundamentally bad, inadequate, defective, unworthy, and not fully valid as a human being.' Two, on an intuitive level, I knew truth meant pain. I...believed that feeling pain was bad and meant something was wrong with me. Getting down to the core of you--who you really are--is achieved by peeling off one painful layer of oppression at a time. Today I know pain is the doorway to freedom. I'm not necessarily thrilled with that reality, but it's the truth." [Bob Earll, I Got Tired of Pretending, p. 8,10]

Personal Response

4. Do I need to confess my wrongs to another human being?

Joshua 7:19,20

"We really are as sick as our secrets. As long as we are able to 'get by' without opening up about our inner defects we will do it.... To confess to another human being....in my opinion... is what makes confession the most powerful single dynamic any individual can exercise." [Tim Timmons, Anyone Anonymous, p. 79]

II Samuel 12:13

"Even A.A. oldtimers, sober for years, often pay dearly for skimping this Step. They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression; and how, unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal. They always discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people. Everybody has to confess his own." [Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 56]

"This Step, more than any other, challenges the addicts'...beliefs that if someone really knew everything about them, they would be rejected. In the unconditional acceptance of another human being, a great release of pain often occurs." [Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows, p. 141]

Acts 19:18

Herman Melville wrote Nathaniel Hawthorne, "Let us...show all our faults and weaknesses, for it is a sign of strength to be weak, to know it and out with it." [Nora Stirling, Who Wrote the Classics II, p. 59]

James 5:16

Don Baker tells of Jerry, a man in a church he pastored, who found freedom from homosex- uality. He was helped by a friend named Dan who he met in seminary. "When Jerry finally confessed to Dan that he was a practicing homosexual, Dan's eyes...filled with tears. Jerry's pain had been transmitted to a caring brother. Although he knew nothing about homosexuality, Dan was willing to learn enough to be of help."

He made himself available to Jerry any time day or night, and Jerry put that commitment to the test repeatedly. He would call when he had fallen into sin--often in the middle of the night--and he was always welcomed. "...They would sit in silence and then look at each other. Both would start to cry. ...Dan would...ask, 'Jerry, do you acknowledge that what you have done... is sin?' 'Yes,' Jerry would answer.... Dan would then ask if he had asked God's forgive- ness.... 'Oh yes, again and again--so many times that I'm ashamed to keep going back to him. How can he keep on forgiving me? How can he keep on loving me?...' Patiently, lovingly, Dan would review...basic Scriptures....designed to build up Jerry's faith and remind him that his salvation was dependent upon what Jesus Christ had done...on...Calvary, not upon what Jerry...had done.... This...was repeated dozens of times, with no lessening of...temptation on Jerry's part and no evidence of impatience from Dan."

Dan suggested that Jerry call him before acting out instead of afterwards. Jerry finally decided to give it a try. He told Dan he was tired and lonely and didn't want to fight it. He tried desperately to get Dan to hang up, finally shouting at him to finish saying what he wanted to say because he had to get going. He knew Dan and his wife were entertaining guests and expected Dan to give up on him. But he didn't. Instead he started praying and God began to melt Jerry's heart. Dan asked, "'Now, Jerry, will you go home?' 'I wish it were that easy,' Jerry said softly. 'I wish I could go home. I wish I could assure you that I'd go home--but I can't.' One more time Dan asked gently but firmly, 'Jerry, will you go home and go to bed?' There was a long silence--followed by a heavy sigh and a quiet but firm, 'Yes.' Jerry went home... For the first time...he had...broken the power of that compelling temptation. He had taken...one small step. He had obeyed God, and when he did, God calmed his wild, uncontrollable sex drive, and he went to bed and slept--a deep, peaceful sleep." [Beyond Rejection, p. 32-35]

"A man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person. As long as I am by myself in the confession of my sins, everything remains in the dark, but in the presence of a brother, the sin has to be brought into the light." [Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together, p. 116]

Personal Response

5. Can I correct my defects of character on my own?

Job 14:4

"God helps those who cannot help themselves." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXIII, (1887), p. 630]

Proverbs 20:9

"...The way of sin is down-hill; men not only cannot stop themselves, but the longer they continue in it, the faster they run..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 795]

Jeremiah 13:23

"Men hate their sins but cannot leave them." [Seneca in Gathered Gold, p. 293]

Romans 8:7,8

"It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man." [Albert Einstein in The Portable Curmudgeon, p. 141]

Titus 3:3-7

"You write much about your own sins. Beware...lest humility should pass over into anxiety or sadness. It is bidden us to 'rejoice and always rejoice.' Jesus has cancelled the handwriting which was against us. Lift up our hearts!" [Letters: C. S. Lewis/Don Giovanni Calabria, 26 December 1951]

Personal Response

6. Who can remove my defects of character?

Psalm 25:7-12

"Though you have struggled in vain against your evil habits, though you have wrestled with them sternly, and resolved, and re-resolved, only to be defeated by your giant sins and your terrible passions, there is One who can conquer all your sins for you.... He can make and keep you pure within. O, look to Him!" [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit LV, (1909), p. 420]

Psalm 51:10

"A holy man is the workmanship of the Holy Spirit." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Taberna- cle Pulpit XXX, (1884), p. 388]

Ezekiel 11:19,20

"The first link between my soul and Christ is, not my goodness, but my badness; not my merit, but my misery; not my standing, but my falling; not my riches, but my need. He comes to visit His people, yet not to admire their beauties, but to remove their deformities; not to reward their virtues, but to forgive their sins.... Go to Him as sinners...and cry, 'O Lord Jesus,...I need thy salvation.' ...Only believe in Him, and He will be your salvation." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metro- politan Tabernacle Pulpit XXX, (1884), p. 525]

Matthew 1:21

"He saves them from the guilt of sin, by washing them in His own atoning blood. He saves them from the dominion of sin, by putting in their hearts the sanctifying Spirit. He saves them from the presence of sin, when He takes them out of the world to rest with Him. He will save them from all the consequences of sin, when He shall give them a glorious body at the last day. Blessed and holy are Christ's people! From sorrow, cross, and conflict they are not saved; but they are 'saved from sin' for evermore. They are cleansed from guilt by Christ's blood. They are made fit for heaven by Christ's Spirit. This is salvation!" [J. C. Ryle, Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Matthew, p. 6]

John 3:5-7

"Men do not become Christians by association with church people, nor by religious contact, nor by religious education; they become Christians only by an invasion of their nature by the Spirit of God in the New Birth." [A. W. Tozer, The Divine Conquest, p. 113]

"So I come back to...Jesus; to the Christian notion that man's efforts to make himself personally and collectively happy in earthly terms are doomed to failure. He must indeed, as Christ said, be born again, be a new man, or he's nothing. So at least I have concluded, having failed to find...any alternative proposition. As far as I am concerned, it is Christ or nothing." [Malcolm Muggeridge in Eerdmans' Handbook to Christian Belief, p. 81]

"The new birth makes us partakers of the divine nature. There the work of undoing the dissimi- larity between us and God begins." [A. W. Tozer, Born After Midnight, p. 122] "The New birth does not produce the finished product. The new being that is born of God is as far from completeness as the new baby born an hour ago." [ibid., p. 137]

"Thus, then, are the children of God freed through regeneration from bondage to sin. Yet they do not obtain full possession of freedom so as to feel no more annoyance from their flesh, but there still remains in them a continuing occasion for struggle whereby they may be exercised; and not only exercised, but also better learn their own weakness." [John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion III.iii.10, p. 602]

Galatians 5:16

"We seek to recover our loss of dominion over the creatures, but who seeketh to recover that power which he once had over his own soul?... We all affect sovereignty, but not holiness. Men seek to conquer others, but not themselves." [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton IV, p. 291]

II Thessalonians 3:3

"It takes a deep influence in a life to enable it to stand against its only, but distorted, source of pleasure. It must be a displacing influence, a filling influence.... An empty life (needs) to be filled with Christ." [D. W. Vere in You Can Say That Again, p. 15]

Personal Response

7. What quality is necessary if I am to be free of my defects of character?

Psalm 51:17

"If you lay yourself at Christ's feet He will take you into his arms." [William Bridge in The Golden Treasury of Puritan Quotations, p. 149]

Proverbs 29:23

"...Humility is not primarily an attitude toward oneself...but towards God and...other persons. Briefly, it means the willingness to let God be God; that is, to acknowledge one's dependence upon His creative power; to rejoice in gratitude for His blessings; to adopt the ways of the Lord as one's own; to accept in contrition the judgment of God when one falls short; to trust His power and willingness to forgive and to redeem.... In relations between persons, humility is.... by no means...a synonym for selflessness (a word which does not occur in the Bible) or for a divinely sanctioned inferiority complex.... Biblical humility entails the recognition of others as invited guests at the Lord's own banquet table. The result is a regard for the will, the purposes, the feelings of others.... When Christ 'humbled Himself' (Ph. 2:8), He used His power not to domineer but to serve. There is no suggestion of an appeasing or grovelling mentality. Because biblical humility is not negative but positive, it can lead a man...'to lay down his life for his friends' (Jn 15:13)." [Edmond La B. Cherbonnier, "Humility," Dictionary of the Bible, p. 406-407]

Isaiah 57:15

"He looks upon a bleeding Christ with a bleeding heart." [Thomas Watson, Sermons, p. 23]

Micah 6:8

"Someone asked one of those Ancient Fathers how he might obtain true humility and he answered: 'By keeping your eyes off other people's faults, and fixing them on your own.'" [St. Alphonse Rodriguez in The World Treasury of Religious Quotations, p. 455]

James 4:10

"Nothing is more scandalous than a man who is proud of his humility." [Marcus Aurelius in The World Treasury of Religions Quotations, p. 454]

I Peter 5:5-7

"Better is that temptation that humbles me, than that duty which makes me proud." [Thomas Watson, A Divine Cordial, p. 26]

Personal Response

8. What must I do to get free from my defects of character?

Psalm 91:14,15

"Prayer is the key of heaven, and faith is the hand that turns it." [Thomas Watson, The Lord's Prayer, p. 10]

Psalm 145:18,19

"We must kneel before we can stand upright." [Gems From Bishop Taylor Smith's Bible, p. 50]

Jeremiah 33:3

"The tree of promise will not drop its fruit unless shaken by the hand of prayer." [Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, p. 244]

Matthew 7:7-11

"It seems to be a law of the Holy Spirit's operation that He only gives that which we definitely ...seek." [R. A. Torrey, How To Work For Christ, p. 359]

"I ought to pray before seeing any one. Often when I sleep long, or meet with others early, and then have family prayer, and breakfast, and forenoon callers, often it is eleven or twelve o'clock before I begin secret prayer. This is a wretched system. It is unscriptural. Christ rose before day, and went into a solitary place. David says, 'Early will I seek Thee; Thou shalt early hear my voice.'... Family prayer loses much of its power and sweetness; and I can do no good to those who come to seek from me. The conscience feels guilty, the soul unfed, the lamp not trimmed. Then, when secret prayer comes, the soul is often out of tune. I feel it is far better to begin with God--to see His face first--to get my soul near Him before it is near another." [Memoir and Remains of R. M. M'Cheyne, p. 156-157]

John 16:24

"God has treasures of mercy; prayer is the key that opens these treasures; and in prayer, be sure to carry Christ in your arms, for all the mercy comes through Christ." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 98]

Personal Response

9. What may hinder my prayers to be free of my defects of character?

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"Cold prayers, like cold suitors, are seldom effective in their aims." [Jim Elliot in Gathered Gold, p. 224]

Matthew 21:22

"The Lord does not play at promising. Jesus did not sport at confirming the word by His blood, and we must not make a jest of prayer by going about it in a listless, unexpecting spirit." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XVII, (1871), p. 607]

John 15:7

"If you would have God hear you when you pray, you must hear Him when He speaks." [Thomas Brooks in Gathered Gold, p. 226]

Hebrews 10:36

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg--not by smashing it." [Arnold Glasow in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 375]

"The trouble with most of us is that we stop trying in trying times." [Dennis Waitley and Remi L. Witt in A Treasury of Business Quotations, #31]

"The road...from aspiration to achievement, from promise to fulfillment, is paved with persistence, trodden with patience--or we never arrive." [R. E. O. White in You Can Say That Again, p. 227]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 9

Confess my defects of character, especially my homosexual feelings and activities, to another human being? These were things I'd spent my entire life hiding. They proved beyond doubt that I was defective as a man. To reveal them was to guarantee being held in contempt, despis- ed, sneered at, rejected, spit upon!

Yet that was what my counselor was recommending. I had just moved to Reading to get help. I visited two churches on my first Sunday in town and had bolted from both at the end of the service before anyone could ask questions about why I was in town. I didn't want to answer those questions. I was frightened. I was ashamed.

"I've spoken in the church you visited on Sunday evening," my counselor said, "and I think it would be good for you to share your story with the pastor." I was so desperate to get free that I was willing to try anything. So, with pounding heart and sweaty palms, I made an appoint- ment, went to the pastor's study, and told my story--homosexuality, exposure, divorce, loss of family and friends, despair, attempted suicide, jail--the whole sordid mess. I held back nothing. Then I waited.

His response? Compassion! He gave me his home and office phone numbers and asked me to call him at any time--day or night--if I needed help. He prayed with and for me. I saw nothing but loving concern. Someone knew all my dirty, little secrets and did not turn away in disgust!

Initially I felt only relief. I had done what I needed to do to recover and the result had not been what I had feared. But as the months went by and my pastor continued to reach out, identify with, and be there for me, subtle changes began to take place in me. Since my pastor accepted me, knowing all, I began to be able to accept myself. While some of my actions had been clearly unacceptable, I was not on that account unacceptable! I was still a part of the human race.

Since my pastor could forgive me, I began to be able to forgive myself--to acknowledge that, though I had done some terrible things, I did not have to hold them against myself or seek to punish myself for ever. I could rest in the finished work of Christ for my cleansing. Further, since my pastor did not despise me, I was enabled more and more to believe that God did not despise me and to reach out to Him in faith for help with my struggles.

Working this step was crucial to my recovery. Without it, my working of the steps which went before would have remained ever incomplete. Without it, I would have been unable to go on to the steps that remain. This step was difficult. It was terrifying! But without that confession, I would never have known my pastor's unconditional love which has played a tremendous part in securing the ever-increasing freedom I am enjoying today.

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 9

1) Set aside a time to share your inventory with God. Keep several of His promises to forgive and cleanse in front of you and claim them by faith should you feel any doubt of His acceptance. Should uncomfortable feelings remain concerning any item on your moral inventory, be sure to discuss them with your step coach or the one to whom you make your confession.

2) Set aside a time to consider your inventory yourself. What character defects did you discover? Write your feelings about them in your journal. Forgive and accept yourself, as God forgives and accepts you in Christ, and make a list of the character defects you intend to ask Him to remove from your life.

3) Set aside time to share your inventory with another human being. Choose the person carefully considering the qualities suggested in the opening section of this chapter. Confession need not be made all at once but can be done at two or three sittings. Take as much time as you need and stop if things become too painful. Make another appoint- ment and continue until you have shared everything. Remember, you must be completely honest. Hold nothing back. Ask for feedback from the one with whom you share. Journal your feelings during the process and discuss them with your step coach.

4) Listen to the tape Something Good for the Soul! under "STEPS 8-10" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 10 and continue reading the book your step coach recommended to help you with Steps 8-14. Also continue to work in your workbook. Journal what you learn from all this and share what you have written with your step coach.

5) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

STEP 10

We willingly made direct amends

wherever wise and possible

to all people we had harmed.

In Step 8, we identified our wrongs. In Step 9, we confessed them, asking God to remove them. In Step 10 we take action against them. We seek, as far as lies within us, to undo any harm we have done and heal any wounds we have inflicted.

In the past when we wronged someone, many of us simply indulged in futile wishing that it had never happened. Now we choose to live in reality by gratefully acknowledging that though we cannot change the past, we can do something about the present and the future.

In the past, many of us bottled up the guilt we felt when we hurt another person. We often withdrew from that person and sometimes developed deep resentments toward those we had injured. Far from improving matters, withdrawal and resentment only fed the deep fears of abandonment and rejection which had fueled our homosexual struggle. Now we learn from Step 10 how to work through our resentments and resolve the problems within our relationships by going directly to the people we have harmed, admitting our wrongs, asking forgiveness, and trying to repair any damage we have done.

Obviously this is not easy! It takes enormous courage to reach out to someone and admit that we have wronged them. Some of us, to spare ourselves the pain of face-to-face contact, tried to find an "easier, softer way". We sought to make it easier on ourselves, for instance, by writing a letter instead of going directly to the one we had grieved. This only documented what we were trying to erase and often left our relationships weighted down with even more misun- derstandings than before.

Some of us did find that writing a letter was a good way to collect our thoughts. A few of us even had to hand that letter to the one we had wronged, asking them to read it in our presence because we simply could not find the words we needed to express our grief. Then we tried to answer his or her questions and elaborate on what we had written. Some of us had to telephone the one we had wronged because we feared that a meeting might lead to a fall. But all of us have found that there is no substitute for direct contact with the one we have harmed in this difficult but liberating process.

The process itself is a simple one. First, we make a list of all the people we have harmed including those with whom we have been sexually involved, the members of our family of origin and/or by marriage (spouses and children), our church family, the people with whom we work, and any persons or groups toward whom we have manifested resentment, prejudice, or intoler- ance. Second, we prioritize that list giving first place to those with whom we are most intimately related and who have been most seriously and most recently hurt. Third, we explore in writing how we have wronged them and share our findings with our step coach or the one to whom we made our confession, asking their input on what we have written and their guidance as to the wisdom and possibility of making amends. Fourth, we call the person we hurt and make an appointment to see them. Fifth, we express our grief at the ways in which we wronged them and our willingness to do whatever we can to make amends. We ask how they feel about what we have shared and what they feel would be appropriate amends. We earnestly try to follow through on any commitments we make to them.

There are some cautions we would suggest. Remember, the primary goal is not to relieve our guilt-feelings, but to correct our wrongs. Therefore we should never try to make amends when to do so would injure another person. While our efforts may cause some discomfort, our goal is not our personal ease, but to relieve the suffering of those we have injured. We must walk a fine line between rationalizations that keep us from making amends where we can, and folly that leads us to dump our problems on others without weighing the impact on them. Seek counsel from your step coach as to whether or not it is wise to try to make amends in a given situation.

It is also important to remember that making amends is more than simply offering an apology. It includes a commitment to change those attitudes and behaviors which caused the wounds in the first place. Be sure to include yourself on the list of those you have injured and to whom you need to make amends. All of us have been our own worst enemies! We make amends to ourselves by not being harsh with ourselves, as we have in the past, and by resolving to stay in recovery and avoid future falls!

Do guard against letting this process undermine your newly discovered sense of God's acceptance and your own worth before Him. "...The blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanseth us from all sin" (I John 1:7). If you are trusting in Christ, you are no longer guilty, you are forgiven; you are no longer dirty, you are clean! Don't try to punish yourself. Our Savior took all the punishment we deserve and cried, "It is finished" (John 19:30)! To try and punish yourself is to deny the adequacy of His sacrifice for you. While we often have to endure some consequences because of our actions, we ought not to add to the misery they have already caused and thus rob Christ of His glory as Savior. Though you have hurt others, you are forgiven. In most instances you will be able to make amends and avoid making the same mistakes again. The goal of Step 10 is healing others' wounds, not inflicting fresh ones on yourself!

Obviously, you may never be able to fix everything you have done wrong, but you can repair some of the damage. Confessing that you hurt someone does not take away their pain, but con- fessing, accepting responsibility, explaining your struggle, and allowing the person to express his or her feelings opens a line of communication which can lead to an improved relationship.

Remember your limitations. You can only confess the harm you have caused in the past and do your best to behave differently in the future. You cannot control the way others respond to your past actions or your present attempts at making amends. Realistically, you will not be able to rebuild all of your friendships. Some of those who have been hurt will not want to risk relating to you again. You have done all that you can. Their fears are their problem. Others will need lots of time and support before they can forgive or trust you. Remember, the purpose of making amends is not to get something, but to ease the pain of those you wounded.

A few people may make unreasonable demands. They may still be angry and wish to use amends as a way to punish you. If you suspect this, discuss the matter with your step coach. If he or she agrees, tell the person making the demands that you are sorry for your wrong but you cannot do all that they ask. Assure them that you will do whatever you can to restore the relationship. Do so, and move on!

This whole process teaches us how to deal with new failures as soon as they occur. Recovery proceeds slowly and imperfectly--one day at a time, one choice at a time. Steps 8-10 teach us how to deal with our mistakes as we make them rather than letting things pile up until we are overwhelmed.

The restored relationships which result from working Step 10 give us a pool of people who know us, love us, understand us, and support us as we walk the path of freedom in Christ. We now have folk with whom we have been and can continue to be completely open and honest. Having removed the impediments that kept us fearful of them, we can now receive the love and support we need to help us recover.

1. Does the Bible encourage making amends?

Numbers 5:5-8

"If a man overreach or defraud his brother in any matter, it is to be looked upon as a trespass against the Lord, who...strictly charges...us to do justly. Now what is to be done when a man's awakened conscience charges him with guilt of this kind, and brings it to his remembrance though done long ago? 1. He must confess his sin, confess it to God, confess it to his neigh- bor... If he has denied it before, though it go against the grain to own himself in a lie, yet he must do it... 2. He must bring a sacrifice, a ram of atonement, v.8 (see John 1:29). Satisfac- tion must be made for the offence done to God, whose law is broken, as well as for the loss sustained by our neighbor; restitution...is not sufficient without faith and repentance. 3. ...Amends...(must be) made to the party wronged, not only the principal, but a fifth part added to it, v.7." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible I, p. 580]

The command to bring a ram of atonement teaches us that making amends (our work) is not the same as making atonement (Christ's work). We do not make amends in hopes that this will blot out our sins or earn us acceptance with God. We are not our own saviors. Jesus saves! He washes us from our sins in His own blood (Revelation 1:5). We are accepted in the Beloved (Ephesians 1:6). Having been forgiven and accepted in Christ, we make amends to repair as much of the damage we have done to others as we can.

Proverbs 3:27

Many of us tried to blot out our guilt-feelings by engaging in sexual activity. Those who have wronged others "need not feel guilt and shame forever. Amends-making gives them the oppor- tunity for dignity. They learn that when they make a mistake, they don't have to retreat into the secret world. In most cases, people will accept their efforts to right the wrongs they have done." [Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows, p. 141]

Matthew 5:9

"Peacemakers" "are not only passively peaceful, like the meek, who keep the peace; but actively peaceful by endeavoring to end...contentions, and so make peace." [C. H. Spurgeon, The Gospel of the Kingdom, p. 49]

Matthew 5:23-26

"Our Lord...paints...a scene in the Jewish Temple. The worshipper is about to offer a 'gift'... and stands at the altar with the priest waiting to do his work. That is the right time for recollection and self-scrutiny. The worshipper is to ask himself, not whether he has a ground of complaint against any one, but whether any one has cause of complaint against him. ...Has he injured his neighbor by act, or spoken bitter words against him?... To leave the gift and the priest, the act of sacrifice unfinished, would be strange and startling, yet that, our Lord teaches, were better than to sacrifice with the sense of a wrong unconfessed.... There must be... confession of wrong and the endeavor to make amends, to bring about, as far as in us lies, reconciliation.... The imagery is changed...to that of human tribunals... The man we have wronged appears as the 'adversary,' the prosecutor bringing his charge against us. The impulse of the natural man at such a time, even if conscious of wrong, is to make the best of his case, to prevaricate, to recriminate. The truer wisdom, Christ teaches, is to 'agree'--better, to be on good terms with--show our own good will and so win his." [E. H. Plumptre, "The Gospel According to St. Matthew," Ellicott's Commentary on the Whole Bible VI, p. 26]

"Jesus' demand for reconciliation naturally does not imply that there are no limits to what is possible or permissible, especially if one's adversary is harboring an unjust grievance. He does not raise this possibility here, however. Instead all emphasis falls on the danger that the heavenly Judge might find one's willingness to be reconciled inadequate..." [H. N. Ridderbos, "Matthew," Bible Student's Commentary, p. 107]

Matthew 7:12

"Such as would have their prayers granted must not live as they please but do to others as in reason they would be done to by others." [David Dickson, A Brief Exposition of the Evangel of Jesus Christ According to Matthew, p. 88]

"In the Golden Rule...the Sermon reaches its climax; it is 'the capstone of the whole dis- course.'... It is of course assumed that men wish to have done to them what is really good for them: wishes for what is pleasant but harmful are not included.... What we desire from our neighbors is love,--true, constant, discerning love: and it is from our experience of our own needs in this respect that we can discern how much love of the same kind we owe to others." [Alfred Plummer, An Exegetical Commentary on the Gospel of Matthew, p. 113-114]

"There are too many people, and too few human beings." [Robert Zend in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 380]

Romans 12:18

We cannot control the responses of others (hence the words "if it be possible"), but we can give our efforts to make amends our all (hence the words "as much as lieth in you"). That is all God expects. "The responsibility for discord must to no extent be traceable to failure on our part to do all that is compatible with holiness, truth and right." [John Murray, "The Epistle to the Romans," The New International Commentary on the New Testament II, p. 139]

Personal Response

2. Does the Bible give examples to follow in making amends?

Luke 15:11-24

This is the best biblical example of the need for, process of, and desired result in making amends. The prodigal son had wounded his father terribly. The young man's folly also caused him deep pain. Pain brought him to his senses. He longed to restore his relationship with his father so he carefully thought out what he wanted to say and, when they met, used those very words. "He did not try to excuse his behavior or minimize his offence. He did not make any claims on his father. He spoke honestly, directly, and with a contrite heart." [Claire W., God, Help Me Stop, p. 56] He acknowledged his guilt and offered to do whatever he could to repair the damage he had done. His father's response was all the son could have asked, and far more than he expected. May you experience all the joy of reconciliation here revealed!

Luke 19:8

The Greek "shows that he is not in doubt about past malpractices: 'if, as I know is the case, I have,' etc." [Alfred Plummer, "The Gospel According to S. Luke," The International Critical Commentary, p. 435]

Acts 19:18,19

Those who struggle with pornography can learn much from the example of the people of Ephesus.

Personal Response

3. Will everyone accept my attempts to make amends?

Proverbs 10:12

"Hatred, however varnished by smooth pretence, is the selfish principle of man... Like a sub- terraneous fire, it continually stirs up mischief, creates or keeps alive rankling coldness, disgusts, dislikes, 'envyings and evil surmisings'.... Love covers, overlooks, speedily forgives and forgets." [Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 97]

Luke 15:25-32

"Let us beware of this spirit infecting our own hearts.... Men begin by not seeing their own sinfulness and unworthiness, and...fancy that they are much better than others.... The man who really feels that we all stand by grace and are all debtors, and that the best of us has nothing to boast of and has nothing which he has not received,--such a man will not be found talking like the 'elder brother.'" [J. C. Ryle, "Luke," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels II, p. 191]

Acts 9:26,27

It may be that even some Christians will be afraid to risk trusting us again, but God always has people like Barnabas who will open their hearts to us and help us rebuild our shattered relation- ships.

James 3:13-18

We cannot control other's responses to our efforts to make amends. To try to do so is to bring nothing but frustration to our lives. If someone is unwilling or unable to respond to us in love, that is their problem. We can only try to live out our recovery and pray that they will be able to work their difficulties through with God's help.

We can, however, control our responses to other people and, by God's grace, see that those responses spring from "the wisdom that is from above." We can learn to pray and live the Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me

SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,

COURAGE to change the things I can, and

WISDOM to know the difference."

Personal Response

4. Do I need to be afraid of how others might respond?

Psalm 118:6

"A sovereign Protector I have,

Unseen, yet for ever at hand,

Unchangeably faithful to save,

Almighty to rule and command.

He smiles, and my comforts abound;

His grace as the dew shall descend;

And walls of salvation surround

The soul he delights to defend." [Augustus M. Toplady in Gathered Gold, p. 278]

"Were the diver to think on the jaws of the shark, he would never lay hands on the pearl." [Sa'di, c. 1258 in You Can Say That Again, p. 96]

Proverbs 16:7

"God can turn foes into friends when He pleases." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 881]

"God will take care of His people. Peace or war shall turn to their everlasting good." [Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 232]

Romans 8:31

"If Jesus is our righteousness,

then no human is better or worse than me.

If we fight not against flesh and blood,

but against spiritual forces and principalities,

then no human is my enemy.

If God is my provision,

then I don't need to lay up treasures on earth

or defensively hoard and protect my possessions.

If God is our creator,

then every human is worth knowing, and respecting, and serving

as a beautiful, unique, amazing example of God's love and creativity,

no matter how poor or socially different from me.

If God is my protector,

I do not need to be afraid of any change, or any person,

or any circumstance.

