A Few Things I Need To Ask Pope Francis When He Calls

Everyone knows by now that Pope Francis likes to call up unsuspecting people on the phone and make their day. This warm and personal pastoral technique also seems to have made quite the day for a number of liberal Catholic commentators and secular media pundits. When he gets around to calling me, I have a list of questions for the Holy Father:

Does the Vatican really have a phone book of all Catholics? Did you get it from that IRS lady who works for Obama?

Do you totally love it when liberal Catholics use you as a tool to cause more division in the Church by pretending that you are an enemy of orthodox, practicing Catholics? Hmm, not really? You think it’s a self-serving and childish perversion of what you are actually preaching?

Can I put that on my Facebook page?

Since you apparently won’t be using the papal apartments, are they for rent? How much? Washer/dryer?

Is it true some of the cardinals were using performance enhancing drugs during the conclave?

Have you ever been tempted to just run across St. Peter’s Square with a phone to your ear shouting “Oh no! Oh no!” – just as a joke?
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I’m waiting for the call, your Holiness.

Oh yeah – and if you call and one of the kids answers, just tell them to come and get me. I’m probably in the bathroom mowing the lawn
trying to swallow a peanut butter sandwich too fast
reading Evangelii Gaudium.

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