If God is my forgiveness,

I do not need to be afraid of stumbling or falling;

Besides, He does not give us fear and timidity,

but love, power, and clear thinking."

[Jim Hornsby in Sarah Hornsby, Who I Am In Jesus, last page]

II Timothy 1:7

"The faint-hearted mistrust themselves and others; and they discourage themselves and others. They anticipate dangers and difficulties, and thereby sometimes create them; and they anticipate failure, and thereby often bring it about." [Alfred Plummer, "The Pastoral Epistles," The Expositor's Bible VI, p. 462]

Hebrews 13:5,6

"The atheist counts his enemies; the saint looks up to God." [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 53]

Personal Response

5. What else might be hindering my making amends?

Matthew 6:14,15

At times we may have difficulty making amends because we know the other person is also in the wrong. We play a complicated game of blame and thus overlook our own faults.

Someone has said that whatever the sinful situation in which we find ourselves, it's never 100% the other person's fault. We did play a role. We could have responded differently. We could have resisted. These are things for which we should make amends. Accepting some responsibil- ity keeps us humble and helps us recognize that self-righteousness has no place in the healing process.

Further, we often find it difficult to forgive in others the very things for which we need to be forgiven. We find ourselves condemning in others the things which remind us of ourselves. We may even enter into judgment with others to minimize our own feelings of guilt over similar deeds--or desires.

So let's leave the process of fixing exact liability to courts and insurance companies. Let's forgive others their faults and make amends for our wrongs.

Matthew 7:1-5

There are few things you can do which are less profitable than taking another person's inventory. When we do so, we usually end up in the position of the "woman who went to a psychiatrist wearing a strip of bacon over each ear and a fried egg on top of her head. She said to him, 'I've come to see you about my brother.'" [Vance Havner, Pepper 'N Salt, p. 72] We must concentrate on our own shortcomings!

This does not mean that we are to be blind to real evil. The Bible warns, "Woe to them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness..." (Isaiah 5:20). It does mean, as one translator renders verse 1, "Stop pronouncing censorious criticisms..." [Kenneth Wuest, The Gospels, p. 53] James Denney warns, "The natural man loves to find fault; it gives him at the cheapest rate the comfortable feeling of superiority." [John Randolph Taylor, God Loves Like That!, p. 180]

Those feelings of superiority are the very opposite of the love we must develop if we are to find the freedom we seek. "If I do not give a friend 'the benefit of the doubt,' but put the worst construction instead of the best on what is said or done, then I know nothing of Calvary love." [Amy Carmichael, If, p. 35] "If I can easily discuss the shortcomings and the sins of any; if I can speak in a casual way even of a child's misdoings, then I know nothing of Calvary love." [ibid., p. 6] "If it's very painful for you to criticize your friends, you're safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that's the time to hold your tongue." [Jacob Baude, Second Encyclopedia of Stories, Quotations and Anecdotes, #552]

Matthew 16:24

"Then as now, some wanted a Messiah who would meet all their own needs and desires; but Jesus turned out to be a Messiah who demands shameful death to self-interest. Self-fulfillment, even in following Jesus the Messiah, depends on self-abnegation; whereas pursuit of self-interest results only in frustration, death, and judgment when the Son of Man comes again..." [D. A. Carson, God With Us, p. 101] "None so empty as those who are full of them- selves." [Benjamin Whichcote in The Oxford Book of Aphorisms, p. 62]

Matthew 18:21-35

"If the ten thousand talents were gold, it would be worth over a billion dollars in today's currency. Over against that staggering sum is the 100 denarii--about 100 days' wages for a common laborer, perhaps five thousand dollars. The purpose of the parable was not to suggest that we can earn the king's forgiveness by forgiving others, but to point out that all the for-giveness we are called upon to grant is a mere speck when compared with the grotesque amount for which we need forgiveness by the king." [D. A. Carson, God With Us, p. 113-114]

Romans 2:1

"A southern boy was arraigned in juvenile court for stealing a watermelon. He was guilty. ...The judge asked, 'Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?' The boy thought for a minute, then said, 'Judge, have YOU ever stolen a watermelon?' A painful silence per- vaded the court room. Finally the judge blurted out, 'No cross examination allowed! CASE DISMISSED!'" [Knight's Master Book of New Illustrations, p. 627]

Romans 14:4

"The easiest words for self to utter are: 'It's your fault.' The hardest words for self to utter are: 'I blew it.'... Do you realize how many relationships could be salvaged right now if one of the people in the relationship would confess to wrong.... But confessing and apologizing are so difficult for us that we would rather be estranged from people than swallow our pride and take some steps toward reconciliation." [Judson Edwards, What They Never Told Us About How To Get Along With Each Other, p. 23]

Romans 14:10-13

"Perhaps there is not a more effectual key to the discovery of hypocrisy than a censorious temper. The man possessed of real virtue knows the difficulty of attaining it; and is, of course, more inclined to pity others, who happen to fail in the pursuit." [William Shenstone, Essays on Men and Manners, 1764, in The Oxford Book of Aphorisms, p. 198]

"To survive the day is triumph enough for the walking wounded among the great many of us." [Studs Terkel in A Treasury of Business Quotations, #301]

James 4:12

"Humility is indispensable for God's scholars." [A. F. Kirkpatrick, The Book of Psalms, p. 134]

"...Authentic spiritual growth is accompanied by increasing awareness of one's own need for God's mercy rather than pride in one's holiness." [Gerald May, Addiction and Grace, p. 53]

Personal Response

6. How am I to respond to those who hurt me?

Proverbs 15:1

"The soft answer is the water to quench--grievous words are the oil to stir up, the fire. And this is, alas! man's natural propensity, to feed rather than to quench, the angry flame.... Soft and healing words gain a double victory--over ourselves and our brother." [Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 196]

Matthew 18:15-17

"...In Christ's teaching....the duty of unlimited forgiveness is most plainly enjoined. but not that weak forgiveness which consists simply in permitting a man to trespass as he chooses. For- giveness and faithfulness go hand in hand. The forgiveness of the Christian is in no case to be the offspring of a weak...indifference to wrong. It is to spring from gratitude and love: gratitude to God, Who has forgiven his enormous debt, and love to the enemy who has wronged him. It must be combined with that faithfulness and fortitude which constrains him to go to the offending party and frankly though kindly, tell him his fault." [John Monro Gibson, "The Gospel of St. Matthew," The Expositor's Bible IV, p. 763]

"The trespasses referred to are of course real. Much...needless trouble often comes of 'offenses' which exist only in imagination... Such offenses are not worthy of consideration at all. It is further observed that our Lord is not dealing with ordinary quarrels where there are faults on both sides, in which case the first step would not be to tell the brother his fault but to acknowledge our own. The trespass, then, being real, and the fault all on the other side, how is the disciple of Christ to react?... Pay no heed to it?... That might be the best way to deal with offenses on the part of those that are without; but it would be a sad want of true brotherly love to take this easy way with a fellow-disciple. It is certainly better to overlook an injury than to resent it; yet our Lord shows a more excellent way. His is not the way of selfish resentment nor of haughty indifference; but of thoughtful concern for the welfare of him who has done the injury.... If a man sets out with the object of gaining his cause or getting satisfaction, he had better let it alone; but if he wishes, not to gain a barren triumph for himself, but to gain his brother, let him proceed according to the wise instructions of our Lord and Master." [ibid., p. 762]

Luke 6:27,28

"The conduct here recommended is beautifully exemplified in the case of our Lord praying for those that crucified Him, and Stephen praying for those who stoned him. Luke xxiii.34; Acts vii.60." [J. C. Ryle, "Luke," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels I, p. 187]

Luke 6:37

"The act of forgiving...is a wonderfully simple act; but it always happens inside a storm of complex emotions. It is the hardest trick in the whole bag of personal relationships....

"We forgive in four stages. If we can travel through all four, we achieve the climax of reconciliation.

"The first stage is hurt: when somebody causes you pain so deep and unfair that you cannot forget it...

"The second stage is hate: you cannot shake the memory of how much you were hurt, and you cannot wish your enemy well. You sometimes want the person who hurt you to suffer as you are suffering.

"The third stage is healing: you...see the person who hurt you in a new light. Your memory is healed, you turn back the flow of pain and are free again.

"The fourth stage is the coming together: you invite the person who hurt you back into your life; if he or she comes honestly, love can move you both toward a new and healed relationship. The fourth stage depends on the person you forgive as much as it depends on you; sometimes he doesn't come back and you have to be healed alone." [Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget, p. 18]

Forgiveness is a process which usually takes time and may need to be repeated. You can have forgiven to the best of your ability only to find unwanted anger in your heart again. Don't let such feelings make you believe you did not truly forgive. New feelings have come from your subconscious. Simply repeat the process of forgiveness until such feelings arise no more.

Romans 12:9

"Never get into a spraying match with a skunk." [Mark Hatfield in Leadership, p. 204]

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." [Eleanor Roosevelt in Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, p. 786, #12]

"To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it." [Confucius in Leadership, p. 203]

Galatians 6:1

"First, what does the word restore mean? The Greek word is used in the New Testament for the mending of nets and for the setting of a broken bone.... Restoration means that a fallen believer is back in full fellowship with God and the church....

"Second, who should take the initiative? Paul's answer is 'you who are spiritual.'... The spiritual person....knows that if a brother has been wounded, then he has been wounded too. He is sensitive and realizes that if a broken bone is not set properly, it may never heal properly... More importantly, he knows that his own heart could commit the same sin given the right circumstances. He knows that the only difference between himself and the other is the grace of God.

"...Third...: How should one go? 'With a spirit of gentleness.' If a person has a broken bone, he does not want it pushed into place with a crowbar." [Erwin Lutzer, When A Good Man Falls, p. 129-131]

"...If ye see any brother cast down and afflicted by occasion of sin which he hath committed, run unto him, and reaching out your hand, raise him up again, comfort him with sweet words, and embrace him with motherly arms. As for those that be hard-hearted and obstinate, which without fear continue careless in their sins, rebuke them sharply." [Martin Luther, A Com- mentary on St. Paul's Epistle to the Galatians, p. 538]

James 1:19,20

"...Hath not Nature taught us the same that the apostle here doth, by giving us two ears, and those open; and but one tongue, and that hedged in with teeth and lips?" [John Trapp, A Com- mentary or Exposition Upon All the Books of the New Testament, p. 695]

"If your heart is a volcano how shall you expect flowers to bloom in your hands?" [Kahil Gibran, Sand and Foam, p. 36]

I Peter 3:8-16

"To render railing for railing, is to think to wash off dirt with dirt." [John Trapp, A Com- mentary or Exposition Upon All the Books of the New Testament, p. 711]

The question of how to deal with people who have wounded us is more complicated than the question of how to deal with those we have hurt. The Bible teaches that there are times to speak, and times to be silent; times to confront, and times to forbear. How are we to know what to do in a given situation?

When in doubt, we can always seek counsel from our step coach or the one to whom we made our confession. We cannot make others responsible for our choices, but we can get insights and ask for prayer from those we trust to help us choose wisely. We alone are responsible for our decisions, but we need not decide alone.

Having sought the advice of friends, we can also lay the matter before our heavenly Father. We can ask Him to show us our own hearts (Psalm 139:23,24). We can ask for wisdom (James 1:5). We can ask God to give us and the ones we are called to confront a right spirit and a tender, loving, humble heart.

Now we must make our decision and act on it. Remember, there is no perfection here. We are not the Creator, but merely creatures; not infinite, but limited; not infallible, but liable to err. Further, we are not sinless creatures, but fallen ones. God has not chosen to perfect us at conversion, but calls us to grow up into Christ in all things (Ephesians 4:15). Sin can still put one over on us, but we do not have to let our lack of perfection paralyze us. We are counted righteous in Christ (Romans 4:5; 8:1), and, if we err, have learned how to correct our faults through working this step.

Finally, let us not make the mistake of thinking that if we do everything right, we will be loved; but, if we are rejected, we must have done something wrong. We do not follow the Bible to control the responses of others. We follow the Bible because we love the God who gave it and have entrusted our lives to Him. As we do so, many people will respond positively to us; others will not. Jesus "did no sin" (I Peter 2:22) but was "despised and rejected of men" (Isaiah 53:3). "The servant is not greater than his lord" (John 15:20). Let us do our best, trust in Christ, and commit ourselves "to him that judgeth righteously" (I Peter 2:23).

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 10

Fear of rejection has always been a major problem for me. That fear made even thinking about working Step 10 painful. Still, making amends is an integral part of recovery. If I really want to enjoy freedom, I simply have to build this pattern into my life.

In the past, my pattern had been to avoid people who were angry with me as much as possible. When I couldn't stay away from them, I studiously avoided the subject which had led to trouble between us. The result was that we were always tense when we were together and so stayed away from one another whenever we could.

I'll never forget the first time I broke with the old pattern and put on the new. I went to see my former insurance agent on business. He had been a member of the church of which I had been pastor and, like others, had been deeply hurt by the exposure of my homosexuality. When our business was completed, I asked if he would close the door so I could speak to him about some- thing personal. As soon as the door was closed I said, "I've failed you both as a pastor and as a man and I want to ask your forgiveness."

Tears came to his eyes and he called his wife into the office. He told her what I had said and added, "You can't ask for more than that a man admit that he's been wrong." He and his wife took my hands and offered heartfelt prayer for me. Few experiences in my life have been more healing.

I'm still in the process of making amends to those I've hurt. Most have responded kindly; some needed time to work through their hurts; a few have been unwilling to forgive; one or two would not even hear me. Whatever the response, I have the peace that comes from knowing I am doing what I can to rectify my past failures. Some of the people I wounded are now among my staunchest supporters, so I am less alone. I've found that making amends enables me to move on in my life with a clear conscience, unfettered by the past, and that feels good!

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 10

1) Make a list of those to whom you need to make amends as outlined at the beginning of this chapter.

2) In your journal, write what you want to say to the first person on your amends-making list and discuss what you have written with your step coach. If wise and possible, make an appointment to make amends with that person and report the outcome to your step coach.

3) Listen to the tape Restoration under "STEPS 8-10" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 11 and continue reading the book your step coach recommended to help you with Steps 8-14. Continue to work in your workbook. Journal what you are learning from all of this and share your findings with your step coach.

4) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

All the way my Savior leads me--

What have I to ask beside?

Can I doubt his tender mercy

Who through life has been my Guide?

Heavenly peace, divinest comfort,

Here by faith in him to dwell--

For I know, whate'er befall me,

Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me,

Cheers each winding path I tread,

Gives me grace for ev'ry trial,

Feeds me with the living Bread,

Though my weary steps may falter,

And my soul athirst may be,

Gushing from the rock before me,

Lo, a spring of joy I see!

All the way my Savior leads me--

O the fulness of his love!

Perfect rest to me is promised

In my Father's house above:

When my spirit, clothed, immortal,

Wings its flight to realms of day,

This my song through endless ages:

Jesus led me all the way!

--

Fanny J. Crosby STEP 11

We determined to live no longer in fear of the world,

believing that God's victorious control

turns all that is against us into our favor,

bringing advantage out of sorrow and order from disaster.

In Step 10 we dealt with those things which had ruined our past relationships. In Step 11, we face the great enemy which hinders the development of present friendships--fear!

Fear has made many of us lonely and miserable for a long time. Some of us have been terror- ized and isolated by our own sexual feelings. We have avoided getting close to any attractive person of our own sex for fear our friendship might end up in bed. Some of us even used marriage as a way of fleeing persons of our own sex and the anxiety their society aroused. This only served to guarantee that our unmet, same-sex, parent-child emotional needs remained unmet. Thus we remained stuck in our homosexual struggle. We felt empty and lonely and these feelings virtually drove us into homosexual activity in a desperate but misguided attempt to meet out needs. We found fear pushing us into the very things we had hoped our anxiety would help us avoid!

Others of us were not so much afraid of ourselves as of others. We lived with feelings which bordered on paranoia, fearing that someone would find out about our struggle and reject or expose us. So we kept everyone at emotional arms' length. We never let anyone really know us. We lived double lives, seeing to it that our straight friends knew nothing of our struggle and our sexual partners knew nothing of the pain we felt because of our homosexual activities. The result was a feeling of utter aloneness, gnawing at our souls, driving us to substitute physical intimacy for the emotional intimacy for which we were hungering.

Some of us were crippled by the fear that we would fail to measure up as a "masculine" man or a "feminine" woman. For many of us, this fear sprang from a disruption in childhood of our relationship with our same-sex parent. We were hurt in some way in that relationship and detached emotionally. Many of us said in our hearts, "I don't want to be like him/her." This robbed us of adequate role models to help us develop a healthy gender identity. We found it difficult to identify with others of the same sex who we perceived to be like the one we had rejected. Some of us found little acceptance from children of our own age and sex, and most of us, even if accepted, somehow felt we were outsiders. Thus longings for acceptance from persons of the same sex fused with feelings of anger and anxiety and continued to do their destructive work in our hearts, leaving us with tremendous feelings of inadequacy in our roles as men and women.

Some of us failed to develop the gifts or interests that would enable us to fit in with persons of the same sex, while others accepted extreme stereotypes leading us to think we had to be a muscle man or a cover girl to be truly masculine or feminine. We compared our inner anxiety with the outward confidence we saw in others and thought that no one else had ever felt the kind of fears we were experiencing. We told ourselves, "I just can't be a 'real' man or woman," and then wondered why we felt so uncomfortable in the company of the "normal" men and women with whom we thought we could never compete. Some women strugglers had the added fear that if they "succeeded" in becoming "feminine", they would be treated like sex objects by men who would behave like brutes!

As you read these words, you may be thinking, "Fear has devastated my life and will continue to do so unless I overcome it. But how?"

The biblical answer to fear is faith in our loving, sovereign God! In Ephesians 6:10-18, Paul challenges believers to be strong in the Lord and to prayerfully put on the whole armor of God which includes the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of readiness that comes from the gospel of peace, the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God, and the helmet of salvation; "above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one."

As we worked Steps 1-7, we were given an appreciation of the nature and trustworthiness of our God. Working Steps 8-10 led to experiences that confirmed our faith in His love and care. We actually saw Him working in our life and in the lives of others, "bringing advantage out of sorrow and order from disaster."

In Step 11, we make a final assault on the stronghold of fear which has kept us enslaved to that which, by God's grace, we have come to hate. Working this step is the key to building healthy friendships (Step 12), drawing ever nearer to God (Step 13), and being equipped to reach out to others (Step 14). Working this step will remove the barriers which have kept us for so long from finding freedom from homosexuality.

1. Does the Bible teach that fear is always wrong?

Proverbs 22:3

"Virtually all cultures, religions, and ethical systems place a high priority on openness.... Yet from the first moments of awareness, we receive mixed messages about revealing ourselves to others.... If the ability to conceal ourselves were all negative, it would have dropped out of our repertoire long ago. No trait persists through the siftings of the generations unless it has some positive value.... The ability to conceal one's thoughts has a valid place in the human drama, just as the ability to share one's feelings has.... All self-disclosure is not uniformly good. The purpose of self-disclosure is to deepen the foundations of intimacy by sharing something signifi- cant with someone significant. The purpose of self-disclosure is to...lay claim to one's secrets in a way that promotes awareness and well-being." [Marie Lindquist, Holding Back: Why We Hide the Truth About Ourselves, p. 17,21]

Proverbs 29:1

"Fear, per se, is not wrong. God implanted all emotions in man.... Fear of dangers (e.g., falling over the cliff) that leads one to take necessary precautions is right and holy so long as it rests upon and grows out of a faith and trust in the providence of God. In this sense Jesus undoubtedly entertained the sort of precautionary concern that is necessary for righteous living." [Jay Adams, The Christian Counselor's Manual, p. 415]

Ecclesiastes 12:13

"The fear of the Lord...is not the slave's dread of punishment. It has no 'torment' and is compatible with childlike love." [E. H. Plumptre, "The Book of Proverbs," The Bible Commentary IV, p. 530]

"It is that affectionate reverence, by which the child of God bends himself humbly and carefully to his Father's law." [Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 3-4]

Hosea 3:5

"What God is inspires awe; what God has done for His people commands affection." [William Arnot, Laws From Heaven for Life on Earth, p. 19]

II Corinthians 7:1

"The fear of God...consists in awe, reverence, honor, and worship..." [John Murray, Principles of Conduct, p. 236] "The fear of God is the soul of godliness." [ibid., p. 229]

Hebrews 11:7

"I asked (Dr. Paul Tournier) how he helped his patients get rid of their fears. 'I don't,' he said. 'Fear has a purpose.'" [Bruce Larson, Living Beyond Our Fears, p. 9]

"There is nothing Christian about the denial of reality. The courage of the Christian doesn't come without fear. When you don't have any fear, you don't need any courage. Courage can only be defined in the context of fear. If you never know fear, you will never know courage." [Stephen Brown, No More Mr. Nice Guy!, p. 133]

Personal Response

2. Does the Bible teach that fear is always good?

Deuteronomy 1:21

"Among Christians there is a wide variety of views about anxiety. At one end of the continuum some...are almost indistinguishable from the existentialists, emphasizing man's search for identity, self, and meaning, and the resulting existential angst. They seem to deemphasize both Scripture and the idea of a personal God who holds the answers to the human condition. On the other end of the spectrum are...writers who focus upon the sins of fear and doubt of God's pro- vision, calling people to repentance, deliverance, and an end to anxiety through prayer and meditation.... Those in the middle accept the Christian ideal of a life free from worry as well as the fact of fallenness in ourselves and the creation.... They would agree that even though anxiety may not be desirable, the route to eliminating it is not repression and denial but rather the acceptance of our anxious feelings as real.... As it was with the Israelites (e.g. I Sam. 17:47), our 'battles are the Lord's.' If he is for us, why should we fear? Yet knowing this intellectually is only the first step. The Holy Spirit must work into believers God's peace. This peace results from a relationship with him..." [Dale Simpson, "Anxiety," Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology, p. 67]

Deuteronomy 31:6

"Fear is perhaps our oldest and deadliest enemy. Fear causes illness. It kills. It stifles creativity. Fear prevents love, disrupts families, and causes addiction to alcohol, drugs, work, hobbies, and food. Fear of life and of other people can result in an abnormal desire to with- draw, leading to mental illness. Extreme fear of the future prompts suicide.... Thousands of years ago, the philosopher Seneca said, 'If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living.' In 1840, Thomas Carlyle wrote, 'The first duty for a man is still that of subduing fear. A man's acts are slavish until he has got fear under his feet.' Thirty years later, Ralph Waldo Emerson remarked that 'He has not learned the first lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.'..." [Bruce Larson, Living Beyond Our Fears, p. 3-5]

Proverbs 3:25,26

"Tender-handed stroke a nettle

And it stings you for your pains,

Grasp it like a man of mettle,

And it soft as silk remains."

[Aaron Hill (1685-1750), "Words Written on a Window," in Leadership, p. 34]

"Andrew M. Greeley, in his book The Friendship Game, argues that fear is the major barrier to friendship." [David Smith, Men Without Friends, p. 138]

Isaiah 54:4

"Anxiety is: 1. Fear in the absence of real danger. 2. Overestimation of the probability of danger and exaggeration of its degree of terribleness. 3. Imagined negative results." [William Backus and Marie Chapian, Telling Yourself the Truth, p. 68]

"Getting rid of your anxiety means to (1) minimize the danger you tell yourself you're in (remember, your fears are exaggerated); (2) realize you create your...anxiety (you create your own misbeliefs); (3) dispute these misbeliefs, challenge them ('is this really as terrible as I'm telling myself?'); (4) replace the misbeliefs with the truth. Don't worry about how weak you think you are. Jesus said, 'My strength is made perfect in weakness.'" [ibid., p. 76-77]

Romans 8:15

"There is nothing in the Bible to make any man fear who puts his trust in Jesus. Nothing in the Bible, did I say? There is nothing in heaven, nothing on earth, nothing in hell, that need make you fear who trust in Jesus. The past you need not fear, for it is forgiven you. The present you need not fear; it is provided for. The future you need not fear; it is secured by the living power of Jesus." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XV, (1869), p. 189-190]

II Timothy 1:7

Paul Tournier points out that "men's loneliness is linked with fear. Men fear one another, fear to be crushed in life, fear to be misunderstood.... Fear breeds loneliness and conflict; loneliness and conflict breed fear. To heal the world, we must give men an answer to fear and restore among them the sense of community." [Escape From Loneliness, p. 26,27]

Personal Response

3. Are there people I should not trust?

Psalm 26:4,5

"...A Christian would be wise to avoid, where he decently can, any meeting with people who are bullies, lascivious, cruel, dishonest, spiteful and so forth. Not because we are 'too good' for them. In a sense because we are not good enough. We are not good enough to cope with all the problems which an evening spent in such society produces." [C. S. Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms, p. 71]

"Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig." [Paul Dickson in Leadership, p. 139]

Proverbs 11:13

"A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's." [Jean Paul Richter (1763-1825) in Laurence Peter, Peter's Quotations, p. 100]

"Remember, you can't make a race horse out of a turtle." [Hans Selye in Leadership, p. 219]

II Corinthians 6:14-18

"Clearly all association is not forbidden, and so it is probably best to understand Paul's injunction here to prohibit only those relationships in which the degree of association entails an inevitable compromise with Christian standards of conduct." [James Davis, "1-2 Corinthians," Evangelical Commentary on the Bible, p. 990]

"...As long as the world is what it is, the Christian life can only maintain itself in an attitude of protest. There always will be things and people to whom the Christian has to say No!... The separations which an earnest Christian life requires are not without their compensation; to leave the world is to be welcomed by God!" [James Denney, "The Second Epistle to the Corinth-ians," The Expositor's Bible V, p. 776-777]

Colossians 2:8

"Why follow empty philosophy when we have all fullness in Christ?" [Warren Wiersbe, The Bible Exposition Commentary II, p. 126]

Personal Response

4. Are there people I should trust?

John 15:17

"Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as 'Careful! This might lead you to suffering.'... To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one... Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." [C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves, p. 168-169]

I Corinthians 13:7

"Love looks for opportunities to give; it asks: 'What can I do for another?' Fear keeps a wary eye on the possible consequences and asks: 'What will he do to me?' Love 'thinks no evil'; fear thinks of little else.... The enemy of fear is love; the way to put off fear...is to put on love." [Jay Adams, The Christian Counselor's Manual, p. 413-414] "Fear and love vary inversely. The more fear, the less love; the more love, the less fear." [ibid., p. 415]

"We cannot live by Christian love alone. We also live by wisdom... We are moved by just- ice.... These will put checks and balances on love's readiness to believe. In our world love needs such balances. But in the long run we are far better off trusting people too much than trusting too little. Being taken in now and then is a small price to pay--if it has to be paid--for not letting a neighbor down. Besides, trusting people is training for trusting God." [Lewis Smedes, Love Within Limits, p. 110-111]

II Corinthians 7:2

"...Adults abused as children....have difficulty trusting... Trust is basic to human relationships, and its absence makes finding and keeping friends...difficult, if not impossible. When one can- not trust, a vicious cycle begins. The less you trust, the less likely you are to have...intimate relationships. The more isolated you become, the less you can trust others. When...you cannot seem to make friends, you may think that there is something wrong with you. Thus you feel more...in need of guarding yourself rather than trusting enough to be open." [Eliana Gil, Out- growing the Pain, p. 32] "To change these behaviors, you must begin to take risks slowly, but purposefully, by giving yourself the opportunity to test your trust with trustworthy people." [ibid., p. 33] "Protecting yourself when you were a child was appropriate. It helped you survive. But these same behaviors as an adult separate you from others...and keep you from getting what you want.... You...do not need to protect yourself from everyone. Detecting real danger, rather than having a reflex reaction to potential or assumed danger, is a skill to be learned and developed." [ibid., p. 39]

James 5:16

Deadly Secrets is the story of Scott Cameron, a young man who believed in Christ but found himself overwhelmed by homosexual desires he was too ashamed to reveal to family or friends. In despair, he abandoned himself to the lifestyle until "...the discovery that he had AIDS derailed public life and private struggle from parallel tracks and sent them crashing together in a blinding, shuddering, smoking mass." [Karen Schalf Linamen and Keith A. Wall, Deadly Secrets, p. 174] Exposure brought "...some rejection. But (he wrote) I've discovered friends who really love me, and there really is nothing I could do to make them stop loving me. And that really motivates me to live for God." [ibid., p. 222] Scott came to believe that his lack of openness had kept him from what he had yearned for all his life. One friend's reaction to his struggle "was the exact kind of response--the exact kind of love--that Scott had yearned for in those first years--when every trip to a gay bar or bath, every one-night stand, every lusty party left him devastated over his failings... If only Tony had known the truth then...but Scott hadn't given him the chance. Scott hadn't given anyone the chance..." [ibid., p. 155] He began to see that perhaps he "...had betrayed them all by laughing on the outside and crying on the inside. But he'd never thought of it that way. All those years of silent suffering, he thought the only one who was getting hurt was Scott Cameron." [ibid., p. 188] Being honest helped Scott feel "...whole. Not perfect, mind you.... But whole. For the first time in his life he was facing his struggles as one person, not as two. He was being honest about his imperfections, honest about his lack of answers, and honest about his quest to find a way to live holy despite his frequent failings." [ibid., p. 197]

While it would be unwise to share our deepest struggles with everyone, our search for freedom from homosexuality will be seriously hindered unless we can share our difficulties with several people who have shown themselves worthy of trust.

I Peter 1:22,23

"Formerly, like other unrenewed men, they had 'lived in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another.'... But that old tempestuous disorder of the heart had been calmed in the presence of the heavenly Lamb.... They had thus become at once more capable of loving, and more worthy of each other's love.... The great change that had been wrought in each could have no other issue than...love without a mask..." [John Lillie, Lectures on the First and Second Epistles of Peter, p. 83-84]

Personal Response

5. Are there places and things I should avoid?

Genesis 39:7-12

"Three things kept Joseph pure--duty, honor, and faith. First, temptation assailed him when he was doing 'his work' (v.11).... He did not go a step out of his way to meet it, and when it came...his mind was...intent on other...things... The temptation which comes to meet us...is not half so difficult to overcome as the temptation which we...seek. Faithful and honest work, which keeps head and heart and hand busy, is a...shield against temptation... Second, honor keeps Joseph right. He does not forget for a moment that an exceptionally kind master has... confided in him implicitly. To...return him evil for good would be unspeakably mean; it would be to deserve the name of traitor.... Third, Joseph is saved by faith.... Joseph has a light from heaven flashed upon his temptation...in which he sees it to be the hideous thing it is, and...he shrinks from 'this great wickedness,' he shudders at 'sin against God'.... It is the Bible that makes the moral sense pure and strong--a light to guide, a voice to warn, a spirit to control.... Joseph 'fled forth' from the presence of his temptress... All wise men counsel flight from allurement to sins of passion. It is fatal to dally with temptation..." [James Strahan, Hebrew Ideals in Genesis, p. 290-293]

Proverbs 4:14,15

Alcoholics Anonymous says, "If you don't want to slip, stay away from slippery people, places, and things!"

Ephesians 5:3-5

"Paul turns from 'self-sacrifice...to...self-indulgence'..., from ...'love' to that perversion of it called 'lust.' The Greek words for fornication...and impurity...cover every kind of sexual sin... To them Paul adds covetousness..., the coveting of somebody else's body for selfish gratification.... Verse 4 goes beyond immorality to vulgarity. ...Filthiness means obscenity, and...silly talk and levity are...an allusion to coarse jesting... All three refer to a dirty mind expressing itself in dirty conversation.... Christians should...avoid vulgarity,...not because we have a warped view of sex and are...ashamed or afraid of it, but because we have a high and holy view of it as being in its right place God's good gift, which we do not want to see cheap- ened." [John Stott, God's New Society, p. 191-193]

"Many reasons are given in the New Testament why Christian people should abstain from immorality. There is...the trinitarian theology of the human body as created by God, belonging to Christ and indwelt by the Holy Spirit...in I Corinthians 6:12-20. ...There is the intrinsic inappropriateness of unholy practices in the holy people of God;...sexual license is simply 'not fitting among saints' (verses 3-4). And now there is the fear of judgment.... For those who fall into such sins through weakness, but afterwards repent..., there is forgiveness. The immoral or impure person envisaged here is one who has given himself up without shame or penitence to this way of life.... Such people, whose lust has become an idolatrous obsession, will have no share in the perfect kingdom of God." [ibid., p. 196-197]

"Sexual jokes can be used to recruit new sexual partners. Sex addicts can gauge the reaction of a person hearing their sexual joke, and if that reaction is favorable, the level of sexual engagement might be taken one step higher." [Mark Laaser, The Secret Sin, p. 59]

Ephesians 5:11

"Live fish swim against the stream; dead ones go with it." [Alexander Maclaren, "Psalms," The Expositor's Bible III, p. 9]

II Timothy 2:22

"Negatively, Timothy is to 'shun youthful passions.'... Positively, Timothy is to 'aim at' the four essential marks of a Christian--'righteousness, faith, love and peace'--and he is to pursue these in good company (maybe to compensate for the company he will have to avoid if he is to 'purify himself from what is ignoble'), the company of those 'who call upon the Lord from a pure heart'..." [John Stott, Guard the Gospel, p. 73-74]

Personal Response

6. What principles should guide me in making these decisions?

Mark 7:21-23

"...The conflict...is not initiated by Jesus but by the religious leaders who are offended by the disciples apparent lack of concern for cleansing rituals.... Jesus drives the debate inward in the personal realm of choice and intention, angrily excoriating the religious leaders for locating religion in the outer realm of...man-made traditions that set aside the commands of God.... Jesus declares...that it is not external things that defile a person, but what proceeds from the heart." [Royce Gordon Bruenler, "Mark," Evangelical Commentary on the Bible, p. 778-779]

"The wickedness of man is often attributed to bad examples, bad company..., or the snares of the devil. It seems forgotten that every man carries within him a fountain of wickedness. We need no bad company,...no devil to tempt us, in order to run into sin. We have within us the beginning of every sin under heaven.

"Let us...understand...that our Lord is speaking of the human heart generally. He is not speaking only of the notorious profligate, or the prisoner in the jail. He is speaking of all mankind.... The seeds of all the evils here mentioned lie hid within us all. They may lie dormant all our lives. They may be kept down by the fear of consequences,...the dread of discovery,...and, above all, by the almighty grace of God. But every man has within him the root of every sin.

"How humble we ought to be, when we read these verses! 'We are all as an unclean thing' in God's sight (Isa. lxiv.6). He sees in each one of us countless evils, which the world never sees at all, for He reads our hearts. Surely of all sins to which we are liable, self-righteousness is the most unreasonable and unbecoming.

"How thankful we ought to be for the Gospel, when we read these verses! That gospel contains a complete provision for all the wants of our poor defiled natures. The blood of Christ can 'cleanse us from all sin.' The Holy Ghost can change even our sinful hearts, and keep them clean and changed. The man that does not glory in the Gospel can surely know little of the plague that is within him.

"How watchful we ought to be, when we remember these verses!... At the head of the black list of our heart's contents stand 'evil thoughts.'... Thoughts are the parents of words and deeds. Let us pray daily for grace to keep our thoughts in order, and let us cry earnestly and fervently, 'Lead us not into temptation.'" [J. C. Ryle, Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Mark, p. 142-144]

This word "leaves untouched the question, what restrictions may be necessary for men who have depraved and debased their own appetites.... Nevertheless the rule is absolute: 'Whatsoever from without goeth into the man, it cannot defile him.' And the Church of Christ is bound to maintain, uncompromised and absolute, the liberty of Christian souls." [G. A. Chadwick, "The Gospel According to St. Mark," The Expositor's Bible IV, p. 861]

Thus, the first principle which should guide us in making these decisions is the realization that the problem is not really out there, but with the corruption in our own hearts.

Acts 10:10-15

"The reference is...to that restrictive law of food which constituted one of the most striking points of difference between Jew and Gentile, and one of the most operative means of separa- tion.... The...distinction of food served...as...(an) emblem of a moral difference, the Gentiles being to the Jews, in this respect, what unclean animals were to the clean." [J. A. Alexander, Commentary on the Acts of the Apostles, p. 395]

"Hitherto there had been a distinction between clean and unclean, both in meats and persons. Henceforth there could be none: for what had been unclean for ages by divine authority was now pronounced clean by the same; and what had thus been constituted clean could not be rendered common by...any human power or authority." [ibid., p. 396]

"The Law of Moses was a wall between the Jews and the Gentiles, and this wall had been broken down at the cross (Eph. 2:14-18)." [Warren Wiersbe, The Bible Exposition Commentary I, p. 445]

"Ceremonial distinctions may at times appear arbitrary. Such is the case with the classification of clean and unclean meats..., for hygienic explanations are apparent only in some...instances. But the very arbitrariness of these stipulations made them the better tests of submission to the sovereign word of the Lord.... It is God's creative word that gives to all things their definition and meaning, and man must interpret all things according to the interpretation God assigns them. In this respect the Mosaic dietary rules resembled the probationary proscription of the fruit of the tree of knowledge in Eden..." [Meredith G. Kline, Treaty of the Great King, p. 87]

Thus, the second principle which should guide us in making these decisions is the realization that God alone decides what is clean or unclean, right or wrong, and that He reveals His decisions in His Word the Bible.

I Corinthians 6:12

"All things are lawful unto me....was probably a statement which the Apostle had himself made; at all events, the freedom which it expresses was very dear to him, and it may have been misused by some as an argument for universal license. St. Paul boldly repeats it, and proceeds to show that it is a maxim of Christian liberty which does not refer to matters which are absol- utely wrong, and that even in its application to indifferent matters it must be...guarded by other Christian principles." [T. Teignmouth Shore, "The First Epistle to the Corinthians," Ellicott's Commentary on the Whole Bible VII, p. 304]

"The real question is not whether an action is 'lawful' or 'right' or even 'all right,' but whether it is good, whether it benefits." [Gordon Fee, 'The First Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 252]

"People suffer from sexual obsession when sexual thoughts control them rather than being able to control the thoughts." [Earl Wilson, Sexual Sanity, p. 15] "To be controlled by anything other than Jesus Christ is idolatry and therefore sinful." [ibid., p. 18]

I Corinthians 10:23

"A woman in a white dress was denied entrance to a coal mine she wanted to explore. 'Why can't I wear a white dress into the mine?' she asked. 'Lady,' replied the gate man, 'there's nothing to hinder you from wearing a white dress into the mine but plenty to keep you from wearing a white dress out of the mine.'... 'All things are lawful,' (I Corinthians 6:12) but many things are not expedient; they do not edify and they may enslave us. We do not come out as we went in, and our garments are spotted." [Vance Havner, Seasonings, p. 40-41]

"'Does this act tend to my own spiritual profit? Does it tend to build up others?' should be the practical rules of Christian life." [Gordon Fee, 'The First Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 325]

Thus, the third principle which should guide us in making these decisions is the realization that, even with those things which God permits, we must ask if our action is likely to help or harm us or others, given our situation, and choose only that which brings blessing.

Galatians 5:1

"Ye are indeed called unto liberty, and you ought to assert the liberty unto which you are called..." [John Brown, An Exposition of the Epistle to the Galatians, p. 284]

"When the Judaizing teachers press their principles on you, ask for their authority; request them to show you the sanction of Christ; and let them know that He is your master, and that ye are not, and will not be, 'the servants of men.'" [ibid., p. 253-254]

Thus, the fourth principle which should guide us in making these decisions is the realization that even when we have decided that it is best for us to deny ourselves things which God permits, others are free to decide differently, and we are free to change our minds as our situation changes.

Galatians 5:13

"Keep your liberties...; for Christ's sake and for truth's sake hold them fast, guard them well.... But take care how you employ your freedom; 'only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh.'... At this point Paul throws in one of his bold paradoxes. He has been contending all through the Epistle for freedom... But now he turns round suddenly and bids them be slaves: 'but let love,' he says, 'make you bondmen to each other'." [George G. Findley, "The Epistle to the Galatians, The Expositor's Bible V, p. 893-895]

"The gospel offers a powerful and uniquely balanced vision of the individual's worth. The Bible pulls no punches about our depravity and rebellion outside of Christ. We deserve judgment. Yet, Christ loved us to the point of dying for us while we were still his enemies. Jesus' death and resurrection mean that we never need to see ourselves as worthless again. But we need .... to see ourselves more as people in community than as individuals. The fact is, the more we chase after a positive self-image, the more elusive it seems. Yet, when we cease focusing on feeling good about ourselves, and move towards recapturing the dignity of being a servant to others, then we actually discover a far deeper sense of personal worth and satisfaction." [Mark Strom, The Symphony of Scripture, p. 215]

Thus, the fifth principle which should guide us in making these decisions is the realization that the freedom we enjoy is not to be used for selfish gratification, but to enable us to better serve God and others.

Colossians 2:20-23

"What sort of regulations are these which the elemental forces impose? Completely negative ones: 'Don't, don't, don't.' There may be a stage in children's development when they must be told not to do this and not to touch that, before they can understand the reasons for such prohibitions. But when they come to years of discretion and can appreciate their parents' point of view, they are able to look at life from a responsible angle and do what is proper without having to conform to a list of prohibitions such as are suitable and necessary for the years of infancy. These would-be guides were trying to keep the Colossian Christians in leading strings; Paul encourages them to enjoy the liberty with which Christ has set them free." [F. F. Bruce, "The Epistles to the Colossians, to Philemon, and to the Ephesians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 126]

"Moreover, these taboos are not divinely ordained: they are imposed 'according to human com- mandments and teaching.' Behind this phrase lies...Isa. 29:13 where...God...says of his people 'their hearts are far from me, and their fear of me is a commandment of men learned by rote.' ...When Paul echoes the prophet's words...it is with the implication that these taboos frustrate the pure teaching of God with its emancipating emphasis." [ibid., p. 127-128]

"Christians use expressions like 'spiritual' and 'unspiritual,' 'the Lord's work' and 'worldliness' to justify the things they will and won't do. Phrases like these sound spiritual, but often they hide an avoidance of the real challenges of following Christ in the normal day-to-day experiences of life. Such people refuse to climb outside their ghetto to live authentic and involved lives in a dying, hurting world." [Mark Strom, The Symphony of Scripture, p. 215]

"The power of Christ in the life of the believer does more than merely restrain the desires of the flesh: it puts new desires within him.... The harsh rules of the ascetics 'lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence' (Col. 2:23 NIV). If anything, they eventually bring out the worst instead of the best." [Warren Wiersbe, The Bible Exposition Commentary II, p. 132]

"Researchers...tell us that the worst possible way to deal with fear is to avoid the frightening and to choose a life of inordinate safety and insulation..." [Bruce Larson, Living Beyond our Fears, p. ix]

"Most of the time...you'll find that gaining something valuable in...life will depend on being willing to tolerate distress, anxiety, discomfort and discontent. Your greatest achievements are often won because you are willing to put up with situations which are...down right unpleasant." [William Backus and Marie Chapain, Telling Yourself the Truth, p. 89] "It is not wisdom that causes a person to refuse risk. It is fear--fear of losing...security, safety, familiarity, comfort, predictability, control, power." [ibid., p. 129] "By actually doing the thing you fear, you over- come the fear of it." [ibid., p. 138]

Thus, the sixth principle which should guide us in making these decisions is the realization that we must not allow rules made by men (ourselves or others) coupled with fear to hinder us in our search for freedom and in our efforts to help others.

Dealing with fear is a complex matter. Recovery, like life, involves risk. If you take inappro- priate risks, you take a chance of falling into sin and experiencing the pain that brings. If you refuse to take appropriate risks, you take a chance of hindering or even sabotaging your recovery. Proceed with caution, but proceed!

Personal Response

7. How can I distinguish appropriate risks from inappropriate risks?

Proverbs 11:14

"...We shall often find it to our advantage to advise with many; if they agree in their advice, our way will be the more clear; if they differ, we shall hear what is to be said on all sides, and be the better able to determine." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 852]

Proverbs 12:15

"See... 1. What...keeps a fool from being wise: His way is right in his own eyes; he thinks he is in the right in everything he does, and therefore asks no advice, because he does not appre- hend he needs it.... 2. What...keeps a wise man from being a fool; he is willing to be advised ...and hearkens to counsel..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 858-859]

Proverbs 13:18

"He that is so proud that he scorns to be taught will certainly be abased." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 865]

Proverbs 15:22

"If men...are so confident of their own judgment that they scorn to consult with others, they are not likely to bring anything considerable to pass; circumstances defeat them which, with a little consultation, might have been foreseen..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 878]

Proverbs 15:32

If anyone is to give us good advice, they must have full knowledge of our situation. This means we must be completely open and honest with those from whom we seek counsel.

To seek advice is not to relinquish responsibility for our lives. We must prayerfully decide whether what we hear is good advice or not. We will sometimes receive conflicting advice and must decide which course of action is best for us.

We, and we alone, are responsible to God for our decisions. We are the ones who must live with the consequences of our choices. If we accept bad advice or reject good counsel, we must take responsibility for our choices and live with the results.

While we must not let these thoughts paralyze us (to fail to choose is to make a choice), they should sober us. Choose, but choose prayerfully and in accordance with Scripture. And remember, "Our wisdom lies in...at least leaning to the suspicion that we may be wrong." [Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 213]

Proverbs 30:5

"The words of men are to be heard...with allowance, but there is not the least ground to suspect any deficiency in the word of God.... It is sure, and therefore we must trust in it..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 965]

Personal Response

8. What truths will help me take wise risks in trusting myself and others?

Proverbs 1:33

"All heaven is waiting to help those who will discover the will of God and do it." [J. Robert Ashcroft in Baker's Pocket Book of Religious Quotes, #996]

Isaiah 41:13

"Alexander, when they said that the Persians were as the sands of the seashore, replied, 'One butcher is not afraid of a whole flock of sheep.' So let it be with us. Let us feel that we are men of another mold than to be afraid, that believing in God we do not know how to spell 'cowardice.'" [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XII, (1866), p. 358]

Isaiah 51:12

"When I became a Christian, I understood that Jesus took my sin away. What I have never heard from Him was that He intended to take my backbone away. The Christ I know does not destroy boldness, bravery, and challenging purpose; He enhances them." [R. C. Sproul in Stephen Brown, No More Mr. Nice Guy!, p. 12]

"If you miss seven balls out of ten, you're batting three hundred, and that's good enough for the Hall of Fame. You can't score if you keep the bat on your shoulder." [Walter B. Wriston in Leadership, p. 206]

"We must go out on a limb in order to experience God's faithfulness." [Belva Murphy, At Home With the Murphys, p. 36]

Isaiah 54:14

"...The richest source of healing our loneliness is for us to begin to give ourselves in love.... Until we move outside ourselves and focus outward toward others, we will continue to be empty, self-pitying, lonely human beings.... At base man must give himself away or remain pathetically empty and alone." [Robert Williams, Journey Through Grief, p. 81]

Romans 8:37-39

"A neighbor's dog was very fond of visiting my garden, and as he never improved my flowers, I never gave him a cordial welcome. Walking along quietly one evening I saw him doing mis- chief. I threw a stick at him and advised him to go home. But how did the good creature reply to me? He turned round and wagged his tail, and in the merriest manner picked up my stick, brought it to me, and laid it at my feet. Did I strike him? No, I am no monster. I should have been ashamed of myself if I had not patted him on the back and told him to come there when- ever he liked. He and I were friends...because he trusted me and conquered me. This is just the philosophy of...faith in Christ. As the dog mastered the man by confiding in him, so a poor guilty sinner does, in effect, master the Lord himself by trusting him, when he says, 'Lord, I am a poor dog of a sinner, and thou mightest drive me away, but I believe thee to be too good for that...and I trust myself with thee.'" [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXIII, (1877), p. 297]

Personal Response

9. Does faith in God help people overcome fear?

II Chronicles 32:7,8

Albert Einstein, an agnostic, was compelled to bear witness to the power of faith in Christ as he saw the courage it gave Christians to stand up to Hitler. "Being a lover of freedom, when the revolution came in Germany, I looked to the universities to defend it, knowing that they had always boasted of their devotion to the cause of truth; but no, the universities were immediately silenced. Then I looked to the great editors of the newspapers whose flaming editorials had proclaimed their love of freedom; but they, like the universities, were silenced in a few short weeks.... Only the Church stood squarely across the path of Hitler's campaign for suppressing the truth. I never had any special interest in the Church before, but now I feel a great affection and admiration because the Church alone has had the courage and persistence to stand for intellectual truth and moral freedom. I am forced thus to confess that what I once despised I now praise unreservedly. [J. Milton Yinger, Religion in the Struggle for Power, p. 194]

Psalm 27:1

"Sometimes we are unduly excited when things go well, and at other times we are too alarmed when things go badly.... We ought to establish our hearts firmly in God's strength, and strug- gle, as best we can, to place all of our hope and confidence in the Lord so that we shall be like him, as far as...possible, even in his unchanging rest and stability." [B. Jordan of Saxony in The Wisdom of the Saints, p. 57]

Lamentations 3:21-23

"I would trust...God as...Alexander trusted his friend who was also his physician. The physi- cian had mixed a medicine for Alexander who was sick, and the potion stood by Alexander's bed for him to drink. Just before he drank a letter was delivered to him in which he was warned that his physician had been bribed to poison him, and had mingled poison with the medicine. Alexander summoned the physician... When he came in, Alexander at once drank the cup and then handed his friend the letter. What grand confidence was this! He would not let the accused know of the libel till he had proved beyond all dispute that he did not believe a word of it." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXV, (1879), p. 654-655]

Mark 4:40

"A Swiss-French pastor imprisoned by the Nazis recalls his spiritual reaction to the evil situation thus: 'I was not able to stand firm except by remembering every day that the Gestapo was the hand of God--the left hand. The worst of tyrants and the least of cowards will only end by accomplishing Christ's will.'" [Carroll E. Simcox, They Met At Philippi, p. 52]

Hebrews 11:23-27

"The opposite of faith is fear. Fear makes us withdraw, hide, play it safe.... When you stop running and face your fear head on with faith, you find God. It is his presence and power that move us beyond our fears--past, present, and future." [Bruce Larson, Living Beyond Our Fears, p. 150]

"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; nobody was there." [Old English proverb in Stephen Brown, No More Mr. Nice Guy!, p. 140]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 11

About six weeks after I came to Reading for help with my struggle, I wrote in my journal, "On Wednesday, after walking home from work, I went into the kitchen (of the rooming house where I was living) to fix myself some lemonade before going to sleep. One of the men who has a room here was in the kitchen fixing himself something to eat. I spoke to him and, while I was at the sink mixing lemonade, he asked me if he could come to my room or if I wanted to go to his room to 'play around,' telling me that he would do anything I wanted him to do.

"I was stunned! I felt an erection beginning. In panic I said, 'No thank you,' retreated to my room, and locked the door. I lay in bed all that night, trembling, fighting the temptation to go looking for him. I usually sleep soundly, but I slept poorly that night and for the next three nights.

"Several things disturbed me... (1) Why did he make the offer to me? I had never seen him before, and I had said nothing, done nothing, so far as I knew, to provoke the suggestion. Is there something about me that gives it all away--that makes a stranger think I'd be interested? If so, what? How can I change it? (2) ...My erection frightened me. I felt that my body was somehow against me. I could not control it. I was afraid that the man might see the erection, be emboldened to persist (he had been drinking), and that I might yield.

"I was not happy with my response. I do not feel it was entirely right. It was not the response Christ would have made in the same situation. It left the man without help and me locked in my room struggling with feelings of guilt, shame, temptation, and terror. While I know that there is corruption in me...that was not in Christ, and therefore I must be careful, I also believe that the grace of Christ should enable me to do more than I did. I would rather flee than fall, but I want to be able to do more than just run!"

I talked the matter over with my counselor, agreed to keep in close touch with him about the matter, and decided to take a different tack. Ten days after the incident, I saw the man standing alone outside our rooming house and brought up what had happened. As I wrote in my journal: "He looked very uncomfortable and professed not to know what I was talking about. I don't know whether he blacked out because of the drinking or if this was just shame, but I told him that I was not interested in a sexual relationship, but that I did want him to know that I was willing to be his friend if he needed one. He thanked me but continued to look uncomfortable so I wished him well and went my way."

Though this man and I spoke cordially when we saw each other ever after, nothing more came of the situation save in my own heart. There, this experience wrought a mighty change! Never again have I felt paralyzing, debilitating terror when faced with temptation. When my only sexual fall in the program occurred a number of months later, I was able to face it and work it though so that the man with whom I fell and I have been able to remain good friends for many years without further sexual involvement. Far from being a snare to each other, we have been enabled to be a mainstay in each other's life.

This one small triumph paved the way for a new openness to others and a new courage with which to face life and take the healthy risks necessary to find an ever-increasing freedom from homosexuality. It has enabled me to face my struggles, not in a spirit of fear, but in the God-given "spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" (II Timothy 1:7 NIV).

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 11

1) Listen to the tape Mastering Fear under "STEP 11" and read the brochures Once Gay...Always Gay??? under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 12 and continue reading the book your step coach recommended to help you with Steps 8-14. Continue to work you your workbook. Journal what you learn from all this and share your findings with your step coach.

2) List in your journal those areas of your life where fear has been hindering recovery. Include your sexual fears, the people you have been afraid to let really know you, and the things a godly heterosexual person would do that you have been afraid to try.

3) Go over your list with your step coach and pick one fear you have determined to over- come. Develop a plan to do so gradually. That might mean telling someone you should trust, but have been afraid to be open with, one of your secrets. It might mean going to the gym in your gym clothes, some weeks later changing in the locker room, and finally using the showers. Go beyond your present comfort level but don't try too much all at once. Take one step at a time. Keep open and honest with your step coach about your progress and/or any problems you are having.

4) Talk with your step coach about ways fear has kept you from relating to people in an emotionally intimate way. Together agree on someone other than your step coach who has show himself or herself to be a trustworthy person. Make a list of things you can begin to share with them as you seek to be vulnerable in your relationship with them. Share one item on that list one week, another the next week, etc. Go beyond your present comfort level but don't try too much all at once. Keep open and honest with your step coach about your progress and/or any problems you are having in this area.

5) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,

Is laid for your faith in his excellent Word!

What more can he say than to you he hath said,

You who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

"Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed:

I, I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;

For I will be with thee thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

"When through fiery trials my pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design

Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

"E'en down to old age all my people shall prove

My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love;

And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn,

Like lambs they shall still in my bosom be borne.

"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I will not desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake."

--

Author Unknown STEP 12

We determined to mature in our relationships with men and women,

learning the meaning of a partnership of equals,

seeking neither dominance over people

nor servile dependency on them.

"Homosexuality is an attempt to achieve human contact and to break through stark isolation." [Charles Socarides, Homosexuality, p. 159] It is an inappropriate attempt to meet real needs (please review Can Homosexuals Change?).

There are appropriate ways to get these needs met. Dr. Lillian B. Rubin notes, "The burgeoning field of adult development contradicts earlier theories that identity formation is a one-time, all-or-nothing affair that is crystallized in early childhood and determined by the nature of family relations. Rather, most modern theorists now understand the formation of a personal identity as a lifetime process to which our varied experiences in the social world, as well as the family, make their contributions.... It is friends who provide a reference outside the family against which to measure and judge ourselves; who help us during passages that require our separation and individuation; who support us as we adapt to new roles and new rules; who heal the hurts and make good the deficits of other relationships in our lives..." [Lillian Rubin, Just Friends, p. 11-13]

Healthy friendships are vital to true recovery. As Dr. Moberly states, "...Deep friendships ....are central, and indeed essential, to the solution of the problem of homosexuality." [Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 32]

When some of us heard this, we felt a deep sense of despair. We thought, "I've never been able to sustain a close friendship! Does this mean there is no hope for me?" It does not! Friendship is a skill to be developed. Step 12 tells us how!

We begin by acknowledging that this is an area in which we need to mature. We must recognize and put off those self-defeating ways of thinking and acting that have kept us from true friend- ships and real freedom.

Most of us suffered deficits in our childhood relationship with our same-sex parent. This made it difficult to relate well with same-sex friends from our earliest years. During puberty, when sexual feelings became intense, many of us pulled within ourselves and hid. We may have tried to appear outwardly normal and may even have succeeded in concealing our inner turmoil, but we felt somehow outsiders who were not truly accepted by others.

Some of us had character defects which put people off but which we did not know how to cor- rect. We sometimes tried to "buy" friends through sexual activity. We felt we had nothing else to offer that could make anyone want a friendship with us. Feeling we could never be loved for ourselves, we looked on sex as a way to get a hold on others and compel them to want us.

We tried to find love through sex but instead experienced rejection and disappointment. Unre- solved problems within ourselves and within those with whom we tried to relate sabotaged our dreams. Our unmet love needs drove us to reach out--often unwisely, usually inappropriately. Our unhealed childhood wounds forced us to pull back--fearing the pain of another hurt.

Dr. Stanley Willis II notes, "...Most homosexual contacts....when closely examined...are often part of a complex psychodynamic system which, despite appearances to the contrary, is actually designed to avoid being emotionally bound or committed to another person. Too often the homosexual courtship...plays out an old sterile drama, compulsively repeated, which...reveals itself to be basically nothing more than a minuet of approach and avoidance.... Mere orgasm ...becomes the limited aim of the relationship. The partner is often treated as an expendable object to be quickly replaced or discarded." [Understanding and Counseling the Male Homosexual, p. 9]

Such experiences bring an even greater fear of being hurt. "The direction of the search shifts toward an attempt to find sexual intimacy without any emotional involvement.... But the deeper needs for real security and love are never really satisfied. There is an endless dissatisfaction which either heightens the urgent desire to make still further homosexual contacts or aggravates the undercurrent of loneliness and despair." [ibid., p. 141]

Having realized the futility of such a pattern and being determined to seek true friendships instead of sexual activity, we begin by reaching out to persons of the same sex. "An attachment to the same sex is not wrong, indeed it is precisely the right thing for meeting same-sex deficits. What is improper is the eroticization of the friendship." [Elizabeth Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 20]

Having learned that the erotic short-cut was really a dead-end, we set out to do the hard work necessary to have healthy friendships. We sought relationships founded on Jesus Christ, sus- tained by healthy doses of time and effort, and containing elements of love, deep sharing, self-sacrifice, encouragement, stimulation, spiritual challenge, loyalty, and plain, old-fashioned fun. [Jerry and Mary White, Friends and Friendship, p. 9-31]

It takes time to meet long-neglected needs and to heal deep wounds, but, as this takes place through the medium of healthy same-sex friendships, we can begin to reach out to persons of the other sex. "Heterosexuality is the ability to relate to both sexes...as a psychologically complete member of one's own sex." [Elizabeth Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 22] At first we begin with simple friendship, but over time romantic and even erotic feelings may come and we can proceed step-by-step toward marriage, if that is God's calling for us.

In all of this we can profit from the experience of friends in our HA chapter and from the guidance of a knowledgeable counselor. We will seek God's will and remember, "He that believeth shall not make haste" (Isaiah 28:16). We need not rush or feel any sense of anxiety. We are not trying to prove anything to anyone but are only seeking to grow up into Christ in all things (Ephesians 4:15). We know that to try something before God has readied us is to risk hurt to others and disappointment for ourselves. "Therefore I will look unto the Lord: I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me" (Micah 7:7).

In the process of developing healthy friendships, we must try to avoid two traps which under- mine wholesome relationships: dominance (or control) and servile dependency.

Control is a real issue for many of us. Because we have been hurt as children, we feel a strong need to take charge of our world so we can protect ourselves from further injury. When we were young, our parent's problems and our environment were inflicted on us. We felt we had to find some way to turn that around.

While that may have been a helpful, even necessary, strategy when we were children, it hinders our capacity for friendship now that we are adults. Because we are so afraid we will lose con- trol of our lives if we are not in charge, people find us controlling, self-centered, rigid, and lacking in spontaneity.

A person with this need to control "is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.... What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well.... He decides to exert himself more. He becomes...still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get from the show?" [Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 60-61]

This determination to control springs from a fear to trust that we learned early in life. Because of the hurt we felt in our relationship with our same-sex parent, we put up walls to protect our- selves. We have kept these walls in place ever since.

"We non-trusters look at life and people as unsafe. We need to be in control, to make sure things turn out right. If we trust someone else, then we may not be able to guarantee the future. We might be abandoned, rejected or exploited by them. Therefore, it is easier for us to skip to another surface relationship...where we are not expected to be open, vulnerable or trusting. In surface relationships, we can maintain our power position." [Jim Conway, Adult Children of Legal or Emotional Divorce, p. 96]

We all used various means to maintain that power position. Some of us tried anger, pouting, sulking. We found that people got tired of walking on egg shells around us and turned to more congenial company.

Some of us determined to be self-sufficient. We refused to let others help us because we were overly fearful of obligation or dependency. Since we made people feel we had no need of them, they went on to others who helped them feel good about themselves by receiving as well as giving.

Others of us used weakness and neediness to gain the upper hand. We got pity, but no friend- ship. We used guilt or any other means we knew to manipulate people into giving us what we needed, to keep them from hurting us, and to get them to do what we wanted. This left them feeling used and angry. Then we wondered why we were alone.

"Healthy relationships are not power struggles. They involve give and take, and shared respon-sibility." [Janet Woititz, Struggle For Intimacy, p. 51]

"Control is an illusion.... We cannot control anyone's behaviors. We cannot (and have no business trying to) control anyone's emotions, mind, or choices. We cannot control the outcome of events. We cannot control life. Some of us can barely control ourselves.

"People ultimately do what they want to do... If doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right. If doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to...us....

"We cannot change people.... We can sometimes do things that increase the probability that people will want to change, but we can't even guarantee...that.... The only person you can... change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.

"Detach. Surrender.... You don't have to stop caring or loving. You don't have to tolerate abuse. You don't have to abandon constructive, problem-solving methods.... Make any deci- sions you need to make to take care of yourself, but don't make them to control other people.... Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities." [Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 74-75]

"Ultimately, we cannot control life, so the more we try to control it, the more out of control we feel.... We slowly find that one of the most powerful and healing acts is giving up our need to be always in control.... In this context, the word 'surrender' does not mean to 'give up'...in the military sense of losing a war. Rather, we mean that one who surrenders wins the struggle of trying to control, and ameliorates most of the resultant needless suffering... This becomes an ongoing process in life, not a goal to be achieved only once." [Charles Whitfield, Healing the Child Within, p. 68-69]

The desire to control or dominate is really a desire to play God. He is the One who should be sovereign. Many of us didn't want to take God's place. We wanted someone else to take His place in our lives. Our problem was "servile dependency."

There is an appropriate depending on others. We all need people we can trust; people we can, at times, be a child with; people on whom we can, on occasion, lean and with whom we can laugh. We all need to know that others will be there for us if needed. "No man is an island." It is not this dependency, but "servile dependency", against which our step warns.

"Servile" means "like that of slaves....; slavish, cringing....not free." [Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, p. 1659] "Servile dependency"--that clinging which cries, "Please don't leave me; I'll do anything!" is really just another addiction.

"When a person goes to another with the aim of filling a void in himself, the relationship quickly becomes the center of his or her life. It offers him a solace that contrasts sharply with what he finds everywhere else, so he returns to it more and more, until he needs it to get through each day of his otherwise stressful and unpleasant existence. When a constant exposure to something is necessary in order to make life bearable, an addiction has been brought about, however romantic the trappings. The ever-present danger of withdrawal creates an ever-present craving." [Stanton Peele with Archie Brodsky, Love and Addiction, p. 70]

"...Dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another. But in actuality it is not love; it is a form of antilove. It has its genesis in a parental failure to love and it perpetuates the failure. It seeks to receive rather than to give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate. Ultimately it destroys rather than builds people." [M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled, p. 105]

Servile dependency destroys friendships as well. As the dependent person clings to his or her friend, expecting them to meet all his or her needs (an impossible task for any human being), the other individual begins to feel overwhelmed, smothered. They draw back. The dependent feels alarm and seeks to grab hold more tightly. So the relationship continues until the tensions blow it apart and both parties limp away deeply wounded.

To avoid servile dependency, be certain to maintain a healthy relationship with your heavenly Father. There are some needs only He can meet. He has determined that other needs are to be met through people. Don't look to only one friend to meet those needs, but try to develop three to five close friendships. Aim to divide your time equally among these friends so you will not become overly dependent on one person. Thus you can work toward that "partnership of equals" which our step encourages.

"Some of us have known only surface relationships. We have felt isolated and lonely, and have covered up our hurts and fears with humor, success, withdrawal, or with any number of other defense mechanisms. Some of us have had relationships in which we have been smothered, con-demned, manipulated, hurt and angry. We in turn have often treated others in the same way... The Lord created us as relational beings. It is His design that we find true meaning in life through the context of rich relationships.... Our relational needs are genuine. We need both a relationship with God and relationships with others if we are to become strong, healthy, loving people." [Robert McGee, Pat Springle and Jim Craddock, Your Parents and You, p. 61]

"Ideally, any relationship is going to be one in which there is a mutual sharing of nourishment. This may not be totally balanced...because each of you will go through differing seasons of need, but over a period of time the nourishment should be mutual. It is important...to ask, 'Is this relationship committed only to the needs of one person?' It is very easy for some of us to agree to friendships that are essentially lopsided." [Rich Buhler, New Choices, New Boundar- ies, p. 106-107] Such friendships do not meet our deficits or heal our wounds and thus do not promote recovery.

Carefully applying the principles in Step 12 will help us avoid these pitfalls and find the rich rewards and wonderful freedom that healthy relationships were meant to bring.

1. Are friendships really important?

II Samuel 1:25-27

Some have tried to argue from this passage that David and Jonathan had a homosexual relation- ship. The following considerations show that this is an impossible view.

First, both David and Jonathan were clearly heterosexual. David's heterosexuality was so intense it led him to violate God's law that a king should not take many wives (compare Deuter- onomy 17:14-17 and I Chronicles 3:1-9). Heterosexual passion led to the great sin of his life --adultery with Bathsheba (II Samuel 11:1-12:14). Jonathan was married and had at least one child (I Samuel 20:12-15, 42; II Samuel 4:4). One can hardly think of two less likely candidates for a homosexual love affair!

Second, had such a relationship existed, David would have hidden it rather than proclaimed it. The Mosaic law demanded death as the penalty for homosexual activity (Leviticus 20:13). For David to suggest that he and Jonathan had engaged in sexual acts would have been tantamount to asking to be stoned! The fact that David publicly announced his love for Jonathan shows he did not for one moment think anyone would believe he was referring to a homosexual relation- ship. The fact that his hearers made no move to execute him shows they did not think he was referring to homosexual activity either.

Actually, to interpret this passage to mean that David and Jonathan were sexually involved is to miss the very point David is making. David is not contrasting two kinds of sexual relation- ship (heterosexual as opposed to homosexual) but is contrasting sexual love with friendship. David thoroughly enjoyed sex, but, as much as he delighted in the love of women, the blessing of his friendship with Jonathan far outstripped any sexual love he had ever known!

It is tragic that some have never known any closeness that did not involve sex. "...The estate of male friendship--indeed, of nearly all human relationships--is sufficiently sunk that mere sex remains at the center of people's imaginations. The only moving human relationships that people seem able to conjure up are erotic ones." [Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 3] "Those who cannot conceive Friendship as a substantive love but only as a disguise or elabora-tion of Eros betray the fact that they have never had a Friend." [C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves, p. 91]

Proverbs 27:10

"A 'human loner' is a contradiction in terms. The existence of a human in isolation from others is like a plant trying to survive without sunlight or water." [John Powell and Loretta Brady, Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?, p. 9-10]

"A lack of human contacts is always painful. People need intimacy, warmth, a sense of worth, and frequent confirmation of their identities." [Suzanne Gordon, Lonely in America, p. 31]

"We need others...if we are to know anything, even ourselves." [C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves, p. 12]

Proverbs 27:17

"The proverb...expresses the gain of mutual counsel...in clear, well-defined thoughts. Two minds...acting on each other become more acute." [E. H. Plumptre, "The Book of Proverbs," The Bible Commentary IV, p. 604]

"When problems arise..., other family members are too caught up in the situation to provide necessary help and counsel. The church as a whole is too large and impersonal. The small group? Well, there are some things you simply don't feel free to share with them. They might not understand. But a friend who understands, who listens, who accepts, who cares? That relationship is beyond price. We all...need at least one friend with whom we can be wholly ourselves, wholly honest, wholly accepted." [Joseph Cooke, Celebration of Grace, p. 205]

"Possibly also in the simile of the iron lies a reminder of the discipline which friendship gives to character, a discipline...not always unaccompanied by pain. Friends 'rub each other's angles down,' and sometimes the friction is...distressing to both... The blades are sharpened by a few imperceptible filings being ground off each of their edges. The use of friendship depends very largely on its frankness, just as its sweetness depends on mutual consideration." [R. F. Horton, "The Book of Proverbs," The Expositor's Bible III, p. 405]

"We must be involved with other people, one at the very minimum, but hopefully more than one. At all times in our lives, we must have at least one person who cares for us and whom we care for... If we do not have this person, we will not be able to fulfill our basic needs.... One characteristic is essential in the other person: he must be in touch with reality himself and able to fulfill his own needs within the world." [William Glasser, Reality Therapy, p. 7]

Proverbs 27:19

"In the heart of our friend we see our own character reflected just as gazing into a still pool we see the reflection of our own face. It is in the frank and sympathetic intercourse of friendship that we really get to know ourselves, and to realize what is in us. We unfold to one another, we discover our similarities and mark our differences. Points which remained unobserved in our own hearts are immediately detected and understood when we see them also in our friends.... We hardly guess what a fund of happy humor is in us until we are encouraged to display it by observing how its flashes light up the face we love. Our capacities of sympathy and tenderness remain undeveloped until we wish eagerly to comfort our friend in sudden sorrow. In a true friendship we find that we are living a life which is doubled in all its faculties of enjoyment and of service; we quite shudder to think what cold, apathetic, undeveloped creatures we should have been but for that genial touch which enfolded us, and warmed our hearts into genuine feeling while it brought our minds into active play." [R. F. Horton, "The Book of Proverbs," The Expositor's Bible III, p. 405]

"Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If I had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, 'Sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.'" [The Letters of C. S. Lewis to Arthur Greeves (1914-1963), p. 477]

Personal Response

2. Should one be careful in choosing one's friends?

Proverbs 13:20

"Wisdom in Scripture is far more than intelligence.... A wise person is one who has skill in living based upon his reverential trust in God and acquired by learning and applying God's Word to daily life." [Gary Inrig, Quality Friendship, p. 125]

When Scripture warns against the fool, "the title is not a judgment on his mental capacity, but on his spiritual attitude. Some of history's most brilliant men intellectually have been what Proverbs would call fools. The chief characteristic of such a man is rebellion against God's person and truth (1:7).... A related Hebrew word means 'confidence,' and it captures the supreme characteristic of the fool: his confidence in himself, not in God.... Not only will he destroy himself (1:32), he will also destroy his friends (13:20).' [idem.]

"The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are." [C. S. Lewis, Selected Literary Essays, p. 99]

Proverbs 25:19

"The quality of a relationship is in direct ratio to the quality of the selves entering into that relationship." [Thomas Howard, His, (February 1977), p. 18]

I Corinthians 15:33

"'Stop deceiving yourselves' (or 'allowing yourselves to be misled.').... The delusion is spelled out in...an epigram from Menander's Thais, 'Bad company corrupts good character'.... Keeping company with evil companions can have a corrosive influence on one's own attitudes and behav- ior." [Gordon Fee, "The First Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 773]

"A Dutch proverb says, 'He that lives with cripples learns to limp;' and the Spanish, 'He that goes with wolves learns to howl.' We have a homely English proverb, 'He that lies down with dogs shall rise up with fleas'..." [Gray and Adams Bible Commentary II, p. 824]

Personal Response

3. What character defects should one beware of when choosing a friend?

Psalm 101:7

"I have seen...all sorts of people converted--great blasphemers, pleasure-seekers, thieves, drunkards, unchaste persons, and hardened reprobates. But rarely have I seen a man converted who has been a thorough-paced liar. The heart which is crammed with craft and treachery seems as if it had passed out of the reach of grace." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXVII, (1881), p. 113-114]

Proverbs 13:10

"Pride, in the religious sense, is the attitude of autonomy, of self-determination, of independence of God." [J. C. P. Cockerton in Gathered Gold, p. 249]

The man who rebels against God when he does not get his way will also turn against you when you cross his will. He will also be likely to turn on you unless you join him in his rebellion against the Lord.

Proverbs 20:19

"When you find a man disposed to flatter yourselves, and to ridicule and vilify the absent--suspect him; beware of him; make no confidential communications to him.... The probability is, that in the very next place to which he goes, you yourself may be the subject of his ill-natured sarcasms, and the very persons he has to you been reviling, the subjects of his flattery." [Ralph Wardlaw, Lectures on the Book of Proverbs II, p. 360]

Proverbs 22:24,25

"Though we must be civil to all, yet we must be careful whom we...contact a familiarity with.... A man who is easily provoked, touchy, and...who, when he is in a passion, cares not what he says or does...is not fit to be a friend..., for he will be ever and anon angry with us and that will be our trouble, and he will expect that we should, like him, be angry with others, and that will be our sin.... Those we go with we are apt to grow like." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 907]

"We are inclined to look upon bad temper as a very human weakness....and yet the Bible again and again returns to condemn it as one of the most destructive elements in human nature.... No form of vice, not worldliness, not greed of gold, not drunkenness itself, does more to unChrist- ianize society than evil temper. For embittering life, for breaking up communities,...for devastating homes, for withering up men and women..., in short, for sheer gratuitous misery-provoking power, this influence stands alone." [Henry Drummond, The Greatest Thing in the World and Other Addresses, p. 17-18]

"There is no little truth in the saying, that we either are like our friends..., or will soon be." [Ralph Wardlaw, Lectures on the Book of Proverbs III, p. 62]

Proverbs 24:21,22

"...The word 'fear,'....expresses the general idea of reverence,--or holding in awe. God is to be feared...supremely; kings subordinately." [Ralph Wardlaw, Lectures on the Book of Proverbs III, p. 124]

"The people described as 'given to change' are...people who are rebellious and disloyal." [Gary Inrig, Quality Friendship, p. 132]

"To be given to change;...to alter for the sake of altering; to be weary of the old, and captiv-ated with the new, however untried...--is a fearful hazard." [Charles Bridges, An Exposition of Proverbs, p. 456]

Proverbs 28:7

The Hebrew word translated "riotous" or "glutton" "describes any form of free-spending self-indulgence..." [Gary Inrig, Quality Friendship, p. 132]

"Those that are companions of riotous men...will certainly be drawn from keeping the law of God...to transgress it..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 953]

"Does this mean that I can just write off people like that and have nothing to do with them? Who will reach them if I ignore them? The answer is given through the first half of Proverbs 13:20, which teaches a far more positive truth: 'He who walks with wise men will be wise.' If my closest and most significant friendships are with those committed to God's wisdom, I will be building upon a solid base as I reach out to others." [Gary Inrig, Quality Friendship, p. 133-134]

Personal Response

4. What qualities should one look for in a prospective friend?

Psalm 119:63

"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice." [Ben Johnson in To Be a Friend, p. 13]

"The fear of the Lord is a brief description of true religion. It is a...hearty submission to our heavenly Father. It consists...in a holy reverence of God....accompanied by a child-like trust in Him, which leads to loving obedience, tender submission, and lowly adoration." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXVI, (1890), p. 338]

Proverbs 9:7-9

"If you think yourself above criticism, you are not worth it." [Derek Kidner, "Proverbs," The Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, p. 95]

"...When the soul is filled with chaff there is no room left for wheat." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metro- politan Tabernacle Pulpit XXI, (1875), p. 294]

Proverbs 10:12

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves." [Victor Hugo in To Be a Friend, p. 27]

"Every man should have a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends." [Henry Ward Beecher in ibid., p. 19]

"When two friends part they should lock up each other's secrets and exchange keys." [Diogenes in ibid., p. 10]

Proverbs 17:17

"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant." [Socrates in David Smith, Men Without Friends, p. 103]

"We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty." [G. K. Chesterton in Inspiring Quotations Contemporary & Classical, p. 97]

"Let me have the strength and the courage to love my friends!" [Pindar's Prayer in Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 198]

Proverbs 19:11

"Faults are thick when love is thin," [James Howell in Inspiring Quotations Contemporary & Classical, p. 98]

Proverbs 20:6

"Be true to your word, your work, and your friend." [Henry David Thoreau in To Be a Friend, p. 50]

"He that ceaseth to be a friend never was a good one." [H. G. Bohn in idem.]

Personal Response

5. What qualities should one develop to be a good friend?

Romans 12:16

"...Let each so enter into the feelings and desires of the other as to be of one mind with him. This loving concord cannot exist where the mind is set on 'high things,' such as rank, wealth, honor." [E. H. Gifford, "Romans," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 209]

"Instead of 'minding high things,' they are....to be ready to perform the humblest offices...; remembering that their Lord washed the disciples' feet, and, in so doing, had given them an example that they should do to one another what He had done to all (John 13:1-17)." [John Brown, Analytical Exposition of the Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Romans, p. 471]

Romans 15:7

"You remember the schoolboy's definition of a friend: 'A friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes you." [William Barclay, Daily Celebration, p. 208]

"Who seeks a faultless friend remains friendless." [Turkish proverb in The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 308]

"William James, the influential psychologist of the early 1900s, said, 'The deepest principle of man is the craving to be appreciated.'" [David Smith, Men Without Friends, p. 154]

Galatians 6:2

"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it." [E. W. Howe in The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 305]

Ephesians 4:29

"Evil" or "corrupt" "here is sapros, a word used of rotten...fruit. When applied to rotten talk, whether this is dishonest, unkind or vulgar, we may be sure that in some way it hurts the hearers. Instead, we are to use our unique gift of speech constructively, for edifying, that is to build people up and not damage or destroy them..." [John Stott, God's New Society, p. 188]

Philippians 2:4

"When seven-year-old David Wilson was asked to define love, he said: "Two friends playing together. And love is when you like to play when he wants to and you may not want to." [The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 308]

James 1:19

Rebecca West learned "there was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time." [The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 307]

"...Very seldom do you come across someone who really listens to you. To really listen, someone must love you in some way. Friendship is, first and foremost, an ear." [Ferrucccio, Count of Chiaramonte, in Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 109]

"The porcupine, whom we must handle gloved,

may be respected, but is never loved."

[Arthur Guiterman in David Smith, Men Without Friends, p. 86]

I John 4:7

"The root of our word friend is the Old English freon, which means 'to love.' Loving in the biblical sense means to give fully by concentrating on the needs...of the one loved. If either friend concentrates only on himself, the friendship will weaken and die. One person cannot bear the entire responsibility for the loving maintenance of a friendship." [Jerry and Mary White, Friends and Friendship, p. 91-92]

"As much as anything else, friendship is the inner habit of holding someone who is neither spouse nor relative, nor teacher, nor lover, in your heart." [Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 8]

"The only way to have a friend is to be one." [Ralph Waldo Emerson in The Treasure of Friendship, p. 10]

Personal Response

6. Does the course of true friendship always run smoothly?

Proverbs 17:14

"...If you are interested in...friendship, you have to avoid thinking it will be straightforward, easy, fast, or painless. Almost everywhere I looked, I found friendship dead, the very idea not taken seriously.... To revive true friendship...(requires) tough persistence, struggle, and... knowledge..." [Stuart Miller, Men and Friendship, p. 58]

"We call that person who has lost his father an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. And that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language holds its peace in impotence." [Joseph Roux in The Crown Treasury of Relevant Quotations, p. 309]

Proverbs 18:19

"A friendship is a delicate growth; and even when it has become robust, it can easily be blighted. The results of years may be lost in a few days.... A difficulty with a chance acquaintance is easily removed;...and even if we separate we have no deep resentment. But a difference between true friends may quickly become irreparable.... The resentment springs from a sense of abused confidence and injured love." [R. F. Horton, "The Book of Proverbs," The Expositor's Bible III, p. 405-406]

"...Can a broken friendship ever be healed? Of course. Eventually, fortified cities do fall and barred gates do open, but only after much time and energy is expended." [Jerry and Mary White, Friends and Friendship, p. 101-102]

"A man, Sir, should keep his friendships in constant repair." [Samuel Johnson in The Treasure of Friendship, p. 53]

Proverbs 27:6

"Faithful are the reproofs of a friend, though, for the present they are painful as wounds. It is a sign that our friends are faithful indeed if, in love to our souls, they will not suffer sin upon us, nor let us alone in it. The physician's care is to cure the patient's disease, not to please his palate." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible III, p. 947]

Acts 15:36-41

"Paul and Barnabas parted company, men who had known each other for ten years, and had... served together for about six..., nor did they part...agreeably. What was the trouble? John Mark. This young man had gone with Paul and Barnabas on the first missionary journey.... When the party reached Perga in Pamphylia,...'John...returned to Jerusalem'.... Luke's ' withdrew' and 'went not with them to the work' denote decided blame.... When Paul pro- posed a second journey, Barnabas, a cousin of Mark's (Colossians iv.10 R.V.), suggested that he should again accompany them. Paul...would not have it, and there was a sharp contention.... Which of these two good and great men was right...? Paul was intense and Barnabas was kind, and each carried his virtue beyond...virtue. There are times when the Barnabas-like should be severe, and there are times when the Paul-like should be tender." [W. Graham Scroggie, The Acts of the Apostles, p. 117-119]

Galatians 2:11-16

"This conflict is one of the most remarkable and important events in all Church History. We see St. Peter and St. Paul in open antagonism: the rebuke coming from St. Paul, and the blame resting on St. Peter, and this on a question very seriously affecting Christian faith and conduct in all future ages." [J. S. Howson, "Galatians," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 505]

To imply "that the Israelite by virtue of his legal observances stood in a higher position than 'sinners of the Gentiles' was to stultify the doctrine of the cross, to make Christ's death... gratuitous... Peter's error, pushed to its logical consequences, involved the overthrow of the Gospel." [G. G. Findlay, "The Epistle to the Galatians," The Expositor's Bible V, p. 846]

"We have every reason to believe that...Peter...freely acknowledged his error and honored his reprover. Both the Epistles that bear his name...testify to the high value which their author set upon the teaching of 'our beloved brother Paul.'" [ibid., p. 847]

"Let us be certain that a man is to be blamed before we withstand him; and when we do so, let it be to his face." [John Brown, An Exposition of the Epistle to the Galatians, p. 84]

Personal Response

7. Should I try to dominate my friends?

Matthew 20:25-28

"Why were the ten displeased...? Because they also wanted place and power.... Jesus teaches that to serve is to reign.... We are great not as we get, but as we give, not by being lords, but by being servants, not by wearing crowns, but by bearing crosses, and by washing feet." [W. Graham Scroggie, The Gospel of Mark, p. 189, 191]

"True greatness...does not mean dominance, but service." [James Denney, The Death of Christ, p. 27]

"The descent to hell is easy, and those who begin by worshipping power soon worship evil." [C. S. Lewis, The Allegory of Love, p. 188]

"Human beings hunger for power. German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche argued...that 'the will to power' is the basic human drive.... To be free from all limitations, to transcend the proscriptions of society and God, and to shrug off responsibility for others if such responsibility interferes with personal goals is, according to Nietzsche, what every person naturally craves....

"While I am diametrically opposed to Nietzsche's atheistic beliefs, I appreciate his honest appraisal of things.... Strangely, what this enemy of Christianity says about human nature is very much in harmony with what the Bible teaches.... Nietzsche clearly saw the hunger for power as anti-Christian. Consequently, he declared that Christianity should be abolished.... He knew that Christ's call to servanthood and humility precludes all power games... In short, to be coercive and Christian at the same time is impossible. Christianity is a religion for people who acknowledge their weakness and want to make love the foundation of their lives." [Anthony Campolo, Jr., The Power Delusion, p. 9-11]

Matthew 23:8-12

"It is not within our power to change people. If they don't change themselves, change will never take place. We can love people, pray for them, offer suggestions, and even confront them. But we cannot change them. The more we try to change people, the worse our relation- ships will become.... The best way to help people change...is to give them freedom.... Of course there is risk involved... That person...might abuse his liberty and make a mess of his life. But...it is his life. And...we cannot live his life for him. Even if he falls flat on his face, that failure in itself may be what it takes to set the change process into motion." [Judson Edwards, What They Never Told Us About How To Get Along With Each Other, p. 82-83]

"Christians often have more problems with needing control than others.... Some even delude themselves into thinking they can control grace...., forgetting that grace is a pure gift. No one can manipulate God into giving. He's too wonderful for such games! Flesh wars against grace because it knows no humility." [Alexander De Jong, Alcoholism and Codependency, p. 111-112]

Romans 15:1-6

"...Bearing the infirmities of the weak requires that we...not...'please ourselves,' i. e. indulge our own will and pleasure..., but rather 'let each of us please his neighbor,' conciliate him by forbearance and loving sympathy..." [E. H. Gifford, "Romans," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 222]

"But the command 'to please' has its limits. These are indicated by the end to be sought--'For good to edification'.... When men can be both pleased and profited, it is very right they should be pleased. But it often happens that the two things are utterly incompatible. Even good men cannot always be pleased and profited at the same time. To please, you must sometimes do what would injure them; and to profit..., you must do what is likely to offend them." [John Brown, Analytical Exposition of the Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Romans, p. 545-546]

When such a choice is thrust upon us, the Bible clearly teaches that we are to do what God says is genuinely in the other's best interest even if he is thereby displeased.

I Corinthians 9:19-22

"To be 'as one without the law' does not mean to be 'lawless.'... For Paul the language 'being under (or "keeping") the law' has to do with being Jewish in a national-cultural-religious sense; but as a new man in Christ he also expects the Spirit to empower him (as well as all of God's new people) to live out the ethics of the new age, which are the 'commands of God' (7:19) now written on hearts of flesh (cf. Ezek. 36:26-27)." [Gordon Fee, "The First Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 430]

"The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too." [Samuel Butler in The Portable Curmudgeon, p. 87]

Personal Response

8. Should I be dependent on a friend in a servile way?

Psalm 62:7-9

There is a great difference between trusting people and trusting in people. While the Bible urges us to love others with a love that "believeth all things" (I Corinthians 13:7; review the material on "FAITH in others" in the index), it warns us not to give people the absolute dependency that should be God's alone.

"Let us not trust in the men of this world, for they are broken reeds.... There is no depending on their wisdom to advise us, their power to act for us, their good-will to us, no, nor upon their promises, in comparison with God, nor otherwise than in subordination to him." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible, III, p. 467]

Psalm 146:3-5

"Men are...far too apt to depend upon the great ones of earth and forget the Great One above; and this...is the fruitful source of disappointment." [C. H. Spurgeon, The Treasury of David VII, p. 401]

Jeremiah 17:5-8

"...Safe as it seems, the security of emotional dependency is like the Chinese water torture. In the beginning, it doesn't hurt, and it can even seem pleasant; but in the end, its cumulative effect is to generate a pain that floods over all other sensations." [William Crisman, The Opposite of Everything Is True, p. 178]

"All God's giants have been weak men who did great things for God because they reckoned on God being with them." [J. Hudson Taylor in Gathered Gold, p. 96]

Personal Response

9. Whose friendship should I be most careful to cultivate?

II Chronicles 20:7

"God, being perfect, has capacity for perfect friendship." [A. W. Tozer, That Incredible Christian, p. 120]

John 15:13-15

"To know Christ, serve Christ, follow Christ, obey Christ..., fight Christ's battles, all this is no small matter. But for sinful men and women like ourselves to be called 'friends of Christ,' is something...our...minds can hardly grasp... The King of kings and Lord of lords not only pities and saves all them that believe in Him, but actually calls them His 'friends.'... Why should we be afraid to pour out all our hearts...? Certainly our great Master...will never for- sake His 'friends.' Poor and unworthy as we are, He will...stand by us and keep us to the end. David never forgot Jonathan, and the Son of David will never forget His people. None so rich, so strong, so independent, so well...provided for, as the man of whom Christ says, 'This is my friend'!" [J. C. Ryle, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels II, p. 346-347]

James 4:4

"...Worldliness is the enthronement of something other than God as the supreme object of man's interests and affections." [R. V. G. Tasker, "World," The New Bible Dictionary, p. 1339]

Men and women who say they belong to Christ but give their hearts to the world are charged with adultery because they are being unfaithful to their Lord.

I John 2:15-17

"To love the world as it is is the...love...which is 'the enemy of God', because it means I am the friend of the system of things which does not take God into account. We are to love the world in the way God loves it, and be ready to spend and be spent until the wrong and evil are removed from it." [Oswald Chambers, Biblical Ethics, p. 33]

"There were two boys in the Taylor family. The older said he must make a name for the family, and so turned his face toward Parliament and fame. The younger decided to give his life to the service of Christ, and so turned his face toward China... Hudson Taylor, the missionary, died, beloved and known on every continent. 'But when I looked in the Encyclo- pedia to see what the other son had done...I found these words, "The brother of Hudson Taylor."'" [Merv Rosell, Driftwood, p. 15]

"Build your nest on no tree here; for ye see God hath sold the forest to death; and every tree whereupon we would rest is ready to be cut down to the end that we may fly...up and build upon the Rock (Jesus)." [Samuel Rutherford in The Expositor's Dictionary of Texts II, p. 952]

"The love of creatures is deceptive and unstable; the love of Jesus is faithful and enduring. Whoever clings to any creature will fall with its falling; but he who holds to Jesus shall stand firm for ever. Love Him, therefore, and keep Him as your friend; for when all others desert you, He will not abandon you, nor allow you to perish at the last." [Thomas a Kempis, The Imitation of Christ, p. 75]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 12

When a book titled Lonely All the Time came to my attention, I winced. That sounded like the story of my life!

I never felt that my father loved me nor was I emotionally open with my mother or brothers. Since my father worked for the U.S. Public Health Service, our family moved about once every two years until I was an adult. I'd just begin to get to know someone and it was time to say goodbye. That meant no close friends. I never learned the knack of intimacy at home or else- where.

When I became conscious of homosexual feelings, I grew afraid of intimacy. To be close was to risk being found out, so I withdrew further into my shell and the loneliness became even more acute. Defensive detachment was my pattern of relating until I lost everything and started to rebuild my life from the ground up.

I had to learn a whole new way of relating. I had always been willing to help others but never learned how to let myself be known and vulnerable so that I could be loved. I knew how to be a friend but had never allowed others to befriend me. I was frightened!

My counselor suggested that I write out what I was looking for in a friend. Having journaled that, I read several books on friendship to "get the lay of the land." Then, I launched out.

I found several friends in my HA chapter. I also found several friends among heterosexual men in church. I reached out to one man who struggled with drug addiction. That friendship was very difficult because of his repeated relapses. I found a very supportive friend in a young attorney. He has moved out of the area, but we are still in touch. I reached out to another man who was going through a painful divorce. He also became a good friend.

The course of these friendships has not always been smooth. I was much too sensitive to any perceived rejection. For example, I was supposed to get together with one friend but he called to cancel because he had to let a repairman into his home. He said maybe we could visit the next day. Fine. But he did not come. I felt some anxiety. When next I saw him I asked when we could get together. He said he'd get in touch with me, but did not. Several times over the next two weeks I asked him to let me know when would be a good time to meet. He said he would, but set no date and did not call. So, I decided that he did not want me for a friend and, hurt and angry, resumed my habit of defensive detachment. I made up my mind to write him off as a lost cause!

In this frame of mind I went to an HA meeting where a member shared his pain in a friendship with a man who was manic depressive. Whenever the man entered his depressive cycle, he became angry and took his frustrations out on the HA member, causing him much suffering. Still, he said he was determined to continue to be the man's friend, no matter what, because, he said, "We are not called by Christ to protect ourselves, but to love."

I got a glimpse of how self-centered my pain was making me and determined to go to my friend and tell him how I felt. I went to his home at once, before I lost my courage. I began by asking him to forgive me because I had been "correctly cool" to him the last time we met. I explained my feelings and closed by telling him I really wanted us to be friends, if he was willing.

He was beautiful! He apologized for not getting back to me, explaining that he had been depressed and withdraws from people when he felt that way--something I could understand only too well. So our friendship was back on track.

I wrote in my journal, "I need to be more willing to risk rejection as I openly share my needs with others. I will at times experience pain in this process, but the alternative is to be alone and easy prey for the old longings." I was learning.

And I'm still learning. There is so much to make up for, but it pays such rich dividends! I'd been in recovery a little over two years when I started traveling for HA. I spent two weeks in California leading an HA Training Seminar and visiting several chapters. I had a wonderful time, everyone was friendly, but, after about ten days, I began waking up with vivid homosexual fantasies. These were not something that came after awakening, but were there immediately--my first conscious thoughts. While I did not think there was any danger that I would act out, the fantasies did trouble me. After four or five days at home with friends, they ceased.

About eighteen months later, I was in Canada for seventeen days. This time there were no fantasies. My level of temptation remained just as it was at home--not altogether non-existent, but not something against which I have to struggle much or of which I am usually even aware.

Further, I was struck by the closeness and deep affection I felt for several of the men and women I met. A few years earlier I had no such feelings of trust and openness with anyone--not even my family. Even the year before I experienced this only with close friends. Now I was enjoying a feeling of caring and being cared for with people I had just met. Having unmet emotional needs from childhood met through healthy friendships enabled me to more easily and quickly form wholesome attachments. Thus the difference in my two trips.

And so I continue to rejoice in the growing wholeness I am experiencing and to reach forth for even better things that lie ahead. I thank God for those needs He meets directly. I thank Him for the needs He meets through others.

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 12

1) Listen to the tapes Friends and Friendship and What Is Love? under "STEP 12" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 13. Finish the book your step coach recommended to help you with Steps 8-14 and ask him to recommend a book listed under Step 12 on the "HA Book Ministry" list you can begin reading. Continue to work in your workbook. Journal what you learn from all this and share your findings with your step coach.

2) Journal the story of one of your friendships that went sour. In light of what you have learned from Step 12, write what you might do differently if faced with the same problems now. Discuss what you have written with your step coach.

3) List five people you have contact with who might be good candidates for friendship. Journal what you have in common with each and how you might approach building a friendship. Discuss this with your step coach, try to reach out to several of these people, and report to your step coach weekly on your progress and any problems you may be having.

4) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

Blest be the tie that binds

Our hearts in Christian love:

The fellowship of kindred minds

Is like to that above.

Before our Father's throne

We pour our ardent prayers;

Our fears, our hopes, our aims, are one,

Our comforts and our cares.

We share our mutual woes,

Our mutual burdens bear,

And often for each other flows

The sympathizing tear.

When we asunder part,

It gives us inward pain;

But we shall still be joined in heart,

And hope to meet again.

This glorious hope revives

Our courage by the way,

While each in expectation lives,

And longs to see the day.

From sorrow, toil and pain,

And sin we shall be free;

And perfect love and friendship reign

Throughout eternity.

--

John Fawcett STEP 13

We sought, through confident praying and the wisdom of Scripture

for an ongoing growth in our relationship with God

and a humble acceptance of His guidance for our lives.

Most of us tend to go to extremes. It has certainly been so for many of us in our relationship with God. Sometimes we acted as if all we needed to do to find freedom was to fellowship with Him. When that didn't work, some of us began to ignore Him, seeking freedom in human rela- tionships alone. That didn't work either, and we may have been sorely tempted to give up.

The truth is that we need God to work in our lives both directly and through others. We need both a good relationship with our Lord and good friendships with other people.

Steps 1-7 concentrated on relating to God; Steps 8-12 on relating to others. Step 13 is a timely reminder not to allow our quest for friendship to lead us to neglect our walk with God. "Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it; except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain" (Psalm 127:1).

As in all friendships, our relationship with God is either growing or shrinking! If it is to grow, we must learn how to talk to God in prayer and listen to Him in Scripture.

As we commune with God, He will meet us with both compassion and challenge. When Jesus rescued the woman taken in adultery from those who would have stoned her, He asked, "'Woman, where are...thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?' She said, 'No man, Lord.' And Jesus said unto her, 'Neither do I condemn thee: go and sin no more'" (John 8:10, 11). Here is One whose love will forgive all our sins, wipe away all our tears, and challenge all that which is hurtful in our lives. He who says, "Neither do I condemn thee" also says, "Go and sin no more." Love can do no less.

"If we believe in a personal God at all, we must believe that He sees and cares.... He sees the deadly harm we do to ourselves and to one another.... He will never be content with the traves- ties of humanity that we now are. He made us to be wholly human, wholly beautiful, wholly like Himself.... We are inescapably bound to the necessity, the demand, to love God with all our hearts and our neighbors as ourselves. There is no alternative. No way out. The demands of love are inexorable." [Joseph Cooke, Celebration of Grace, p. 19-20]

When God lovingly points to areas where change is needed, we are faced with a choice. We may rebel against the One who loves us more than life itself, and thus must challenge our destructive habit patterns; or we may choose the way of humility and gratefully accept His guidance for our lives.

Long ago God challenged His people, "Can two walk together except they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3). Because God loves us so deeply, He must hold us to the best. To do otherwise would be to abandon us to that which will only bring pain to us and to others. When God speaks, we may choose to walk with Him in the way of truth, or we may choose to walk away from Him in the paths of darkness.

While God will not abandon us, we need desperately to stay close to Him. Step 13 explains how.

1. Should my friendship with God be static or growing?

I Thessalonians 3:12,13

"Love...is the one grace in which all others are comprehended; we can never have too much of it; we can never have enough.... It is a power and an exercise of our own souls..., yet we are not the fountain of it; it is the Lord who is to make us rich in love.... Paul seeks love for his converts as the means by which their hearts may be established unblamable in holiness.... A selfish, loveless,....cold heart is not unblamable, and never will be; it is either pharisaical or foul, or both. But love sanctifies. Often we escape from our sins by escaping from ourselves; by a hearty, self-denying, self-forgetting interest in others. It is quite possible to think so much about holiness as to put holiness out of...reach: it does not come from concentrating thought upon ourselves at all; it is the child of love, which kindles a fire in the heart in which faults are burnt up. Love is the fulfilling of the law...; the end of all perfection." [James Denney, "The Epistles to the Thessalonians," The Expositor's Bible VI, p. 336-337]

II Thessalonians 1:3

"If we wish to be rational, not now and then, but constantly, we must pray for the gift of Faith, for the power to go on believing, not in the teeth of reason, but in the teeth of lust and terror and jealousy and boredom and indifference that which reason, authority, or experience, or all three, have once delivered to us for truth." [C. S. Lewis, Christian Reflections, p. 43]

"...The Apostle gives thanks....because the faith of the Thessalonians grows exceedingly, and their mutual love abounds.... It is the very nature of life to grow; when growth is arrested, it is the beginning of decay.... There is room for (spiritual life) to grow...unceasingly, because it is planned for eternity, and not for time. It should be in continual progress, ever improving, advancing from strength to strength. Day by day and year by year Christians should become... stronger in faith, richer in love." [James Denney, "The Epistles to the Thessalonians," The Expositor's Bible VI, p. 362-363]

I Peter 2:2,3

"...So long as the believer is in the world, his childhood lasts..." [John Lillie, Lectures on the First and Second Epistles of Peter, p. 92]

"He has been born again by the word of God. From this he is to seek his constant nurture, as instinctively as the babe turns to its mother's breast.... The healthy condition of the life of the soul is evidenced by these two signs: longing for proper food and growth by partaking thereof." [J. Rawson Lumby, "The Epistles of St. Peter," The Expositor's Bible VI, p. 694]

II Peter 3:18

"The New Testament word for sanctification is hagiasmos. All Greek nouns which end in -asmos describe a process; and sanctification is 'the road to holiness'." [William Barclay, Daily Celebration, p. 75]

"Such as do not grow in grace, decay in grace.... 'Not to go forward in the Christian life is to turn back.' Bernard. There is no standing in religion... If faith does not grow, unbelief will..." [Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity, p. 276]

Personal Response

2. What is one way I can grow in my fellowship with God?

I Chronicles 16:11

"Prayer is not getting things from God, but getting into communion with God." [Henrietta Mears, Thoughts For All Seasons, p. 28]

"Retire from the world each day to some private spot, even if it be only the bedroom.... Stay in the secret place till the surrounding noises begin to fade out of your heart and a sense of God's presence envelops you.... Stop trying to compete with others. Give yourself to God and then be what and who you are without regard to what others think.... Practice..childlike honesty, humility. Pray for a single eye.... Call home your roving thoughts. Gaze on Christ with the eyes of your soul. Practice spiritual concentration." [A. W. Tozer, Of God and Men, p. 106]

I Timothy 2:8

"Prayer is a sincere, sensible, affectionate pouring out of the heart or soul to God through Christ, in the strength and assistance of the Holy Spirit, for such things as God hath promised, or, according to the Word, for the good of the Church, with submission, in faith, to the will of God." [The Complete Works of John Bunyan I, p. 655]

"In prayer the heart of man empties itself before God, and then Christ empties his heart out to supply the needs of his poor believing child. In prayer we confess to Christ our deficiencies, and he reveals to us his fullness. We tell him our sorrows, he tells us of his joys. We tell him our sins, he shows to us his righteousness. We tell him the dangers that lie before us, he tells us of the shield of omnipotence with which he can and will guard us. Prayer talks with God; it walks with him. And he who is much in prayer will hold very much fellowship with Jesus Christ." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XLIV, (1898), p. 255]

It has been suggested that we remember the components of prayer by recalling the word ACTS:

A -- Adoration

C -- Confession

T -- Thanksgiving

S -- Supplication

Note these elements of prayer in the examples given below and in the model prayer Christ gave His disciples.

Psalm 96:1-10

"He knows little of himself who is not much in prayer, and he knows little of God who is not much in praise." [Bishop Wilson in Lenten Sermons, p. 13]

"...All enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless...shyness or the fear of boring others is...brought in to check it. The world rings with praise--lovers praising their mistresses, readers their favorite poet, walkers...the countryside, players...their favorite game--praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, motors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, child- ren, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare beetles, even sometimes politicians or scholars.... We delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment... It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are; the delight is incomplete till it is expressed.... Fully to enjoy is to glorify. In commanding us to glorify Him, God is inviting us to enjoy Him." [C. S. Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms, p. 94-97]

Psalm 51:1-4

"The petitions of vv.1,2 teach us how the psalmist thought of sin.... 'Transgression' is... rebellion; 'iniquity' that which is twisted...; 'sin,' missing a mark....

"We note, too, how the psalmist realizes his personal responsibility. He reiterates 'my'--'my transgressions, my iniquity, my sin.' He does not throw blame on circumstances or talk about temperament...or bodily organization....

"These petitions show also how the psalmist thought of forgiveness.... 'Blot out'...conceives of forgiveness as being the erasure of a writing, perhaps an indictment.... 'Wash me thor- oughly'....means....'Do anything with me, if only these foul stains are melted from the texture of my soul.'... 'Make me clean'...is the...word for the priestly act of...making as well as declaring clean from the stains of leprosy. The suppliant thinks of his guilt not only as a blotted record or...polluted robe, but as a fatal disease...and as capable of being taken away only by the hand of the Priest laid on the feculent mass. We know who put out His hand and touched the leper, and said, 'I will: be thou clean.'

"The petitions for cleansing are, in ver. 3, urged on the ground of the psalmist's consciousness of sin.... 'Sin is always sin, and deserving of punishment, whether it is confessed or not. Still, confession of sin is of importance on this account--that God will be gracious to none but to those who confess their sin' (Luther).

"Ver. 4 sounds the depths... ...The psalmist shuts out all other aspects of his guilt, and is absorbed in its solemnity as viewed in relation to God.... David's deed had been a crime against Bathsheba, against Uriah, against his family and his realm; but these were not its blackest char- acteristics. Every crime against man is sin against God.... So....he makes no excuse for his sin, but submits himself unconditionally to the just judgment of God." [Alexander Maclaren, "The Psalms," The Expositor's Bible III, p. 138-139]

Psalm 103:1-5

"The formula, 'Bless the Lord, O my soul,' is so familiar to us that we do not notice how odd it is. It is the self summoning the self to praise, i.e., the self reminding self of the fact that all of life must be finally referred to God's goodness.... The basis for praise is the marvelous series of participles in verses 3-6 ....: 'forgives, heals, redeems, crowns, satisfies.'" [Walter Brueggemann, The Message of the Psalms, p. 160]

"In vss. 1-5 the psalmist urges his innermost being to thank Yahweh for five blessings: the for- giveness of sins, the healing of illnesses, rescue from Sheol, admittance to a blessed afterlife, the eternal enjoyment of God's beauty in heaven." [Mitchell Dahood, "Psalms 101-150," The Anchor Bible, p. 24]

In adoration we praise God for His marvelous attributes and His mighty deeds. In thanksgiving we bless Him for the blessings He has bestowed on us. "Gratitude felt and expressed becomes a healing, life-building force in the soul." [A. W. Tozer, The Set of the Sail, p. 162]

Ephesians 6:18,19

In supplication we face our limitations. We acknowledge that we are not all-powerful and ask God to help those we love and to meet our own deep needs. Here we humbly admit that we are but children and go to our heavenly Father and confidently give Him our burdens.

"Reading the other day...I came across....a review of a book just out whose title probably indicates that popular piety has just hit an all-time low. The book is called, I Prayed Myself Slim, but according to the reviewer a better title might be 'The Power of Positive Shrinking.'... Out of some fifty-eight prayers offered by Miss Pierce only four acknowledge the existence of other people." [William Sloane Coffin, Jr., "The Call," Sermons To Intellectuals From Three Continents, p. 9-10]

"Intercessory prayer is loving our neighbors on our knees." [Robert Hastings, A Word Fitly Spoken, p. 87]

Matthew 6:9-13

In addition to the elements in prayer we have seen above, this prayer our Lord taught His disciples calls us to forgive those who have wronged us. Review the material on "FORGIVE- NESS of others" listed in the index for more help on this subject.

"In each prayer to the Father I must be able to say I know of no one I do not heartily love." [Andrew Murray, With Christ in the School of Prayer, p. 39]

"Hannah Moore used to say, 'If I had an enemy whom I wanted to punish, I would teach him to hate someone.'" [Clarence Edward Macartney, The Lord's Prayer, p. 66]

Personal Response

3. What is a healthy attitude to maintain when one prays?

Mark 11:24

"This promise....assumes that a believer will ask things which are not sinful, and which are in accordance with the will of God. When he asks such things, he may confidently believe that his prayer will be answered." [J. C. Ryle, Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Mark, p. 237]

Many of us engaged in neurotic rather than confident praying. We desperately pleaded with God, "Oh, PLEASE help me," all the while feeling that He was at best disinterested and at worst angry with us. We did not really expect Him to help us, but asked anyway because we did not know what else to do with our problems.

The Bible urges us to pray confidently, knowing that Christ has made us wholly acceptable to God through His death on the cross for our sins and His righteousness imputed to us when we came to trust in Him. God is not angry with us. We are His children through faith in Jesus Christ. He cannot be indifferent to our needs. He loves us with a love that passes knowledge (Ephesians 3:19).

When such a faith undergirds our prayers, they are offered, not with desperation, but with con- fidence; not in anxiety, but in serenity.

Hebrews 4:16

"These phrases import such cheerfulness and confidence as may remove fear and dread of wrath ...and make us without staggering rest upon God's gracious accepting of our persons and grant- ing our desires. For Christ our priest hath done to the full whatsoever is requisite to satisfy justice, pacify wrath, procure favor, and obtain acceptance; on which grounds we may well go to God with an holy boldness and confidence." [William Gouge, Commentary on Hebrews, p. 340]

Hebrews 10:19-23

"The Jewish high-priest was shut out from access to the Holy of Holies by the veil, which hung in front of it. How then did he pass into it on the Day of Atonement?... He entered in by virtue of the sacrificial blood (ix.7,25). This alone enabled him to draw aside the veil, which separated between sinful man and the Holy God. The atoning blood formed (for a brief interval) a way of approach to God. But whatever the typical virtue of this entrance into the Holy of Holies might be, it could not 'give life' (Gal. iii.21). The 'living way' of reconciliation was 'consecrated for us' by the blood of Jesus. So long as the Word tabernacled in flesh, sin was not atoned for. But, when that flesh was rent, so that the life-blood poured forth from it, the way into the Holiest was 'made manifest' and 'dedicated:' a 'living' way, endued with 'the power of an endless life' (vii.16); allowing man to enter into communion with the Living God." [William Kay, "Hebrews," The Bible Commentary X, p. 79]

"We have 'boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus,' and in no other way. We take the crown off Redemption as the ground on which God answers prayer and put it on our own earnestness." [Oswald Chambers, So Send I You, p. 126] When we rest on anything in ourselves, we leave the solid rock (Christ) for the mire of self-sufficiency. Small wonder our prayers are hindered.

I John 5:14,15

"Prayer is request. The essence of request, as distinct from compulsion, is that it may or may not be granted. And if an infinitely wise Being listens to the requests of finite and foolish creatures, of course He will sometimes grant and sometimes refuse them." [C. S. Lewis, The World's Last Night and Other Essays, p. 4-5]

"Prayer is a mighty instrument, not for getting man's will done in Heaven, but for getting God's will done in Earth." [Robert Law, The Tests of Life, p. 304]

"If you cannot find that God has promised a blessing, you have no right to ask for it, and no reason to expect it. There is no use in asking money from a banker without a check. Christians take their arrows from God's quiver and shoot them with this on their lips: 'Do as thou hast said. Remember thy word unto thy servant upon which thou hast caused me to hope.' True prayers are like...carrier pigeons... They cannot fail to go to heaven, for it is from heaven that they came. They are only going home." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XX, (1874), p. 514-515]

Personal Response

4. What is another way I can grow in my fellowship with God?

Psalm 119:97-99

"I never saw a useful Christian who was not a student of the Bible. If a man neglect his Bible, he may pray and ask God to use him in His work, but God cannot make use of him, for there is not much for the Holy Ghost to work upon. We cannot overcome Satan with our feelings. The reason why some people have such bitter experience is that they try to overcome...by their feelings and experiences. Christ overcame Satan by the Word." [D. L. Moody in Great Texts of the Bible IV, p. 423-424]

The Navigators suggest that those who want a good grip on the Bible think of a hand. It takes all five fingers to get a good hold on anything. Five elements are needed for a strong grip on God's Word: (1) hearing, (2) reading, (3) studying, (4) memorizing, and (5) meditating. Note these elements in the passages below.

Revelation 1:3

"Abraham Lincoln, burdened by the unbearable responsibilities of the Civil War, wrote to a friend: 'I am profitably engaged in the reading of the Bible. Take all of the book upon reason that you can and the balance on faith, and you will live and die a better man.'" [Walter Maier, The Radio for Christ, p. 58]

A wise Christian will not only read, but will hear what others have learned from Scripture. "Come from your knees to the sermon, and from the sermon to your knees." [Joseph Alleine, Alarm to the Unconverted, p. 29]

Reading and hearing must result in keeping God's Word if one is to be blessed. "You know the story of Donald's coming home a little sooner from kirk than usual and his wife enquiring, 'What! Donald! is the sermon all done?' He replied, 'No, no; it is all said, but it has not begun to be done yet.'" [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXV, (1879). [p. 200]

"'Doing' makes a new thing of 'hearing.' The statute obeyed becomes a song. The command-ment...a beatitude. The decree discloses the riches of grace. The hidden things of God are not discovered until we are treading the path of obedience.... God has wonderful treasures for the dutiful. The faithful discover the 'hidden manna.'" [John Henry Jowett, My Daily Meditation, p. 126]

II Timothy 2:15

"The true Christian should be, indeed must be, a theologian. He must know at least something of the wealth of truth revealed in the Holy Scriptures." [A. W. Tozer, That Incredible Christ- ian, p. 21]

Psalm 37:30,31

"It is good to have the Book in the hand. It is better to have the Book in the head. It is best to have the Book in the heart." [Andrew W. Blackwood in Ian MacPherson, Sermon Outlines From Sermon Masters: Old Testament, p. 147]

Psalm 119:15

"The word meditate...literally means to murmur or to mutter...to talk to oneself. When we meditate on the Scriptures we talk to ourselves about them, turning over in our minds the mean- ings, the implications, and the applications to our own lives." [Jerry Bridges, The Practice of Godliness, p. 53]

J. Wilbur Chapman said we have not finished with Scripture till we have studied it through, prayed it in, lived it out, and passed it on!

Personal Response

5. What is a healthy attitude in Bible study?

I Samuel 3:10

"The difficulty we modern Christians face is not misunderstanding the Bible, but persuading our untamed hearts to accept its plain instructions." [A. W. Tozer, The Divine Conquest, p. 114]

Proverbs 2:1-6

"Wise men strive for blessedness...fools wish for it." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Taberna- cle Pulpit XXXII, (1886), p. 516]

Proverbs 10:8

"It is a...shocking thing, but I have known the case of a man...knowing such-and-such a thing to be right, yet not attending to it, but saying that he was praying about it. He wanted it to be 'brought home' to his conscience... ...Such conduct is...rebellion against God, a shameful piece of hypocrisy, pretending to honor God in one duty while...neglecting another." [C. H. Spur- geon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XLIX, (1913), p. 471]

Isaiah 66:1,2

God "has a heaven and earth of his own making, and a temple of man's making; but he over- looks them...that he may look with favor to him that is poor in spirit, humble and serious,...self-denying, whose heart is truly contrite for sin..., and who trembles at God's word...with an habitual awe of God's majesty and purity..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible IV, p. 389]

I Corinthians 3:18,19

Should you be tempted to doubt something you find in the Bible, you would be wise to doubt yourself and trust God's Word. You may have misunderstood what you read or may be misin- formed.

"In...1861 the French Academy of Science published a list of fifty-one so-called scientific facts each of which, it was alleged, disproved some statement in the Bible. Today the Bible remains as it was then, but not one of those fifty-one so-called facts is held by men of science." [Loraine Boettner, Studies in Theology, p. 35]

Dr. Peter Stoner, an astronomer and mathematician who taught at the University of California and Westmont College, wrote, "While a graduate student in the University of California, I was asked to teach a Sunday School class of Chinese students...who were pursuing their studies under government sponsorship.... They did not wish to become Christians, but wished to learn about the religion of Christianity and how...it had influenced American culture. The pastor thought I should organize and instruct this...class, and somewhat hesitantly I agreed....

"Since these young men had no faith in the Bible, ordinary Bible teaching seemed useless. Then I hit upon an idea. I had noticed...a very close relationship between the first chapter of Genesis and the sciences and decided to present this picture to the group. The students and I naturally were aware of the fact that....many of the teachings of people back in the days of Moses and for thousands of years thereafter were...absurd when looked at in the light of modern know- ledge.... Nevertheless...we spent the whole winter on Genesis I. The students took assignments to the university library, and...brought back papers marked by a thoroughness such as a teacher usually only dreams of.

"At the end of that winter the pastor invited me to his office and told me that the entire group had come to him saying that they wished to become Christians. It had been proved to them, they...said, that the Bible was the inspired Word of God... I am now going to be very frank. Up to this time...like many others I considered the Bible to be a book giving...necessary instruction in spiritual matters, but perhaps not reliable in many parts. I myself was as much impressed by our findings as were the students." ["Genesis I in the Light of Modern Astron- omy," The Evidence of God in an Expanding Universe, p. 137-138]

"...It is a poor sort of faith that depends on the absence of difficulties. Treat your Bible as you would...your friend. A friendship that cannot bear the strain of a misunderstanding does not deserve the name; nor a faith that gives way in the presence of a difficulty." [Sir Robert Anderson, The Bible and Modern Criticism, p. 259]

James 4:6,7

"The Bible looks on sin...as red-handed rebellion against the domination of the Creator. The essence of sin is--'I won't allow anybody to "boss" me saving myself', and it may manifest itself in a morally good man as well as in a morally bad man. Sin has not to do with morality or immorality, it has to do with my claim to my right to myself, a deliberate and emphatic independence of God, though I veneer it over with Christian phraseology." [Oswald Chambers, Our Portrait in Genesis, p. 7] Review the material on "HUMILITY" listed in the index.

Personal Response

7. What will show whether or not humility is a part of my life?

Proverbs 16:5,6

Verses like these are not aimed at those who sincerely struggle against sin, but sometimes fail; but at the proud rebel who is determined to do as he pleases instead of as God wills.

"The proud man is placed in the very worst company in Proverbs, heading the 'seven abomina- tions' in 6:17, and assured of judgment, in company with the adulterer (6:29), the perjurer (19:5), and similar scarlet sinners whom he doubtless thanks God he does not resemble.... The special evil of pride is that it opposes the first principle of wisdom (the fear of the Lord) and the two great commandments. The proud man is at odds with himself (8:36), his neighbor (13:10), and the Lord (16:5)." [Derek Kidner, "Proverbs," The Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, p. 118,120]

"God is looking for the heart that knows how little it deserves, how much it owes." [Derek Kidner, "Psalms 1-72," The Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, p. 194]

Luke 6:46-49

"Judas betrayed the Lord with a kiss, not a slap. Our Lord is betrayed with a show of affection perhaps more often than in any other way. We call Him Lord, Lord, and do not what He says. He that keepeth His commandments, he it is that loveth Him, not he that just sings 'O, How I Love Jesus.'... To be sure, He welcomes our kiss...but...the test of love is loyalty." [Vance Havner, Day By Day, p. 49]

"It will benefit no one to honor Him merely by word of mouth (verse 46) while they do not do His bidding. But he who comes to Him, surrenders himself to his Lord, follows Him as Guide, listens to His words, and carries them out in practical life, will reap the richest benefit. Just as surely as a house which is built with its foundations firmly fixed upon a rock will brave all storms, so surely will those whose life is governed by obedience to Christ's teachings emerge triumphantly from all storms..." [Norval Geldenhuys, "Commentary on the Gospel of Luke," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 215]

John 13:17

"No instructed Christian will waste his time praying for things that are within his power to obtain. To do so is to deceive ourselves and make a farce of the whole concept of prayer. If work will get it for us, then work it is or we can go without it." [A. W. Tozer, The Next Chapter after the Last, p. 110-111]

John 15:9-11

Jesus says "that, in the same way as the Father loves him, he loves the disciples. This is a wonderful and surprising thought... His love is no shallow emotion, easily aroused and as easily dispersed. It is a love that...is an expression of his innermost being. Jesus leaves no doubt that he loves them and that they should take care to 'remain' in that love. There is a sense, of course, in which it is impossible to stop Christ from loving us.... But there is another sense in which we can so live and feel and think that we cease to find that love the center of our being. We can turn our thoughts...to the things of this life and be so caught up in that life that we cease to 'remain' in that love. As far as it concerns us, we are thereby no longer in love and are cutting ourselves off from some of the blessings that Christ offers us." [Leon Morris, Exposi- tory Reflections on the Gospel of John, p. 520-521]

"...We must not misunderstand our Lord's words when He speaks of 'keeping His command-ments.' There is a sense in which no one can keep them. Our best works are imperfect...and when we have done our best we may well cry, 'God be merciful to me a sinner.' Yet we must not run into the other extreme, and give way to the lazy idea that we can do nothing at all. By the grace of God we may make Christ's laws our rule of life, and show daily that we desire to please Him. So doing, our gracious Master will give us a constant sense of His favor, and make us feel His face smiling on us, like the sun shining on a fine day." [J. C. Ryle, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels II, p. 341]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 13

I was raised when children were to be seen but not heard. We were taught that children were to listen to their elders, but not to do much talking to them. We were also told not to let others know about any neediness we might perceive in ourselves. It was our problem and we were to solve it by ourselves as best we could. To do otherwise was to admit to personal weakness, and that, we were told, was something of which one should be ashamed. That's why I have always found it easier to listen to God as He speaks in Scripture than to talk to Him and tell Him of my needs.

I have a friend whose parents were very demanding and who communicated with him mainly to gratify their own selfish egos. He has always found it easier to pray than to study the Bible.

To the extent that my friend and I yield to our natural inclinations, we suffer a warped relation- ship with God. Real communication is a two-way street. Both parties must share themselves. Both must receive what the other offers as a gift of self-disclosure. That's what love is all about!

As I examined the pattern of my devotional life, I realized that I needed more work on Step 2. So I went back (as I expect to be doing for the rest of my life) to gain a deeper insight into the true nature of the great, loving, Father-heart of God. As I saw His love, concern, patience, and grace revealed in Jesus Christ, I was able to pray more often and more easily.

Not that it was, or is, always easy. There are still times when I approach God and feel, "I'm imposing. He's not really interested." I still, on occasion, have to fight feeling foolish and ashamed.

I do so by recalling that God Himself urges me to come to Him and pour out my needs before His throne of grace. He wants me to cast all my care on Him, because He cares for me (I Peter 5:7). Only God is totally self-sufficient. I am not God, nor am I supposed to be. I am only a human being. To be human is to be limited and needy. What I heard as a child was wrong! What God says in His Word is right!

As I pit the truth of God's Word against the distortions of my emotions (something I've had to do all through my recovery), I have been enabled more and more to really enjoy prayer. God has shown me that He really wants to meet my needs, and this has given me a new, felt sense of His love and care. As I have shared my weakness with Him, He has shared His great heart of love with me!

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 13

1) Listen to the tape Secrets of Drawing Near to God under "STEP 13" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Read Experience, Strength and Hope up to Step 14 and continue reading the book your step coach recommended to help you with Step 12. Continue to work in your workbook. Journal about what you are learning from all this and share your findings with your step coach.

2) Set aside at least 30 minutes a day for prayer, Bible study, and writing in your journal what you learned and how you are responding to this time with God.

3) Ask you step coach to check with you every week to see if you are spending time with God daily. Do not become legalistic or perfectionistic, but do try to improve both the amount and quality of your time with God. Discuss what you are learning, how you can put it into practice, and any problems you are having.

4) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

STEP 14

Having had a spiritual awakening,

we tried to carry this message to people in homosexuality

with a love that demands nothing

and to practice these steps in all our lives' activities,

as far as lies within us.

Have you noticed that the steps repeatedly call us to balance in our lives? No where is this more evident than in Step 14.

Some of us got so involved with our own recovery and with other people that we nearly forgot God. Step 14 warns us that a "spiritual awakening" must undergird all recovery work if it is to be fruitful for us and for others.

Many of us were so wrapped up in ourselves and the pursuit of our own recovery that we scarcely gave a thought to anyone else. We could hardly wait till we could put the whole, distasteful business behind us. We wanted nothing more than to get the matter over with so we could get on with our lives. While we would never have said it, our attitude was: "I don't care what happens to others with this problem as long as I get free."

Small wonder we made poor progress in our struggles. Dr. Arnold Washton and Donna Boundy, both specialists in treating addiction, write: "Preoccupation with one's self is probably the most predominant trait of the addiction-prone person." [Willpower's Not Enough, p. 69]

Bill W., co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, experienced his spiritual awakening and enjoyed about ten months of freedom from alcohol. Then came trouble! A business deal he had been counting on fell through and his partners left him in Akron's Mayflower Hotel with only about ten dollars in his pocket.

He wrote: "...I was pacing up and down the hotel lobby, wondering what I could do. The bar at one end of my beat was filling up rapidly. I could hear the familiar buzz of conversation.... I was seized with a thought: I am going to get drunk. Or no, maybe I won't get drunk; maybe I'll just go into that bar and drink some ginger ale and scrape up an acquaintance. Then I panicked. That was a real gift! I had never panicked before at the threat of alcohol. Maybe this meant that my sanity had been restored. I remembered that in trying to help other people, I had stayed sober myself. For the first time I deeply realized it. I thought, 'You need another alcoholic to talk to. You need another alcoholic just as much as he needs you!'" [Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, p. 65-66]

This realization led him to an alcoholic named Dr. Bob. As a result, Bill W. stayed sober, Dr. Bob found freedom, and together they started Alcoholics Anonymous. The rest is history.

Bill W. discovered a great secret. Recovery is something you have to give away to enjoy! We in HA have learned that there is no freedom from homosexuality without freedom from self-centeredness.

Further, those of us who have entrusted "our lives to our loving God" (Step 7) accept His ultimate goal for us as our own--conformity "to the image of His Son" (Romans 8:29). Christ "did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many" (Mark 10:45 NIV). He said His purpose in life was "not to do mine own will, but the will of Him that sent me" (John 6:38), "to seek and to save that which was lost" (Luke 19:10). Carrying the message to others in homosexuality gives us an opportunity to love them as Christ loved us. It is a wonderful part of that "good" which God brings out of all our trouble and which gives meaning to our suffering (Step 3).

Not only can carrying the message help free us from being obsessed with ourselves and enable us to grow more like Christ, it can also provide us with an excellent safeguard against self-deception. I know a person who claimed she had been delivered from homosexuality for over ten years, but, when she started trying to help others find freedom, she had a serious fall. What happened? She had simply refused to think about her homosexual struggle for ten years. When she sought to help others, she had to think about the problem. What she had only pushed out of consciousness was still there and came over her with all the old force.

Repression is not recovery; forgetting is not freedom! Regularly helping others in homosexuality find hope and help in Christ guarantees that we cannot live in that kind of denial because it forces us to face the problem of homosexuality daily as we are ministering to others. It is a tremendous reality check!

Selfishness is one extreme. Being so concerned with others that one does not take proper care of oneself is another. It is also possible to use helping others as a substitute for facing one's own problems and resolving them. That can only lead to tragic disappointment.

So, Step 14 reminds us that as we seek to help others we must also continue to "practice these steps in all our lives' activities." In doing so it echoes the Bible when it says, "Take heed unto thyself, and unto thy doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee" (I Timothy 4:16).

Lest we begin to focus too much on our own efforts to help others and practice the steps, Step 14 reminds us that we can only do so "as far as in us lies." We are still finite. We are still imperfect. We do not know everything. We do not have all power. We are limited. We have not yet arrived. We will always be dependent on God's grace and power.

Be certain that all of these threads are a permanent part of the fabric of your life. Walk daily with God. Care deeply for others. Proclaim liberty to the captives. Continue working your own program. Always remember your utter dependence on the God of all grace! That is recovery.

1. What must happen before I can help others?

Matthew 18:1-3

"In the third century, Cyprian, the Bishop of Carthage, wrote to his friend Donatus: 'It is an incredibly bad world. But I have discovered in the midst of it a quiet and holy people who have learned a great secret. They have found a joy which is a thousand times better than any of the pleasure of our sinful life. They are despised and persecuted, but they care not. They are masters of their souls. They have overcome the world. These people, Donatus, are Christians . . . and I am one of them.'" [Billy Graham, "The New Birth," Fundamentals of the Faith, p. 199-200]

"Would we know the test by which we must try ourselves?... If we have really received the Holy Ghost, we shall show it by a meek and childlike spirit. Like children, we shall think humbly of our own strength and wisdom, and be very dependent on our Father in heaven. Like children, we shall not seek great things in this world, but having food and raiment and a Father's love, we shall be content." [J. C. Ryle, Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Matthew, p. 220]

John 3:3

"...In one sentence He sweeps away all that Nicodemus stood for, and demands that he be remade by the power of God." [Leon Morris, "Commentary on the Gospel of John," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 212] "...The man who is not reborn will not even see the kingdom." [ibid., p. 214]

"The change which our Lord here declares needful....is not merely reformation, or amendment, or moral change, or outward alteration of life.... It is the calling into existence of a new creature, with a new nature, new habits of life, new tastes, new desires, new appetites, new judgments, new opinions, new hopes, and new fears." [J. C. Ryle, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels I, p. 122]

"On account of sin the whole human race lives trusting in itself. We are...born that way. Therefore, every person has to be born of the Spirit so that we will trust solely in God's grace." [S. G. De Graff, Promise and Deliverance IV, p. 27]

Galatians 6:14-16

"The expression 'the world' here represents everything in which a man would wish to 'boast,' that is...on which...he would suppose himself able to depend, as, for example, the law... It is denoted as 'world'...because it pertains to the life-context...before and outside Christ. All this has for Paul once and for all...been crucified through the cross of Christ. When Christ was crucified, all this was seen to be inadequate, as a vain ground for boasting, indeed as a power threatening man. On the other hand, Paul is able to say that he has been 'crucified to the world.' When Christ was crucified his own were also snatched away from the world as a power dominating and fascinating them." [Herman Ridderbos, Paul: An Outline of His Theology, p. 210-211]

James 1:16-18

"After having shown the true source of temptation..., he points out how incredible it is...that God should become a tempter. How can the Source of every good gift...be also a source of temptations to sin? How can the Father of lights be one who would lead away His creatures into darkness.... It was 'of His own will' that He rescued mankind from the state of death into which their rebellious wills had brought them and by a new revelation of Himself in 'the Word of truth'...brought them forth again born anew as Christians." [Alfred Plummer, "The General Epistles of St. James and St. Jude," The Expositor's Bible VI, p. 579]

I John 5:1

The new birth issues in faith that Jesus is the Christ and in love for God and His children.

"To believe that Jesus is the Christ is to acknowledge that He is the Messiah promised in the Old Testament.... The term means literally the anointed. This...awakens our attention to the associations connected with the practice of anointing with oil. We find that it was used in the appointment of the prophets, priests, and kings. Hence when applied to Jesus it....presents Him to us as the prophet, priest, and king of the church.... Is Christ the prophet of the church? Then....He is the great teacher at whose feet we sit whilst He proclaims--'He that hath ears to hear let him hear.' Is He the priest of the church? Then in His sacrifice alone can we trust, and by His intercession alone can we draw nigh to God.... Is He the king of the church? Then we submit to His authority.... We trust in Him for protection and deliverance." [James Morgan and Samuel Cox, The Epistles of John, p. 385-386]

Personal Response

2. What is an excellent way for me to help people in homosexuality?

Psalm 107:2

God does not want our suffering to be wasted. His desire is that our "scars of pain...become beauty marks that" He can use "to touch others." [Chap Clark, The Performance Illusion, p. 56]

Until now you may not have done much to help others. If that is so, now is the time to change that pattern. Pray about starting a new chapter in your area, or serving as a step coach, or starting an auxiliary reading group to supplement what is currently available for people in your area. If God has in measure or in whole delivered you, He wants you to share that with others so that He may receive the glory He deserves. He wants you to be His instrument in making things better for those who struggle than they were for you. Will you serve Him, or think only of self?

"I love your meetings for prayer, you cannot have too many of them: but we must work while we pray and pray while we work. I would rather see a man, who has been saved from the gulf below, casting forth lifelines to others struggling in the maelstrom of death, than on his knees on that rock thanking God for his own deliverance; because I believe God will accept action for others as the highest possible expression of gratitude that a saved soul can offer." [Thomas Guthrie in C. H. Spurgeon, My Sermon Notes, p. 533]

If we are disobedient here, we face this judgment: "You know the balm for the wounds of sinners, and you let them bleed to death." [C. H. Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XXXIII, (1887), p. 673]

Mark 5:19

"The glory of God, and, as our only means of glorifying Him, the salvation of human souls, is the real business of life." [C. S. Lewis, Christian Reflections, p. 14]

"We are not told to be successful, but to be obedient. It is the work of the Spirit to make men believe; we must deliver the message." [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 29]

II Corinthians 5:18

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." [George Bernard Shaw in Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, p. 680:15]

Colossians 4:5,6

"Sometimes the question is asked, 'Which is more important in witnessing, the life I live or the words I say?'... It's like asking which wing of an airplane is more important, the right or the left! Obviously both are essential and you don't have anything without both. Life and lip are inseparable in any effective witness for Christ." [Paul Little, How To Give Away Your Faith, p. 35]

II Timothy 4:2

"The testimony of the true follower of Christ might well be something like this:.... The multi- tudes that were so dear to Christ shall not be less dear to me. If I cannot prevent their moral suicide, I shall at least baptize them with my...tears.... I seek no spirituality that I must win at the cost of forgetting that men and women are lost and without hope. If in spite of all I can do they will sin against light and bring upon themselves the displeasure of a holy God, then I must not let them go their sad way unwept.... I choose a broken heart rather than any happiness that ignores the tragedy of human life and human death. Though I, through the grace of God in Christ, no longer lie under Adam's sin, I would still feel a bond of compassion for all of Adam's tragic race, and I am determined that I shall go down to the grave...mourning for the lost and the perishing." [A. W. Tozer, The Next Chapter after the Last, p. 36]

James 5:19,20

"Even if I were utterly selfish and had no care for anything but my own happiness, I would choose, if I might, under God, to be a soul-winner, for never did I know perfect, overflowing, unutterable happiness of the purest and most ennobling order, till I first heard of one who had sought and found a Savior through my means.... Beyond all controversy, it is a joy worth worlds to win souls..." [C. H. Spurgeon, The Soul-Winner, p. 231-232]

Personal Response

3. How will I know what to say?

Exodus 4:10-12

"An unwilling mind will take up with a sorry excuse.... Moses knew that God made man, but he must be reminded now that God made man's mouth.... Those whom God employs to speak for him ought to depend on Him..." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible I, p. 287-288]

"This passage does not affirm that all who are...smitten (with dumbness, deafness, or blindness) are smitten of God. Rather it means that if God wills He can affect the organs of man. There- fore if He wills He can make Moses' tongue eloquent." [Bernard Ramm, His Way Out, p. 34]

When we tell others what we used to be like, they feel less alone and less different. They feel it is safe to share their own fear and pain with us. When we tell others what God has done for us, they are given hope and are encouraged to seek His grace for themselves.

Everything is of God. We must turn to Him for help so we will know what to say. When we have shared His message of love and grace, we leave the matter with Him. While we are always ready to offer help and encouragement to others who want it, we do not try to "fix" them, for that may make things worse for them. We acknowledge that only God can save people.

Carrying the message to others helps us. As we reach out to men and women who are suffer- ing, we are reminded of our own vulnerabilities and deep need of God. As we share the 14 Steps, we come to understand them better ourselves and are thus able to apply them more effectively in our own lives. We also find people along the way who will share with us in our recovery. Lasting friendships often develop as we walk the road of freedom together.

Isaiah 50:4

Note, we must first open our ears to God before we can open our mouths for Him.

Jeremiah 1:6-8

"...Though a sense of our own weakness and insufficiency should make us go humbly about our work, yet it should not make us draw back from it when God calls us to it.... God can, when he pleases, make children prophets, and ordain strength out of the mouth of babes and sucklings." [Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible IV, p. 400-401]

Matthew 10:19

"Christ's servants must not be perplexed what to do or say in his cause, for Christ forbids us to be anxious (ordinary means of preparation are not forbidden, but anxiety only)..." [David Dickson, A Brief Exposition of the Evangel of Jesus Christ According to Matthew, p. 130]

I Peter 3:15

"...The sanctuary in which Christ is to be acknowledged as holy and worshipped is the heart." [Alan Stibbs, "The First Epistle General of Peter," The Tyndale New Testament Commentaries, p. 135] This command assumes "that Christians...have 'a hope in them;' that...a reason can be given for it...; that this hope ought not...be concealed; and that for this hope Christians...are likely to be called on to give an account;--and it calls on Christians...to give an answer to every one that asks them a reason for their hope: in others words, to state and defend the grounds of their hope; to be always prepared to do this; and finally, to do this, whenever it is done, with meekness and fear." [John Brown, Expository Discourses on the First Epistle of the Apostle Peter II, p. 331-332]

"...They are not required to be always disputing about their hope...without regard to the propri- eties of time, place, and person, but to 'be ready'...; 'ready always'...; 'ready always for an answer'...; 'ready always for an answer to every one'...; 'to every one...that asketh of you' ...; 'that asketh of you...an account of...the hope that is in you'..." [John Lillie, Lectures on the First and Second Epistles of Peter, p. 224-225]

"...Of all dangers, that of angry, arrogant and irreverent demeanor on the part of men closely, and often captiously, questioned, is the most common and subtle. Sweetness coupled with awe, remembering whose cause is defended, will commend true reasoning, and they will be in them- selves evidences calculated to impress and often to win opponents." [F. C. Cook, "The First Epistle General of Peter," The Bible Commentary X, p. 203]

"Many have...suggested that there may...be an implied allusion here to Peter's own failure when he denied the Lord. When he was unexpectedly asked by an unfamiliar person in an unusual place in a passing, superficial way he was not ready with his answer and what he did say was spoken neither with meekness nor with reverence." [Alan Stibbs, 'The First Epistle General of Peter," The Tyndale New Testament Commentaries, p. 136]

Personal Response

4. What do I need above all else if I am really to help others?

Ephesians 5:1,2

Dr. Elizabeth Moberly says, "A defensive detachment from the same-sex love-source, and conse- quent unmet needs for love, constitute the homosexual condition. Love is the basic problem, the great need, and the only solution. If we are willing to seek and mediate the healing and redeeming love of Christ, than healing for the homosexual will become a great and glorious reality." [Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 52]

Colossians 3:14,15

"...As a people endued with three great gifts of God--elect, consecrated, beloved--clothe... yourself with tender and truly human emotions of compassion, with goodness to others, humility in your own mind, gentleness, long-suffering--forbearing one another, and forgiving each his fellow-partaker in the body of Christ.... And above...all..clothe...yourselves with that love which...is the enclasping garment which holds together the various parts that make up the fair completeness of the Christian life. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts....that peace which faithful Christians should make one to another, and allow to rule in their hearts." [W. Alexander, "Colossians," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 676-677]

To say that Christian love is unconditional is not to say that it does not encourage the one loved to do what is right. It is to say that Christian love continues even when that person fails to do what is right. Christian love is encouraging rather than demanding.

This is illustrated by Paul Tournier's struggle with a friend's decision to divorce his wife. "I cannot approve of his course of action... I should be betraying my belief if I were to hide it
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from him. I know that there is always a solution other than divorce to a marital conflict, if we are really prepared to seek it under God's guidance. But I know that this disobedience is no worse than the slander, the lie, the gesture of pride of which I am guilty every day. The cir- cumstances of our lives are different, but the reality of our hearts is the same. If I were in his place, would I act any differently from him? I have no idea. At least I know that I should need friends who loved me unreservedly just as I am, with all my weaknesses, and who would trust me without judging me. If he gets his divorce, he will no doubt meet even greater difficulties than those he is in today. He will need my affection all the more, and this is the assurance I must give him." [The Person Reborn, p. 71]

I John 4:11,12

"...Psychiatrist...Harry Stack Sullivan says that 'when the happiness, security, and well-being of another person is as real or more real to you that your own, you love that person." [John Powell, Happiness Is an Inside Job, p. 57]

II John 5,6

"'First he tells us that to love is to keep the commandments; and then, that to keep the com- mandments is to love.... His constant antithesis between Law and Love is intended to teach that love must clothe itself in forms of obedience, and that obedience to law becomes perfect liberty when inspired by love. He married Love to Duty, Duty to Love, and forbids us to put asunder those who God has joined. Love, as mere passion, is very strong and urgent but often reacts into even fatal languors. Duty, as mere obedience, is very constant, severe, authoritative; but often breeds weariness and repugnance. But...Love and Duty...hand in hand...were 'made for each other,' the one coming to the other's aid just...when it is most in need of help.... Love and duty must both be ours, till we rise into that happy world in which love and duty are one." [James Morgan and Samuel Cox, The Epistles of John, p. 80-81, 83]

Personal Response

5. What else must I do to enjoy spiritual health?
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Mark 8:34-38

"The central thought in self-denial is a...sustained willingness to say 'no' to oneself in order to be able to say 'Yes' to God." [William Lane, "Commentary on the Gospel of Mark," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 296]

"The thought is simple enough, and plain to every child playing 'follow the leader', of which there is only one rule--that no follower shirks going to any place where the Leader has first gone." [Alan Cole, "The Gospel According to St. Mark," The Tyndale New Testament Com- mentaries, p. 138]

Many of us have been proud and defiant in the past. Working the 14 Steps helps develop in us humility and obedience. We learn to acknowledge our limitations and weaknesses and to let go of self-will to do the will of God.

Doing the will of God does not mean a trouble-free life. Life is often difficult, filled with problems which can lead to doubt and confusion, turmoil and pain. The presence of Christ, however, enables us to face our problems with a new set of values and a deep, inner peace. Since we no longer run from problems in fear, we are released from much suffering as we learn to "practice these steps in all our lives' activities" and thus resolve our difficulties. We seek God's help to change what can be changed, accept what cannot be changed, and to learn to tell the difference. Each problem becomes an opportunity to walk more closely with Him and to rely on His wisdom and power. Thus our difficulties become stepping-stones for emotional and spiritual growth.

Ephesians 2:10

"St. Paul was the last man in the world to undervalue human effort, or disparage good work of any sort. It is, in his view, the end aimed at in all that God bestows on His people, in all that He Himself works in them. Only let this end be sought in God's way and order. Man's doings must be the fruit and not the root of his salvation. 'Not of works,' but 'for good works' were believers chosen.... God has not raised us up to sit idly in the heavenly places lost in contem- plation, or to be the useless pensioners of grace. He sends us forth to 'walk in the works, prepared for us'..." [George Findlay, "The Epistle to the Ephesians," The Expositor's Bible VI, p. 33]

Colossians 1:9-12

"...The foundation of all Christian character and conduct is laid in the knowledge of the will of God.... He does not show Himself to us in order that we may know, but in order that, know- ing, we may do.... Knowledge is sound when it molds conduct. Action is good when it is based on knowledge.... Again, progress in knowledge is the law of the Christian life.... The progress does not consist in leaving behind old truths, but in a profounder conception of what is contained in these truths.... We are to grow in knowledge of...Christ by coming ever nearer to Him, and learning more of the infinite meaning of our earliest lesson that He is the Son of God who has died for us....

"The purpose and outcome of this full knowledge of the will of God in Christ is to 'walk worth- ily of the Lord unto all pleasing.'... 'Worthily' seems to mean in a manner corresponding to what Christ is to us and has done for us.... We say that we are not our own, but bought with a price. Then how do we repay that costly purchase?... The Christian should act in a manner corresponding to Christ's character and conduct. We profess to be His...: then we should set our watches by that dial, being conformed to His likeness, and in all our daily life trying to do as He has done, or as we believe He would do if He were in our place. Nothing less than the effort to tread in His footsteps is a walk worthy of the Lord....

"Another thought as to the nature of the life in which the knowledge of the Divine will should issue, is expressed in...--'unto all pleasing,' which sets forth the great aim as being to please Christ in everything....

"There are four participial clauses here, which...present an analysis...of the component parts of this worthy walk. In general terms it is divided into fruitfulness in work, increase in knowledge, strength for suffering, and, as the climax of all, thankfulness." [Alexander Maclaren, "The Epistles of St. Paul to the Colossians and Philemon," The Expositor's Bible VI, p. 200-202]

I Timothy 4:7,8

Timothy is urged to refuse "the fables...more fitted for old women than for ministers of the Gospel.... For the training of the body, on which so much importance was laid by the Greeks, ...has its uses, but they are comparatively unimportant." [H. Wace, "Timothy and Titus: The Pastoral Epistles," The Bible Commentary IX, p. 782] Godliness is that to which we should give our attention and bend our efforts. We must not give our addiction an inch, but continue to walk the road that leads to freedom for as long as it takes.

"Sexual addiction has been described as 'the athlete's foot of the mind.' It never goes away. It always is asking to be scratched, promising relief. To scratch, however, is to cause pain and to intensify the itch." [Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows, p. vii]

"Many Christian men and women who have struggled with homosexuality are courageously facing lives of comparative loneliness and complete chastity. They hold my deepest admiration. They have recognized their problem, committed to God their special vulnerabilities..., and are prepared to face life as they are until he should see fit to deliver them. And like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego their attitude is that whether God shall intervene to deliver them or not, they will not, by God's grace, break their vow of chastity. They will live lives of sexual abstinence. I praise God from the bottom of my heart for such soldiers of the cross." [John White, Eros Defiled, p. 130-131]

We do not merely seek avoidance of what is ungodly, but real growth into positive godliness. We know that our sins are forgiven and that God counts us righteous in Christ as we are. We are no longer driven by guilt, shame, or fear; but we are drawn by a love that longs to see as much of the image of God restored in our lives as possible. We are not anxious or impatient. We feel no need to prove anything. We are willing to walk with God along the road of recovery as long as it takes. We simply want to experience as much of what God has purposed for us and Christ has purchased for us as possible.

And we have good reason to hope. Dr. Reuben Fine, who received his Ph.D. in clinical psy- chology from the University of Southern California and was Director of the New York Center for Psychoanalytic Training, says: "I have recently had occasion to review the results of psycho- therapy with homosexuals, and been surprised by the findings. It is paradoxical that even though the politically active homosexual group denies the possibility of change, all studies from Schrenck-Notzing on have found positive effects, virtually regardless of the kind of treatment used.... Whether with hypnosis..., psychoanalysis of any variety, educative psychotherapy, behavior therapy, and/or simple educational procedures, a considerable percentage of overt homosexuals become heterosexual.... If the patients were motivated, whatever procedure is adopted a large percentage will give up their homosexuality. In this connection public information is of the greatest importance. The misinformation spread by certain circles that 'homosexuality is untreatable by psychotherapy' does incalculable harm to thousands of men and women." ["Psychoanalytic Theory," Male and Female Homosexuality: Psychological Approaches, p. 84-86]

Personal Response

6. Do I have limits?

Romans 12:3

"...Faith is a gift of God, given in different measures, according to the capacity of each man's nature and the work to which God calls him, and..., as the receptive faculty, faith regulates and measures all the powers of the spiritual man." [E. H. Gifford, "Romans," The Bible Commen- tary IX, p. 206]

"The standard of action which each Christian ought to propose to himself should be in propor- tion to the amount of faith he has been given by God." [William Sanday, "The Epistle to the Romans," Ellicott's Commentary on the Whole Bible VII, p. 252]

I Corinthians 10:12

"The devil never says 'Good-bye.'" [D. L. Moody, Notes From My Bible, p. 32]

"In this life we are never beyond the reach of temptation.... Our suppositions regarding our-selves are often untrue.... We think we stand secure when we are on the point of falling.... If determined wickedness has slain its thousands, heedlessness has slain its tens of thousands." [Marcus Dods, "The First Epistle to the Corinthians," The Expositor's Bible V, p. 679]

"When we feel ourselves beginning to dislike those who warn us against sin, and when we find ourselves measuring with minute casuistry what is the smallest distance that we can place between ourselves and some desired object of indulgence without actually sinning, then 'let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.'" [T. Teignmouth Shore, "The First Epistle to the Corinthians," Ellicott's Commentary on the Whole Bible VII, p. 324]

"All growth in grace has its root in humility." [Canon Evans, "I Corinthians," The Bible Com- mentary IX, p. 311]

I Corinthians 12:12-21

In December of 1982, Katharine Hepburn had a serious automobile accident. "She had to be hospitalized for three weeks and spent two months more recuperating at the Connecticut home of her sister Marion.... 'I'd always led a life that might be considered totally emancipated,' she says, 'but when you run into a telephone pole and can't move, you learn that it's nice to have a place to come back to--your real home, and your own dear ones.' Despite her reputation for being independent, Katharine realized she wasn't truly a loner--and that made her change the way she looked at life...and at other people. 'Wasn't I lucky to run into that telephone pole. Hitting it may have smashed my ankle, but it has opened my eyes.'" [Jeff Rovin, "Katharine Hepburn: No excuses, no remorse," Ladies Home Journal, (September 1986), p. 33]

I Corinthians 15:10

"When sinners are by divine grace turned into saints, he makes the remembrance of their former sins very serviceable, to make them humble, and diligent, and faithful.... We are nothing but what God makes us... All that is good is a stream from this fountain.... Those that have the grace of God bestowed on them should take care that it be not in vain. They should cherish, and exercise, and exert, this heavenly principle. So did Paul... And yet the more he labored... the more humble he was...and the more disposed to...magnify the favor of God towards him.... Where pride is subdued there it is reasonable to believe grace reigns." [Matthew Henry, Com- mentary on the Whole Bible VI, p. 586-587]

The 14 Steps are a lifelong program of spiritual growth intended to be practiced on a daily basis, one day at a time, at ever deepening levels. "This assertion may irk those who think of educa- tion or development as a one-shot deal. We go through twelve or sixteen or twenty years of schooling; then we're done.... Or we go to a psychiatrist for one or five or ten years, and then we're well. Actually, just as we never finish our intellectual education and our emotional devel- opment, we never complete our spiritual development either. Though we can kid ourselves that we are finished, all of these growth processes are open-ended. They continue as long as we are willing to let them. We certainly can and do arrest them, but only at the risk of dying pre- mature deaths at least spiritually and emotionally, and often physically as well; or of living long but dull and miserable lives." [The Twelve Steps for Everyone Who Really Wants Them, p. 83-84]

Personal Response

MY EXPERIENCE WORKING STEP 14

My first real experience of carrying the message came when my pastor asked me to visit a young man who had come to him for help. My pastor explained that this man had been deeply involved in the homosexual lifestyle, but, because of his faith in Christ, had come for help in getting free.

I visited him, heard his story and shared mine, answered his questions and explained the steps as best I could. I went with him to our HA meeting and sat with him in church. I encouraged him to move away from the man with whom he had been living and find a place of his own. We met several times a week and became fast friends. We helped each other work our program.

Then one night, when we were both depressed and trying to comfort each other, we had a fall. We were deeply distressed. I took full responsibility for what had happened (over my friend's protests) and took our problem to my counselor. However, our addiction had been loosed, and despite my counselor's best efforts, we continued to fall for the next three weeks. When we were able to institute strict boundaries, agreeing not to see each other except in public places, our relationship got back on a proper footing. After about three months we felt it was safe to meet together alone again. My counselor agreed but asked that I report any problems that might occur at once. That was more than six years ago, and we have not fallen with each other since.

My friend did not accept Steps 5 and 6. No matter what I said, he simply could not believe he would ever be able to change. Since he knew homosexual activity was forbidden by God, he determined to live a celibate life without seeking change. That seemed to work for a while, but then he began thinking, "I'm going to be alone for ever. I'll just get older and less attractive and soon no one will want me. I'll never have anyone." And so, after more than a year in the program, he went back into the lifestyle.

He did not tell me of his decision but was not in church on Sunday and did not show up for our time together the next week. I went to his apartment, rang the bell, and, when he answered, said, "I thought we were supposed to get together tonight." He replied, "I thought you wouldn't want to." "What made you think that?" I asked. "Haven't you heard?" he queried. "Heard what?" I asked. He seemed nervous and somehow sad as he said, "I've gone back to the life- style."

As we sat together on the porch I said, "Yes, I know, but what does that have to do with our being friends? You know I think you're making a wrong choice. I'm scared to death when I think of what might happen to you. But--win, lose, or draw--I'm your friend as long as you want me to be."

He told me he had company that night but agreed to get together the following week. Again, he did not show up. I went to his apartment, the light was on, but no one answered the bell. I telephoned--but no answer. This continued for several weeks. Finally I decided to write a note summarizing what had happened and telling him I could only conclude that he wanted to put our friendship on hold, at least for the present. I wanted to respect his wishes and therefore would not be coming by or calling. I did not, however, want him to think I was angry with him and so was explaining my decision in the note. If, at any time, he wanted to renew our friend- ship, he had only to call and I would get together with him as quickly as possible.

I went to his apartment to drop the note in his mail box. The light was on so I rang the bell once more. He answered and I asked him to read my note. He assured me that he did not want to end our friendship and we began meeting together again regularly.

Had this man tried to pull me back into homosexual activity, it might not have been possible for us to continue meeting together. But he was a friend, not a seducer, so our friendship continued unabated. I prayed for him a great deal, trying not to force the issue. I did, however, look for opportunities to share whenever he seemed open. At times he asked questions and I worked hard to find answers.

After several months, he slipped into the back of our church one Sunday, unnoticed. At the end of the service he went forward and confessed to the church that he had been back in the lifestyle, sinning. He said he had asked God to forgive him and had now come to ask if the church would forgive him. When the service ended, he was surrounded by some fifty laughing, weeping people, welcoming him home. I was one of them and was filled with joy!

Today my friend is not engaging in homosexual activity and is seeking to walk with God. Yet his story is tinged with sadness, for he is now HIV positive. The thought that I may one day lose him has increased my sense of the urgency of carrying the message while living the life. For some, it is literally a matter of life or death!

HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP 14

1) Listen to the tape Out of Self-Centeredness under "STEP 14" and How To Deal With Masturbation under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Finish reading Experience, Strength and Hope and the books recommended by your step coach. Read the brochure Finding Good Counseling and the Homosexuals Anonymous Policy and Advisory Manual under "FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY" on the "HA Book Ministry" list. Continue to journal and share your responses with your step coach.

2) Discuss with your step coach why it is you think you have had a spiritual awakening.

3) In your journal, make a list of things you might do to help carry the message of freedom in Christ to others. Examples might be providing refreshments, setting up a chapter library, planning recreational activities for the chapter, serving as a step coach, leading step discussions, setting up an auxiliary reading group, or starting a new chapter in your area. Discuss these possibilities with your step coach and take on at least one of these responsibilities for which you and your coach think you are best fitted.

4) Make a list of people you know who are in the lifestyle to whom you might carry the message. Pray for each regularly. Journal answers to questions you think they might have. Share this with your step coach.

5) Choose one person from your list with whom you will share the message. Discuss how you plan to approach them with your step coach asking for suggestions. After you try to share the message with them, discuss your experience with your step coach. Determine together whether you should continue working with that person or move on to another name on your list.

6) Ask your step coach for suggestions on how you can continue to work the steps. Work out a definite plan with him or her and begin following it under his or her guidance. Discuss whether or not you should consider professional counseling at this time. List pros and cons and come up with a definite plan for your continuing recovery.

7) Memorize one of the verses you found helpful in this chapter.

--John J., Reading, PA

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Davidson, Alex, The Returns of Love, [Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1970]

Davis, John Jefferson, Evangelical Ethics: Issues Facing the Church Today, (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Company, 1985)

De Graff, S. G., Promise and Deliverance [4 volumes], (Ontario: Paideia Press, Ltd., 1981)

De Jong, Alexander, Alcoholism and Codependency, (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1991)

Denney, James, The Christian Doctrine of Reconciliation, (London: Hodder & Stoughton, 1918)

-----, The Death of Christ, (Minneapolis: Klock & Klock Christian Publishers, Inc., 1902)

Dickson, David, A Brief Exposition of the Evangel of Jesus Christ According to Matthew, (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1647)

Dictionary of the Bible edited by James Hastings, revised edition by Frederick C. Grant and H. H. Rowley, (New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1963)

Dixon, Arthur, To Trust Again: Healing Wounded Love, (Sisters, OR: Questar Publishers, Inc., 1990)

Dobson, James, Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Families in Crisis, (Waco, TX: Word Books, 1983)

Dortzback, Karl and Debbie, Kidnapped, (New York: Harper & Row, Publishers, 1975)

Drummond, Henry, The Greatest Thing in the World and Other Addresses, (New York: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1891)

Earle, Ralph and Gregory Crow with Kevin Osborn, Lonely All the Time: Recognizing, Under-standing, and Overcoming Sex Addiction, for Addicts and Co-Dependents, (New York: Pocket Books, 1989)

Earll, Bob, I Got Tired of Pretending: How an Adult Raised in an Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Family Finds Freedom, (Tucson, AZ: STEM Publications, 1989)

Eaton, Michael A., "Ecclesiastes: An Introduction and Commentary," Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1983)

Ebert, Alan, The Homosexuals, (New York: Macmillan, Inc., 1977)

Edwards, Judson, What They Never Told Us About How To Get Along With Each Other, (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 1991)

Eerdman's Handbook to Christian Belief edited by Robin Keeley, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1982)

Ellicott's Commentary on the Whole Bible [8 volumes] edited by Charles John Ellicott, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, n.d.]

Ellis, Albert, Homosexuality: Its Causes and Cure, (New York: Lyle Stuart, Inc., 1965)

Emotions Anonymous, (St. Paul, MN: Emotions Anonymous International, 1978)

Evangelical Commentary on the Bible edited by Walter A. Elwell, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1985)

Evangelical Dictionary of Theology edited by Walter A. Elwell, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1984)

The Evidence of God in an Expanding Universe: Forty American Scientists Declare Their Affirmative Views on Religion edited by John C. Monsma, (New York: G. P. Putnam's Sons, 1958)

The Expositor's Bible [6 volumes] edited by W. Robertson Nicholl, (Hartford, CT: The S. S. Scranton Company, 1915)

The Expositor's Dictionary of Texts [2 volumes] edited by W. Robertson Nicholl, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1910)

Faussett, A. R., Bible Cyclopedia, (Hartford, CT: The S. S. Scranton Company, 1902)

Fee, Gordon, "The First Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1987)

Ferguson, Sinclair B. A Heart For God, (Colarado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1985)

Foh, Susan T., Women and the Word of God, (Nutley, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publish- ing Company, 1972)

Ford, Betty with Chris Chase, Betty: A Glad Awakening, (Garden City, NY: Doubleday & Company, Inc., 1987)

Freedman, David Noel and James D. Smart, God Has Spoken: An Introduction to the Old Testament for Young People, (Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1949)

Friesen, Garry with J. Robin Maxson, Decision Making and the Will of God, (Portland, OR: Multnomah Press, 1980)

Fundamentals of the Faith edited by Carl F. H. Henry, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1969)

Gaebelein, Frank E., Exploring the Bible, (New York: Harper & Brothers, 1929)

Gathered Gold: A Treasury of Quotations for Christians compiled by John Blanchard, (Hert- fordshire, England: Evangelical Press, 1984)

Geldenhuys, Norval, "Commentary on the Gospel of Luke," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1951)

Gems From Bishop Taylor Smith's Bible compiled by Percy O. Ruoff, (London: Marshall, Morgan & Scott, Ltd., n.d.)

George MacDonald: 365 Readings edited by C. S. Lewis, (New York: Macmillan Publishing Company, 1947)

Gibran, Kahil, Sand and Foam, (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1967)

Gibson, Dennis L., The Strong-Willed Adult, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1987)

Gil, Eliana, Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and about Adults Abused as Children, (New York: Dell Publishing, 1983)

Glasser, William, Reality Therapy, (New York: Harper & Row, 1965)

The Golden Treasury of Puritan Quotations compiled by I. D. E. Thomas, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1975)

Good Advice compiled by Leonard Safir and William Safire, (New York: Times Books, 1982)

Goodman, George, I Live Yet Not I, (London: Pickering and Inglis, n.d.)

Gordon, Suzanne, Lonely in America, (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1976)

Gouge, William, Commentary on Hebrews, (Grand Rapids: Kregel Publications, 1980)

Gray and Adams Bible Commentary [8 volumes] edited by James C. Gray and George M. Adams, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, n.d.)

Great Texts of the Bible [21 volumes] edited by James Hastings, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, n.d.)

Hall, Richard and Eugene P. Beitler, How To Read the Bible, (Philadelphia: Lippencott & Crowell, Publishers, 1957)

Hart, Archibald D., Healing Adult Children of Divorce: Taking Care of Unfinished Business So You Can Be Whole Again, (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Publications, 1991)

Harvey, John, The Homosexual Person: New Thinking in Pastoral Care, (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1987)

Hastings, Robert J., A Word Fitly Spoken, (Nashville: Broadman Press, 1962)

Haverkos, Harry W. and Robert Edelman, "The Epidemiology of Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome Among Heterosexuals," The Journal of the American Medical Association, (October 7, 1988)

Havner, Vance, Day By Day, (Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1953)

-----, Pepper 'N Salt, (Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1956)

-----, Seasonings, (Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1970)

Hefley, James C., A Dictionary of Illustrations, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1971)

Hendriksen, William, "An Exposition of Paul's Epistle to the Romans," New Testament Commentary [2 volumes], (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1980)

Henry, Matthew, Commentary on the Whole Bible [6 volumes], (New York: Fleming H. Revell Company, n.d.)

Henslin, Earl R., The Way Out of the Wilderness, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1991)

Hodge, Charles, Commentary on the Epistle to the Romans, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1886)

-----, Commentary on the Second Epistle to the Corinthians, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, n.d.)

-----, Systematic Theology [3 volumes], (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, n.d.)

Holmes, Urban T., The Sexual Person, (New York: The Seabury Press, 1970)

Hornsby, Sarah, Who I Am in Jesus, (Essex, England: Marshall Pickering, 1986)

Houston, James M., I Believe in the Creator, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1980)

Howe, Bishop John W., Sex: Should We Change the Rules? Let Us Argue It Out, (Lake Mary, FL: Creation House, 1991]

Hughes, Philip Edgcumbe, A Commentary on the Epistle to the Hebrews, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1977)

-----, "Paul's Second Epistle to the Corinthians," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1962)

Humes, James C., Speaker's Treasury of Anecdotes About the Famous, (New York: Harper & Brothers, 1978)

Hunter, A. M., "Romans," Torch Bible Commentaries, (London: SCM Press Ltd., 1955)

Hurst, Ed, Homosexuality: Laying the Axe to the Roots edited by Robbi Kenney, (Minneapolis, MN: Outpost 1984)

----- with Dave and Neta Jackson, Overcoming Homosexuality, (Elgin, IL: David C. Cook Publishing Company, 1987)

Huxley, Aldous, Ends and Means, (London: Chatto and Windus, 1965)

Inrig, Gary, Quality Friendships: The Risks and Rewards, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1981)

Inspiring Quotations Contemporary & Classical compiled by Albert M. Wells, Jr., (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1988)

Johnson, Dave, The Success Principle, (Irvine, CA: Harvest House Publishers, 1976)

Jones, J. D., The Gospel According to St. Mark [4 volumes], (London: The Religious Tract Society, n.d.]

Jowett, John Henry, My Daily Meditation, (Nashville: Broadman Press, 1914)

Jung, Carl G., The Undiscovered Self, (Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 1958)

Karlen, Arno, Sexuality and Homosexuality: A New View, (New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 1971)

Katz, Ephriam, The Film Encyclopedia, (New York: The Putnam Publishing Group, 1979)

Kennedy, Gerald, A Second Reader's Notebook, (New York: Harper & Brothers, 1959)

Kevan, Ernest F., The Grace of Law: A Study of Puritan Theology, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1964)

Kidner, Derek, "Proverbs," The Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, (London: The Tyndale Press, 1964)

-----, "Psalms," The Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries [2 volumes], (London: InterVarsity Press, 1973)

King, Guy, Joy Way, (Fort Washington, PA: Christian Literature Crusade, 1952)

Kirkpatrick, A. F., The Book of Psalms, (Cambridge: At the University Press, 1902)

Kistemaker, Simon, "James and I-III John," New Testament Commentary, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1986)

Kline, Meredity G., Treaty of the Great King: The Covenant Structure of Deuteronomy, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1963)

Knechtle, Cliffe, Give Me An Answer, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1986)

Knight, Walter B., Knight's Master Book of New Illustrations, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1956)

Kohn, Harold E., Pathways to Understanding, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1958)

Konrad, J. A., You Don't Have To Be Gay, (Newport Beach, CA: Pacfic Publishing House, 1987)

Kreeft, Peter, Making Sense Out of Suffering, (Ann Arbor: Servant Books, 1986)

Kronmeyer, Robert, Overcomeing Homosexuality, (New York: Macmillan Publishing Company, Inc., 1980)

Laaser, Mark R., The Secret Sin: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1992)

Lane, William, "Commentary on the Gospel of Mark," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1974)

Larson, Bruce, Living Beyond Our Fears: Discovering Life When You're Scared to Death, (San Francisco: Harper & Row Publishers, 1990)

Law, Robert, The Tests of Life, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1914)

The Layman's Bible Commentary [25 volumes] edited by Balmer H. Kelly, (Richmond, VA: John Knox Press, 1959)

Leadership: A Treasury of Great Quotations For Everybody Who Aspires To Succeed As a Leader compiled and edited by William Safire and Leonard Safir, (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990)

Lenski, R. C. H., The Interpretation of St. Mark's Gospel, (Minneapolis: Augsburg Publishing House, 1946)

Lenten Sermons edited by Frederick J. North, (Garden City, NY: Doubleday, Doran & Company, Inc., 1928)

Lewis, C. S., The Allegory of Love, (London: Oxford University Press, 1938)

-----, Christian Reflections edited by Walter Hooper, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1967)

-----, The Four Loves, (San Diego, CA: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Publishers, 1960)

-----, Letters of C. S. Lewis edited by Walter Hooper, (New York: Harcourt, Brace and World, 1966)

-----, Letters of C. S. Lewis/Don Giovanni Calabria translated and edited by Martin Moynihan, (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Books, 1988)

-----, The Letters of C. S. Lewis to Arthur Greeves (1914-1963) edited by Walter Hooper, (New York: Collier/Macmillan, 1986)

-----, Mere Christianity, (Westwood, NJ: Barbour and Company, Inc., 1952)

-----, The Problem of Pain, (New York: Macmillan Publishing Company, Inc., 1962)

-----, Reflections on the Psalms, (New York: Harcourt, Brace and Company, 1958)

-----, Selected Literary Essays edited by Walter Hooper, (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1979)

-----, The World's Last Night and Other Essays, (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Publishers, 1960)

Lieberman, Gerald F., 3,500 Good Quotes for Speakers, (Garden City, NY: Doubleday & Company, Inc., 1983)

Lightfoot, J. B., Notes on the Epistles of St. Paul from Unpublished Commentaries, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1895)

Lillie, John, Lectures on the First and Second Epistles of Peter, (Minneapolis: Klock & Klock Christian Publishers, 1869)

Linamen, Karen Schalf and Keith A. Wall, Deadly Secrets, (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1990)

Lindquist, Marie, Holding Back: Why We Hide the Truth About Ourselves, (New York: Harper/Hazelden, 1987)

Little, Paul, How to Give Away Your Faith, (Chicago: InterVarsity Press, 1961)

Lloyd-Jones, D. Martyn, The Cross, (Westchester, IL: Crossway Books, 1986)

-----, Darkness and Light, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1982)

-----, The Sermon on the Mount [2 volumes], (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1960)

-----, Spiritual Depression, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1965)

Loane, Macrus L., Godliness and Contentment: Studies in the Pastoral Epistles, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1982)

London, Louis S. and Frank S. Caprio, Sexual Deviations: A Psychodynamic Approach, (Washington, D.C.: The Linacre Press, Inc., 1950)

Lottman, Herbert R., Albert Camus: A Biography, (Garden City, NY: Doubleday & Company, Inc., 1979)

Lovelace, Richard, "An Uncomfortable Issue," Charisma, (March 1985)

Luther, Martin, A Commentary on St. Paul's Epistle to the Galatians, (London: James Clarke & Co., Ltd., 1575)

-----, Luther's Works edited by Jaroslav Pelikan and Walter A. Mansen, [55 volumes], (St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1955-1967)

Luthi, Walter, The Letter to the Romans, (Richmond: John Knox Press, 1961)

Lutzer, Erwin W., Coming to Grips with Homosexuality, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1991)

-----, How To Say No To a Stubborn Habit, (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1979)

-----, When a Good Man Falls, (Wheaton IL: Victor Books, 1986)

MacArthur, John F., Jr., Liberated for Life: Galatians, (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1975)

Macartney, Clarence Edward, Great Interviews of Jesus, (New York: Abingdon-Cokesbury Press, 1944)

-----,The Lord's Prayer, (New York: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1942)

Machen, J. Gresham, The Christian View of Man, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1937)

Maclaren, Alexander, Expositions of Holy Scripture [17 volumes], (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, n.d.)

MacLennan, David A., A Preacher's Primer, (New York: Oxford University Press, 1950)

MacPherson, Ian, Sermon Outlines From Sermon Masters: Old Testament, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1966)

Madow, Leo, Anger, (New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1972)

Maier, Walter A., The Radio for Christ, (St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1939)

Male and Female: Christian Approaches to Sexuality edited by Ruth Tiffany Barnhouse and Urban T. Holmes III, (New York: The Seabury Press, 1976)

Male and Female Homosexuality: Psychological Approaches edited by Louis Diament, (Washington, D.C.: Hemisphere Publishing Corporation, 1987)

Marotta, Toby, The Politics of Homosexuality, (Boston: Houghton, Mifflin Company, 1981)

May, Gerald G., Addiction and Grace, (San Francisco: Harper & Row, Publishers, 1988)

McCheyne, R. M., Memoir and Remains edited by Andrew Bonar, (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1892)

McGee, Robert S., The Search for Significance, second edition, (Houston, TX: Rapha Publishing, 1990)

-----, Pat Springle and Jim Craddock, Your Parents and You, (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1990)

Mears, Henrietta, Thoughts For All Seasons, (Glendale, CA: Regal Books, 1973)

Merleau-Ponty, M., Phenomenology of Perception translated by Colin Smith, (London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1962)

Merton, Thomas, Thoughts in Solitude, (New York: Image Books, 1958)

Miller, J. Keith, A Hunger for Healing: The Twelve Steps as a Classic Model for Christian Spiritual Growth, (San Francisco: HarperCollins Publishers, 1991)

Miller, Stuart, Men and Friendship, (Los Angeles, Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc., 1983)

Moberly, Elizabeth, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, (London: James Clarke & Co., Ltd., 1983)

Moo, Doug, "Putting the Renewed Mind to Work," Renewing Your Mind in a Secular World edited by John D. Woodbridge, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1985)

Moody, Dwight L., Notes From My Bible, (New York: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1899)

-----, Select Sermons, (Chicago: Colportage Association, n.d.)

-----, Thoughts From My Library, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, n.d.)

Morgan, James and Samuel Cox, The Epistles of John, (Minneapolis: Klock & Klock Christian Publishers, Inc., 1865)

Morris, Leon, "Commentary on the Gospel of John," The New International Commentary on the New Testament, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1971)

-----, The Cross in the New Testament, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1965)

-----, Expository Reflections on the Gospel of John, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1988)

-----, The Epistle to the Romans, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1988)

Morris, Paul D., The Shadow of Sodom, (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1978)

Mouw, Richard, "The Life of Bondage in the Light of Grace: An Interview," Christianity Today, (December 9, 1988)

Murphy, Belva, At Home With the Murphys, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1959)

Murray, Andrew, With Christ in the School of Prayer, (Westwood, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1953)

Murray, John, Collected Writings [4 volumes], (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1976)

-----, "The Epistle to the Romans," The New International Commentary on the New Testament [2 volumes], (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1959)

-----, Principles of Conduct, (London: The Tyndale Press, 1957)

-----, Redemption: Accomplished and Applied, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1955)

Nee Watchman, The Normal Christian Life, (Fort Washington, PA: Christian Literature Crusade, 1961)

The New Bible Dictionary second edition, (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1982)

Newman, Mildred, Bernard Berkowitz, and Jean Owen, How To Be Your Own Best Friend, (New York: Lark Publishing Company, 1971)

Nicolosi, Joseph, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality: A New Clinical Approach, (Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, Inc., 1991)

Owen, John, Sin and Temptation abridged and edited by James M. Houston, (Portland, OR: Multnomah Press, 1983)

The Oxford Book of Aphorisms chosen by John Gross, (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1983)

The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations [2nd edition], (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1955)

Packer, J. I., God's Words: Studies of Key Bible Themes, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1981)

-----, "The New Man," Understanding Bible Teaching, (London: Scripture Union, 1974)

Pascal, Blaise, Pensees translated by W. F. Trotter, (New York: E. P. Dutton & Company, Inc., 1908)

Payne, Leanne, The Broken Image: Restoring Personal Wholeness Through Healing Prayer, (Westchester, IL: Crossway Books, 1981)

-----, Crisis in Masculinity, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 1985)

-----, The Healing of the Homosexual, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 1984)

Peck, M. Scott, The Road Less Traveled, (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978)

Peele, Stanton with Archie Brodsky, Love and Addiction, (New York: New American Library, 1976)

Perowne, E. H., "The Epistle to the Galatians," The Cambridge Bible for Schools and Colleges, (Cambridge: At the University Press, 1894)

Peter, Laurence J., Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time, (New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1977)

Pink, Arthur W., The Sermon on the Mount, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1950)

Plummer, Alfred, An Exegetical Commentary on the Gospel of Matthew, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, n.d.)

-----, "The Gospel According to S. Luke," The International Critical Commentary, (Edinburgh: T & T Clark, 1922)

The Portable Curmudgeon compiled and edited by Jon Winokur, (New York: New American Library, 1987)

Powell, John, Happiness Is an Inside Job, (Valencia, CA: Tabor Publishing, 1989)

----- and Loretta Brady, Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?, (Allen, TX: Argus Commun- ications, 1985)

Psalms and Hymns Adapted To Social, Private, and Public Worship in the Presbyterian Church in the United States of America, (Philadelphia: Presbyterian Board of Publication, 1843)

Pusey, E. B., The Minor Prophets: A Commentary Explanatory and Practical, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1860)

Ramm, Bernard, His Way Out: A Fresh Look at Exodus, (Glendale, CA: Regal Books, 1974)

Rechy, John, City of Night, (New York: Grove Press, 1963)

Reith, George, The Gospel According to St. John, with Introduction and Notes, (Edinburgh: T. & T. Clark, 1889) [2 volumes]

Rekers, George, Growing Up Straight, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1982)

Richards, R. Scott, Myths the World Taught Me, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1991)

Ridderbos, H. N., The Coming of the Kingdom translated by H. de Jongste, edited by Raymond O. Zorn, (Philadelphia: The Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Company, 1962)

-----, "Matthew," Bible Student's Commentary translated by Ray Togtman, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1987)

-----, Paul: An Outline of His Theology translated by John De Witt, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1975)

Rinzema, J., The Sexual Revolution translated by Lewis Smedes, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1974)

Rosell, Merv, Driftwood, (St Paul, MN: Northland Publishing House, 1947)

Rosellini, Gayle and Mark Worden, Of Course You're Angry, (San Francisco: Harper/Hazelden, 1985)

Rovin, Jeff, "Katherine Hepburn, No excuses, no remorse," Ladies Home Journal, (September 1986)

Rubin, Lillian R., Just Friends: The Role of Friendship in Our Lives, (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1985)

Ryle, J. C., Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Matthew, (London: James Clarke & Co., Ltd., n.d.)

-----, Expository Thoughts on the Gospel of Mark, (London: James Clarke & Co., Ltd., n.d.)

-----, "Luke," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, n.d.)

-----, "John," Expository Thoughts on the Gospels [2 volumes] (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, n.d.)

-----, Holiness, (London: James Clarke & Co., Ltd., n.d.)

Sagarin, Edward, Odd Man In: Societies of Deviants in America, (Chicago: Quadrangle Books, 1969)

Saia, Michael R., Counseling the Homosexual, (Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1988)

Samms, Robert L. How To Study the Bible, Part I, (Elgin, IL: David C. Cook Publishing Company, 1987)

Sande, Ken, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1991)

Sangster, W. E., They Met At Calvary: Were You There...?, (New York: Abingdon Press, 1956)

Sauer, Erich, The Triumph of the Crucified, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1951)

Schaffer, Francis A., Death in the City, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1969)

Schaff, Anne Wilson, Escape From Intimacy: Untangling the "Love" Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships, (San Francisco: Harper & Row, Publishers, 1989)

Scroggie, W. Graham, The Acts of the Apostles, (New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers, n.d.)

-----, The Gospel of Mark, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1976)

-----, The Psalms [4 volumes], (Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1948)

Seamands, David A., Freedom from the Performance Trap: Letting Go of the Need to Achieve, (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1988)

-----, Healing for Damaged Emotions, (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1981)

-----, Healing of Memories, (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1989)

Sermons to Intellectuals From Three Continents edited by Franklin H. Littell, (New York: The Macmillan Company, 1963)

Sexaholics Anonymous, (Simi Valley, CA: SA Literature, 1985)

Shilts, Randy, And the Band Played On: Politics, People and the AIDS Epidemic, (New York: St. Martin's Press, 1987)

Sider, Robert J., Completely Pro-Life, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1987)

Simcox, Carroll E., They Met At Philippi, (New York: Oxford University Press, 1958)

Small, Dwight H., Christian: Celebrate Your Sexuality, (Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1974)

Smedes, Lewis B., Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, (New York: Pocket Books, 1984)

-----, Love Within Limits: Realizing Selfless Love in a Selfish World, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1978)

Smith, David W., Men Without Friends: A Guide to Developing Lasting and Meaningful Friendships, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1990)

Socarides, Charles W., Homosexuality, (New York: Jason Aronson, 1978)

The Sociology of Sex edited by J. M. Henslin and Edward Sagarin, (New York: Schocken Books, 1978)

Sproul, R. C., Knowing Scripture, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1977)

Spurgeon, Charles H., The Gospel of the Kingdom, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1893)

-----, My Sermon Notes, (Westwood, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, n.d.)

-----, New Park Street Pulpit [6 volumes], (London: Passmore and Alabaster, 1855-1860)

-----, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit [57 volumes] (London: Passmore and Alabaster, 1861- 1917)

-----, The Soul-Winner, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, n.d.)

-----, The Treasury of David [7 volumes], (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, n.d.)

Stewart, James S., Heralds of God, (New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1946)

-----, King Forever, (New York: Abingdon Press, 1975)

-----, The Strong Name, (New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1941)

Stibbs, Alan, "The First Epistle General of Peter," The Tyndale New Testament Commentaries, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1959)

Stirling, Nora, Who Wrote the Classics? II, (New York: The John Day Company, 1968)

Stoop, David, Hope for the Perfectionist, (Nashville: Oliver Nelson, 1987)

Stott, John R. W., Decisive Issues Facing Christians Today, (Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1984)

-----, "The Epistles of John," Tyndale Bible Commentaries, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1964)

-----, God's New Society: The Message of Ephesians, (Downers Grove, IL: InverVarsity Press, 1979)

-----, Guard the Gospel: The Message of 2 Timothy, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1973)

Strachan, James, Hebrew Ideals in Genesis, (Grand Rapids: Kregel Publications, 1902-1905)

Strom, Mark, The Symphony of Scripture: Making Sense of the Bible's Many Themes, (Downers Grove, IL: InverVarsity Press, 1990)

Strong, Augustus H., Systematic Theology, (Westwood, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1906)

Strong, John Henry, A Man Can Know God, (Philadelphia: The Judson Press, 1949)

Taylor, John Randolph, God Loves Like That!, (Richmond: John Knox Press, 1962)

Taylor, Mark Lloyd and Carmen Renee Berry, Loving Yourself as Your Neighbor (San Francisco: Harper and Row Publishers, 1990)

Thielieke, Helmut, The Ethics of Sex, (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1964)

Thornwell, James Henley, Collected Writings [2 volumes] (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1886)

Thurman, Christ, The Lies We Believe: The #1 Cause of Our Unhappiness, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1989)

Timmons, Tim, Anyone Anonymous, (Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1990)

To Be a Friend edited by Edward Lewis and Robert Myers, (Kansas City, MO: Hallmark Editions, 1967)

Today: The Family Altar, (Palos Heights, IL: The Back to God Hour of the Christian Reformed Church)

Torrey, R. A., How To Work For Christ, (Westwood, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, n.d.)

-----, What the Bible Teaches, (New York: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1898)

Tournier, Paul, Escape From Loneliness, (Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1962)

-----, The Person Reborn translated by Edwin Hudson, (New York: Harper & Row, 1966)

Tozer, A. W., Born After Midnight, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1959)

-----, The Divine Conquest, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1950)

-----, The Knowledge of the Holy, (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1964)

-----, The Next Chapter After the Last, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1987)

-----, Of God and Men, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1960)

-----, The Root of the Righteous, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1955)

-----, The Set of the Sail, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1986)

-----, That Incredible Christian, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1964)

Trapp, John, A Commentary or Exposition upon All the Books of the New Testament, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1647)

The Treasure of Friendship edited by Peter Seymour, (Kansas City, MO: Hallmark Editions, 1968)

A Treasury of A. W. Tozer: A Collection of Tozer Favorites, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1980)

A Treasury of Business Quotations compiled by Michael C. Thomsett, (New York: Ballantine Books, 1990)

Trobisch, Walter, Love Is a Feeling To Be Learned, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1971)

Truett, George W., A Quest for Souls, (New York: Harper & Brothers, Publishers, 1917)

The Twelve Steps for Everyone Who Really Wants Them, (Minneapolis: CompCare Publishers, 1975)

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, (New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 1952)

Twerski, Abraham J., Waking Up Just In Time, (New York: Topper Books, 1990)

-----, When Do the Good Things Start?, (New York: Topper Books, 1988)

van den Aardweg, Gerard, Homosexuality and Hope: A Psychologist Talks About Treatment and Change, (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Books, 1985)

-----, On the Origins and Treatment of Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Reinterpretation, (New York: Praeger Publishers, 1986)

von Rad, Gerhard, Genesis: A Commentary translated by J. H. Marks, (Philadelphia: The West- minster Press, 1961)

-----, Old Testament Theology [2 volumes] translated by D. M. G. Stalker, (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1962)

Voss, Carl Hermann, Quotations of Courage and Vision, (New York: Association Press, 1972)

W., Claire, God Help Me Stop, (San Diego, CA: Books West, 1982)

Walters, Richard, Escape the Trap: Help for Perfectionists and Those Who Live with Them, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1989)

Wardlaw, Ralph, Lectures on the Book of Proverbs [3 volumes], (Minneapolis: Klock & Klock Christian Publishers, 1861)

Warfield, Benjamin B., Biblical Doctrines, (New York: Oxford University Press, 1929)

-----, Faith and Life, (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1916)

-----Perfectionism [2 volumes], (New York: Oxford University Press, 1932)

Washton, Arnold and Donna Boundy, Willpower's Not Enough: Recovering from Addictions of Every Kind, (New York: HarperPerennial, 1989)

Watson, Lillian Eichler, Light From Many Lamps, (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1951)

Watson, Thomas, A Body of Divinity, (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1692)

-----, A Divine Cordial, (Grand Rapids: Sovereign Grace Publishers, n.d.)

-----, The Lord's Prayer, (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1692)

-----, Sermons, (Ligonier, PA: Soli Deo Gloria Publications 1657)

-----, The Ten Commandments, (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1692)

Weatherhead, Leslie, Jesus and Ourselves, (London: The Epworth Press, 1930)

Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary second edition, (New York: Dorset & Baber, 1983)

Wenham, John W., The Goodness of God, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1974)

What You Should Know About Homosexuality edited by Charles W. Keysor, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1973)

White, Jerry and Mary, Friends and Friendship: The Secrets of Drawing Closer, (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1982)

White, John, Eros Defiled: The Christian and Sexual Sin, (Downers Grove, IL: Inter-Varsity Press, 1977)

White, Margaret, AIDS & the Positive Alternatives, (Hants, JK: Marshall, Pickering, 1987)

Whitecross, John, The Shorter Catechism Illustrated, (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, n.d.)

Whitfield, Charles L., Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1987)

Wiersbe, Warren W., Be Rich, (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1976)

-----, The Bible Exposition Commentary [2 volumes], (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1989)

-----, With the Word: A Devotional Commentary, (Nashville: Oliver Nelson, 1991)

Wilder, Thornton, The Bridge of San Luis Rey, (New York: Albert & Charles Boni, Inc., 1928)

Williams, Donald, The Bond That Breaks: Will Homosexuality Split the Church?, (Los Angeles: BIM, 1978)

Williams, Robert A., Journey Through Grief, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1991)

Willis II, Stanley E., Understanding and Counseling the Male Homosexual, (Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 1967)

Wilson, Earl, Counseling and Homosexuality, (Waco, TX: Word Books, 1988)

-----, Sexual Sanity: Breaking Free From Uncontrolled Habits, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1984)

Winslow, Octavius, No Condemnation in Christ Jesus, (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1853)

-----The Sympathy of Christ, (Keyser, WV: Odom Publications, 1862)

The Wisdom of the Saints: An Anthology compiled by Jill Haak Adels, (New York: Oxford University Press, 1987)

Wortitz, Janet G., Struggle For Intimacy, (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1985)

The World Treasury of Religious Quotations compiled and edited by Ralph L. Woods, (New York: Garland Books, 1966)

Wright, Elliott, Holy Company, (New York: Macmillan Publishing Company, 1980)

Wuest, Kenneth, The Gospels: An Expanded Translation, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1956)

Yancey, Philip, Disappointment with God, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1988)

Yinger, J. Milton, Religion in the Struggle for Power, (Durham, NC: Duke University Press, 1946)

You Can Say That Again: An Anthology of Words Fitly Spoken compiled and edited by R. E. O. White, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1991)

Zoos, Christ, Think Like a Shrink, (New York: Warner Books, Inc., 1992)

SCRIPTURE INDEX

Genesis

1:1-3:24........................................ 172

1:1-2:25.......................................... 11

1:1-31. 306

1:26-28......................................... 115

1:26,27........................................... 97

1:26.... 131

1:27.... 9, 115

2:1-25. 125

2:16,17......................................... 121

2:18-25......................................... 115

2:18.... 117, 169

2:20.... 117

2:21-23........................................... 10

2:21,22......................................... 117

2:23.... 118

2:24.... 9, 10, 97, 118

3:1-24. 79, 131

3:1-5... 122

3:4,5... 78

3:6-8... 122

3:12.... 122

3:14,15........................................... 80

3:16.... 115

3:17-19........................................... 57

4:1-26. 78

5:1-3... 123

18:14.. 134

22:1,2. 163

39:7-12......................................... 248

50:20.. 63

Exodus

4:10-12......................................... 317

21:29,30......................................... 45

33:20.. 36

Leviticus

18:22-24......................................... 11

18:22,23......................................... 97

20:1-27......................................... 126

20:13.. 125, 270

Numbers

5:5-8... 219

13:30.. 132

13:31.. 132

14:9.... 132

14:26-30 69

Deuteronomy

1:21 242

1:28 187

1:29,30 187

6:4 113

6:24 13

8:2 163

10:12,13 13

17:14-17 270

24:1-4 118

31:6 242

31:7,8 160

Joshua

1:8 1

1:9 160

7:19,20 204

I Samuel

3:10 304

17:47 242

20:12-15 270

20:42 270

30:6 160

II Samuel

1:25-27 270

4:4 270

11:1-12:14 270

12:13 205

I Chronicles

3:1-9 270

16:11 295

29:11,12 59

II Chronicles

20:7 287

20:20 151

32:6-8 161

32:7,8 259

Job

1:6-11. 78

2:1-7... 78

14:1.... 58

14:4.... 206

38:15.. 78

Psalms

1:1-3... 19

9:9,10. 73

12:3,4. 183

13:1-6. 73

18:2.... 138

19:1-3. 99

23:1-6. 56

23:4.... 49

25:7-12......................................... 208

25:8.... 5

25:14.. 202

26:4,5. 244

27:1-14........................................... 95

27:1.... 260

27:14.. 50

30:4,5. 73

32:3-5. 175

32:5.... 200

32:8,9. 5

34:1.... 71

34:8.... 156

34:22.. 73

36:7.... 142

37:8.... 188

37:23,24......................................... 53

37:30,31....................................... 303

40:1-3. 55

40:4.... 139

42:1,2. 98

42:11.. 156

44:21.. 201

46:1,2. 71

50:15.. 49

50:21.. 34

50:23.. 165

51:1-4. 297

51:5.... 123

51:6.... 175

51:10.. 208

51:17.. 210

55:22.. 49

62:7-9. 285

62:8.... 142

62:11.. 57

63:1-3. 98

81:10-16....................................... 176

84:2 98

84:12 151

86:5 170

86:11 6

86:12,13 165

86:15 64

91:14,15 212

96:1-10 296

101:7 274

103:1-22 76

103:1-5 298

103:12 170

104:33 165

107:2 315

107:15 71

118:6 225

118:8 20

119:1 14

119:9 3

119:11 3

119:15 303

119:18 7

119:63 276

119:71 67

119:97-99 302

119:105 3

119:130 178

125:1 152

127:1 293

130:3,4 41

139:1-4 201

139:1,2 177

139:23,24 177, 235

145:8,9 64

145:18,19 212

146:3-5 286

Proverbs

1:7 273

1:32 273

1:33 258

2:1-6 304

3:5,6 18

3:25,26 243

3:27 220

4:14,15 249

4:23 185

5:21 202

6:17 307

6:29 307

8:36 14, 307

9:7-9 276

10:8 304

10:12.. 223, 276

11:13.. 244

11:14.. 256

12:15.. 20, 256

13:10.. 274, 307

13:18.. 256

13:20.. 272, 273, 275

15:1.... 231

15:22.. 20, 256

15:32.. 257

16:5,6. 307

16:5.... 307

16:7.... 226

17:3.... 164

17:14.. 280

17:17.. 169, 277

18:19.. 280

18:24.. 169

19:5.... 307

19:11.. 277

20:6.... 277

20:9.... 123, 206

20:19.. 274

21:2.... 178

21:29.. 173

22:3.... 240

22:24,25....................................... 274

24:21,22....................................... 275

25:19.. 273

27:6.... 169, 280

27:9.... 169

27:10.. 169, 271

27:17.. 169, 271

27:19.. 272

28:7.... 275

28:13.. 53, 200

28:26.. 108

29:1.... 241

29:23.. 210

29:25.. 186

30:5.... 74, 257

Ecclesiastes

1:2...... 58

2:22,23........................................... 58

4:8-12. 169

4:9-12. 24

7:20.... 171

7:29.... 124

12:13.. 241

Isaiah

1:18 46

5:20 228

6:5 184

6:8 114

8:20 4

12:2 186

14:12-15 78

19:22 12

26:3,4 74

28:16 267

29:13 255

30:21 134

40:28 34

40:29 57

41:10 51

41:13 258

43:1,2 187

43:25 41

44:22 46

46:9,10 59

50:4 318

51:12 258

53:3 235

53:5,6 42

54:4 243

54:14 258

55:6 22

57:15 211

64:6 171, 251

66:1,2 305

Jeremiah

1:6-8 318

2:13 102

2:19 104

3:22 110

4:22 102

9:23,24 109

10:23 18

13:23 16, 207

14:20 201

16:17 202

17:5-8 20, 286

17:9 26, 173

23:23,24 202

29:11-13 213

31:3 39

31:19 203

32:39 14

33:3 212

Lamentations

3:21-23......................................... 260

3:40,41......................................... 180

Ezekiel

11:19,20....................................... 208

33:11.. 138

36:26,27....................................... 285

36:31.. 203

Daniel

4:34,35........................................... 60

9:9,10. 203

10:8-12......................................... 203

Hosea

3:5...... 241

Joel

2:25.... 93

Amos

3:3...... 294

Micah

6:8...... 211

7:7...... 267

7:18,19........................................... 42

Haggai

1:7...... 180

Zechariah

3:1-10. 79

Malachi

3:6...... 99

7:7...... 267

Matthew

1:21.... 208

3:15.... 45

4:24.... 79

5:9...... 220

5:23-26......................................... 220

5:38,39 190

5:43-45 191

6:9-13 299

6:14,15 227

6:33 15

6:34 49

7:1-5 228

7:3-5 174

7:7-11 212

7:12 221

7:21-23 166

8:29 79

9:4 185

9:28,29 153

9:29 132

10:19 319

10:29,30 60

11:28-30 23, 75

12:24-30 79

12:28,29 81

12:34-36 184

13:28 131

14:25-31 161

16:23 78

16:24 228

17:10 162

17:20 162

18:1-3 313

18:15-17 231

18:21-35 229

19:3-9 119

19:4,5 10, 124

19:12 119

19:26 134

20:25-28 282

21:22 213

22:37-39 181

23:8-12 283

26:28 43

26:41 51

27:46 85

28:18-20 114

Mark

1:14,15 144

4:40 260

5:19 316

7:21-23 61, 250

8:34-38 322

8:36 148

9:23 132, 154

9:24 38, 162

9:38 79

10:45.. 312

11:24.. 300

Luke

4:18.... 132

4:41.... 79

5:5...... 133

6:17,18........................................... 79

6:27,28......................................... 232

6:37.... 232

6:46-49......................................... 307

13:5.... 144

13:25,26......................................... 22

13:34.. 232

15:2.... 47

15:11-24....................................... 222

15:25-32....................................... 224

16:26.. 22

17:5,6. 38

18:2.... 192

19:8.... 223

19:10.. 47, 312

23:33,34......................................... 43

John

1:12.... 44, 143

1:18.... 36

1:29.... 88, 219

3:3...... 313

3:5-7... 209

3:16,17........................................... 40

3:16.... 99, 105

3:18-21......................................... 146

3:36.... 142

5:24.... 83

5:44.... 146

6:37.... 44

6:38.... 312

6:44.... 147

6:70.... 78

7:16,17......................................... 146

7:17.... 38

8:10,11......................................... 293

8:12.... 113

8:24.... 138

8:31.... 149, 182

8:32.... 4

8:34.... 22

8:36.... 22

8:42-45........................................... 61

8:44.... 78

9:40,41........................................... 27

10:10 91

12:31-33 81

12:31 78

13:1-17 278

13:17 308

14:1 161

14:6 139

14:8,9 36

14:27 158, 187

15:5 19

15:7 214

15:9-11 308

15:13-15 287

15:13 211

15:17 246

15:20 235

16:1-3 35

16:11 78

16:24 213

19:30 218

Acts

1:8 88

1:16 63

2:21 143

2:22-24 63

3:13-15 63

3:19 145

3:26 64, 129

7:60 232

9:26,27 224

10:10-15 251

13:38,39 88, 170

15:36-41 281

16:22-25 72

16:31 139

17:11 21

17:30 145

19:13 79

19:15 79

19:18,19 223

19:18 205

20:21 145

Romans

1:18 99

1:19,20 100

1:21-23 102

1:24,25 12, 104

1:24 99, 105

1:25 103, 147

1:26,27 12, 104, 105, 126

1:26.... 99

1:28-32................................. 104, 107

1:28-31........................................... 12

1:28.... 99

1:32.... 12

2:1...... 230

2:14,15......................................... 101

3:19,20........................................... 88

3:21-5:21........................................ 12

3:21ff. 45

3:22b,23....................................... 107

3:23.... 12, 124

3:24-26........................................... 44

3:24,25......................................... 105

3:25.... 45, 85, 140

4:2-8... 45

4:5...... 235

4:6-8... 84

4:8...... 85

4:15.... 88

4:18-21......................................... 150

5:1...... 152

5:3,4... 66

5:6...... 16, 87

5:8...... 40, 105

5:10.... 47

5:19.... 45

5:20.... 88

6:1-8:39.......................................... 12

6:1-4... 85

6:8-11. 86

6:11.... 86, 93

6:12-14........................................... 86

6:12,13........................................... 86

7:4...... 88

7:5...... 88

7:8...... 88

7:9...... 88

7:11.... 88

7:12.... 87

7:14b.. 23

7:15.... 18

7:19.... 17

8:1...... 84, 87, 170, 235

8:2...... 23, 91

8:3...... 87

8:7,8... 62, 207

8:10.... 92

8:15.... 243

8:22.... 58

8:28.... 68

8:29.... 312

8:31-39........................................... 87

8:31.... 226

8:32 132

8:33,34 53, 171

8:35-37 74

8:37-39 259

8:38,39 65

9:5 36

9:33 152

10:4 89

10:9,10 152

10:13,14 141

10:13 111

10:17 39, 141, 166

12:3 325

12:9 233

12:16 278

12:17-21 191

12:18 221

13:8 182

13:10 183

13:14 51

14:4 174, 230

14:10-13 230

15:1-6 284

15:7 278

15:13 57, 75

I Corinthians

1:20,21 35

2:14 148

3:18-20 109

3:18,19 305

6:9-11 12

6:12-20 249

6:12 252, 253

7:7-9 119

7:26 120

8:2 110

9:19-22 285

10:12 325

10:13 52

10:23 253

11:3 103

11:31 180

12:13-21 326

13:4-7 183

13:7 246, 286

15:10 327

15:22 91

15:33 273

15:56 88

15:57 95

II Corinthians

1:3,4... 66

3:5...... 23

3:18.... 130

4:3-6... 148

4:4...... 130

4:17.... 68

5:14,15................................... 86, 152

5:17.... 93

5:18.... 316

5:21.... 85, 130

6:14-18......................................... 245

7:1...... 241

7:2...... 246

10:3-5. 82

11:3.... 77

12:7-10........................................... 23

12:9.... 243

13:5.... 180

Galatians

2:11-16......................................... 281

2:16.... 88, 89

2:20.... 87, 140

3:10-13........................................... 90

3:11.... 88

3:13.... 45

3:21.... 301

3:24.... 88

4:4,5... 88

5:1...... 253

5:6...... 153

5:13.... 254

5:16.... 209

5:17.... 17

5:22,23..................................... 73, 92

6:1...... 233

6:2...... 278

6:3,4... 181

6:7,8... 176

6:9...... 94, 157

6:14-16......................................... 314

Ephesians

1:6...... 220

1:7...... 85

1:11,12........................................... 60

2:1-3... 62

2:4,5... 40

2:8,9... 149

2:10 322

2:14-18 252

3:12 139

3:19 300

4:13 135

4:15 18, 235, 267

4:26 188, 189

4:29 278

4:30-5:2 189

5:1,2 320

5:3,4 184

5:3-5 249

5:11 250

5:18-20 165

5:20 72

5:31-32 119

5:31 125

6:10-18 240

6:12 77

6:16 154

6:17 85

6:18,19 299

Philippians

1:6 90

1:27 50

2:4-11 194

2:4 279

2:8 45, 210

2:14 70

3:8,9 88

3:12-14 167, 172

4:6,7 50, 159

4:8 185

4:11-13 70

Colossians

1:9-12 323

2:6-8 149

2:8 245

2:10 90

2:13-15 82

2:20-23 254

2:23 255

3:5-8 177

3:12,13 190

3:14,15 320

4:5,6 316

4:10 281

I Thessalonians

3:12,13......................................... 294

5:11.... 25

5:18.... 72

II Thessalonians

1:3...... 294

2:8-10. 103

2:13,14......................................... 141

3:3...... 210

I Timothy

1:8-10. 127

1:8...... 87

1:15.... 48

2:8...... 296

3:6...... 78

4:7,8... 324

4:16.... 312

6:12.... 83, 133

6:17.... 143

II Timothy

1:7...... 226, 244, 262

1:12.... 159

2:15.... 303

2:22.... 26, 250

2:24-26......................................... 132

3:13.... 103

3:16,17............................................. 4

4:2...... 316

Titus

2:11-14......................................... 129

3:3-7... 207

Hebrews

1:1-3... 36

2:14,15........................................... 92

2:14.... 81

3:12.... 147

3:13.... 27

4:12.... 179

4:13.... 178

4:15,16........................................... 52

4:16.... 300

8:12.... 43

8:16.... 301

9:7...... 301

9:25.... 301

10:19-23 301

10:35,36 150

10:36 214

11:1 133

11:6 138

11:7 241

11:8 151

11:17-19 164

11:23-27 261

11:24-26 157

11:32-34 155

12:11 68

13:5,6 227

13:5 85, 195

13:8 13, 99

James

1:2-4 67

1:5 179, 235

1:13-15 15

1:16-18 314

1:19,20 234

1:19 279

2:19 79

2:26 153

3:2 172

3:13-18 224

4:4 287

4:6,7 306

4:6 174

4:10 211

4:12 231

5:16 205, 247

5:19,20 317

I Peter

1:7 164

1:22,23 247

2:2,3 295

2:17 194

2:22 235

2:23 235

2:24 87

3:8-16 234

3:8,9 191

3:15 319

3:18 45

5:5-7 211

5:7 159, 309

5:8 78, 80

II Peter

1:19-21......................................... 101

2:4...... 78, 80

2:19.... 23

3:18.... 295

I John

1:3,4... 45

1:7...... 48, 84, 85, 218

1:8-2:2 172

1:8...... 28

1:9...... 54, 92, 199, 201

2:1...... 92

2:15-17......................................... 288

3:2...... 90, 131

3:5...... 129

3:8...... 78, 81, 132

3:12.... 78

3:16.... 65

4:1...... 21

4:7...... 279

4:8...... 99

4:9,10. 40

4:11,12......................................... 321

4:16.... 11, 65, 199

4:19.... 66

4:20,21......................................... 182

5:1...... 314

5:2,3... 182

5:4...... 155

5:9-12. 140

5:14,15................................. 179, 301

II John

5,6...... 321

Jude

6......... 78

14-16.. 70

Revelation

1:3...... 302

1:5...... 220

3:17.... 28

3:20.... 41, 143

12:9.... 78, 110

12:10.. 78

12:11.. 83

16:14.. 79

20:1-3. 81

20:7-10........................................... 80

20:10 81, 104

22:17 111

GENERAL INDEX